You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm??? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Perhaps I should add to this story that SS got into some trouble in our hometown and had some little wanna-be gang bangers after him. Maybe DH and XW feel better with him being on campus because they know where he is and assume he's safe.

Still smells like BS to me. What if the girlfriend was their/our daughter? Would we sit back and sanction her moving her boyfriend into her dorm? He*l no!!! And neither do I think it's this chick's responsibility to babysit SS. He has several relatives in other states that would gladly take him in if they don't feel he's safe at home!!!

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Too many of today's kids suffering from LAPS!!! (Lazy-Arsed Parenting Syndrome!!!)
As a stepmother to two kids who were a handful (they are in their late 20's now), I'm going to give you some advice. Stop letting this kid's antics get to you. Just divorce yourself from him. He has a mother and father. Instead go do stuff that makes you feel better about yourself and your life.


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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 06:06 PM
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While I wouldn't necessarily "divorce" my SS, it would be healthiest IMO if he was cut off from ALL financial assistance (phone, car, old school bills, health care, everything) if he's choosing an independent path. That doesnt mean no friendly chats and visits, it just means he wants to be independent from you (though all you adults know it won't help him in the long run)-- so let him feel what full independence feels like.

You're the Smom though, so unfortunately you probably won't be listened to even if you are the only one making solid objective decisions. Whenever you feel anxious about him, pray and remember all the good things about you're relationship with him. Eventually he's going to grow up a bit and he's going to need encouragement and friendliness, not distance and resentment. Good luck!
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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As a stepmother to two kids who were a handful (they are in their late 20's now), I'm going to give you some advice. Stop letting this kid's antics get to you. Just divorce yourself from him. He has a mother and father. Instead go do stuff that makes you feel better about yourself and your life.
YES!!!!!

Being a step-parent I have been told is hard, especially if the boy's father, mother, and girlfriend are all "enabling" bad behavior.

The wanna be gang-bangers could be a "big deal." You really don't want him to move back home get shot or end up in jail and have his mother and father blame you rather than him.

The OP should let her feelings be known and then move on.
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:40 PM
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Not to be a stickler, but if it's a state school I would be a little ticked to realize my taxes were subsidizing non-students in dorms. Am I way off on this?
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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 01:53 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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While I wouldn't necessarily "divorce" my SS, it would be healthiest IMO if he was cut off from ALL financial assistance (phone, car, old school bills, health care, everything) if he's choosing an independent path. That doesnt mean no friendly chats and visits, it just means he wants to be independent from you (though all you adults know it won't help him in the long run)-- so let him feel what full independence feels like.

You're the Smom though, so unfortunately you probably won't be listened to even if you are the only one making solid objective decisions. Whenever you feel anxious about him, pray and remember all the good things about you're relationship with him. Eventually he's going to grow up a bit and he's going to need encouragement and friendliness, not distance and resentment. Good luck!
Ok, "divorce" might not have been the right word. My point is to emotionally pull back so that the OP does not get emotionally involved in the drama. She apparently has little to no say is what goes on with her stepson, so let it go.

I realize that there will with issues with her husband, like how much marital income/assets go to this kid. But other than the things she actually does have a say in, just let it go.

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post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Ha! You'd think! Turns out that the housing department is quite aware of it...and have done absolutely NOTHING to stop them or send him home. So yeh, it disgusts me that the schools's standards are no better than these lovebirds of ours. SMDH...

Oh! And yes, this chick has at least one roommate. As I conveyed to DH and SS's mom...I'm not sure if I'm stuck in a time warp, but I wish to he*l one of my roommates would've tried moving a boyfriend in when I was in college. None of us would've tolerated that from any of the others.
I find it hard to believe the school would allow this. Nothing prevents other from letting anyone living in a dorm that is not student.

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post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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I find it hard to believe the school would allow this. Nothing prevents other from letting anyone living in a dorm that is not student.
Yeah, my undergrad was hard-core about this, and if they caught wind that a non-student was living in the dorms, that student would have hell to pay.

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post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Yeah, my undergrad was hard-core about this, and if they caught wind that a non-student was living in the dorms, that student would have hell to pay.
Maybe we are just not up with the times and flop housing on campus?

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post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Maybe we are just not up with the times and flop housing on campus?
Well, I work at a university... I'm certain that this is against the housing/dormitory rules/policies at my university. They're a little more lax with the undergrad apartments (which are upperclassmen only).

Granted, I work in a graduate division now, but I used to work in student affairs at the undergrad campus.

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post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Well, I work at a university... I'm certain that this is against the housing/dormitory rules/policies at my university. They're a little more lax with the undergrad apartments (which are upperclassmen only).

Granted, I work in a graduate division now, but I used to work in student affairs at the undergrad campus.
I guess on could get away with it if an RA is not alert to it and a roommate does not care.


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post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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I guess on could get away with it if an RA is not alert to it and a roommate does not care.
One could, yes. At my university (both where I attended, and where I work now), everyone entering the dorm must swipe their student ID to gain access. It would be pretty difficult for someone who isn't student to "live" in the dorms (or the apartments, for that matter). Security would notice if one person was always being let it by a student, but never swiping in himself.

Mine is also an urban school, so they are very concerned and vigilant regarding interlopers and people who aren't members of the community.

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post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Is anyone being harmed by the situation? Is there a roommate?
Not yet.

The harm comes when the kindly star-struck young lady can no longer button her jeans, button her blouse.

The harm comes when looking down she cannot see her feet.

The harm comes when she cannot sleep on her stomach.

The harm comes when she cannot sleep. Someone is kicking her....from the inside.

The harm comes when she has two mouths to feed. One, a very small mouth and two, a mouth with a mustache above it.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

I would have tried to put a stop to this. His "habits" definitely were at least part of the cause to his flunking out. Why your DH, his mom and her mom would allow him to shack up in her room with her is beyond me. The colleges I attended had strict policies that would not allow anyone not attending to stay in the dorms unless they were married. Even then, you could only do this is select dorms not all of them. These two are headed for real trouble and their parents don't seem to care. It's really unfortunate that they don't see this as a problem.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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EXACTLY! This is what pisses me off the worse. Here I am, the lonely stepparent (who, by the way, has fought harder over the years for his educational success than his parents have), and the adults in this equation are baffling me. SS can be kinda sassy to his mom, but he knows better than to buck at DH. My DH is the only person who could probably roll up to campus and tell him to go get his clothes, and get his arse in the car...and SS would do it. But nooooo...DH's take on this is that "it'll blow over...them playing house."

In my mind, I'm like the f**k it will! WHAT? WHEN? Like after they get careless, she's knocked up and they look up in 4-5 years and have 2 or 3 kids they don't want and can't afford? And neither of them have degrees cause they're both stuck working 2-3 minimum wage jobs to support said kids?

UGH!!!!
They will be sorry they did this when it's too late to do anything about it.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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When my BIL flunked out his freshman or sophomore year from partying too much, his mom made him move back home and enroll in community college, and she watched him like a HAWK. She was on him every day, made him get a job, gave him a curfew. He straightened up, got his sh!t together, and re-enrolled as a full-time student a year or two later, and was on the dean's list every semester after that. His mom will do anything for her sons and she loves them with every ounce of her being, but she has no problem laying down the law if they **** up. Oy, if he ever cheated on my sister or did some stupid thing like that, his mom would be the first one on his case, grabbing his by the ear and asking him, "What the hell were you thinking?!?"

While at 18+, a person is technically and legally an adult. But don't underestimate the emotional power and influence a parent may have over their just-barely-adult child.
This same exact thing happened to my daughter's friend. He went wild his first semester of freshman year, (ended up in the hospital from drinking too much), and his parents made him come home. A shame because he was going to a really good school. They made him enroll in the local community college and get a job. He straightened out and just recently transferred to another university to finish out his degree.

Getting back to the OP. While I understand that they are adults, if I'm paying for my kid's schooling then I get to have a say in how it's spent and I'm not paying for the deadbeat boyfriend's crash pad.

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-15-2017 at 02:36 AM.
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