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Old 12-09-2011, 12:12 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, effect on parenting

I know my experiences are so much different than Cherry's daughter and RandomDude's ex-gf's, however I have seen "the system" fail as well.

In my case, I remained in my abusive father's house until I was 14, at which point he kicked me out and I lived here and there, putting myself through highschool, until I was 16 and forced to move into a group home. Most of the girls in the group home were wards of the state whose case managers were in charge of making their legal decisions. My father, my rapist, was actually my legal guardian until my 18th birthday. Meaning he was the one who made all sorts of legal decisions which negatively effected my schooling.

For that same token, I lived with a girl at the group home whose parents were wonderful and never laid a hand on her, loved and supported her. She became a ward of the state because a fellow student at her school told a lie to their school counselor and the investigator who looked into the complaint was alittle over-zealous.

Tell me how it is that a rapist can remain the legal guardian of a his victim -BUT- a good, decent father would loose custody of his daughter over a lie that some drama queen teenage girl decided would be fun to make up?
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:50 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, effect on parenting

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Originally Posted by UnwantedWife View Post
I know my experiences are so much different than Cherry's daughter and RandomDude's ex-gf's, however I have seen "the system" fail as well.

In my case, I remained in my abusive father's house until I was 14, at which point he kicked me out and I lived here and there, putting myself through highschool, until I was 16 and forced to move into a group home. Most of the girls in the group home were wards of the state whose case managers were in charge of making their legal decisions. My father, my rapist, was actually my legal guardian until my 18th birthday. Meaning he was the one who made all sorts of legal decisions which negatively effected my schooling.

For that same token, I lived with a girl at the group home whose parents were wonderful and never laid a hand on her, loved and supported her. She became a ward of the state because a fellow student at her school told a lie to their school counselor and the investigator who looked into the complaint was alittle over-zealous.

Tell me how it is that a rapist can remain the legal guardian of a his victim -BUT- a good, decent father would loose custody of his daughter over a lie that some drama queen teenage girl decided would be fun to make up?
Wow - I got chills when I read this How is your relationship with your father now? I know it's a weird question, but I have a cousin who endured abuse from her real dad that way and she's rightfully still very angry with him over 30 years later. I know you can never recover from that, but she's also never gotten help emotionally and I from what I can tell she's self destructing over it, i.e. alcoholism, over a box of wine a day and xanax.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:49 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, effect on parenting

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Wow - I got chills when I read this How is your relationship with your father now? I know it's a weird question, but I have a cousin who endured abuse from her real dad that way and she's rightfully still very angry with him over 30 years later. I know you can never recover from that, but she's also never gotten help emotionally and I from what I can tell she's self destructing over it, i.e. alcoholism, over a box of wine a day and xanax.
The last day my father spoke to me was a month before I moved into the group home. He gave me the option of either moving back in with him, dropping out of school, giving him my paycheck until he could find me a "nice guy to marry" OR moving into the group home and therefore disowning him as my father. I choose the group home because I wanted to finish school. Funny but sad in a way because he actually was the one who drove me to the group home but never said a word to me the whole way there.
I spent a good 8-9 months reaching out to him via phone calls and letters two-three times a week. The group home actually had an excellent therapist on staff who did family therapy sessions and I thought she could help us but my father refused to admit that he had ever done anything wrong. In his eyes, I disrespected him and should never be forgiven. After about a year, I finally came to terms with the fact that we would never talk again. And through my therapy, I was able to forgive him. Now days I actually feel sorry for him. See, he was also the victim of childhood abuse but he never got over it and thats why he was the way he was to me. I was blessed to have people who helped me find my way so that my son can have an emotionally stable mother.
I am now 23 and the only contact either of us has tried to make in the last seven years was when I was pregnant with my son. I sent him a card with an ultrasound photo informing him that I was happy, healthy, and very fulfilled by my new budding family. I did give him my contact information if he ever felt like asking questions about his grandchildren, however I could obviously never trust him alone with them. Mute point though since he never bothered to contact me and that was three years ago. His loss because his grandson is an amazing child (and there is a grand-daughter on the way).
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Old 12-09-2011, 02:09 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, effect on parenting

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After about a year, I finally came to terms with the fact that we would never talk again. And through my therapy, I was able to forgive him. Now days I actually feel sorry for him. See, he was also the victim of childhood abuse but he never got over it and thats why he was the way he was to me. I was blessed to have people who helped me find my way so that my son can have an emotionally stable mother.
I am now 23 and the only contact either of us has tried to make in the last seven years was when I was pregnant with my son. I sent him a card with an ultrasound photo informing him that I was happy, healthy, and very fulfilled by my new budding family. I did give him my contact information if he ever felt like asking questions about his grandchildren, however I could obviously never trust him alone with them. Mute point though since he never bothered to contact me and that was three years ago. His loss because his grandson is an amazing child (and there is a grand-daughter on the way).
That's just it about forgiveness. You did it so that you can move forward in your life. That is so great for you and your children! It's destructive to live in the past when nothing can be done to change it. And it is your fathers loss now. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Old 12-09-2011, 04:52 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, effect on parenting

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Tell me how it is that a rapist can remain the legal guardian of a his victim -BUT- a good, decent father would loose custody of his daughter over a lie that some drama queen teenage girl decided would be fun to make up?
That's just how it is.

As for forgiveness, it does bring peace. But personally I only found it possible when the other party is remorseful or suffering or no longer exists. As for your father's childhood abuse, I don't see it as an excuse for his behaviour, I see it as weak and pathetic... no offense.

You are very strong to have been able to overcome all this.
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