Parenting with a bpd rage aholic - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:14 PM Thread Starter
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Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

I have a 20 month old sweet little girl who is my world. However, my wife's Mrs Jekyll and Hyde doesn't have an off switch. My daughter gets into things, has accidents, and wifey dearest goes ape sh*t with yelling swear words and terrifying her to the point she's shaking. My daughter is doing exactly what babies do.

This frankly gives me nightmares. I've installed cameras in the house to document things when I'm at work. Knowing mommy dearest could verbally abuse/physically abuse my daughter, and the odds of me getting physical custody are less than zero, I stick it out so I can step in if things get out of hand. What do I do here?

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

Does she drink? If not, this will lead her to. She either needs to voluntarily get help or you have to plan life after her. Seriously, it doesn't get better.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:26 PM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

Sounds like a great life.

You have a responsibility to get that wife of yours out of the house for good and have only supervised visitation with her girl until she gets on meds. Speak to an attorney and figure out what you need to do. Yes you'll have to pay for daycare, but big deal.

Has she ever been suicidal?
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:26 PM Thread Starter
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She's not a drinker. She's the type that everything is everybody else's fault. There is absolutely no introspect. There's no looking in the mirror one day and her thinking "maybe I'm just a huge pool of sewage and I want to change that."

I've seen how she treats my step daughter and I see history repeating itself with the rage .
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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I can handle the psychological warfare. And I agree 100% that something needs to be done. Talking to an attorney would be the first step to find out if the court would label this as abuse, and yes she's threatened to kill herself.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

They always threaten to kill themselves. It's all control. Know that either way, none of it is your fault.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diesel_Bomber View Post
I can handle the psychological warfare. And I agree 100% that something needs to be done. Talking to an attorney would be the first step to find out if the court would label this as abuse, and yes she's threatened to kill herself.
If you can learn ways to soothe her, she will likely calm down. It can only help your daughter if Mom is calmer.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

You need professionals on your team. Yes, a lawyer asap. Also some kind of child/family psychologist with experience dealing with BPD/NPD.

My amateur opinion (formerly married to a psychologist so I've had some conversations with her about BPD and child welfare) is you need to get your child away from your wife. To do that you will have to thread the needle legally. This is why you need the lawyer, so you don't misfire. Your wife is going to do very unexpected things, and your reactions could torpedo or greatly complicate your efforts. You need a psychologist to help you help your daughter.

Right now even at her young age your daughter is being traumatized. Letting her mom have access to her will result in your daughter being permanently and seriously damaged.

There are some books and websites out there about how to divorce a BPD. You should seek them out.

And probably you should seek your own personal counseling or support group.

At this point your wife is the enemy of your daughter. Your wife is also your enemy even though you have some form of love for her. She will destroy you. Unintentionally or unconsciously, but that is what she will do. You need to protect your daughter and yourself. I wish I could be in some way optimistic there is a solution which includes you remaining married and your daughter growing up happy, healthy, and well adjusted. The chances of that are zero imho.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:19 PM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

If your wife makes a suicide threat, you should immediately call 911. But you need to also protect yourself. She may tell the responding officers you threatened her, or some other batxhit crazy thing. I would wear a VAR when around her at all times. Your videoing of her in the house is probably a very good idea, too. I presume she does not know about the cameras you have set up. If she does not, I would not tell her.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

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You need professionals on your team. Yes, a lawyer asap. Also some kind of child/family psychologist with experience dealing with BPD/NPD.

My amateur opinion (formerly married to a psychologist so I've had some conversations with her about BPD and child welfare) is you need to get your child away from your wife. To do that you will have to thread the needle legally. This is why you need the lawyer, so you don't misfire. Your wife is going to do very unexpected things, and your reactions could torpedo or greatly complicate your efforts. You need a psychologist to help you help your daughter.

Right now even at her young age your daughter is being traumatized. Letting her mom have access to her will result in your daughter being permanently and seriously damaged.

There are some books and websites out there about how to divorce a BPD. You should seek them out.

And probably you should seek your own personal counseling or support group.

At this point your wife is the enemy of your daughter. Your wife is also your enemy even though you have some form of love for her. She will destroy you. Unintentionally or unconsciously, but that is what she will do. You need to protect your daughter and yourself. I wish I could be in some way optimistic there is a solution which includes you remaining married and your daughter growing up happy, healthy, and well adjusted. The chances of that are zero imho.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
If your wife makes a suicide threat, you should immediately call 911. But you need to also protect yourself. She may tell the responding officers you threatened her, or some other batxhit crazy thing. I would wear a VAR when around her at all times. Your videoing of her in the house is probably a very good idea, too. I presume she does not know about the cameras you have set up. If she does not, I would not tell her.
Everything Thor said. document document document. Not just her, you too. Keep a journal and write in it not only the crazy sh!t she does, but also the normal things you do. Helpful to have a log of how involved you are in daughters care and life. keep and back up any written communication. screenshot crazy texts with her number at the top (not her name). Try to communicate in writing (text/email) if you can so you have documentation that's easy to archive. save everything.

In the meantime, she will always be your daughters mother. Investing in her will always be helping your daughter. If you can convince her to take a parenting course with you, or anger management, or sign up for MOPS. She will either develop some mothering skills, or you will have witnesses. win win.


Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.

Last edited by sixty-eight; 01-17-2017 at 10:33 PM.
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

@Diesel_Bomber

Here is a little personal story that Ive never shared to give you an idea of the impact. Your post and daughter ring true to me.

my sister and I were abused by our mother. I was raged at for the smallest little thing. To this day, at 37, i remember these instances vividly. I can replay what happened in my mind like a movie on demand. I was choked with a hockey sock because i hung equipment wrong, I was slammed in the face with a book when learning to read because i didnt know a word, i was pinched non stop depending on her mood, the list goes on. These are my childhood memories.

at a very young age I 'plotted' my moms 'death' by means of some silly obstacle course. I actually drew it out. My plan involved scaring her with my lizard, hiding a trip wire behind her so she would fall and bump her head. I can still picture the drawing. The reality is I didnt want her dead I just wanted her gone and my pain to stop. I know this now but as a child I was just simply scared, all the time.

My sister and I wished our parents would divorce so we could live with dad. We were young but talked about it all the time. Thats a horrible burden to put on children.

Fast forward to now. Now, today, I actually resent my FATHER more then my mother. As does my sister. We talked about this just a couple days ago. The reason is because he did not protect us, ever. He knew it was happening and did nothing. I actually called him at work once when it was happening to tell him, yet nothing changed. I felt like he failed me and didnt love me because why else would he allow it to happen. I still dont know these answers but its damaged my relationship with my father. The abuse didnt stop until I was old enough to protect myself, 14, and during one of her episodes I stopped her slap from connecting, looked her in the eye and told her to never fvcking touch me again. Thats the day it stopped and i remember it like yesterday too.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it has impacted me as an adult and im just now working through that.

There are consequences here that are MASSIVE for your little girl. YOU are all she has my friend. I wish my father walked straight up to my mother and just said what I had to at 14 years old.

Last edited by Grapes; 01-19-2017 at 09:27 AM. Reason: fix words
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

Im just going to add the perspective of my sister since you had a girl.

my sister and I just started talking about our childhood together at the request of my IC. I asked my sister how she felt the abuse impacted her and her life.

Years back when she got married she made the decision to not have kids. She married a man that also doesnt want kids. This a perfectly fine and acceptable decision but the reason for the decision makes me so sad. She is in such fear that she would end up like mom that she didnt want to risk it. That is her reason. Her decision to have a child was in a sense taken away from her out of fear.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Parenting with a bpd rage aholic

Ask your lawyer if you might want to contact CPS. Can you legally adopt her first?
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