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post #46 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Trip Away

Many teachers go on educational trips with their pupils. Its not like she is going away for a holiday with her mates.
You and the children get masses of holidays with her, far far more than most families, and your child saying they feel 'abandoned' and the way you are acting is a massive over reaction. I also think that you going to disney world could have waited a few weeks till the next time you are all off together. I do think you are doing it out of anger and to get at her.
Are you really that worried about having to look after them at home for a week on your own? People do it all the time. Its not that bad, really. There are so many things you can do, play games, go cycling, see a film, read, go to the park, go bowling, etc etc.

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post #47 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Trip Away

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So. Not great, but there it is. The thing that bothers me the most, though, remains the fact that I still wish I knew why the change. Why this year to choose to be away from me and the kids? Why now? She says she doesn't know. Almost any answer is better than that. I can work on the marriage with answers. I can't work on "I don't know". You know, she was even in a minor car wreck in the summer that has tweaked her back. This was a couple of months after the trip plans were initiated, but before the point of no return date. Since then she can't muster the fortitude to play outside with the kids for any amount of time, yet she's going to spearhead a 6-day hiking/rafting effort in the jungle? Just thought of that...

~le sigh~
This adds to the question of the unilateral decision by her .

She must really want to go.

Who else is going ?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


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post #48 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trip Away

It's 20 students and four teachers including her. Another woman she's not close to and two males from her department she's also not particularly close to. I've got 98% confidence that this doesn't have anything to do with an affair or the desire for stimulating male companionship. There's a part of me that wishes it did have to do with that - at least then I'd have some kind of answer and point from which to work. Stupid wish, I know.

And we do have more time off than others, no doubt. I guess the difference between the two of us (well, one of many, I guess) is that I want the memories, the time, the effort *with the kids* as much as possible for as long as we have them. Tours will always be there, literally decades of them after the kids leave home. The kids will be at this age and stage for only a few more years, and it's going fast. So yes, other teachers do go on these trips. I think it's a mistake, though, for those with kids at this age. As for the kids over-reacting, I think they were just expressing how they felt. Others are expressing the same kind of thing. My wife and I were at a party this past weekend and a friend of ours who knows about the jungle trip was chatting with us. "So, what are you doing while she ditches the family?" she said to me. Our friend laughed and said she was joking. I laughed. My wife didn't laugh.

Am I trying to hurt her? I've already said that I don't think that's my motivation, but that I'd be lacking a certain amount of introspection if I discounted that that may well be at least a portion of the equation. Not proud of it, but I believe in candor here. My halo's a little crooked.

As for waiting for her or being worried about filling time, I'm looking to provide my kids (and yeah, myself as well) with as exciting, memorable, awesome, and special time as possible in a kind of equivalence for all of us. Doing more of what we routinely do (games, movies, hiking, etc.) doesn't fill that bill.

I appreciate all the comments, both those that support me and those that challenge me. For some reason this is tough for me and being able to talk about it helps. I have a close group of friends I talk to, but there's something freeing about this kind of venue, so thanks.
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post #49 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: Trip Away

I think you need something more lasting as a reminder of her transgression. Something red. It will be about 4x the cost of the disney vacay, but will last much much longer and be much much more fun for you. Especially if you are a minivan dad (ick!)
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post #50 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:31 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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I think you need something more lasting as a reminder of her transgression. Something red. It will be about 2x the cost of the disney vacay, but will last much much longer and be much much more fun for you. Especially if you are a minivan dad (ick!)
Live as you want to live, but leave my minivan out of it!

I quite like my 2014 Honda Odyssey. Talk about a nice ride! Of course, my main ride is my Tundra, but man that minivan is sweet!

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post #51 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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Live as you want to live, but leave my minivan out of it!

I quite like my 2014 Honda Odyssey. Talk about a nice ride! Of course, my main ride is my Tundra, but man that minivan is sweet!

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Geez...a familyroom on wheels.

When she gets all weird, you need some wind therapy. My fav Honda, my 88 Super Magna
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post #52 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trip Away

23cm, you have a good point. What's the saying? Midlife for men yields either a sports car, an affair, or a motorcycle?

I like the car
Or
I guess I could hire a 19-year-old au pair to come with us on the trip...
Or
Nah, I'm not really the motorcycle type...

Although the phrase "wind therapy" makes me reconsider...
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post #53 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Trip Away

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Geez...a familyroom on wheels.

When she gets all weird, you need some wind therapy. My fav Honda, my 88 Super Magna
Wind therapy? The windows on my truck work just fine, thanks! I've seen too many people scraped off the pavement for me to want a motorcycle. Now, give me a new 4x4 truck and I'll be happy.

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post #54 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Trip Away

Wind therapy also exists in a Wrangler with the top off.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

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post #55 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Trip Away

Hey Teach...

I was flip, and it was intentional and I'm glad you weren't offended by the semi-thread jack.

Now let me be serious.

I am married to a very independent woman. We married late in life and it was the second for both of us. She had years as a single woman to get used to making decisions for herself. She's a technical professional in an esoteric field where she's literally "The Expert." She's a private pilot and used to making split second life decisions. I've had a pillow made for her with her favorite quote. It's by Amelia Earhart who when asked by a newspaper reporter why she wanted to fly around the world, responded: "I want to do it because I want to do it."

Yet, not even she would think of doing what your wife did without discussing it with me ahead of time. And, I'm just one person with no kiddos involved. Yes, all people are different and sometimes there are brain farts that cause people to make uncharacteristic decisions.

But; even with that said, your wife's behavior is very troubling. She makes significant life arrangements without consulting with you, informs you after the fact, and expects you to be okay the massive disrespect her actions present. Then, she gets all pissy when you accept what she's done and plan something fun FOR THE ENTIRE REMAINING FAMILY while she's gone. And, she's miffed when other people point out her abandonment.

My exbrother-in-law is a teacher, the go-to guy who liked camping and outward bound stuff. Although "just" a sixth grade teacher, he was the manly man on these trips and he consummated at least three affairs on his school-related excursions. We found out the seductions began during planning sessions as he was the alpha expert...schmoozing and the odd touching during map reading and equipment packing sessions ("here...let me show you how to do that.") Things would then get serious on the trip itself when he was in a control/power position. He picked married women because he was pretty sure the likelihood of them telling or bonding was less.

What do you know about the others going on the trip?

Good luck brother.

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post #56 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Trip Away

It seems there is a lot of concern about why your wife chose this trip and the possibility of an affair. It has come up several times now. Perhaps you should consider this possibility a little more. I don't believe it's a given, but I'd certainly think a little more about it.

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post #57 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: Trip Away

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trips such as this should always carry joint approval, or it's basically a "no-go!" at your children's age, their care and concern is far more important than an educational junket off in some faraway country, even if it is for educational purposes!

Due to the lateness of being next to impossible to cancel, i'd agree with letting her go on this trip as long as she gave me the names of all of the others who was signed up for this trip, but she needs to know in no uncertain terms that if there is another similar trip like this ever planned in the future, that it will either be an inclusive family trip, or a husband/wife trip!

The welfare and joint care of your children trumps all here!
this!!!
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post #58 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: Trip Away

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It's 20 students and four teachers including her. Another woman she's not close to and two males from her department she's also not particularly close to. I've got 98% confidence that this doesn't have anything to do with an affair or the desire for stimulating male companionship. There's a part of me that wishes it did have to do with that - at least then I'd have some kind of answer and point from which to work. Stupid wish, I know.

And we do have more time off than others, no doubt. I guess the difference between the two of us (well, one of many, I guess) is that I want the memories, the time, the effort *with the kids* as much as possible for as long as we have them. Tours will always be there, literally decades of them after the kids leave home. The kids will be at this age and stage for only a few more years, and it's going fast. So yes, other teachers do go on these trips. I think it's a mistake, though, for those with kids at this age. As for the kids over-reacting, I think they were just expressing how they felt. Others are expressing the same kind of thing. My wife and I were at a party this past weekend and a friend of ours who knows about the jungle trip was chatting with us. "So, what are you doing while she ditches the family?" she said to me. Our friend laughed and said she was joking. I laughed. My wife didn't laugh.



Small point about the first : I've seen here many in an affair claim to not know the eventual affair partners well, or at all, or find them attractive.

Second ; It does sound to me, and perhaps others as well, that the way she handled this is ' ditching ' the family.

And you're right about the kids growing so fast. The memories from WDW at their ages now are so much more poignant than when they become teenagers. BTDT with my nieces and nephew.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #59 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trip Away

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Hey Teach...

...

What do you know about the others going on the trip?

Good luck brother.
I know both of the guys. One's a veteran who's been here as long as we have; the other was new last year. I've spent time with both of them, both with the W and without her. Nothing's ever seemed strange or put my antenna up about either (until recently - more below). Both of them come up in conversation once in a while, but not frequently, just a mention of them doing something at work for the department or such, and not any more or less than any of our other coworkers. She has the contact info of one of them (the older) on her cell, but the call log indicates no calls and the text history only relates to getting coverage for classes that she's going to miss since he's got a room close to her. She has the numbers of most of her department on her cell. I have most of the numbers for my department, too, so nothing out of the ordinary there.

The only weirdness has been that a couple of times the older of the two hasn't greeted me in the halls. He used to. We're not friends, but we give a bro nod or a Hi or whatever. Last couple of times I've seen him he just turns without acknowledgement. Odd, but not damning. Heck, I would have thought it was a little odd even before this thread, but that's all in our lives that could be construed as anything out of the ordinary - at least with regard to any guys I'm aware of.

So, thanks again all for giving me a place to talk and be talked to. I'll keep my eyes out with a little more "trust but verify" than before and continue to talk with her about her core reasons for the decision and the timing.
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post #60 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Trip Away

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I know both of the guys. One's a veteran who's been here as long as we have; the other was new last year. I've spent time with both of them, both with the W and without her. Nothing's ever seemed strange or put my antenna up about either (until recently - more below). Both of them come up in conversation once in a while, but not frequently, just a mention of them doing something at work for the department or such, and not any more or less than any of our other coworkers. She has the contact info of one of them (the older) on her cell, but the call log indicates no calls and the text history only relates to getting coverage for classes that she's going to miss since he's got a room close to her. She has the numbers of most of her department on her cell. I have most of the numbers for my department, too, so nothing out of the ordinary there.

The only weirdness has been that a couple of times the older of the two hasn't greeted me in the halls. He used to. We're not friends, but we give a bro nod or a Hi or whatever. Last couple of times I've seen him he just turns without acknowledgement. Odd, but not damning. Heck, I would have thought it was a little odd even before this thread, but that's all in our lives that could be construed as anything out of the ordinary - at least with regard to any guys I'm aware of.

So, thanks again all for giving me a place to talk and be talked to. I'll keep my eyes out with a little more "trust but verify" than before and continue to talk with her about her core reasons for the decision and the timing.
I'm not saying anything is going on, in fact it probably isn't, but it's often the one you never expect that you find out is the OM.

This likely isn't an affair, just some basic selfishness. Go have at DW and make sure to take lots of pics so you can send them to your wife if she has cell service there. If not, show them to her when she gets home.

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