I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

In-laws tend to meet once their children are married -- especially when they live in the same area. Your mother and his mother are long overdue to meet at this point. Before the shower would be better (maybe a special dinner or something). As to her attendance at the shower, it's probably better not to exclude her. They're both adults and if they can't act in an appropriate manner for a couple of hours then that's on them. But not to invite her when you're living together could create a very uncomfortable situation that you don't need.

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post #17 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Is there any reason why she lives with you? Its rarely a good idea for a married couple to live with parents.
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post #18 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
First of all before anything else happens you need to have your own place separate from either your mom or MIL
Exactly.Your husband needs to finally cut the apron strings. Have you thought about moving away somewhere so that you can be alone? Thats what I would do.
I would never marry a guy who still lived with his mum.
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post #19 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

I had a Monster-in-Law as well.

My advice? Put your foot down.

I uninvited mine from wedding dress shopping in the cruelest way possible: I waited until she told everyone (she was bragging because she was "paying' for it, but that's only because she had store credit... She didn't help out in any other way), got ready, and didn't show up to pick her. I did this all to make a point. I embarrassed the **** out of her on purpose. I knew if I told her I didn't want her there (like an adult) no one on the outside would know to the severity as to why I didn't want her there. She couldn't save her face and for me to go to such lengths to not involve her clearly suggests she's not as innocent as she let people believe. She's also very non confrontational and passive aggressive in her treatment so I decided to beat her at her own game.

It worked like a charm. She never asked me about it (proof she's very non confrontational), but my point was made and she learned to mind her ****ing self in my presence.

Also, it's time for her to move out.
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post #20 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

I too have a monster in law. There is NO WAY IN HE!L that she would EVER EVER live (or even visit lol) us in our home. No freakin' way.

There is no real reason why she cant move out. I read your excuses, but that's all they really are. She can get her own apartment, if she earns as little as you say, she'd qualify for low cost housing, and can stop smoking - necessity is the mother of invention.

While I wouldn't invite my MIL to my baby shower (she hates my guts and we don't speak), if you are getting along relatively well with yours, it wouldn't be a good idea to exclude her. You can speak to your mum and say that you think for family peace, it would be a good idea to invite her and for your mum to please hold her tongue if MIL acts out.

IF MIL acts out, that is on her and her alone. You are not responsible for her behaviour.
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post #21 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 06:43 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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That's not happening. Mother in law lives with US not the other way around. She makes $11 an hour as a CNA and honestly, thats all she can really do. Until she finds someone else to live with or we start making enough to support her in different living arrangements, we are unfortunately stuck with her.
Would your mother in law qualify for any kind of public assistance?
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post #22 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 06:52 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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I guess you're right. There's really nothing I could do about it if they decide to act like children. And yes, we have spoken to her about smoking outside when we first announced the pregnancy and I plan to remind her again when the due date gets closer, but convincing her to quit is a losing battle. My husband already tried to fight it when she got pneumonia. She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.
Now that you are pregnant, she should not be smoking in the house. Smoking hurts the fetus just as much as it can hurt a child after birth.

You might want to look at helping your MIL to quit smoking all together. There are all kinds of free programs in a lot of places for this. They tend to give out free patches and/or gum. Another way to go are ecigs to help her quit. Ecigs are must less expensive over all than cigarettes. But she would still have to smoke it outside.

Are there any places near you that have efficiency apartments. IF she quits smoking she might be able to afford one. She might feel better in her own place, even if it's tiny.

When I married my ex, his mother and mine hated each other. I had the same worry about having both of them at our wedding as it was a small wedding and dinner in our home. So I was very concerned. My final resolution was to not worry about them. We both just told our mothers that if they could not behave themselves, it was easy to call a taxi to take them home.

The two mothers got the hit and behaved graciously towards each other all evening. Put the responsibility on them to behave.

Plus, you need to take some responsibility for poisoning your mother against your MIL. While it might have been good to have your mother's shoulder to lean on, you have made it next to impossible for the two women to develop a relationship on their own terms. So now you might want to consider helping to smooth this over.
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post #23 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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I don't think you understand, we can't DEMAND anything out of this woman. She's been smoking for 40 years and she's not quitting even if she agrees to. She will buy cigarettes behind our backs so its useless to even bring up to her. And asking her to save to find her own place is a whole nother can of worms. My husband has asked her to do that before, she reluctantly agreed and then conveniently got "laid off" from her job a week later. I would rather have her be working than not because at least then she will have to leave the house, which she doesnt do when she isn't working. She also gets even crazier when she has nothing to do. She's an adult and we can't force her to do anything she doesn't want. And my husband won't make steps to kick her out or leave her with nothing just because she might cause issues, she actually has to do something offending for him to take action. All we can do is wait and work towards more money so we could eventually have a space of our own.
I understand the woman is not going to stop smoking, but she should be able to do it outside. I know plenty of smokers who don't smoke inside the house (or car). OK, not plenty as no one I know smokes anymore! But I have known plenty. She cannot be smoking inside when you have a baby! And I don't just mean smoking near the baby. If she has a job, surely she goes outside there to smoke. She can do the same at home.

I had a week long corporate training gig once where the "training room" was the room that used to be the smoking room before smoking indoors was banned. OH. MY. GOD. I had to take antihistamines (which I HATE) just to be in that room. My nose was red and running and congested, throat raw and hoarse, eyes burning... Those smoke particles stick around and IRRITATE. You don't want that for your newborn baby!
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post #24 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
I had a Monster-in-Law as well.

My advice? Put your foot down.

I uninvited mine from wedding dress shopping in the cruelest way possible: I waited until she told everyone (she was bragging because she was "paying' for it, but that's only because she had store credit... She didn't help out in any other way), got ready, and didn't show up to pick her. I did this all to make a point. I embarrassed the **** out of her on purpose. I knew if I told her I didn't want her there (like an adult) no one on the outside would know to the severity as to why I didn't want her there. She couldn't save her face and for me to go to such lengths to not involve her clearly suggests she's not as innocent as she let people believe. She's also very non confrontational and passive aggressive in her treatment so I decided to beat her at her own game.

It worked like a charm. She never asked me about it (proof she's very non confrontational), but my point was made and she learned to mind her ****ing self in my presence.

Also, it's time for her to move out.
That's great!! I only wish I did something like that to my in-laws to put them in their place.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #25 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Think of the shower as a 'gift'. Your MIL may very well act out which will give you more ammo against her with your husband. She will come in handy caring for a new-born.

It's possible your MIL could afford a place of her own with a roommate or two. She must have coworkers who are in the same predicament.

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post #26 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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My husband and I have been married for 3 years and through those years my mother in law and I have not gotten along. Well, she doesn't get along with me at least. She didnt like me when we were dating and my mom didnt like my husband either. We eloped on december 12th 2013 with only my brother and sister in law as witnesses. My mom took a great liking to my husband when she found out we were married. She even apologized to me for her words and actions, admitting that she just wanted the best for me and she sees now that he is a very good man. His mother, not so much. She lived with him, not being able to afford a place on her own. So, naturally, she saw me as a threat.

I was moving in whether she liked me or not. My husband firmly explained the situation and told her that if she had any issues with me she could politely leave. She didnt of course. She would try to get along with me but eventually she would get annoyed by my way of doing things and throw a tantrum. These tantrums ranged from calling me a slob, accusing me of stealing her things and going in her room, having a fit because I put a utensil or pot in the wrong place, getting angry when i would make coffee in "her" coffee pot, actively being loud and gossiping about me on the phone, and last but not least, accusing me of being a bad wife because I wasn't cooking and cleaning for my husband like i should (something my husband asked me NOT to go out of my way for). I did basic things like dishes and cleaning the bathroom but doing husbands laundry and cooking was not something I did regularly. My husband dealt with these tantrums one at a time and after many threats to her living situation and us almost moving in with my mom, things have quieted down some. Now she only ignores me when she's angry, which is fine with me as long as she keeps to herself. She wouldn't DARE say a thing about me to my husband, thats for sure, not after everything he has threatened. Naturally, I confided in my mom through it all, we are very close so she knows everything mother in law had done and said. probably a mistake on my part. They have never met and, of course, my mom does NOT like her or have any interest in meeting her. Mother in law doesn't know this.

Fast forword to present day. I am 6 months pregnant with a baby girl and my husband and I are super excited despite the fact that she was a surprise. Mother in law is happy too believe it or not, she's been wanting a grandchild for years and her harsh view on me has softened. She definitely is more tolerant of me now than before. I have told my mom about mother in laws change in attitude but my mom still hates her. She's convinced that mother in laws presents in our house will be bad for the baby since she smokes and will probably try to raise my child her way, but I have chosen to cross that bridge when we come to it and just enjoy the peace for now.

Now, finally, on to my problem. My mom is organizing a baby shower with my step mom (my mom and dad are divorced), my grandma and my brothers wife. My mom has told me that she is willing to invite mother in law if I want. My husband thinks his mother should go, that it will be good for the grandmothers to meet. I think it will be a disaster. Mother in law, by nature, isn't exactly an enjoyable person to be around. She is negative and pessimistic about most things and is also highly opinionated. When someone doesn't share her opinion, she finds reasons to dislike that person and becomes passive aggressive and rude. Hence why she has been so difficult with me in the past.

My mother can be a joy and has many friends who enjoy her, unlike my mother in law. But like my mother in law, once she decides she doesn't like a person, she can become quite rude herself. I don't know if my mom could control herself if mother in law says something she rude or passive aggressive about me or the shower, which she very well might. And I don't trust that mother in law WON'T say anything offensive or insulting. Not only that, but if mother in law feels ignored or insulted by my mom's lack of interest in their meeting, she might take it out on me after the shower is over and the peace i've been enjoying will be ruined. My biggest fear is that she and my mom will have a confrontation AT my shower in front of everyone and I will be caught in the middle.

My mom thinks that the invite to my baby shower is just a courtesy to mother in law and doesn't expect her to be there. Little does she know, mother in law WANTS to go and has even discussed with me about the date so she can ask her work for the day off. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to meet and especially not at my baby shower. It's not like I can lie to mother in law and say i'm not having one, then she will wonder where all the gifts came from.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to make sure everyone knew the full story behind my fears. What would you do in my situation? Telling mother in law she isn't invited would totally ruin her new cool attitude towards me. But inviting her opens a new can of worms that I am not ready for. What should I do?
They are adults, you have no responsibility to control their actions to placate them. If your mother in law starts getting rude, then she has to deal with whatever your mother says to her, she's a grown woman, if she can't control her mouth then she is going to get it back in return. You don't need to protect either of them. If WW111 breaks out, kindly ask the beginning offender to leave. He is YOUR HUSBAND, that is yours and his home, if the peace is destroyed, or if she smokes in the home, or becomes a rude b$@#h again, move out and leave her to her own devices. Your mother-in-law is not your responsibility to keep happy if she isn't going to return the same respect, care, and understanding to you. Go to your shower and let them do what they wish, remember they are ADULTS, if they want to act like kids and upset each other, oh well they can deal with it. Good luck!
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post #27 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

I think it shows commitment to your H, that you've made this work out ok with his mom.

That said, you and your H need to be aligned where smoking is concerned.

Secondary smoke around a newborn is a total 'no go'. So MIL needs to understand that smoking in doors will result in you two giving notice to the landlord that you are moving out. MIL can then find new room mates to share the rent, or move into a smaller place.

This isn't about asking her to quit. It's solely about being firm that she cannot smoke inside.



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I guess you're right. There's really nothing I could do about it if they decide to act like children. And yes, we have spoken to her about smoking outside when we first announced the pregnancy and I plan to remind her again when the due date gets closer, but convincing her to quit is a losing battle. My husband already tried to fight it when she got pneumonia. She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.
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post #28 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

You are a lot more tolerant than I am, OP. I can't stand the smell of smoke. Even if she were to smoke outside, you can surely smell it on her. That can't be good for a baby, either.

Your mil sounds like an addict, btw. And, sorry to say, it sounds like you and your husband are enabling her. It is certainly your choice, but it might be helpful to see it for what it is.

What would she do if you and your husband died suddenly, say in a car accident? Have you ever asked her?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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You are a lot more tolerant than I am, OP. I can't stand the smell of smoke. Even if she were to smoke outside, you can surely smell it on her. That can't be good for a baby, either.

Your mil sounds like an addict, btw. And, sorry to say, it sounds like you and your husband are enabling her. It is certainly your choice, but it might be helpful to see it for what it is.

What would she do if you and your husband died suddenly, say in a car accident? Have you ever asked her?
As far as I know, she is only addicted to smoking. If we died, she would probably move in with her boyfriend. But for right now, we are alive and if we tried to make her move, she would retaliate by sabotaging her relationship with this boyfriend. I know because she almost did it once. She is very manipulative and will do anything to get what she wants. And what she wants is to live with my husband.
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post #30 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Would your mother in law qualify for any kind of public assistance?
Probably, but not living assistance. Most government assisted living arrangements in our city is loaded with crime and pests. She would never agree to live there.
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