My husband and I have been married for 3 years and through those years my mother in law and I have not gotten along. Well, she doesn't get along with me at least. She didnt like me when we were dating and my mom didnt like my husband either. We eloped on december 12th 2013 with only my brother and sister in law as witnesses. My mom took a great liking to my husband when she found out we were married. She even apologized to me for her words and actions, admitting that she just wanted the best for me and she sees now that he is a very good man. His mother, not so much. She lived with him, not being able to afford a place on her own. So, naturally, she saw me as a threat.
I was moving in whether she liked me or not. My husband firmly explained the situation and told her that if she had any issues with me she could politely leave. She didnt of course. She would try to get along with me but eventually she would get annoyed by my way of doing things and throw a tantrum. These tantrums ranged from calling me a slob, accusing me of stealing her things and going in her room, having a fit because I put a utensil or pot in the wrong place, getting angry when i would make coffee in "her" coffee pot, actively being loud and gossiping about me on the phone, and last but not least, accusing me of being a bad wife because I wasn't cooking and cleaning for my husband like i should (something my husband asked me NOT to go out of my way for). I did basic things like dishes and cleaning the bathroom but doing husbands laundry and cooking was not something I did regularly. My husband dealt with these tantrums one at a time and after many threats to her living situation and us almost moving in with my mom, things have quieted down some. Now she only ignores me when she's angry, which is fine with me as long as she keeps to herself. She wouldn't DARE say a thing about me to my husband, thats for sure, not after everything he has threatened. Naturally, I confided in my mom through it all, we are very close so she knows everything mother in law had done and said. probably a mistake on my part. They have never met and, of course, my mom does NOT like her or have any interest in meeting her. Mother in law doesn't know this.
Fast forword to present day. I am 6 months pregnant with a baby girl and my husband and I are super excited despite the fact that she was a surprise. Mother in law is happy too believe it or not, she's been wanting a grandchild for years and her harsh view on me has softened. She definitely is more tolerant of me now than before. I have told my mom about mother in laws change in attitude but my mom still hates her. She's convinced that mother in laws presents in our house will be bad for the baby since she smokes and will probably try to raise my child her way, but I have chosen to cross that bridge when we come to it and just enjoy the peace for now.
Now, finally, on to my problem. My mom is organizing a baby shower with my step mom (my mom and dad are divorced), my grandma and my brothers wife. My mom has told me that she is willing to invite mother in law if I want. My husband thinks his mother should go, that it will be good for the grandmothers to meet. I think it will be a disaster. Mother in law, by nature, isn't exactly an enjoyable person to be around. She is negative and pessimistic about most things and is also highly opinionated. When someone doesn't share her opinion, she finds reasons to dislike that person and becomes passive aggressive and rude. Hence why she has been so difficult with me in the past.
My mother can be a joy and has many friends who enjoy her, unlike my mother in law. But like my mother in law, once she decides she doesn't like a person, she can become quite rude herself. I don't know if my mom could control herself if mother in law says something she rude or passive aggressive about me or the shower, which she very well might. And I don't trust that mother in law WON'T say anything offensive or insulting. Not only that, but if mother in law feels ignored or insulted by my mom's lack of interest in their meeting, she might take it out on me after the shower is over and the peace i've been enjoying will be ruined. My biggest fear is that she and my mom will have a confrontation AT my shower in front of everyone and I will be caught in the middle.
My mom thinks that the invite to my baby shower is just a courtesy to mother in law and doesn't expect her to be there. Little does she know, mother in law WANTS to go and has even discussed with me about the date so she can ask her work for the day off. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to meet and especially not at my baby shower. It's not like I can lie to mother in law and say i'm not having one, then she will wonder where all the gifts came from.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted to make sure everyone knew the full story behind my fears. What would you do in my situation? Telling mother in law she isn't invited would totally ruin her new cool attitude towards me. But inviting her opens a new can of worms that I am not ready for. What should I do?
They are adults, you have no responsibility to control their actions to placate them. If your mother in law starts getting rude, then she has to deal with whatever your mother says to her, she's a grown woman, if she can't control her mouth then she is going to get it back in return. You don't need to protect either of them. If WW111 breaks out, kindly ask the beginning offender to leave. He is YOUR HUSBAND, that is yours and his home, if the peace is destroyed, or if she smokes in the home, or becomes a rude b$@#h again, move out and leave her to her own devices. Your mother-in-law is not your responsibility to keep happy if she isn't going to return the same respect, care, and understanding to you. Go to your shower and let them do what they wish, remember they are ADULTS, if they want to act like kids and upset each other, oh well they can deal with it. Good luck!