You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm??? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:56 AM Thread Starter
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Thumbs down You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

Let me see if I can make this brief, 'cause this whole scenario disgusts me to no end!

1. Our DS (actually my SS) flunked out of college.
2. His girlfriend is obviously on track and makes good grades.
3. Instead of him taking time to re-group and get some discipline and study-skills about himself, he moves into girlfriends dorm.
4. Girlfriend is cool with this, heck, I suspect it may have been HER idea, so she can keep him under her thumb. (He's the quintessential lady's man who likes to dibble and dabble.)
5. I'm baffled that no one seems to have a problem with this. His mom was the one who took him back to campus. (He lied to her and convinced her that he'd been re-admitted.) His dad (my DH) refused to take him because he had no proof that they'd re-instated him.
6. BUT! They all seemed to be resigned to the "he's grown" mentality. His mom, DH, as well as the girlfriend's mom all know perfectly well that HE IS NOT TAKING CLASSES, but just shacking up in her room. None of them have done a thing or said a thing to try to discourage him from this...or discourage the chick from allowing this! I'm scratching my head trying to figure out if I'm stupid or something.
6. I totally "get" that all college students are going to do things (in hiding) the parents wouldn't approve of. But for ALL the bio parents to KNOW what's going on and not do/say anything????

Am I missing something here?

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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:00 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

I'm certain the college housing department does not allow this. Does the DD have a roommate? The roommate is cool with this?

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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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I'm certain the college housing department does not allow this. Does the DD have a roommate? The roommate is cool with this?
That definitely would NOT be allowed by administration. And it's definitely not fair to her roommate!

You're not missing anything at all, @pianobabe. I would also be asking myself, WTF are they thinking? At least it sounds like your husband has his head on straight, although he could have put his foot down a little harder on this.

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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

Not trying to be flippant, but if she is 18+ not much that you can do save some loving parental advice.

When this relationship ends badly, and it will end badly from what you stated, hopefully she will learn a good life lesson, the hard way.
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

Is anyone being harmed by the situation? Is there a roommate?
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

When my BIL flunked out his freshman or sophomore year from partying too much, his mom made him move back home and enroll in community college, and she watched him like a HAWK. She was on him every day, made him get a job, gave him a curfew. He straightened up, got his **** together, and re-enrolled as a full-time student a year or two later, and was on the dean's list every semester after that. His mom will do anything for her sons and she loves them with every ounce of her being, but she has no problem laying down the law if they **** up. Oy, if he ever cheated on my sister or did some stupid thing like that, his mom would be the first one on his case, grabbing his by the ear and asking him, "What the hell were you thinking?!?"

While at 18+, a person is technically and legally an adult. But don't underestimate the emotional power and influence a parent may have over their just-barely-adult child.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-22-2017 at 02:37 AM.
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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I'm certain the college housing department does not allow this. Does the DD have a roommate? The roommate is cool with this?
Ha! You'd think! Turns out that the housing department is quite aware of it...and have done absolutely NOTHING to stop them or send him home. So yeh, it disgusts me that the schools's standards are no better than these lovebirds of ours. SMDH...

Oh! And yes, this chick has at least one roommate. As I conveyed to DH and SS's mom...I'm not sure if I'm stuck in a time warp, but I wish to hell one of my roommates would've tried moving a boyfriend in when I was in college. None of us would've tolerated that from any of the others.

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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Ha! You'd think! Turns out that the housing department is quite aware of it...and have done absolutely NOTHING to stop them or send him home. So yeh, it disgusts me that the schools's standards are no better than these lovebirds of ours. SMDH...
Seriously, WTF?

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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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That definitely would NOT be allowed by administration. And it's definitely not fair to her roommate!

You're not missing anything at all, @pianobabe. I would also be asking myself, WTF are they thinking? At least it sounds like your husband has his head on straight, although he could have put his foot down a little harder on this.
EXACTLY! This is what pisses me off the worse. Here I am, the lonely stepparent (who, by the way, has fought harder over the years for his educational success than his parents have), and the adults in this equation are baffling me. SS can be kinda sassy to his mom, but he knows better than to buck at DH. My DH is the only person who could probably roll up to campus and tell him to go get his clothes, and get his arse in the car...and SS would do it. But nooooo...DH's take on this is that "it'll blow over...them playing house."

In my mind, I'm like the **** it will! WHAT? WHEN? Like after they get careless, she's knocked up and they look up in 4-5 years and have 2 or 3 kids they don't want and can't afford? And neither of them have degrees cause they're both stuck working 2-3 minimum wage jobs to support said kids?

UGH!!!!

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-15-2017 at 12:10 PM.
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Seriously, WTF?
HBCU with low standards like many of them have. Not to sound racist or anything, but I'm just keeping it real. I hate he ever chose to go to that school. Now they're letting him lie around like it's damn free public housing. He's distracting the girlfriend, and she's crippling him...giving him the idea that he can get something for nothing.

I will say this...he is an Army Reservist, so it's not like he hasn't done anything with himself. But here lately, his choices have been going south real hard and real fast. DH tried to encourage him to go active duty. Nope. "Dad, that's too much like slavery."

WTF? Come see me when you're working in a low-end job (or several of them concurrently), and let's talk about what seems like slavery. (But I can't say this stuff out loud...then I'm the evil stepmother, LOL!)

But oh well, it's clear that this kid is gonna have to learn the hard way!

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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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When my BIL flunked out his freshman or sophomore year from partying too much, his mom made him move back home and enroll in community college, and she watched him like a HAWK. She was on him every day, made him get a job, gave him a curfew. He straightened up, got his sh!t together, and re-enrolled as a full-time student a year or two later, and was on the dean's list every semester after that. His mom will do anything for her sons and she loves them with every ounce of her being, but she has no problem laying down the law if they **** up. Oy, if he ever cheated on my sister or did some stupid thing like that, his mom would be the first one on his case, grabbing his by the ear and asking him, "What the hell were you thinking?!?"

While at 18+, a person is technically and legally an adult. But don't underestimate the emotional power and influence a parent may have over their just-barely-adult child.
THIS!!! Oh FeministinPink, I can't tell you how long and hard I've dreamed of THIS very outcome. The parents crack down and he gets his sh*t together like this kid you mentioned. That's why the parents anger me MORE than the kids' choices do!!! And I've tactfully told DH as much! Both he and the mom were all angry when he flunked out, and yet the two people that I wanted to choke the worst were the both of them!!! It's like they can't see how they've failed him...and continue to fail him. Not that my choices have been all perfect, they certainly weren't. But I came to the marriage with a bit of a different set of values and standards, and I was often looked at as the "you think you're better than us" chick.

When he was in 7th grade, reading on a 5th grade reading level...who was the only person staying in touch with the teachers to make sure he got assessed regularly and the help he needed? Yup, yours truly. When his behavior veered off in middle and high school, who was the one that communicated with the teachers? Yours truly. When he was failing French in HS, I begged DH to get SS a tutor. I got ignored. The mom told DH back then that I was too hard on him and "she's pushing him away." But I knew I wasn't crazy when we got in family counseling, and the counselor said, you need to be bringing books home every day. If you have no homework, read ahead. SS did NONE of that...and DH didn't make him. (DH had primary custody ever since he and XW divorced when SS was 3/4ish.) When I questioned why he was being GIVEN a vehicle just because he turned 16...WITHOUT having to earn it, I was ignored. Why is he (Sophomore thru Senior year of HS) being allowed to hang out on Fri and Sat nights, yet has done no reading and no homework all week? I wasn't suggesting to deprive him of everything, but I practically begged DH to start tying the privileges to the responsibilities/accountability. I got ignored.

Yet, now he's drifted "away" anyway and shaping up to be a lil' flunkie who is lazy and wants something for nothing, and they're scratching their heads!!! XW had the audacity to text my H to say that she was done with her son...that he was "throwing his life away." I wanted to say, "he's just picking up where you left off. You threw him away years ago!" (Note: She abandoned their marriage and the kid when he was very young...and continued to spend his childhood years half-as*ing the poor kid...only occasionally showing up to his activities and important events.)

You are soooo right! Being 18 (or even 21 for that matter) does not automatically render one an adult! This young man is 20 and very much an overgrown child who STILL needs lots of guidance!!!

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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-15-2017 at 12:09 PM.
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

Perhaps I should add to this story that SS got into some trouble in our hometown and had some little wanna-be gang bangers after him. Maybe DH and XW feel better with him being on campus because they know where he is and assume he's safe.

Still smells like BS to me. What if the girlfriend was their/our daughter? Would we sit back and sanction her moving her boyfriend into her dorm? He*l no!!! And neither do I think it's this chick's responsibility to babysit SS. He has several relatives in other states that would gladly take him in if they don't feel he's safe at home!!!

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Too many of today's kids suffering from LAPS!!! (Lazy-Arsed Parenting Syndrome!!!)
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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

If SS's mom and dad were more involved when he was younger and clearly struggling, and hadn't left all the "work" to you, he might not need so much guiding now! Not minimizing your efforts, of course. Kids need guidance and boundaries; it shows them they are loved.

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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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If SS's mom and dad were more involved when he was younger and clearly struggling, and hadn't left all the "work" to you, he might not need so much guiding now! Not minimizing your efforts, of course. Kids need guidance and boundaries; it shows them they are loved.

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My sentiments exactly! Thanks FIP. I hope things work out for him.
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: You OK w/Your Daughter Moving Her Flunked-Out Boyfriend Into Her Dorm???

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Ha! You'd think! Turns out that the housing department is quite aware of it...and have done absolutely NOTHING to stop them or send him home. So yeh, it disgusts me that the schools's standards are no better than these lovebirds of ours. SMDH...

Oh! And yes, this chick has at least one roommate. As I conveyed to DH and SS's mom...I'm not sure if I'm stuck in a time warp, but I wish to he*l one of my roommates would've tried moving a boyfriend in when I was in college. None of us would've tolerated that from any of the others.
I would suspect that her roommate will get tired of the live-in-boyfriend/free loader. Most college dorm rooms are not that big. I would suspect that this will happened sooner than later.

Who is paying for her dorm? Do her parents pay? Or is she funding her education through grants, scholarships and loans?

If her parents are funding it, then perhaps they could call the school housing and tell them that this is not what they are paying for.

Otherwise, the two are over 18. They will need to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

(I'm not condoning it. It's just reality in this day.)
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