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post #31 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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Just sort of decided. Just "Hey, I'm going on this trip for nine days." I mean this is months ago and at the time I didn't say much because it seemed...I don't know, I didn't want to seem restrictive. And it's not an affair I'm worried about, it's just the thought that we must be screwing up pretty royally as a family if my spouse would rather spend 9 days with 20 students than the family.

I'm not worried about any of the other teachers on the vacation. Just the implication this change has for the family.
Sorry but your W should have discussed this with you. Logistics, who is watching the kids and did you have any plans already in mind. Simply stating I'm gone for 9 days you figure it out without any discussion is wrong.


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post #32 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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Oh, and the making out option is a good one. Always room for making out, even when you're angry.

I'm thinking Disneyworld might be a good getaway over spring break.
Do not do Disney unless you already have done the park with the W and kids. Disney is a special park and first timing it with the kids and no W will probably not sit well.

I can assure you if I rolled into Disney with the kids and not my W with us things would not work out well for me.

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post #33 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: Trip Away

I disagree. Take the kids to Disney. It was her choice to be unavailable.
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post #34 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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I disagree. Take the kids to Disney. It was her choice to be unavailable.
It would appear to be rubbing it in the OP W face IMO. OP could try it this way, state he is thinking of taking the kids to Disney. If this is the first time for all of them(Disney) I suspect it may get ugly with the W. Every Disney commercial is nothing but family after family after family. It may appear OP is sticking it to his W as a result of her trip sans kids and husband.

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post #35 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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I disagree. Take the kids to Disney. It was her choice to be unavailable.
And THERE it is Folks. Tit for Tat.

No tit for nine days, gits em' going Goofy, Micky Mouse!

Teachers raises our kids when we are not available. And by law, till they are what, 16 or so?

Where is the maturity that gets "passed on" to our youth, if not from home?

The Village is full of idiots. They cannot raise a child. They can raise Cain. And Cain slew an Able bodied tax payer in the Hood today.

Just sayin' and just spoutin' off.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #36 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:52 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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I have said something. The only real response is that it's too late to cancel. And I guess it is. I've thought of taking the kids on an adventure somewhere so we're not all just sitting around here for 9 days while the other half is off kayaking, rafting, hiking, etc. I don't know. It all feels like a no-win.
Why don't you plan some special outings, or a trip with your children. That way you all still have some good family adventure over the break.

If you are not worried about an affair, then I don't see a problem with a one-time trip like this for your spouse. I would however make it clear that this is a one-time thing.
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post #37 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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I am going to approach this from a different perspective.

If your wife has always been a good loyal spouse and if you have no doubts about her character and her loyalty, then encourage her to go. Nine days [out of a lifetime] is NOTHING!

As an former Army Reserve Officer, I had been blessed with the opportunity to see parts of the world were few ever get to visit. I have immersed myself in other cultures. I was able to share in the beauty of the land and share in the misery that others live with daily.

This is a chance of a lifetime for her. It will be an adventure. An adventure that she will remember for the rest of her days.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................

I would take her to the bedroom and lock the door.

I would place one hand between her legs while I looked her in the eye. I would wear a gentle smile.


This is what I would say:

"I want you to enjoy yourself on this trip. It will be a great adventure and you will see many good things and some bad things. You will learn to appreciate this great country that we live in. This great country that we take for granted."

"While you are gone, I will miss you very much. I love you very much. What I am holding in my hand is very important to me". Squeeze that hand. "I do not want to lose this to any other man. My mind trusts you 100%, but, my heart is a fearful beast."

Kiss her long and hard on the lips, put your tongue in her mouth.

She may get insulted that you have the nerve to question her loyalty. She may lash out.

Later, and in retrospect, her mind will be comforted and she will be very pleased. She knows that her man loves her.

Careful though, jealousy cannot be displayed too often. Overuse can be viewed as controlling.
I think that the underlined is a horrible idea. If someone did that to me, it would go a long way to destroy the relationship. It boils down the entire relationship to one thing.... my body part. GROSS
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post #38 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Trip Away

Not being privy to their conversations, but, from what information has been relayed, there hasn't been a true plausible reason for her making the decision on her own without his input. That just doesn't happen.

It was a fundamental lack of respect. The petty part of it isn't about going somewhere, it's about the lack of communication when coming to significant decisions within a marriage. It doesn't have to be Disney, but if he wants to go somewhere with the kids, he should just go.
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post #39 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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Thank you all so much for your advice and replies.

I don't know specifically what the "something else" would be. Boredom? Lack of interest in family time? I'm just really angry? hurt? disappointed? that there is an evidenced preference for that experience to us. Like another poster above, I can't imagine giving up 9 days with the family unless it was with...I don't know, close friends? Some kind of training that moves the place on the salary schedule? Maybe not even those things. My spouse has been at the school for a decade with no trips and is still regarded as the top of the department, it's not like schmoozing or impressing is on the top of the dance card.

Affair is at the bottom of the list of things I'm worried about, but I guess it's possible.

Anyhow, I think most agree that it's a sign of...something - something wrong. What's my next step?

I guess I'm being cagey about gender because I'm hoping that might take some preconceived notions out of the equation...I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. I've never had any miffs about my marriage before really - not ones that have caused me to seek advice on an anonymous forum, anyway...

But thanks all - really.
You need to tell your spouse what you said here about why this entire thing bothers you. The fact that your spouse made this decision unilaterally is a problem.

Does your spouse have to pay for this trip or is the school footing the bill? If he/she is using family money for this without joint agreement, it's even more of a problem.

Just to be clear, my above comment does not contradict my earlier post that a trip like this is ok.. it's ok with joint agreement.

The Policy of Joint Agreement

I wonder if maybe your marriage needs a bit of a fine tuning. There are two books that I think would help you. My suggestion is that you read them first and do the work that they suggest. Then ask your spouse to read them with you and do the work again together. Read them in this order:

"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"
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post #40 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: Trip Away

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I think that the underlined is a horrible idea. If someone did that to me, it would go a long way to destroy the relationship. It boils down the entire relationship to one thing.... my body part. GROSS
Fair enough!

If a man did this [only once] in their marriage, then I could understand your reaction. You need to sneak up on a good women. Patience is virtue.

It is soooo hard for me to get a rise out of some as you. Initially, not so much. Once my Avatar fleshed out, you have remained.....untouchable. Mute works too. I realize that you have been on TAM a long time and have Pet Topics that you like to monitor and comment on.

I stick my wet nose and comments where ever I can get some heartbeats to speed up. Higher PBM as a result of my rubbing some virtual funny bones [preferred] or getting a few riled up enough to rail back at moi. Some view me as what....wacky. Big mistake.

I am losing ground on TAM. Reason: I am not allowed to put climbing spikes on my Dr. Martins!

Women often complain that men are not good communicators. If air passing over male vocal chords is the criteria for good communication, I agree with that anode charge. Some men {myself} express our selves [to include love] on the physical plane. Oh, only at ground level, not a mile high. The air is too thin up there.

Seriously, passion needs to come back to mature marriages. With this in mind, I give it my 480 Volts, 3-phase, worth. Men have become such wimpy azzes.

Why does this life [and marriage] need to be so bland.

An admission.........mine is bland, too. I am working on this. Like the hamster in the exercise wheel.

Admission 2.......Age is my new High Wall, a new Border Wall; to dig under, climb over or drive a Deuce and a Half through.

Time is not [now] on/at my side. It is now a ferocious headwind. From my end, this Wayward Wind will lose....until it doesn't.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #41 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Trip Away

If my wife did this, I would wish her luck and truly hope she has a good time. At the same time, I would make sure my kids and I had a good time with some daddy-daughter time. I don't care for Disney World, but a week at the beach? Heck yeah! Beach, putt-putt, museums, fishing... We'd have a blast. Or a trip to the mountains? That's fun too! Either way, we would have a great time! It's a perfect time for more bonding with the kids.

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post #42 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trip Away

I went with Disney (I can hear half of you cheering and half of you thinking I've just made a bad situation into a worse one). That's where we'll go while my wife is out of the country. The kids and I considered several options, and this was the one that worked financially, time-wise, and offered the strongest funfactor (we live in a pretty outdoorsey state, so many of the outdoor things mentioned above are pretty routine for the kids). I don't know if that makes me petty, wise, vindictive, good dad, whatever. We're going to have a good time.

Of course the wife is a bit miffed, but she realizes and acknowledges that she chose to be away doing something out of the ordinary and so we can chose to do something, too. She says that after this break is over we'll restart. Better communication, better family planning, better enjoying time with the kids while they're kids on her part and work on making sure the kids feel like both of their parents equally love them and want to be around them equally - whether that's true or not (if that sounds passive aggressive, it is. My apologies).

And now I'm miffed. While she acknowledges that we can do something she is sour about it. She had no trouble with being away for 8 days until talk started up that the kids and I were going to do something besides just sit at home. I mean she had one night of crying when the kids said that they felt ditched by her, but that was it until I made it clear that I wasn't going to spend all of spring break at home. Then she's all kinds of morose and melancholy with bouts of angrysad. Even before the discussion got to Disney she was agitated that I was going to plan something special with them, and that drives me crazy - what makes it okay for her to plan an 8-day getaway from the family with 20 kids that aren't ours and not okay for me to take our own kids on our own adventure in the meantime? Grr. It's like as long as she's out doing something over break and we're not, everything's cool. If I'm out with the kids while she's out doing other things it's somehow not okay.

I'm trying to make sure my motives are pure. I do believe Disney is objectively the best option, though I agree with several of you who have said that it at least could *appear* that I'm trying to stick it to her, punish her or whatever by going to Disney. I guess my bad angel hopes that's the result and this sort of thing never comes up again while the good angel hopes she just sees it for what it is, an attempt to have the best time possible with the kids during Spring Break. The realist in me acknowledges that both are probably part of the equation. Man, I wish I could just be 100% sure I'm 100% purely motivated 100% of the time. That'd be cool.

So. Not great, but there it is. The thing that bothers me the most, though, remains the fact that I still wish I knew why the change. Why this year to choose to be away from me and the kids? Why now? She says she doesn't know. Almost any answer is better than that. I can work on the marriage with answers. I can't work on "I don't know". You know, she was even in a minor car wreck in the summer that has tweaked her back. This was a couple of months after the trip plans were initiated, but before the point of no return date. Since then she can't muster the fortitude to play outside with the kids for any amount of time, yet she's going to spearhead a 6-day hiking/rafting effort in the jungle? Just thought of that...

~le sigh~
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post #43 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Trip Away

I think you did the right thing. You figured out a way to maximize the kids' happiness in the absence of their complete family (something you had no control over). That's what a good dad does.

What kind of mother wants her children to be sitting at home during break, less fulfilled, while she herself is off doing the thing that apparently gives her the greatest fulfillment? She needs to look inside herself and ask why her children are closer to their father. Is she jealous of them or does she somehow purposely withhold things that might make them happier, including quality time?

My children are tighter with their mother, but I'm a very close second. And it's not for lack of trying on my part--it's just that special magic that mothers have for bonding with young children. I feel like that's the way it's supposed to be.

Enjoy your trip.
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post #44 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: Trip Away

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If my wife did this, I would wish her luck and truly hope she has a good time. At the same time, I would make sure my kids and I had a good time with some daddy-daughter time. I don't care for Disney World, but a week at the beach? Heck yeah! Beach, putt-putt, museums, fishing... We'd have a blast. Or a trip to the mountains? That's fun too! Either way, we would have a great time! It's a perfect time for more bonding with the kids.

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Yes!

Thank you!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #45 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 04:43 PM
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Re: Trip Away

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I went with Disney (I can hear half of you cheering and half of you thinking I've just made a bad situation into a worse one). That's where we'll go while my wife is out of the country. The kids and I considered several options, and this was the one that worked financially, time-wise, and offered the strongest funfactor (we live in a pretty outdoorsey state, so many of the outdoor things mentioned above are pretty routine for the kids). I don't know if that makes me petty, wise, vindictive, good dad, whatever. We're going to have a good time.

Of course the wife is a bit miffed, but she realizes and acknowledges that she chose to be away doing something out of the ordinary and so we can chose to do something, too. She says that after this break is over we'll restart. Better communication, better family planning, better enjoying time with the kids while they're kids on her part and work on making sure the kids feel like both of their parents equally love them and want to be around them equally - whether that's true or not (if that sounds passive aggressive, it is. My apologies).

And now I'm miffed. While she acknowledges that we can do something she is sour about it. She had no trouble with being away for 8 days until talk started up that the kids and I were going to do something besides just sit at home. I mean she had one night of crying when the kids said that they felt ditched by her, but that was it until I made it clear that I wasn't going to spend all of spring break at home. Then she's all kinds of morose and melancholy with bouts of angrysad. Even before the discussion got to Disney she was agitated that I was going to plan something special with them, and that drives me crazy - what makes it okay for her to plan an 8-day getaway from the family with 20 kids that aren't ours and not okay for me to take our own kids on our own adventure in the meantime? Grr. It's like as long as she's out doing something over break and we're not, everything's cool. If I'm out with the kids while she's out doing other things it's somehow not okay.

I'm trying to make sure my motives are pure. I do believe Disney is objectively the best option, though I agree with several of you who have said that it at least could *appear* that I'm trying to stick it to her, punish her or whatever by going to Disney. I guess my bad angel hopes that's the result and this sort of thing never comes up again while the good angel hopes she just sees it for what it is, an attempt to have the best time possible with the kids during Spring Break. The realist in me acknowledges that both are probably part of the equation. Man, I wish I could just be 100% sure I'm 100% purely motivated 100% of the time. That'd be cool.

So. Not great, but there it is. The thing that bothers me the most, though, remains the fact that I still wish I knew why the change. Why this year to choose to be away from me and the kids? Why now? She says she doesn't know. Almost any answer is better than that. I can work on the marriage with answers. I can't work on "I don't know". You know, she was even in a minor car wreck in the summer that has tweaked her back. This was a couple of months after the trip plans were initiated, but before the point of no return date. Since then she can't muster the fortitude to play outside with the kids for any amount of time, yet she's going to spearhead a 6-day hiking/rafting effort in the jungle? Just thought of that...

~le sigh~
I understand your delimma! But, in the end, just explain to her that this is all about the kids having fun. You wish she could be there, but she will be having her own fun too. Then, stop worrying over it so much and have a blast. Take lots of pictures.

I can only guess how bad the lines will be at DW during spring break, but you'll still have a blast! Most importantly, go into this as a fun experience and be laid back about it.

Your wife can really only blame herself for missing this, but don't rub it in. Seriously, sometimes people screw up. It's part of being human.

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