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post #16 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Trip Away

The problem for me is that the decision to go was made without any discussion.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

Last edited by Malaise; 01-29-2017 at 09:12 AM.
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post #17 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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The problem for me is that the decision to go was made with any discussion.
Agreed. OP is cagey about gender, but this strikes me as a "man" thing to do. I know, because I'm a man.
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post #18 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Trip Away

Family always comes first. The "don't want to be controlling" was a mistake.
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post #19 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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Family always comes first. The "don't want to be controlling" was a mistake.
It always is. And we've seen where it leads.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #20 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Trip Away

I am going to approach this from a different perspective.

If your wife has always been a good loyal spouse and if you have no doubts about her character and her loyalty, then encourage her to go. Nine days [out of a lifetime] is NOTHING!

As an former Army Reserve Officer, I had been blessed with the opportunity to see parts of the world were few ever get to visit. I have immersed myself in other cultures. I was able to share in the beauty of the land and share in the misery that others live with daily.

This is a chance of a lifetime for her. It will be an adventure. An adventure that she will remember for the rest of her days.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................

I would take her to the bedroom and lock the door.

I would place one hand between her legs while I looked her in the eye. I would wear a gentle smile.

This is what I would say:

"I want you to enjoy yourself on this trip. It will be a great adventure and you will see many good things and some bad things. You will learn to appreciate this great country that we live in. This great country that we take for granted."

"While you are gone, I will miss you very much. I love you very much. What I am holding in my hand is very important to me". Squeeze that hand. "I do not want to lose this to any other man. My mind trusts you 100%, but, my heart is a fearful beast."

Kiss her long and hard on the lips, put your tongue in her mouth.

She may get insulted that you have the nerve to question her loyalty. She may lash out.

Later, and in retrospect, her mind will be comforted and she will be very pleased. She knows that her man loves her.

Careful though, jealousy cannot be displayed too often. Overuse can be viewed as controlling.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #21 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Trip Away

As @Tatsuhiko has said, you are cagey about your gender.

If this post is from a women. Nothing needs changing.

The hand between the legs, the smile, the kiss and the I love you, all still apply.

Passion has no gender restriction.

Passion needs to be shared............. appropriately, of course!

I share mine................ willingly.

@ATeacher....share yours with your SO. Spit out the bitter Pettiness. It stains the teeth and the Soul.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #22 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trip Away

Thank you all so much for your advice and replies.

I don't know specifically what the "something else" would be. Boredom? Lack of interest in family time? I'm just really angry? hurt? disappointed? that there is an evidenced preference for that experience to us. Like another poster above, I can't imagine giving up 9 days with the family unless it was with...I don't know, close friends? Some kind of training that moves the place on the salary schedule? Maybe not even those things. My spouse has been at the school for a decade with no trips and is still regarded as the top of the department, it's not like schmoozing or impressing is on the top of the dance card.

Affair is at the bottom of the list of things I'm worried about, but I guess it's possible.

Anyhow, I think most agree that it's a sign of...something - something wrong. What's my next step?

I guess I'm being cagey about gender because I'm hoping that might take some preconceived notions out of the equation...I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. I've never had any miffs about my marriage before really - not ones that have caused me to seek advice on an anonymous forum, anyway...

But thanks all - really.
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post #23 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trip Away

Oh, and the making out option is a good one. Always room for making out, even when you're angry.

I'm thinking Disneyworld might be a good getaway over spring break.
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post #24 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: Trip Away

I think your reasoning is petty. If you're upset because she didn't bounce it off you and get your thoughts that I can understand, but to make a big deal out of "family time" is a bit passive aggressive trying to lay on a guilt trip.

Personally I think you should say "wow, that sounds great, what an experience!"
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post #25 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:03 PM
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Don't you get a week off in February and then another week off in April? And then summers off all together, too?

Seems to me you have a lot of family time already....

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post #26 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:33 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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Thank you all so much for your advice and replies.

I don't know specifically what the "something else" would be. Boredom? Lack of interest in family time? I'm just really angry? hurt? disappointed? that there is an evidenced preference for that experience to us. Like another poster above, I can't imagine giving up 9 days with the family unless it was with...I don't know, close friends? Some kind of training that moves the place on the salary schedule? Maybe not even those things. My spouse has been at the school for a decade with no trips and is still regarded as the top of the department, it's not like schmoozing or impressing is on the top of the dance card.

Affair is at the bottom of the list of things I'm worried about, but I guess it's possible.

Anyhow, I think most agree that it's a sign of...something - something wrong. What's my next step?

I guess I'm being cagey about gender because I'm hoping that might take some preconceived notions out of the equation...I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. I've never had any miffs about my marriage before really - not ones that have caused me to seek advice on an anonymous forum, anyway...

But thanks all - really.
Let's look at this a bit differently. What are you going to tell your kids when they want to take a trip with the church? Attend camp? Go on a ski trip with the school? Spend the summer at grandpas farm? Go on vacation with a friends family? Become an exchange student? Would you deny them those kind of life experiences because you want them home hanging out with the family. I would hope not, so my next question is why would you want to deny your spouse or for that matter yourself a new experience? Just because we grow up doesn't mean our life has to be the same ole same ole day after day, loosen up a bit and take advantage of new experiences.

You sound either insecure or controlling or both, I would bet your spouse didn't talk to you about it because you would have said no, they would rather deal with your anger than the ongoing drama of trying to convince you to let them go. At the beginning of this thread you tried to reflect your spouse in a negative way by saying they were cheating the family by going away, they were being selfish, now your tune has shifted a bit to being upset you weren't included in the decision. I am all about family time, truly some of the best moments of my life were just hanging out as a family, but good gosh you can't smother your family and expect them to enjoy it. You nurture your spouse just like your kids, and then share in the joy of their experience.

Last edited by Cooper; 01-31-2017 at 11:03 AM.
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post #27 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: Trip Away

The trip itself wouldn't bother me. STBX and I used to travel alone regularly because we could never seem to synch up our vacation schedules.

The unilateral decision and not telling you until it was already a done deal would seriously piss me off. I hope the school is paying the way and this is not coming out of your family money without your approval?

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #28 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trip Away

I've been honest, and shifting emotions in times of stress are not uncommon for any of us I'd imagine. I am not the controlling or insecure type and the only thing I've ever said 'no' about in 15 years of marriage was a new sewing machine for my spouse. Before kids she traveled on her own, I did, too. We have friends we spend time with separately, and the worst thing she's ever said to me in regards to insecurity was that she wishes I would be a little more insecure, a little more jealous when she was spending time with other people. But that's another issue (probably one several of you can identify with). And yes, I will clearly admit that the way I've been feeling about this issue has shifted almost daily and that's probably reflected in my writing, for better or worse. I wasn't trying to lead the thread anywhere, and sympathy or rebuke from strangers is a worthless commodity to me. I am here to garner advice, receive wisdom, and respond when apt.

I've reflected a lot about this situation since I came to you all for help in understanding. I come at this the way I do because the time with the kids while they are young is precious and valuable and fleeting. There will be time enough for tours to my mind, time enough to do those things when the kids are gone, or when the kids are older and not craving time with us as much as they do now. It is difficult for me to understand how she did not see it that way, but feeling so doesn't make me insecure or controlling. As for their future experiences away, perhaps it is my weakness that if they wanted to do a similar tour without us I'd be of the strong desire to take the $3,000 we'd pay for such a thing and see what we could do as a family. Yes, my preference would be to have those experiences together rather than apart. I think it may be different when they are in high school for several reasons. But these swift years when the kids are still kids and actually want to be with us during breaks will be gone all too soon.

In any event it all came to a head last night. My spouse was driving the kids home from their activities and decided to talk to them about her being gone for Spring Break. Neither of us had talked to them much about it at all, and when she asked them if they had any questions my 10-year-old asked my wife why she "wanted to spend spring break with other people and not her." She didn't know what to say. My 6-year-old then said, "Mommy wants to do adventures with other people; Daddy wants to do adventures with us."

I didn't say anything when my wife told me that (yes, I've given up being 'cagey' - it's too much trouble trying to keep track of pronouns). Just held her. She spent a chunk of the night crying. It all came spilling out. She already feels like the kids talk to me more, like me more, have more fun with me, mind me better. Just thing after thing. And now this. We did laugh a little when the situation reminded us of a quote from Christmas Vacation: "Sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks." Wisdom from Mr. Frank Shirley...

I should have spoken my mind about it earlier to her at the outset. I take my share of blame. In an effort to continue to be... uncontrolling I kept my opinions to myself all those months ago. Now it's all just a big emotional cluster**** that now has hurt my wife and kids and the toothpaste is going to be a mess getting back into the tube.

Oh, and Cooper, I didn't say it sounded great because it *doesn't* sound great. Leading a tour of 20 students sounds like a level of Dante's hell to me.

But I think somewhere this thread got off track. It started with me wondering if the decision to change the spring break tradition after a decade was a sign of something. It's turned (admittedly with my help) into a question about the wisdom or value of the trip vs. the wisdom and value of time with the fam. It's turned into what kind of a person I am or am not, and that's not why I came to this forum or posted this thread. I'm still wondering if there's been some kind of shift in her perceptions or feelings. She says no, that at the time it just sounded like it would be good for the students. I guess I need to take that at face value and move on, though I am still wondering why the change. After all, these tours have been available since we started our teaching careers over a decade ago.

Anyhow, I guess that's that. Thanks again for your help and time. I'll try to be an active member of the community here and share what wisdom I have - which, admittedly and obviously - occasionally isn't much. But I have a thriving and successful family, and if this is the the worst issue my marriage has had to face in a decade-and-a-half I can't be totally devoid of some family/parenting chops so I'll help when I can.

Thanks
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post #29 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:13 PM
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Re: Trip Away

She says no, that at the time it just sounded like it would be good for the students

That's telling.

Nothing about you or YOUR kids. It's great that a teacher, a good teacher, cares about the students. But, your family comes first.

And, no reason for discussing it with you first? No elaborating on that?

Sounds to me from where I sit that she lacks some respect for you.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #30 of 62 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: Trip Away

I don't know about a lack of respect, but I do smell a bit of resentment over your relationship with the kids.

Watch this closely, brother. Resentment is frequently used to justify actions harmful to the marriage.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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