My parents are driving me NUTS - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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My parents are driving me NUTS

So earlier this year, my parents (father and step mom) moved to where I live. It was a 6 hour move for them. They now live VERY close to me. I have young sisters.

My husband and I have two children as well. He works 50 or so hours a week. I work 40 and I am also a full time student.

So, as you can see, we are VERY busy people. My family does not seem to understand this.
They will drop by my house any time, ring the door bell, and expect to come in and hang out. They ask me to watch their children pretty regularly. I get so annoyed, because I barely have time for my own family.

I am on maternity leave for a few months, so it has gotten worse since our last child was born. They "know" that I am home everyday, and pop up whenever. My step mom treats me like her only friend, and text me EVERYDAY asking me what I am doing. I am so tired of it. Even though I am on leave, I still have a butt load of homework to do, and taking care of children. Not to mention housework. OH and not to mention a struggling marriage (other post is in coping with infidelity).

I have told them numerous times how busy I am, and they still do not get it.
Not to mention, my sisters are BAD. They do not disciplin them at all, so hanging out with them in general is miserable.
I hate that I feel this way about my family, but they are driving me nuts!
Am I crazy here??? How do I approach this?
I know it sounds easy "just tell them no" but it's difficult when they are asking me every single day.


Last edited by adegirl2016; 01-12-2017 at 08:09 AM.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

You've already told them you don't want them to drop by unancounced, and yet they choose to ignore your wishes and your needs and do as they please.

So when they show up unannounced, tell them it's not a good time and don't let them in the house.

They'll get the message eventually, that you're actually serious.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

So, is your stepmom like late 20s/early 30s and your dad is like in his 50s? Remember that they are taking advantage of you without considering your feelings at all. That is how you need to approach it. Instead of saying, sorry, I can't do this anymore and they get their feelings hurt, tell them how mad you are at them that they don't care about how you feel at all. That they just drop their kids off at your place and don't worry about how it makes you feel. What if I dropped my kids at your house all the time? Then give them a number to a nanny.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:40 PM Thread Starter
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Yes she is in her mid 30's and I am in my mid 20's. and yes my dad just turned 50 lol. How could you tell??

They haven't asked me to watch the kids since the baby has been born (although they did ask me 2 days before she was born) but she just texted me and asked me to so she can go to a job interview. They have stopped by several times though without telling me.

I am not ready to watch other kids yet!! My baby is two weeks old! Ugh!!!!
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
So earlier this year, my parents (father and step mom) moved to where I live. It was a 6 hour move for them. They now live in my neighborhood. I have two young sisters (age 2 and 8).

My husband and I have two children as well - aged 4 and a newborn. He worked 50 or so hours a week. I work 40 and I am also a full time student (graduating in May!!)

So, as you can see, we are VERY busy people. My family does not seem to understand this.
They will drop by my house any time, ring the door bell, and expect to come in and hang out. They ask me to watch their children pretty regularly. I get so annoyed, because I barely have time for my own family.

I am on maternity leave for a few months, so it has gotten worse since our last child was born. They "know" that I am home everyday, and pop up whenever. My step mom treats me like her only friend, and text me EVERYDAY asking me what I am doing. I am so tired of it. Even though I am on leave, I still have a butt load of homework to do, and two children. Not to mention housework. OH and not to mention a struggling marriage (other post is in coping with infidelity).

I have told them numerous times how busy I am, and they still do not get it.
Not to mention, my sisters are BAD. They do not disciplin them at all, so hanging out with them in general is miserable.
I hate that I feel this way about my family, but they are driving me nuts!
Am I crazy here??? How do I approach this?
I know it sounds easy "just tell them no" but it's difficult when they are asking me every single day.
Stop telling them WHY you have rules - just tell them the rules.

1) If you come by unannounced, I will not invite you in.
2) If you call in advance, we must agree on a time for you to visit. it is not enough for you to call and say "we will be there at 4pm".
3) During a visit, if conclude that my sisters' behaviors are unacceptable in my household, I will tell you once that this is not acceptable, and after another 5-10 minutes, if it continues, I will tell you that it's time to leave.
4) None of this is to be critical to you. This is about me establishing my own household and maintaining the lifestyle my husband and I have agreed on.

Hope this helps.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

If you are not expecting any visitors, don't even open the door. You don't have to respond to a text right away. You're busy! Have your phone on voice mail so you don't have to answer. You don't owe them an explanation. "I'm busy" is the only response they need to hear.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

First off, let me say congratulations on your new baby!

What a mess your husband has heaped on you. He cheated on you while you are pregnant and now your parents are forcing themselves into your troubled marriage. When you graduate in May of this year, graduate from all of these thorns in your side. Dump their memories in the compost pile in your back yard.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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I am telling you! I am so sick of people trying to run me over and treating me anyway they want. Not to mention, I just cut all ties with my mother. She is crazy and a whole other story. I won't go in to detail but I'll say the relationship with her is toxic and I was done.
No wonder I am so miserable. I wish everyone would leave me alone. These people who are closest to me are all treating me like crap! I wish I could take my kids and run away from it all. Ugh!
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time with all this! I think there is excellent advice offered above--set your boundaries (and rules), and stick to them. Learn to say NO!

I know it's hard starting out. If you've spent your entire life in toxic relationships with people dumping on you and no one ever sticking up for you, it can be hard to stick up for yourself, because those people in your life have taught you that you don't deserve better. But you DO DESERVE BETTER.

So practice your responses. Have prepared answers for anything they might throw your way.

They expect you to babysit at the drop of a hat? I'm afraid that doesn't work for me. Good luck finding a sitter! (Maybe give them the numbers of some sitter services in the area and suggest that they plan ahead next time.)

They just drop by and expect to come in and hang out? Don't even let them in the front door! I'm afraid this won't work for me, we have a lot going on today. If you let me know a few days in advance, maybe we can plan a play date to take the kids to the park.

They comment about how you have all this free time because you're on maternity leave? Actually, I'm on maternity leave because taking care of my newborn, our other two young children, and our household is actually a full-time job. I'll have to go back to work soon, and I need as much one-on-one time with the baby so that we properly bond before I have to return to work. Oh, and mentioning work--did you know that I'm still working from home while on leave?

Be firm with your NO, and every time that you say NO, clearly tell them what would be acceptable behavior and encourage them to do that in the future. Eventually they will learn, if you stick to it. That doesn't mean that you HAVE to accept every playdate that stepmom suggests. Figure out what would be an acceptable number for you. Once a week? Twice a week? If she starts inviting more than whatever limit you've decided on, you can decline additional invitations above and beyond that. The easy way to do that is to say, You know, the rest of this week is going to be pretty hectic for us, and I don't want to over-extend the kids. How does next Tuesday work for you? She can't really get upset if you suggest an alternate date when you decline.

Good luck! Let us know how things go.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
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I appreciate the advice! I told her I was not ready to babysit. I am going to stop answering the door too. I mean, if they don't tell me they are coming, why should I answer? What if I am in the shower? Having sex? Lol.
Good idea to put a cap on how often I will allow us to hang out.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
These people who are closest to me are all treating me like crap!
Because you allow them to.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

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I appreciate the advice! I told her I was not ready to babysit. I am going to stop answering the door too. I mean, if they don't tell me they are coming, why should I answer? What if I am in the shower? Having sex? Lol.
Good idea to put a cap on how often I will allow us to hang out.
You are an adult. You get to decide who you spend your time with, and how much. Sometimes parents have a hard time treating their adult children like, well, autonomous adults. It may be that your father still sees you as his little girl and expects you to do what he tells or expects you to do; he may not view your life as your own. As adult children, WE have to be the ones to change the dynamics, because parents will rarely do that on their own.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: My parents are driving me NUTS

The only people worthy of a piggy back ride given by you are your kids. The rest can take a hike.
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