Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
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Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

Hi there

I am new to this site and was unsure whether this questions belongs in the loss/grief section or the family section so please forgive me if I got it wrong!

My fiance suddenly passed away 10 weeks ago at age 38 and I am now living in Canada on my own while all of my family is back in Australia. My fiance's parents live 3 hours away and I admit have been very lovely, trying to support me and help me out etc. But unfortunately, they are very different people to me and it is causing me trouble. I am a lone wolf so to speak. I dont feel comfortable with people in my house, I dont feel comfortable in social situations and I HATE talking on the phone. I have communicated this is several different ways to my in laws, but they dont seem to get the hint.

They call me at least twice a week, TELL me they are coming for the weekend (not ask... tell) and I just generally feel smothered. I have been trying my hardest to be accommodating as they too have lost someone, but I feel like I am the one doing all the compromising when all I really want to do is tell everyone to leave me alone for a few months so I can get my head around the loss of the love of my life. I believe the in laws think I NEED them to be with me and I dont want to be alone. But I have told them I like being alone.

I actually had to recently put my foot down about Christmas because they were trying to plan my Christmas and drag me around to social gatherings for 4 days. When I said I wasnt coming, they decided they were all going to come to my house for Christmas. In the end I had to make up a story that I had a friend staying the week just so I could have the week to myself to deal with Christmas how I feel I need to.

I just feel lke I am at the end of my rope. I have been pushed into this situation I dont want to be in, on top of dealing with the grief and terror of losing my partner and being so far from home.

Another complication is that my fiance did not get around to making a will and his life insurance went automatically to his parents. So I feel like I have to be super nice and put myself in uncomfortable situations just so I dont make them angry and have them take all my money off me as I will be left homeless and with absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have any advice on the most respectful way to approach this so I can maintain a relationship with the in laws but also start listening to my own needs?

Thanks in advance.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 10:24 AM
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Re: Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

Please allow me to begin with sharing how sorry I am for your loss and the pain of losing a life you didn't get to fully share...

I understand your feelings, I am a lone-wolf griever myself... it's not often understood how the solace alone is necessary to sort out when direction of too many minds doesn't allow the necessary focus to address the loss for moving on.

I would seek out a counselor for communication tools to share with how you need to engage your overly-caring and under-listening in-laws. This is helpful in several ways... one is you will get some input from a professional communicator on how to interact with those too pushy and two, you can share with them that you have professional assistance in counseling and this path is the best for you without being overwhelmed by family.

As for your finances, would your in-laws openly agree that your betrothed's life insurance should come to you?

I would hope your in-laws would not place the almighty dollar ahead of their son's promise to you... that would make the Loon a loony, but I've seen money change the nicest folk and hope your challenges are not here.

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 12-23-2016 at 10:30 AM. Reason: Mindful grammer...
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 10:30 AM
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Re: Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

I'm sorry for your loss.

Life insurance goes to the person named in the policy, not based on his will. At least that is true in the USA. If you were together more than a certain amount of time, you may be able to claim you were married under common law, and thus legally his wife. Idk if this will help with the life insurance though.

It sounds like his parents are coping with their loss by taking care of you. So while it feels smothering, at least it is being done with loving intentions.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaz View Post
Hi there

I am new to this site and was unsure whether this questions belongs in the loss/grief section or the family section so please forgive me if I got it wrong!

My fiance suddenly passed away 10 weeks ago at age 38 and I am now living in Canada on my own while all of my family is back in Australia. My fiance's parents live 3 hours away and I admit have been very lovely, trying to support me and help me out etc. But unfortunately, they are very different people to me and it is causing me trouble. I am a lone wolf so to speak. I dont feel comfortable with people in my house, I dont feel comfortable in social situations and I HATE talking on the phone. I have communicated this is several different ways to my in laws, but they dont seem to get the hint.

They call me at least twice a week, TELL me they are coming for the weekend (not ask... tell) and I just generally feel smothered. I have been trying my hardest to be accommodating as they too have lost someone, but I feel like I am the one doing all the compromising when all I really want to do is tell everyone to leave me alone for a few months so I can get my head around the loss of the love of my life. I believe the in laws think I NEED them to be with me and I dont want to be alone. But I have told them I like being alone.

I actually had to recently put my foot down about Christmas because they were trying to plan my Christmas and drag me around to social gatherings for 4 days. When I said I wasnt coming, they decided they were all going to come to my house for Christmas. In the end I had to make up a story that I had a friend staying the week just so I could have the week to myself to deal with Christmas how I feel I need to.

I just feel lke I am at the end of my rope. I have been pushed into this situation I dont want to be in, on top of dealing with the grief and terror of losing my partner and being so far from home.

Another complication is that my fiance did not get around to making a will and his life insurance went automatically to his parents. So I feel like I have to be super nice and put myself in uncomfortable situations just so I dont make them angry and have them take all my money off me as I will be left homeless and with absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have any advice on the most respectful way to approach this so I can maintain a relationship with the in laws but also start listening to my own needs?

Thanks in advance.
They just lost their son.

Maybe they feel the need to be around you.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
I'm sorry for your loss.

Life insurance goes to the person named in the policy, not based on his will. At least that is true in the USA. If you were together more than a certain amount of time, you may be able to claim you were married under common law, and thus legally his wife. Idk if this will help with the life insurance though.

It sounds like his parents are coping with their loss by taking care of you. So while it feels smothering, at least it is being done with loving intentions.
He probably had his parents as the beneficiaries on his life insurance.

Another scenario could be that he had his estate as the beneficiary of his life insurance. In that case, he could have used the will to say who got the insurance funds. Or, if he did not have a will, it would pass to is heirs... in this case apparently his parents.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:39 AM
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Re: Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

Shaz,

There is a big difference between wanting to be made 'whole' for the sacrifices you have made, vs wanting the full payout.

In order to comment more, we would need to know:
- how long you two had been together
- how long engaged
- how soon you were to marry
- if you plan to return to Australia
- how long it will take you to get back to where you were - work wise - in Australia

And lastly - compared to your income when you left Australia, how many years of income does the insurance policy provide?




Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaz View Post
Hi there

I am new to this site and was unsure whether this questions belongs in the loss/grief section or the family section so please forgive me if I got it wrong!

My fiance suddenly passed away 10 weeks ago at age 38 and I am now living in Canada on my own while all of my family is back in Australia. My fiance's parents live 3 hours away and I admit have been very lovely, trying to support me and help me out etc. But unfortunately, they are very different people to me and it is causing me trouble. I am a lone wolf so to speak. I dont feel comfortable with people in my house, I dont feel comfortable in social situations and I HATE talking on the phone. I have communicated this is several different ways to my in laws, but they dont seem to get the hint.

They call me at least twice a week, TELL me they are coming for the weekend (not ask... tell) and I just generally feel smothered. I have been trying my hardest to be accommodating as they too have lost someone, but I feel like I am the one doing all the compromising when all I really want to do is tell everyone to leave me alone for a few months so I can get my head around the loss of the love of my life. I believe the in laws think I NEED them to be with me and I dont want to be alone. But I have told them I like being alone.

I actually had to recently put my foot down about Christmas because they were trying to plan my Christmas and drag me around to social gatherings for 4 days. When I said I wasnt coming, they decided they were all going to come to my house for Christmas. In the end I had to make up a story that I had a friend staying the week just so I could have the week to myself to deal with Christmas how I feel I need to.

I just feel lke I am at the end of my rope. I have been pushed into this situation I dont want to be in, on top of dealing with the grief and terror of losing my partner and being so far from home.

Another complication is that my fiance did not get around to making a will and his life insurance went automatically to his parents. So I feel like I have to be super nice and put myself in uncomfortable situations just so I dont make them angry and have them take all my money off me as I will be left homeless and with absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have any advice on the most respectful way to approach this so I can maintain a relationship with the in laws but also start listening to my own needs?

Thanks in advance.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 12:13 PM
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Re: Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

Everyone grieves in different ways. It sounds like they need YOU. Do you think maybe you could give yourself a timeline in which you allow this intrusive behaviour? I think they'll eventually move on and won't be invading your space as much, but right now they are clearly not capable of it.
I just want to say there is nothing wrong with the way YOU want to grieve (solo and more or less away from them) nor is there anything wrong with how THEY grieve.

Their son CHOSE you. You are an extension of him. They probably feeling insanely attached to you because of it. Try to enjoy and respect the love their giving, even though it is making you feel suffocated. It will phase out.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

Your fiancee didn't do you any favors by not protecting you with a will or making you beneficiary of his life insurance, especially given that you depend on him financially.

As far as you seeing any of that money, don't bank on it.

Families are torn apart over money, especially when it comes to wills, this happens all the time and you aren't even family.

Unless they've got more money than they know what to do with, don't expect to see a dime.

One question that comes to mind, is why are you unable to be self supporting?

What if you never met him, how would you have managed on your own?

Sorry for your loss.

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: Fiance passed away and now I have in laws issues!

I know when I lost my father earlier this year, that being the oldest son the expectation was there that I would carry the family through this period of loss. Being the solitary griever I had become (or maybe always was), I placed everybody else first for the next three months as we put things together for the transitions that needed to happen. We are a very close family and I was close to my father not just in heart, but literally 5 minutes away from he and my mother... I was the last to see him in the hospital that night and the first there 10 minutes after his passing very early the next morning.

I needed time to mourn that never came, that period of solitary reflection that I had to deny myself to keep things right for others.

We need time to grieve on our own terms without taking away the heavy weights that will in time transform as balance for the two wonderful stockpiles of compassion and wisdom. Perhaps it is looked on as a weakness, selfish of character or as a failure of practice. But from my point of view, it is a necessary part of a very human existence, an experience that opens an understanding of compassion, mature growth, and enhances depth and humility.

It is easy to feel pushed if one doesn't understand the needs of others... my family needed me to be strong for them at an expense they couldn't understand at the time.My sister told me during the estate sale that I "needed to let go" like she and my brother did. What she didn't understand was I gave them room to release their sadness while carrying the weight for them and my mother... I finally got mine a couple months later at his gravesite, by myself, on my own terms.

Whatever conflict we feel, loss of someone we love deeply is a personal experience we don't always care to share the same way. I agree with Gus they may need you, or it may be the case they presume you need them as we often give the compassion we want, at times in error with misunderstanding or assumption, a landscape that is so varied that it can only be uniquely discovered through our most intimate experience.

May you find the peace and understanding you need for calm in this time of facing humanity in it's fullest...
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