You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm??? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Not yet.

The harm comes when the kindly star-struck young lady can no longer button her jeans, button her blouse.

The harm comes when looking down she cannot see her feet.

The harm comes when she cannot sleep on her stomach.

The harm comes when she cannot sleep. Someone is kicking her....from the inside.

The harm comes when she has two mouths to feed. One, a very small mouth and two, a mouth with a mustache above it.
EXACTLY!!! My sentiments exactly, SunCMars. And you would think that 2 people who made that very mistake would go OVERBOARD to ensure that their son was encouraged to do better. DH knocked up his then-girlfriend when she was 19 and he was in his early 20's. DH's mother (God rest her soul) allowed DH's then-girlfriend to come and live in MIL's home. Said girlfriend was often on bad terms with her own mother, so I guess DH's mom felt sorry for her. Sooooooo...she let her move in. And then, SS was their "oops!" DH did the 'right thing' and married her, only to soon find out that she wasn't marriage material. Other phallus appendages from the community were being allowed into the same slippery alcove that DH had assumed were for his exclusive enjoyment. NOT!!!

Long story short, she went on to have 2 more children by men she wasn't married to. (She married and divorced baby daddy #2, but baby daddy #3 was obviously a one-night stand...when she was well into her 30's and had had time to wake up.) AND! She's currently shacking up with another man...who isn't ANY of the children's daddy. So when I hear her complain that SS is throwing his life away...and how he's got all the opportunities in the world...and how she would've done so much better in life if she hadn't been knocked up at 19 with SS...

...the violin strings start playing in my head. And inside I say, 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.' And I wonder why SHE can't see that!!!!

SMDH...

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post #32 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:01 PM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
I guess on could get away with it if an RA is not alert to it and a roommate does not care.
Or the RA is in it as well. This is exactly what happened in my dorm back then. A guy who was my TA broke his leg playing soccer, no insurance, so his girlfriend moved in the men's dorm for a month or two to take care of him. The RA was best buddy with the soccer guy, same country...

As for the question, no freaking way.
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post #33 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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I would have tried to put a stop to this. His "habits" definitely were at least part of the cause to his flunking out. Why your DH, his mom and her mom would allow him to shack up in her room with her is beyond me. The colleges I attended had strict policies that would not allow anyone not attending to stay in the dorms unless they were married. Even then, you could only do this is select dorms not all of them. These two are headed for real trouble and their parents don't seem to care. It's really unfortunate that they don't see this as a problem.
First, let me say THANKS again to all who took the time to read my rant...and subsequently comment on it. I truly appreciate all the feedback. I've been MIA a few days because the SHTF! There was another twist to this whole thing, that I didn't add because I wanted to get feedback on one piece at a time.

But jb here hit the nail on the head. And here's the update: I actually DID try to do something to stop this! I mean, I was so incredibly disgusted as I've spent years trying to stomach the results of their permissive parenting/guilt parenting. Even before I came here on TAM to vent, I sent an anonymous email to the housing staff and tipped them off to the fact that this girl was allowing her flunked-out boyfriend to camp out in the dorms. The email was from the perspective of a disgruntled student living in the same building.

I know. Not the brightest way to handle it. Especially since I used a not-so-flattering term to describe SS's mom. The night I sent the email, I was pissed off to the highest of pisstivity! Why? Because I suspected that the real reason why his mom drove him back to campus was so that SHE and her boyfriend wouldn't have to be bothered with him! DH and I were in the middle of moving, and SS would've had no choice but to live with them...at least for a while. I'd put in 7 or 8 years of quasi mothering (DH had primary custody), and OK, I admit it...I really didn't want to be bothered either. Not because he's a bad kid...but because he's a sneaky little liar and doesn't want to live by any rules. As I'd told DH...I don't care if he stays out all night on campus...he's absolutely NOT gonna be floating into our house at 3 and 4 a.m. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned, but I find that disrespectful. And too, after he brought all his things home from campus, it was all smoky. (He had taken up smoking pot.) So yeh, definitely a young man who needs his own place.

Anyway, back to the housing folks. So yeh, I hoped that they'd take the intel about SS's girlfriend and force said moocher-student out of the dorms.

Epic fail!

You wanna know what they did with the info? They actually TOLD SS and his girlfriend what was said!!! Maybe they even forwarded them the email, or printed it out for them to read. How do I know? Well, long story short, DH and I traveled to campus to try to help SS get out of trouble in an unrelated situation (see mention of gangbangers above). During that visit, SS and DH were talking. DH was trying to talk some sense into him and tell him to get is ISHT together. SS got on the subject of how he can't trust anyone...including a particular cousin (also matriculating at this school) with whom he's been beefing for the last year or more. He told his dad (I was sitting right there) that someone had sent an email to housing and he felt like his cousin was behind it. (His wording led me to believe that he'd read this anonymous email with his own eyes.) He referred to the cousin as a "snake"...and, of course, I immediately felt rotten.

I might would've let it go and let them believe whatever, but this cousin is a good kid. His dad (DH's 1st cousin) had been instrumental in helping SS get out of the aim and focus of the gangbangers I mentioned. So I knew right off the bat that I'd have to find a way to confess. Let them know I was the mole...and that this cousin was not out to hurt SS like he presumed.

I had already confessed the whole thing to DH a few weeks ago. I told him why I did it...not to hurt SS but to actually help him. The GF was/is crippling him, and I was desperate for anything that would force him out from under her. (BTW, I never mentioned that this GF has pulled a knife on SS once and we've gotten reports that she hits him too.) When SS started smoking weed, GF made it her business to go report this to SS's mom.

So last week, I sent a long confession email to DH, SS's mom (via email) and to GF's mom (via FB inbox msg). It was a link to a Google doc...one that I knew I wouldn't "share" for long. I removed the capability to download or print and only left it up for a couple of days.

GF's mom was not happy! She called DH the next day...whining about me jeopardizing her daughter's education...how her daughter was "not crippling" SS. She sent me a "we need to talk" response via FB, and I happily gave her my phone number. She called, and I missed her. I called back and she didn't answer. I haven't called again since, so we still have yet to "discuss." But DH gave me the rundown on what she said to him, so I pretty much know where she stands.

I started to send SS and GF the same message, but I elected not to. It was really more of a tone and verbiage for adults and adult reasoning. Rather, I inbox'ed the two of them a different confession and apology on FB. SS was livid! He responded saying how dirty that was...and that the two of them got "fined" for him living with her. (Whoopdie-Doo! WTF good did it do for the college to fine them but he's still staying there?!?!) He said he was done with me and blocked me on FB. Basically cursed me out...talking about he never wanted or needed me in his life...how I'd never done sh*t for him...how he didn't see what his dad saw in me, blah, blah, blah...

I haven't heard from SS's mom...though she probably inboxed me to. Haven't checked. After dealing with GF's mom and SS's messages, I'd had enough.

Anyway, DH and I had a good conversation about it all. I asked him if I should've left well enough alone. He definitely felt like I should not have confessed to exposing them to housing. But he wasn't mad. He continues to believe that SS will eventually get himself together.

Like I said to the adults in the picture here...whatever fine they were assessed was nothing compared to the REAL COST of all these stupid decisions SS has been making lately.

Still, as someone here suggested in their post, I really need to stop back and disengage from SS's antics. If they don't care about how he ends up, why should I?

Problem is, I do care. Too much. And even after all this, I've backed off...but I don't know how to stop caring about what happens to him.

In the end, I guess I'm the evil stepmother in their eyes.

I shall write a book one day. "Stepparenting b.k.a. Taxation Without Representation!"
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post #34 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:24 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

Of course DH isn't mad. You actually got something done. You have bigger cajones than he does.

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~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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