I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
I too have a monster in law. There is NO WAY IN HE!L that she would EVER EVER live (or even visit lol) us in our home. No freakin' way.

There is no real reason why she cant move out. I read your excuses, but that's all they really are. She can get her own apartment, if she earns as little as you say, she'd qualify for low cost housing, and can stop smoking - necessity is the mother of invention.

While I wouldn't invite my MIL to my baby shower (she hates my guts and we don't speak), if you are getting along relatively well with yours, it wouldn't be a good idea to exclude her. You can speak to your mum and say that you think for family peace, it would be a good idea to invite her and for your mum to please hold her tongue if MIL acts out.

IF MIL acts out, that is on her and her alone. You are not responsible for her behaviour.
Low cost housing in our city (chicago) is loaded with crime and pests. Like I said before, she is an adult. We may be able to force her out if we owned a home but we rent and her name is on the lease. Legally, there's nothing we could do. She won't move by herself and we can't make her do it like a teenager. We have tried everything to make her leave and this include point blank telling her we don't want her here anymore. It just causes a fight, she gets angry, makes our lives hell and refuses to go. She certainly CAN stop smoking, apply for government aid, and move, but making her do it is the issue. In the end, she will do what she wants and we can't force her to do anything against her will.

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post #32 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Is there any reason why she lives with you? Its rarely a good idea for a married couple to live with parents.
I already explained this to previous posters, she lives with US and can't afford a place of her own.
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post #33 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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I already explained this to previous posters, she lives with US and can't afford a place of her own.
I would relocate. Might take a while but better than letting a ***** harm your marriage.
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post #34 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Does she put any money towards rent, utilities and food? If so, about what percentage of the bills?

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post #35 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Is the lease solely in her name?
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post #36 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Originally Posted by maddi View Post
As far as I know, she is only addicted to smoking. If we died, she would probably move in with her boyfriend. But for right now, we are alive and if we tried to make her move, she would retaliate by sabotaging her relationship with this boyfriend. I know because she almost did it once. She is very manipulative and will do anything to get what she wants. And what she wants is to live with my husband.
She will only be able to get her way if you both allow it. My advise is to start applying for jobs a long way away and move there(alone). Sometimes thats the only way to get away from controlling parents.
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post #37 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Low cost housing in our city (chicago) is loaded with crime and pests. Like I said before, she is an adult. We may be able to force her out if we owned a home but we rent and her name is on the lease. Legally, there's nothing we could do. She won't move by herself and we can't make her do it like a teenager. We have tried everything to make her leave and this include point blank telling her we don't want her here anymore. It just causes a fight, she gets angry, makes our lives hell and refuses to go. She certainly CAN stop smoking, apply for government aid, and move, but making her do it is the issue. In the end, she will do what she wants and we can't force her to do anything against her will.
But why don't the two of you move, and leave her where she is?

She can apply for government assistance without having to live in Section 8 housing. There are plenty of different programs- state and federal - that will provide her with some income. Food stamps can help with food. Medicaid can help with health insurance.

Depending on her age, she may be eligible to draw her social security benefits early if she is not using it already (this can be done based on lack of income at times).

Have you looked into the options?

State Resources for IL:

http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=30358

Federal Assistance Program Finder:

http://www.benefits.gov/benefits/ben...efits&qc=cat_1
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post #38 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Originally Posted by maddi View Post
I already explained this to previous posters, she lives with US and can't afford a place of her own.
Unless your / your H's name is on the lease, you live with her, not she with you. How long is left on the lease?

My recommendation is to discuss with your H arranging for housing that is only for you and your new family. Make plans, start saving. At the end of the lease, move out. You could do this, whether you're on the lease or not, and it's a fair arrangement. Make sure to notify MIL way in advance (like as soon as you and H are on the same page) so she knows what day it's happening on and she can act accordingly.

This way you didn't just take off and leave her hanging.

RE: Smoking inside... if you want anything done you're going to need your H to put his foot down on this. What needs to happen is he needs to notify her that this is an unalterable, non-negotiable boundary. And that if she won't agree to it, the two of you will be leaving much sooner.

ETA: I forgot to respond to the question about your baby shower. Tell your Mom that you expect her to behave well, hold her tongue, and pretend to get along. If she can't then maybe she shouldn't come. Your H should have the EXACT same conversation with his mom. Set some boundaries here.

I'm getting the feeling that you and your H would benefit from the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. It's heavily Christian--so if you're not, you may find it a little annoying--but the basic principles and rules apply, regardless of religion, IMO.

Last edited by Kivlor; 01-27-2017 at 04:55 PM.
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post #39 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Originally Posted by maddi View Post
I already explained this to previous posters, she lives with US and can't afford a place of her own.
She and your husband were living together before you married him (and her name is on the lease). Obviously, she considers that her home too. Sounds like you're stuck with her until you and your husband move out at some point.
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post #40 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:07 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Wow, she is a powerful force in your life. You still are toddlers in her eyes.
You do whatever she wants, for fear of consequences. You and DH are completely whipped by this woman.
It's so sad to read.

You have been given the right solutions over and over, but you and hubby are too afraid of her to do anything about it.
Recap of the right solutions.

1. Invite MIL to your shower. These are two adult women, they know how to be cordial at a baby shower for an hour or two.

2. Give MIL a date to move out by. Preferably before the baby comes. IF she is a co-signer on a longer lease, see if it can be amended to have you added instead of her, and if not, then the move out date may need to be the date the lease ends. It would be least hurtful if you can do it in conjunction of having the baby, as this is a time for you to nest and you are about to be the "mama bird", and there should only be one of those per nest. Explain your need for this as a new mama.

An elderly friend of ours made the most profound statement when my parents allowed a family who needed help to move in with us and it turned into a disaster. I will share it with you now, "The house hasn't been built yet that was big enough for two families".

3. Smoking stops immediately. Again, use the pregnancy. If she says she won't or doesn't, then again, she needs to move out. Her grandchild doesn't deserve you to have you swallow part of a cigarette every time she walks by you with her cloud of second hand smoke coming off her and her clothes.

4. If you and your husband cannot or will not enforce these things, then accept your reeking MIL will be in your home the rest of your/her life. Embrace it, because complaining about it does no good if you don't take actions.



Ciao,

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post #41 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Originally Posted by maddi View Post
And my husband won't make steps to kick her out or leave her with nothing just because she might cause issues, she actually has to do something offending for him to take action..
Well, here's your real problem. A husband who won't protect his wife and baby from his tyrannical mother.
Kick her out - problem solved - smoking AND person

or
I'd tell my husband SHE leaves or baby and I leave. Your choice. Grow some balls.
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post #42 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:55 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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3. Smoking stops immediately. Again, use the pregnancy. If she says she won't or doesn't, then again, she needs to move out. Her grandchild doesn't deserve you to have you swallow part of a cigarette every time she walks by you with her cloud of second hand smoke coming off her and her clothes.
If you were a smoker and your child was born with a smoking related disease, you can be sure you would be arrested and tried in court.

I think the same can be done for third parties who subject you to the same environment.
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post #43 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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That's not happening. Mother in law lives with US not the other way around. She makes $11 an hour as a CNA and honestly, thats all she can really do. Until she finds someone else to live with or we start making enough to support her in different living arrangements, we are unfortunately stuck with her.
Well, not to be mean, but if this is what you've convinced yourself of, then you have no reason to complain. Because, as other posters have alluded to, THIS is the main problem...not the crabby MIL! It's hard enough living with people you DO like...people who DO respect you and your opinions, lifestyle, habits, etc. Trying to live peaceably with someone who clearly isn't able or willing to do so is LUDICROUS!!!

Has she convinced you "That's not happening," as you state? Or did you and DH convince yourselves of this? Despite wherever that misguided deception is coming from, the fact of the matter is that if this is what everybody has resigned themselves to, then you will NEVER improve the situation.

OR! You and DH could expand your thinking where it regards his mother's living arrangements. Realize that there are MANY older people who have housemates because they can't afford a place of their own alone! Look around...they're everywhere!!! Stop getting hoodwinked by this woman and allowing her to wreak havoc on your marriage. If she won't start looking for alternate living arrangements, then start looking FOR her! TODAY! Give her a 90- or 120-day notice...or whatever you deem ample time to find other arrangements. I find it hard to believe that this son (whose wife she detests) is the only relative that she can live with. This woman is playing you guys like a $3 fiddle!!!

What about all the elderly folks out there (not necessarily relatives) who would LOVE to have a live-in to help clean, manage bills, run errands, etc.? Are there not other relatives around her age that she could live with? I mean, really? If you convince yourself that something is not possible...you're right, it's NOT. But the day you get honest with yourself and open your mind to new possibilities, things can start to change. But as things stand right now...why the heck should she even TRY to do better if you guys are happy to babysit her and put up with her disrespect?!?! I had a testy MIL too, but this stuff you're describing? HTTN! I'da LONG kicked her arse to the curb!!! Constantly denigrating me in my OWN house? I thinks NOT!!!!

OK, sorry to ramble on, but I just had to get that in there. Cause the truth as I see it is this: The baby shower issue pales in comparison to the REAL problems here!!! You're about to bring a baby into a home that's rife with animosity and tensions. Think twice about that. You're worrying about whether people will get along for an event that will last, at best, a few hours. May I respectfully encourage you to think about the more critical issue here...MIL's effect on your precious child during her foundational years.

Long story short...MIL needs to get the he*l on so you guys can grow your marriage and family in peace!!!

Just sayin'...
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post #44 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

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Low cost housing in our city (chicago) is loaded with crime and pests. Like I said before, she is an adult. We may be able to force her out if we owned a home but we rent and her name is on the lease. Legally, there's nothing we could do. She won't move by herself and we can't make her do it like a teenager. We have tried everything to make her leave and this include point blank telling her we don't want her here anymore. It just causes a fight, she gets angry, makes our lives hell and refuses to go. She certainly CAN stop smoking, apply for government aid, and move, but making her do it is the issue. In the end, she will do what she wants and we can't force her to do anything against her will.
Sorry...but I'ma have to call Bulls**t on this too! If her name is on the lease, then when the lease ends, allow her to re-sign the lease ALONE...or find some alternate live-ins that she can respect and treat like equals! Make sure you give her SEVERAL months of notice in advance, and then let the chips fall where they may.

I like what motivational speaker Les Brown says...when you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them! And that's what's happening here.

So until your DH is ready to grow a pair and you guys stop making excuses for this woman, may you be freed to live a healthy family life in peace. Until then...you make your bed, you lie in it!!!
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post #45 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

You guys are enabling her. It's going to ruin your marriage.

Invite her to the shower. Talk to both of them and tell them you want no drama.

You can't demand that she quites smoking but you can demand that she doesn't smoke in the house, since you said it is your house.

Why can't she afford an apartment? I'm sure she qualifies for some type of assistance.

You guys are making excuses for enabling her.
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