I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower - Talk About Marriage
The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

User Tag List

 54Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 13
I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and through those years my mother in law and I have not gotten along. Well, she doesn't get along with me at least. She didnt like me when we were dating and my mom didnt like my husband either. We eloped on december 12th 2013 with only my brother and sister in law as witnesses. My mom took a great liking to my husband when she found out we were married. She even apologized to me for her words and actions, admitting that she just wanted the best for me and she sees now that he is a very good man. His mother, not so much. She lived with him, not being able to afford a place on her own. So, naturally, she saw me as a threat.

I was moving in whether she liked me or not. My husband firmly explained the situation and told her that if she had any issues with me she could politely leave. She didnt of course. She would try to get along with me but eventually she would get annoyed by my way of doing things and throw a tantrum. These tantrums ranged from calling me a slob, accusing me of stealing her things and going in her room, having a fit because I put a utensil or pot in the wrong place, getting angry when i would make coffee in "her" coffee pot, actively being loud and gossiping about me on the phone, and last but not least, accusing me of being a bad wife because I wasn't cooking and cleaning for my husband like i should (something my husband asked me NOT to go out of my way for). I did basic things like dishes and cleaning the bathroom but doing husbands laundry and cooking was not something I did regularly. My husband dealt with these tantrums one at a time and after many threats to her living situation and us almost moving in with my mom, things have quieted down some. Now she only ignores me when she's angry, which is fine with me as long as she keeps to herself. She wouldn't DARE say a thing about me to my husband, thats for sure, not after everything he has threatened. Naturally, I confided in my mom through it all, we are very close so she knows everything mother in law had done and said. probably a mistake on my part. They have never met and, of course, my mom does NOT like her or have any interest in meeting her. Mother in law doesn't know this.

Fast forword to present day. I am 6 months pregnant with a baby girl and my husband and I are super excited despite the fact that she was a surprise. Mother in law is happy too believe it or not, she's been wanting a grandchild for years and her harsh view on me has softened. She definitely is more tolerant of me now than before. I have told my mom about mother in laws change in attitude but my mom still hates her. She's convinced that mother in laws presents in our house will be bad for the baby since she smokes and will probably try to raise my child her way, but I have chosen to cross that bridge when we come to it and just enjoy the peace for now.

Now, finally, on to my problem. My mom is organizing a baby shower with my step mom (my mom and dad are divorced), my grandma and my brothers wife. My mom has told me that she is willing to invite mother in law if I want. My husband thinks his mother should go, that it will be good for the grandmothers to meet. I think it will be a disaster. Mother in law, by nature, isn't exactly an enjoyable person to be around. She is negative and pessimistic about most things and is also highly opinionated. When someone doesn't share her opinion, she finds reasons to dislike that person and becomes passive aggressive and rude. Hence why she has been so difficult with me in the past.

My mother can be a joy and has many friends who enjoy her, unlike my mother in law. But like my mother in law, once she decides she doesn't like a person, she can become quite rude herself. I don't know if my mom could control herself if mother in law says something she rude or passive aggressive about me or the shower, which she very well might. And I don't trust that mother in law WON'T say anything offensive or insulting. Not only that, but if mother in law feels ignored or insulted by my mom's lack of interest in their meeting, she might take it out on me after the shower is over and the peace i've been enjoying will be ruined. My biggest fear is that she and my mom will have a confrontation AT my shower in front of everyone and I will be caught in the middle.

My mom thinks that the invite to my baby shower is just a courtesy to mother in law and doesn't expect her to be there. Little does she know, mother in law WANTS to go and has even discussed with me about the date so she can ask her work for the day off. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to meet and especially not at my baby shower. It's not like I can lie to mother in law and say i'm not having one, then she will wonder where all the gifts came from.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to make sure everyone knew the full story behind my fears. What would you do in my situation? Telling mother in law she isn't invited would totally ruin her new cool attitude towards me. But inviting her opens a new can of worms that I am not ready for. What should I do?

maddi is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:22 PM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,833
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

I think you're worrying yourself about something that may not even become an issue. You should, of course, invite your mother in law. Their problems with each other shouldn't be YOUR problem.

Maybe just say to your mom, "I'm a little nervous about you meeting my MIL at the shower. I know you have some ill feelings towards her but I would like this day to be as pleasant as possible."

BTW, how in the heck haven't they met already!?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is online now  
post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

We eloped. Having our mothers meet was kind of the last thing on our minds since neither his mother or mine had any say in our marriage. And soon after I moved in, I started telling my mom about everything my mother in law was doing and my mom sort of lost all interest in meeting her so I never bothered to worry about arranging a meeting.
maddi is offline  
 
post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:49 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,267
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

First of all before anything else happens you need to have your own place separate from either your mom or MIL

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
First of all before anything else happens you need to have your own place separate from either your mom or MIL
That's not happening. Mother in law lives with US not the other way around. She makes $11 an hour as a CNA and honestly, thats all she can really do. Until she finds someone else to live with or we start making enough to support her in different living arrangements, we are unfortunately stuck with her.
maddi is offline  
post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:06 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,271
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

The should meet before the invitations go out. If they get along, then it's probably safe to invite your MIL. If they don't get along, it will be obvious to the MIL why she's not invited. If your mom is throwing the shower, it's her decision who to invite and who to leave out.

I agree with @jb02157--you need to reconsider the living arrangements in this situation, and find another solution regarding where his mother will live. You and your husband need some privacy and some boundaries. You don't need her up in your business all the time, and it will get worse after the baby. Not to mention that having her live with you means your kid is going to be around her every day, and may well pick up a lot of her negative personality traits. You deserve to be free to raise your child the way you want without constant criticism from your MIL, and you won't be able to do that while she is living with you.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:09 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,271
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by maddi View Post
That's not happening. Mother in law lives with US not the other way around. She makes $11 an hour as a CNA and honestly, thats all she can really do. Until she finds someone else to live with or we start making enough to support her in different living arrangements, we are unfortunately stuck with her.
She's an adult. Why is she incapable of caring for and supporting herself? Does she have any other children she can live with? Any empty-nester siblings who have newly available space?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
She's an adult. Why is she incapable of caring for and supporting herself? Does she have any other children she can live with? Any empty-nester siblings who have newly available space?
No. My husband has a sister but she would never agree to have her mother live with her as they have problems of their own. She does have a boyfriend that has his own place and we have asked her to move in with him before, but she says that they have issues in their relationship that make her feel uncomfortable making the decision to live with him. She told us once that that she might move in with him in a few years if their relationship progresses but I highly doubt she has any plans of moving now. Either way, we can't afford to pay for separate living arrangements for her and we can't force her out since we are renting and her name is on the lease.
maddi is offline  
post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:29 PM
Member
 
Yeswecan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,584
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Do not take the issue of your MIL and mother not liking each other. It is not your problem. You can only do so much for grown adults. This includes how your MIL will act at the shower. It is not your problem and don't let it ruin your day.

Gosh, family can such a pain in the azz sometimes. I have had my fair share. Some of it very similar to what you are going through. I wish I could go back and say screw it not worry about it like I did.

If you are stuck with your MIL you should insist and with clarity that smoking in the home after the child is born is not welcomed for any reason. Go outside and smoke or consider quiting.

Also, smokes are not cheap. If she is making $11.00 and smoking a carton a week that adds up to about $400.00/month on this nasty habit. I'm guessing that extra money could help in find her own place.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
Yeswecan is online now  
post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Do not take the issue of your MIL and mother not liking each other. It is not your problem. You can only do so much for grown adults. This includes how your MIL will act at the shower. It is not your problem and don't let it ruin your day.

Gosh, family can such a pain in the azz sometimes. I have had my fair share. Some of it very similar to what you are going through. I wish I could go back and say screw it not worry about it like I did.

If you are stuck with your MIL you should insist and with clarity that smoking in the home after the child is born is not welcomed for any reason. Go outside and smoke or consider quiting.

Also, smokes are not cheap. If she is making $11.00 and smoking a carton a week that adds up to about $400.00/month on this nasty habit. I'm guessing that extra money could help in find her own place.
I guess you're right. There's really nothing I could do about it if they decide to act like children. And yes, we have spoken to her about smoking outside when we first announced the pregnancy and I plan to remind her again when the due date gets closer, but convincing her to quit is a losing battle. My husband already tried to fight it when she got pneumonia. She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.

maddi is offline  
post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:48 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,267
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post

Also, smokes are not cheap. If she is making $11.00 and smoking a carton a week that adds up to about $400.00/month on this nasty habit. I'm guessing that extra money could help in find her own place.
Again, if you ignore the situation of your MIL living with you it's really going to be a problem. You you start demanding that she stops smoking that that she saves the money toward finding her own place. This situation may cost your marriage if you don't deal with it. My in-laws (among other things) killed my marriage to.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:50 PM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,833
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by maddi View Post
She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.
And that's why she'll be living with you for the rest of her life. And when she gets sick, guess who is going to be taking care of her?

I second the smoking issue. She shouldn't be smoking around you now or when the baby comes. It's all done outside regardless of weather and regardless of whether anyone is home or not.

(BTW-Congrats on your soon to arrive baby!)

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is online now  
post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:55 PM
Member
 
Yeswecan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,584
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by maddi View Post
I guess you're right. There's really nothing I could do about it if they decide to act like children. And yes, we have spoken to her about smoking outside when we first announced the pregnancy and I plan to remind her again when the due date gets closer, but convincing her to quit is a losing battle. My husband already tried to fight it when she got pneumonia. She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.

Dont' guess maddi, own it. Do not accept responsibility of your MIL and moms actions or inactions. It will only drive you batty. Do not attempt to keep them happy. That is their problem. The only person you need to concentrate on is hour H. At the end of the day your H is the one that you go to bed with and wake up to. Same goes for your H. You two support each other and the rest don't amount to a hill of beans. You know why....one day parents move on. This I know. The smoke clears and the only person standing there is your spouse. I can tell you, love your family members. That is all. No were is it written you have LIKE your family members. I have not talked two of my siblings in years. We just don't get along. I love'em. Don't like'em.

Concerning the smoking....some get of age were they just don't give a rats azz about their smoking and health. Unfortunately it affects those that do care about their health.

Get the book titled, "Stop Smoking the Easy Way." Carr. Great book. My W and I stopped smoke with this book. We have been smoke free for over 5 years. If you MIL refuses to read it read out loud the chapter on what smoking does to your body. She will quit. My W did after reading that chapter. If that does not work just whack her on the head with it for being stupid.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
Yeswecan is online now  
post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:58 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,271
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Do not take the issue of your MIL and mother not liking each other. It is not your problem. You can only do so much for grown adults. This includes how your MIL will act at the shower. It is not your problem and don't let it ruin your day.

Gosh, family can such a pain in the azz sometimes. I have had my fair share. Some of it very similar to what you are going through. I wish I could go back and say screw it not worry about it like I did.

If you are stuck with your MIL you should insist and with clarity that smoking in the home after the child is born is not welcomed for any reason. Go outside and smoke or consider quiting.

Also, smokes are not cheap. If she is making $11.00 and smoking a carton a week that adds up to about $400.00/month on this nasty habit. I'm guessing that extra money could help in find her own place.
SERIOUSLY!!! For the amount of money she spends on smokes, she would have enough money for rent if she quit.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Again, if you ignore the situation of your MIL living with you it's really going to be a problem. You you start demanding that she stops smoking that that she saves the money toward finding her own place. This situation may cost your marriage if you don't deal with it. My in-laws (among other things) killed my marriage to.
I don't think you understand, we can't DEMAND anything out of this woman. She's been smoking for 40 years and she's not quitting even if she agrees to. She will buy cigarettes behind our backs so its useless to even bring up to her. And asking her to save to find her own place is a whole nother can of worms. My husband has asked her to do that before, she reluctantly agreed and then conveniently got "laid off" from her job a week later. I would rather have her be working than not because at least then she will have to leave the house, which she doesnt do when she isn't working. She also gets even crazier when she has nothing to do. She's an adult and we can't force her to do anything she doesn't want. And my husband won't make steps to kick her out or leave her with nothing just because she might cause issues, she actually has to do something offending for him to take action. All we can do is wait and work towards more money so we could eventually have a space of our own.
maddi is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My kids mother is a sociopath delta88 Going Through Divorce or Separation 14 12-05-2016 02:25 PM
Mother in-law financially dependent rossandrachel Financial Problems in Marriage 14 11-01-2016 09:56 PM
Mother in law crossing boundaries goodlife1 General Relationship Discussion 29 03-28-2016 03:36 PM
Need help: Mother in law situation goodlife1 General Relationship Discussion 9 03-24-2016 01:16 PM
WH wants to have a baby. Lost Lady Coping with Infidelity 16 12-28-2015 08:49 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome