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Ok, so here goes nothing....I guess I'm ready to get bashed BUT I'm hoping that maybe SOMEONE, at least ONE person can at least give me some advice...I already know I'm a bad and terrible mom, scum of the earth. Call me what you want. Lord knows how bad I've already beaten myself up. You guys can't really make me feel any worse.
My daughter has always been a very hard child to deal with and it has progessively just gotten worse sense she was about seven. She would go to school and tell them that I wouldn't feed her, or that she had no clothes, ect. Of course Social Services were called about three or four different times and each time having to close the case. My daughter had lied. Then about three years ago, she held me at knife point and said that she was going to stab and kill me. I never got stabbed but I was scared. I went to my room and locked the door that night. The next morning on my way to work, I called her therapist and told her/him what had happened. They told me to take her to the ER. I did, and they sent her to a syc. ward for about nine days and sent her home though I told them that I didn't feel safe....Through the next couple of years she continued getting into trouble with the police for destroying property, underage drinking, curfew violations, skipping school ect.
The police would find her and ask HER where she wanted to go. Home or school.. Police said that they couldn't force her to go to school if she didn't feel like it.. ??? What a system! We're talking about a 12-13 year old.
Anyway, my daughter got pregnant about a month befor her fourteenth birthday. The father is a 25 year old perv. that she thinks she's in love with. He's now in jail but now my daughter wanted my permission to let that aunty (his sister in~law) take the baby to the jail to visit him. I told my daughter "HELL NO!" My daughter said that it's not my baby and she can do what she wants.... I told her yeah right. I told her that she lives underneath my roof and I'm the one that's going to have to buy the diapers, food, clothing, dr. apt, ect, ect...
To be honest I'm fed up.... I would understand the behavior if I was a druggy, a partier, or just the case of a revolving door of men. None of which I am or have ever happened. I go to work and I come home..That's it. That's my life. I haven't even had a boyfriend in seven years and now even THAT is a door that is nailed shut. How could I possibly, with a clear concious, ask a guy to put up with my daughter, when half of the time I can't even deal with her?? It wouldn't be fair to him
So I guess what I want to know is, if you were in my situation what would you do? My daughter has nowhere to go and begs her dad to take her but he refuses. He's never had any real interest in the girl and social services would never allow it any way. Her only chioces are my home or foster care...If she goes into the system, she could lose the baby but she refuses to listen or follow rules and basically does what she wants...My concern is for the baby.
((SIGN!!)) Like I said, things have just gotten worse, and worse over the years...Now this is where I'm at. I have been asking for help with her and just kept getting the brush off. I tried the best I could but this is where I'm at now...The system seems to continue to side with my daughter saying that she's the parent of the baby and if she wants the father to see her, it's her decition. I'm not happy!
No advice except to never give up on your daughter. That doesn't mean put up with abusive behavior, but always love her no matter what. Sounds like she has a lousy father (maybe he abused her?). I'm not sure how a well-supervised 13 year old girl has a relationship with a 25 year old man, or how she got pregnant, why she kept the baby, and a whole host of other questions.
Children are products of their environment and the "family system". Are you getting therapy? Why is her father not allowed to take her? What dysfunction in the family is she reacting to? What type of mental illness (bipolar perhaps) is she dealing with?
My guess is that you don't currently have the emotional resources to deal with your daughter effectively (clearly) but I hope you will not stop trying to get help for yourself so that you can better help your daughter.
Her father never abused her but just has no interest in her. An example: My daughter had just had the baby and her dad went to the hospital to visit her for all of thirty minutes. Through out the pregnancy, her dad may have seen her MAYBE three or four times. He's always been like that. My daughter has a bad relationship with him but still continues to deal though it makes her sad, which turns into anger. =(
As for therapy, S.S won't make her go even though this situation with the baby is considered sexual assualt. Go figure that. Personally I think she was looking for that "fatherly love" that she wasn't recieveing from her father.
As for how she got pregnant by a 25 yr. old. My daughter had lied, #1 about his age and refused to let me meet him. When I voiced my concerns about her friends to the therapist, they said that she needs to make those decitions on her own. All that I could really do was give her information on good and bad influences...Needless to say, THAT didn't work.
Well, considering she held you at knife point... to be honest I don't know what to say, this situation is, well, intense!
Only advice I can give is not to be afraid of her even at knife point, it only encourages her behaviour, trust me on that. Furthermore what kind of friends does she hang out with? What type of school is she in? When was the last time you two actually had a heart-to-heart talk about life?
All her friends are her age. I met the parents of them all, have thier phone number and know where they live.
Her baby's dad use to live in the same complexes we live in. That's how she met him. They would spend time together while I was at work or my daughter would lie and say she was going to the store and really she'd be out with him...She lied about him knowing I would turn him in
As for school, last year it was a regular middle school. This year it's a school geared toward teen moms and getting them through fast to graduate so they don't drop out.
As for talking to her. I have and continue to but it get harder and harder. She's convinced that she can make it on her own and that she don't need me. She wants to get imancipated and move out. S.S told her no. So my daughter continues to make life difficult while being forced to live with me....True, she is no longer violent but I've told her that if it ever even came close that I would call the cops. I told her at that point, she might as well kiss that baby bye for the last time. No way will the police leave a defenceless baby in a violent home
Sounds like your daughter has mental issues and needs some professional help.
We went through something similar with my brother...but it was drugs and he was 17. My stepdad shipped him away to a rehab for almost a year. He came back ok, but at 22, he's now going back to his old ways. Heartbreaking, and I've cut all ties.
Continue to love your daughter but don't be a doormat or live in fear. The minute shet goes down, call CPS on her and have that child put in your custody (if that is what you'd do). Sad situation. My daughter is 12 and while she is very young for her age, I am ready for the teen years...well....as ready as I'll ever be.
Well.... I've been there... D had her baby at 15. And no, I'm still not sure how this happened. Seems like one day we were in girl scouts (and I was the GS leader) selling cookies, and the next... she was pregnant. This d wanted to finish school, so mom did double duty... helping with the baby, working full time, taking the baby to free day care (thank God! for friends!) and being a taxi....in addition to dealing with my 4 other kids. Ex husband was no help, and this baby was the straw that broke the camel's back...and proved his lack of character when he walked out.
Without going into a long story....these are some things I've learned. WHILE teens are pregnant, they are considered emancipated and you have no say in their decisions. Once they have the baby, they are not and you are responsible 100% but only for your child, not the grandchild. Your daughter gets to make all the calls regarding her baby. Of course you give your opinion, but there is nothing you can do till whatever age is considered legal in your state. (I tried to talk mine into adoption, no go.... we were on good terms tho, but I busted my butt trying to figure this out). I was told emancipation would only be granted by the court after the age of 16, and ONLY if the child had a full time job, was self-supporting, had a plan to finish their education, etc...
The county health department was as helpful as anything. They WANT to help, and if you can get a rapport with a case worker they will TRY to do everything they can to work with you and d. Of course d being defiant doesn't help. I made myself familiar with DCF and the health department people, made every contact I could.
My other d...not pregnant... was ridiculously defiant. Skipped school, dated an older guy, ran away so many times.... In her case, I kept a file. Every freakin thing she did I noted it. Every time the cops had to be called for an altercation or because she ran away, I kept their card and noted it. I'd hand them a sheet with all her stats. I kept one step ahead of the truant officer because I could be in trouble for her not going to school. I've had police drag her out of bed and bring her to school in a patrol car. I'd call the truant officer when she wouldn't go to school.... I HAD to go to work. I went to counseling, when she was home I took her to counseling, I nailed her bedroom window shut, I did everything I could to stay on top of her. Her counselor said hope she gets arrested so the courts get involved...she did. They did. I was there every step. A friend of mine was able to get custody of the baby... when her d finally got arrested. She didn't WANT a baby, but she didn't want her out-of-control daughter to do something stupid with the baby. I told her the same thing, DOCUMENT everything, you may need it later. Document every argument, every time she takes off and leaves you with the baby, every time she goes out and parties, every time she steals something from you, every f'in thing.....
She moved out when she was 16. I kept the "rap sheet" because I was afraid if she got into trouble, I'd be screwed. She didn't get into trouble, she got a job and has been working ever since... moved in with that same guy, they are still together 6 years later, getting married and having thier first baby. We are also on good terms.
Soooooooooo..... my advice.... even with a violent teen, stay on top of the situation. Do not back down. Remember your rights as a parent also.... you only have to provide a roof, bare minimum clothing, a mattress, and some sort of food. You do NOT have to pay for anything extra like a phone, or cool clothes, or cable, or anything else. Do NOT let her take advantage of you. Stay up with the truant officer, get every service you can from Children's services...that's what they are there for. YOUR child needs help, and her child needs help. If you have issues where she stays out partying and you keep the baby.... then call around, find out what your rights are and what choices you have. Educate yourself, even if its a pain in the butt and alot of work. If you have to occassionally get the police involved, do not fight with her in front of the police... be polite with them, explain that you want what is best for your child, show them your notes if you have to, get them "on your side". Yes, I hate that there are sides.... but there are.
And ya know, she isn't doing this TO YOU..... she is lost, screwed up, whatever.... so I agree with DON'T GIVE UP ON HER.... even if you practice tough love, it's not because you are giving up. It's because you want her life to be ok. It's hard, and it sucks.... but it may just be YOU not giving up that saves her. And take her to get birth control shots or something that SHE doesn't have to be responsible for at this time. That sucked too.... but it was better than the alternative.
This was a few years ago...My d's are now 22 & 23. D who had the baby at 15 has moved in with new H and I.... grand daughter is 8 years old and hasn't seen her dad in 4 years...his choice. She does have an awesome family with us tho. And d is 23 now, in nursing school.... trying to get to where she can support her d herself.
Hang in there... do what you need to do. Take time out when you can. Don't be afraid to say no to your daughter. Be tough. I feel like I can type forever about this....
There are also online support groups for mom's of teen mothers. I also just finished a grad class and wrote a paper on teen mothers, and how the kids of teen mom's fare... The whole thing is family support. How the teen mom gets along in life, how the baby grows up without a miserable life is all about family support from the teen mom's family. Get help where ever you can.
I just want to add.... that it's hard to even talk about all that.... 8 years later. And at the time, it was so freaking humiliating and embarassing, and frustrating. I HAD to think that I MUST have been part of the problem.... so there was "self" issues. BUT, you have to put that all aside, or save it for the counselor.... and keep pushing forward to do whatever it is you need to do.
Thanks for all the replies...As a matter of fact when my daughter was at the psy.ward they had diagnosed her oppositional defient and gave her meds for depression because she threatened my life and her own. After about a month, she stopped taking the meds.
Then about seven months ago, she threatened her life again when the detective told her that her baby's father was in jail. They wanted to put her in a psy. ward that time too but couldn't find placement.
As for keeping the baby, SS says the baby will be the one to go to foster care if my daughter doesn't take proper care of the baby. They always talk as if the baby should have to get placement, that I couldn't retain custody. ;( Seems like I'm going to lose the baby no matter what. My daughter can't wait to move out and says I'll never see the baby. She's super angry for turning her boyfriend in...I'm really upset that the boyfriends sister doesn't see anything wrong with this whole situation. I mean really?? What twenty five yr. old man looks at a 13 yr. old and licks his lips and says I want to get with that?? GROSSS!!!!!!
I'm only wondering in my mind if the options could be REVERSED! HER going into foster care, or psych ward until she's better, and YOU getting the baby. Could you talk to a custody lawyer, and explain your daughter has emotional issues, but Social Services is not on your side? Does social services KNOW she was in the psych ward?
On a personal note, I went through HUGE issues myself. I was "outraged" because I went through verbal abuse, and other issues with my parents. I ended up very bitter, and severely depressed. It takes TIME, effort on her part, medications, and a big SLAP of reality! I'm hoping she gets all these things somehow.
I would say, I would tell her I STILL LOVE HER, not matter what, but I am NOT taking nasty behaviour off her. I would help her with the baby, but not be her doormat and free baby-sitter service.
Maybe sit down calmly with her (if at all possible), and have a paper with the ground rules. (reasonable ones she can agree to), and tell her if she sticks to them, you'll do you VERY BEST to take care of her, and help her with the baby.