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This whole thing seems wack to me. Basically what I'm getting is that a 13 yr.old, now 14 gets to decide everything. Go to school, don't go to school, clean or not to clean, take her meds or don't take her meds, to keep a baby (that she has no way of supporting) or abort or give up for adoption....To me this is wrong! She gets to decide and I have to just go along for the ride and in some cases feeling force to do things I don't want to do.... To be honest, I didn't want this baby. I wanted her to give it to a family that both wanted and could give her the best things in life. I can't do that finacially as I work and survive paycheck to paycheck. My daughter well, is out of the question because she's too young to get a job. Being that SHE chose to keep the baby, I'm now forced to take up the finacial, and medical responsibilities....Don't think for a minute that I don't love this baby, I do and that's why I want her to have a good life. I want the baby to get the best things in life, something I can't really provide. To my daughters credit, when she found out she was prego, she started babysiting. She bought a car seat, stroller, clothes and diapers to get herself started. I was very impressed that she stepped up to the plate BUT now the rest is up to me. The state looks at my daughter as the gardian (SP) of the baby, but wants MY paycheck stubs as the deciding factor if she gets help with the baby or not. Whatever they decide, I have to pick up the remains of what isn't covered. An example: My daughter was quick to make sure her dad paid for her cell phone bill, but got mad at me for buying Christmas decorations instead of diapers for the baby. I told her that once I found out that she had spent money on a phone instead of the baby's birth certificate, I chose to spend MY money the way I wanted to. I told her that as long as I see effort on her side to do her best, I don't mind HELPING but refused to do it all. Same thing goes for taking care of the baby. I watch her when I want to and on my terms. My daughter has her the majority of the time. I will watch her for a couple of hours at a time so my daughter has time to catch up on sleep, clean up a bit (her mess), make herself something to eat, and times for her to just get out and get a breather with friends. My problem is that being that she's the babys mom, she wants to take the baby into environments the I don't think are wise or safe. SS says she can and that I have no control. Yet another thing my child decides... If this is the case, what does she need me for? Oh yeah, I forgot, to support a baby that isn't mine. ((SIGN))
Some children can not be controlled when there are two working adults or a single parent that's raising children on her own. I'm pretty sure my oldest could of gone down this path if I didn't remarry or if I stayed with my first husband. Both my hubby and I are very strict and have the ability to watch them 24/7. Her classmate was pg at 13, my daughter thought that was the neatest thing. Luckily she changed her views. She's 17 and now planning to join the National Guard in a in a couple months.
Love her, and help the baby best you can. Make sure the boy's parents help too. They are half responsible or at least they should be. Raise this baby in a loving environment. If you don't think you or your daughter are ready or capable financially, put the baby up for adoption. Good luck! Posted via Mobile Device
Children are products of their environment and the "family system".
This is a bullsh!t indictment of Waiting4MrRight.
Yes, the environment plays a big part in a child's development but there is a big part that is just how they are. I have 3 children - all grew up in the same household, stable, 2 parents, not perfect but doing what we can. 2 kids are very well adjusted and 1 is having issues. All three are very different people with very different personalities, talents, etc.
This comment seems to suggest that if all children were raised in a 'perfect' environment, they would all turn out the same. Really? W4MrR seems to be doing all that she can for this kid. And wereas she may not be doing everything perfectly, to comment like this, as if to chuck it back in her face, seems unhelpful if not downright mean.
Wow. I'm so sorry. Honestly, fixing this situation will be extremely stressful for everyone. Is it possible for you to send her away to boot camp or something of the sort while you care for the baby? I was a teen mother. I spent the first two days that I was aware of my pregnancy on a " poor me" kick, but then something clicked and I knew life was no longer about me. I wish I knew what did it so I could share, but I'm just not sure.
If you can't send your daughter away, lay down the hammer. She is still your child and you still have a say. If she wants the aunt to take her baby (and you're 100% sure you have no say) then the aunt would have to come to your house to take the baby. Stop letting your daughter go anywhere but school and counseling. She can have friends over when she has exhibited good behavior, but she can't visit them outside the house until she's shown consistancy in her good behavior. Things will continue to be hard for quite some time. She'll run away (make sure to report) and act a fool. By all means get her back in the house, but make sure you're not protecting her from natural consequences. if she ends up in jail let her sit. If she blames you, let her know you're there to love her NOT to protect her from the consequences of her actions. If the cops catch her out and bring her home instead of school, take her back to school! AND for the gas it took you to drive her there, let her know you'll be selling one of her items to recoup your cash.
I understand you have an obligation towards the baby. I would continue to buy whatever that child needs, but the bare minimum for your daughter. She's been in control for so long that it's going to take quite some time for her to understand you're in charge again. Her clothes will now be furnished by goodwill, and only when necessary. Makeup and jewelry are not necessary. NO frills until she gets her life together. This girl does not respect what she's been given.
I don't recall reading if she's in counseling, but she needs it. She had a baby with a man who molested her. He took complete advantage of her naivety and made her life 10x more difficult in the process. It seems like your daughter acted out before this and I wouldn't be surprised if you found other instances of her being molested. My rough childhood had a lot to do with being molested. It doesn't surprise me that she won't acknowledge her child's father for who he is, either. I didn't realize that what happened to me was wrong until I was 18, over 11 years from the last incident.
I don't envy what you've gone through and I certainly don't envy what you're going to go through. This power struggle will be monumental and challenge you more than anything in your life. Make sure you have a support system and a place to cry, because you will need it. Expect it to be he'll and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. Posted via Mobile Device
I think you need to start spending a bit of time every day doing something good for yourself. It sounds like your daughter, who is perfectly capable of complex thought and action, is capable of fixing a meal or two for herself and her baby while you're having a bit of 'me' time. I mean, you weren't babysitting her while she got pregnant. I am all for being there for her, but you need to get out and have something to call your own out of this life. It does sound like she has some mental issues going on, but it also sounds like she's resourceful and capable, and when she is thoroughly backed into a corner, she will do what it takes to get out. But as long as she can back you into a corner by proxy, she doesn't have to keep track of where she is. Go out. Get a healthy relationship with someone. Start with yourself, and move on from there. You can't make up for what her dad doesn't do. Don't try.
UPDATE:Things are continuing to get worse BUT maybe this isn't a bad thing.... I talked to the school and they want her to get a psy. eval. I told them how she is just freaking out, being verbally aggressive with me and just bouncing off of one subjuct to another.
She's freaking out about school because she wants to graduate early. She also wants to get her drivers license, get a job, a car and to live out on her own. She wanted me to take her to the court house, so she could get info. on how to become imansipated (SP??), though SS said this is not an option for her at this presant time....She then gets angry at me and says that I don't want her to succeed. I told her no, that I just wanted her to slow down! How can she possible do all these things and yet freaks out over her three wk old baby crying and tells her to shut up? I told her that she can still do all these things BUT she needs to take it one step at a time...
As for the eval, we've been there and done that. As for the counceling, we've been there and done that too. Parenting classes? Oh yeah been there too. As for books, I've read The 5 love languages for Teenagers, Love and Logic, and Parenting Teens.... Don't want to cry "uncle " but I'm just about there.
This has gotten down right embarressing, the way she acts and treats me. My house is a war zone. I'll put it this way. We've live at my current residence for about four years and people still think we either had just moved in or in the process of moving out the way my house looks. I just now started to unpack and rehang my candles on the wall. I even have gotten real ordinaments for the tree, instead of just the lights that already came with it. My daughter was so violent that I had to take them down....Now I threaten her with the police taking the baby if ONE thing should get broke by her. So far, she hasn't become violent...Right about now I really hate my life and I swear I'll NEVER have another kid! I don't know whatever I did to make her hate me so, but I won't go through this on my own again. I've learned my lesson REAL GOOD!...My friend asked me last night how things were going with her, and I lied and said, "no so bad".. What a joke! ((SIGN))
I wonder how many people reading this who don't have kids, are thinking twice about it now...Or maybe they are thinking it could never be them. I was one of the nieve. I thought as long as you did your best and you really loved and cared for your babies, that they would feel that. My child does not. My best was not good enough! Not looking for pity, just stating the facts. I know I made my bed ect,ect......
You have the internet... use it. Search the laws in your state... what the rights and responsibilities of grandparents with teen moms in the picture.
While you are correct on the part about it's her baby and she can do whatever she wants with the baby, I think the part about school and anything else relating to your d isn't correct. Even if someone at SS told you that. The problem is, even at SS... they are often pretty much "clerks" who are ignorant of the laws.
DOCUMENT....keep a journal of every fight you have with her. Write down every time she goes out somewhere risky with the baby. Write down every time she skips school. I also think that if she goes to jail, you could get "dibs" on the baby....research it.
I think... that your only responsibility is to get formula (and some sort of diapers, altho that shouldn't be your problem... she should be able to keep trying for AFDC, so they can go after the dad later).
I THINK that they won't allow you to try for GED til you are 16. And d can google emancipation laws in your state. Make her do the research. It's HER problem, not yours. I would tell her "I will take you to school, the dr., WIC, the grocery store for formula...and that's IT."
My ex husband has a daughter, who at 16 was not going to school, sneaking out, having sex, doing drugs, drinking and all sorts of stuff. I almost filed for divorce, it was that bad (I had just had twins and getting no sleep). So we ended up charging her with incorrigibility, and she ended up going to a youth home for girls until she was 18. We couldn't keep her safe if she was sneaking out at night, not knowing where she was going, etc.
Maybe you could do something like that and possibly file for temporary custody of your grandchild, until your daughter turns her life around? Your daughter sounds very unstable, and young...which could turn into a very horrible disaster for your grandchild, odds are good that she'd end up abusing her child out of frustration and blame or just abandoning the baby when life gets too real for her.
I hope you can get some help for your daughter, she definantly needs some help, or some tough love.
Thanks for all the replies. Most of them helpful instead of dogging me out on my parenting. I try not to "kick" people when they're down. The fact is we all make mistakes and we don't all get it right. I'm a perfect example. Thankx for being kind and giving me ideas.
I'm trying to look up grandparents rights in the state of Co.but alot of the situations don't really pertain to me. I'll probably have to get on the phone to a few lawyers and see if I can't get some free advice and go from there.
Called the mental health where I live to get my daughter schedualed for an eval. They first gave me an apt. for the 22nd but after stressing the situation and just how intense, I think I'll get moved up. I told them that SS said that I can't kick out my daughter because by law I'm responsible for her. So I told them I'm about to kick out my granddaughter then in order to keep her safe. My daughter is out of control and won't listen to reason.....It's weird those because her moods swing and shift so much that I'm never sure what she's going to be like. We fought all day today but then she was as sweet as pie to BOTH me and the baby this evening, into tonight so far....She hasn't lost her patience with the baby once tonight. This is a good thing
Dear mother,
First, I want to take this chance and applaude you, that no matter how difficult it has been, you have been committed to your daughter and her baby. You need to be proud of yourself,ans stop blaming yourself for the way she is. You already know that she was diagnosed, and in order for her to function normal she needs a psychiatric evaluation. Consult w/ a lawyer that specializes in this kind of situation. pls take care of yourself and find a clinic or a therapist in your are to help you cope with this difficult situation. Good luck Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, the environment plays a big part in a child's development but there is a big part that is just how they are. I have 3 children - all grew up in the same household, stable, 2 parents, not perfect but doing what we can. 2 kids are very well adjusted and 1 is having issues. All three are very different people with very different personalities, talents, etc.
This comment seems to suggest that if all children were raised in a 'perfect' environment, they would all turn out the same. Really? W4MrR seems to be doing all that she can for this kid. And wereas she may not be doing everything perfectly, to comment like this, as if to chuck it back in her face, seems unhelpful if not downright mean.
No, that's just how you chose to interpret my comments. No kid is raised in a perfect environment and I agree that kids each have their own personalities, etc. But it is also quite true that the family system plays a huge role in how kids develop. That is real. I'm not suggesting that this woman is to blame, but I also think it is naive to not examine every facet of the environment, the mother's own mental health, supervision of her daughter, the dynamic between her, her daughter, the father, and other family members, to see what is going on and what might be helpful to change. On top of that is the mental illness. It is important to look at ALL of that.
How you handle things makes a difference. Family systems make a difference. Most kids in therapy, for example, are there because of the family dynamic. Some child therapists actually prefer to treat the parents instead of the kids. But that is not the same thing as saying that the mother is to "blame".
My guess is that you are feeling some defensiveness because of your own situation, but that's not something I can help.
Laurae . . . I agree with your post above (and most of your posts btw). But this is not what you posted originally. I was interpreting what was posted. I was being defensive of the OP who seems to be dealing with a lot, doing all that she can and still has a tough situation. I personally would have thrown in a little compassion for the mom as well. But that's just me.
It's obvious that you daughter is having guidance issues. Instead of voicing how she feels she seems to express it through being rebellious. As far as her father not being there continuously she seems to find love in the wrong places e.g. having a baby with a guy who is 11 yrs older then her. At this point all you can do is continue loving her unconditionally whether she thinks you’re there for her or not. Reality hasn't really set in and she is definitely not mature enough to be raising and child. She may have to learn the hard way until she finally falls onto her face. I’m not saying kick her out but if it has to come to that point then that is what’s going to happen. Only if all avenues are exhausted and there is nothing left for you to do. If it does come to that solution then be prepared to deal with a whole another situation and that is someone having to take the responsibility of taking care of the baby. Another thing please DO NOT let her to continue to intimidate you she knows that she can do it and she will continue to take advantage. Your D really needs to be taught a lesson. I wish you luck.
Re: 13 and pregnant?? WHAT?? 
