I would have tried to put a stop to this. His "habits" definitely were at least part of the cause to his flunking out. Why your DH, his mom and her mom would allow him to shack up in her room with her is beyond me. The colleges I attended had strict policies that would not allow anyone not attending to stay in the dorms unless they were married. Even then, you could only do this is select dorms not all of them. These two are headed for real trouble and their parents don't seem to care. It's really unfortunate that they don't see this as a problem.
First, let me say THANKS again to all who took the time to read my rant...and subsequently comment on it. I truly appreciate all the feedback. I've been MIA a few days because the SHTF! There was another twist to this whole thing, that I didn't add because I wanted to get feedback on one piece at a time.
But jb here hit the nail on the head. And here's the update: I actually DID try to do something to stop this! I mean, I was so incredibly disgusted as I've spent years trying to stomach the results of their permissive parenting/guilt parenting. Even before I came here on TAM to vent, I sent an anonymous email to the housing staff and tipped them off to the fact that this girl was allowing her flunked-out boyfriend to camp out in the dorms. The email was from the perspective of a disgruntled student living in the same building.
I know. Not the brightest way to handle it. Especially since I used a not-so-flattering term to describe SS's mom. The night I sent the email, I was pissed off to the highest of pisstivity! Why? Because I suspected that the real reason why his mom drove him back to campus was so that SHE and her boyfriend wouldn't have to be bothered with him! DH and I were in the middle of moving, and SS would've had no choice but to live with them...at least for a while. I'd put in 7 or 8 years of quasi mothering (DH had primary custody), and OK, I admit it...I really didn't want to be bothered either. Not because he's a bad kid...but because he's a sneaky little liar and doesn't want to live by any rules. As I'd told DH...I don't care if he stays out all night on campus...he's absolutely NOT gonna be floating into our house at 3 and 4 a.m. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned, but I find that disrespectful. And too, after he brought all his things home from campus, it was all smoky. (He had taken up smoking pot.) So yeh, definitely a young man who needs his own place.
Anyway, back to the housing folks. So yeh, I hoped that they'd take the intel about SS's girlfriend and force said moocher-student out of the dorms.
You wanna know what they did with the info? They actually TOLD SS and his girlfriend what was said!!! Maybe they even forwarded them the email, or printed it out for them to read. How do I know? Well, long story short, DH and I traveled to campus to try to help SS get out of trouble in an unrelated situation (see mention of gangbangers above). During that visit, SS and DH were talking. DH was trying to talk some sense into him and tell him to get is ISHT together. SS got on the subject of how he can't trust anyone...including a particular cousin (also matriculating at this school) with whom he's been beefing for the last year or more. He told his dad (I was sitting right there) that someone had sent an email to housing and he felt like his cousin was behind it. (His wording led me to believe that he'd read this anonymous email with his own eyes.) He referred to the cousin as a "snake"...and, of course, I immediately felt rotten.
I might would've let it go and let them believe whatever, but this cousin is a good kid. His dad (DH's 1st cousin) had been instrumental in helping SS get out of the aim and focus of the gangbangers I mentioned. So I knew right off the bat that I'd have to find a way to confess. Let them know I was the mole...and that this cousin was not out to hurt SS like he presumed.
I had already confessed the whole thing to DH a few weeks ago. I told him why I did it...not to hurt SS but to actually help him. The GF was/is crippling him, and I was desperate for anything that would force him out from under her. (BTW, I never mentioned that this GF has pulled a knife on SS once and we've gotten reports that she hits him too.) When SS started smoking weed, GF made it her business to go report this to SS's mom.
So last week, I sent a long confession email to DH, SS's mom (via email) and to GF's mom (via FB inbox msg). It was a link to a Google doc...one that I knew I wouldn't "share" for long. I removed the capability to download or print and only left it up for a couple of days.
GF's mom was not happy! She called DH the next day...whining about me jeopardizing her daughter's education...how her daughter was "not crippling" SS. She sent me a "we need to talk" response via FB, and I happily gave her my phone number. She called, and I missed her. I called back and she didn't answer. I haven't called again since, so we still have yet to "discuss." But DH gave me the rundown on what she said to him, so I pretty much know where she stands.
I started to send SS and GF the same message, but I elected not to. It was really more of a tone and verbiage for adults and adult reasoning. Rather, I inbox'ed the two of them a different confession and apology on FB. SS was livid! He responded saying how dirty that was...and that the two of them got "fined" for him living with her. (Whoopdie-Doo! WTF good did it do for the college to fine them but he's still staying there?!?!) He said he was done with me and blocked me on FB. Basically cursed me out...talking about he never wanted or needed me in his life...how I'd never done sh*t for him...how he didn't see what his dad saw in me, blah, blah, blah...
I haven't heard from SS's mom...though she probably inboxed me to. Haven't checked. After dealing with GF's mom and SS's messages, I'd had enough.
Anyway, DH and I had a good conversation about it all. I asked him if I should've left well enough alone. He definitely felt like I should not have confessed to exposing them to housing. But he wasn't mad. He continues to believe that SS will eventually get himself together.
Like I said to the adults in the picture here...whatever fine they were assessed was nothing compared to the REAL COST of all these stupid decisions SS has been making lately.
Still, as someone here suggested in their post, I really need to stop back and disengage from SS's antics. If they don't care about how he ends up, why should I?
Problem is, I do care. Too much. And even after all this, I've backed off...but I don't know how to stop caring about what happens to him.
In the end, I guess I'm the evil stepmother in their eyes.
I shall write a book one day. "Stepparenting b.k.a. Taxation Without Representation!"