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post #31 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

**** em all. Go out in a blaze of glory!

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post #32 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

Ok thank you for your honest opinions. I was just checking my feelings are correct as I have a negative bias towards the people involved.

Here's the full story.

My H is 1 of 5. He was raised in a very dysfunctional home with abuse and neglect. We now believe that his mother has NPD or something like that (disordered thinking, bullying her children etc). His youngest sister was always the golden child that could do no wrong, she grew up being very spoiled and given preferential treatment. She has never worked to support herself, only ever doing a few hours a week, quits her jobs all the time and lives off either her husband or parents. She's a bit of a dead beat and a user - has immature traits of BPD.

She has fallen out with ALL the family except her mum and dad. She has now convinced her mother that if her (70 something year old) husband dies she will not be able to support herself. So her mother has changed her will (or is at least talking about it) so she inherits the home - so she will at least have a roof over her head.

At the same time as dropping this bombshell on my H, she also wants him to be an executor of said will AND give the eulogy at her funeral (i.e forcing him into saying nice things about her). H must have looked a bit surprised but she said our house is worth 'x' and therefore do not need anymore money.

As for my H - he does not care about the money, once the estate is divided into 5 plus any charitable donations and solicitors fees he would only inherit around 10k (to put that into perspective - it would pay for my daughters Uni fees for 1 year). It is not life changing money, lovely, but not worth fighting over or the hassle of contesting the will. But it was the low emotional blow that even in death there will be inequalities and the irritation that his sister is manipulating her til the very end and she STILL expects H to do the donkey work (he is very people pleasing). It also struck him that his successes have never been acknowledged or rewarded - she has never said 'well done'. In fact he is being penalised for being hard working and educating himself.

I think it is is further evidence of a personality disorder....(how much more evidence do I need?)

Thank you again.
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post #33 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 09:59 AM
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Cool Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

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To hell with giving it to ANY of them. I want to spend mine long before THEY get it!!

Seriously, it should be split equally no matter what the life circumstances are of each of them. There's no better way to split a family up than a lopsided will.
My first XW had a deceased widower uncle of hers who was an accomplished retired orthopedic surgeon. Nicest guy in the world!

On the back of his Lexus SUV, he had a bumper sticker plastered up for all to see, more especially his grown and college aged kids, which said: "I'm spending your inheritance just as fast as I can!"

Being true to his word, when he died in the mid-2000's, he only left 100k to each of the five, and the rest of his worldly assets to his medical school, undergraduate university, his church, and to various benevolent charities!

Word has it that they were royally pi$$ed off at him for doing it, as he left them absolutely nothing to even remotely challenge the will with in court, other than the words in his will which intoned, "I humbly worked hard all of these years for my money! I pray that you'll do the same!"

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Last edited by arbitrator; 02-11-2017 at 10:10 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #34 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

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My first XW had a deceased widower uncle of hers who was an accomplished retired orthopedic surgeon. Nicest guy in the world!

On the back of his Lexus SUV, he had a bumper sticker plastered up for all to see, more especially his grown and college aged kids, which said: "I'm spending your inheritance just as fast as I can!"

Being true to his word, when he died in the mid-2000's, he only left 100k to each of the five, and the rest of his worldly assets to his medical school, undergraduate university, his church, and to various benevolent charities!

Word has it that they were royally pi$$ed off at him for doing it, as he left them absolutely nothing to even remotely challenge the will with in court, other than the words in his will which intoned, "I humbly worked hard all of these years for my money! I pray that you'll do the same!"
When my parents died their estate was left equally between me and my brother.He wasn't happy at all,he was married,living in an expensive city(London)and had three kids who he had to pay to be educated.Their Estate was worth well into nine figures so he would have been set up for life but he still wasn't happy.My Dad was no fool though and he had set up the will that if either of us contested then their share went to charity.I got so angry with my brother at the reading that I told him if he contested then I would as well and all the money would go to charity.He quickly backed down but just to piss him off I got the lawyer to put my share in a trust fund for my first born child.That was almost six years ago and I never thought I would settle down or have kids.
My girlfriend is pregnant.
She is due in six weeks.
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post #35 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

We have faced this with my husbands parents. His brother has never worked much, parents have supported him, bought him cars, place to live etc. There is nothing wrong with him and have has his Batchelors degree. DH has worked super hard since age 14, graduated college with no debt, and been very successful in his career. His parents worry and worry about his older brother. In any gift giving it has been very lopsided because of my husbands success. It hurts him so much. We will not be surprised if their wills reflect this same thought process. In fact it is what we expect.

My answer would have always been split evenly, but all the more so now do I feel that way. Don't punish the ones who work hard. That is very unfair. What a sour last goodbye they would have from a parent doing that.

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post #36 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 02:40 PM
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Bottom line is its nobody's business who the parents choose to leave their estate to, and frankly it's being petty to be mad over it.

My mom gave everything to my sister who spent her life drinking and doing drugs, not much money but a house and property. One of my brothers is still estranged from my sister because of it, myself and my other brother never batted an eyebrow. I actually wanted my mom to sell the place and use the money to enjoy herself but she wouldn't.

Her choice for her reasons, what right did I have to lay claim to her assets? I would guess she knew my sister would never get her act together and that was the last way she could help her.

The only part that bothers me is to see my childhood home rot to the ground, it's an ugly site these days, but sis and her husband plan on fixing it up any day now! lol

As for me I tell the kids I plan on spending my last dollar on the last day of my life so plan on no inheritance. Truthfully now I help then when I see they need it, I'm very lucky because they are both resourceful and never ask for help, I just like to upgrade their lives sometimes. In the end it will be a 50/50 split, my expectations are they succeed on their own. I would never reward one for poor judgement and deny the other for doing things right, but that's my choice.

Last edited by Cooper; 02-11-2017 at 02:51 PM.
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post #37 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

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Bottom line is its nobody's business who the parents choose to leave their estate to, and frankly it's being petty to be mad over it.

My mom gave everything to my sister who spent her life drinking and doing drugs, not much money but a house and property. One of my brothers is still estranged from my sister because of it, myself and my other brother never batted an eyebrow. I actually wanted my mom to sell the place and use the money to enjoy herself but she wouldn't.

Her choice for her reasons, what right did I have to lay claim to her assets? I would guess she knew my sister would never get her act together and that was the last way she could help her.

The only part that bothers me is to see my childhood home rot to the ground, it's an ugly site these days, but sis and her husband plan on fixing it up any day now! lol

As for me I tell the kids I plan on spending my last dollar on the last day of my life so plan on no inheritance. Truthfully now I help then when I see they need it, I'm very lucky because they are both resourceful and never ask for help, I just like to upgrade their lives sometimes. In the end it will be a 50/50 split, my expectations are they succeed on their own. I would never reward one for poor judgement and deny the other for doing things right, but that's my choice.
I have an aunt who lives in Ireland and she has seven children,all grown up,some married and just one son living at home.Her will is very interesting to me.She has left the house to her son who lives with her with the stipulation that there always has to be a home for any of her children if they need it,not grandchildren,just her own sons and daughters.This means that unless all seven agree,the house can't be sold and the son living at home can't sell it either.It also means that the son who looked after her can never be made homeless if his siblings get greedy,and they can't move their family in either.
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post #38 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

The donor is the owner. And the owner gets to make that decision.

Me? I would divide it equally. Reason? The other children will hate the sibling that got all the money. That is the way people are. I want my children to love each other.

I would want my children to think of me in a fair light. Not favoring one or the other.

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post #39 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

I would divide it equally between each child.
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post #40 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

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Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
Bottom line is its nobody's business who the parents choose to leave their estate to, and frankly it's being petty to be mad over it.

My mom gave everything to my sister who spent her life drinking and doing drugs, not much money but a house and property. One of my brothers is still estranged from my sister because of it, myself and my other brother never batted an eyebrow. I actually wanted my mom to sell the place and use the money to enjoy herself but she wouldn't.

Her choice for her reasons, what right did I have to lay claim to her assets? I would guess she knew my sister would never get her act together and that was the last way she could help her.

The only part that bothers me is to see my childhood home rot to the ground, it's an ugly site these days, but sis and her husband plan on fixing it up any day now! lol

As for me I tell the kids I plan on spending my last dollar on the last day of my life so plan on no inheritance. Truthfully now I help then when I see they need it, I'm very lucky because they are both resourceful and never ask for help, I just like to upgrade their lives sometimes. In the end it will be a 50/50 split, my expectations are they succeed on their own. I would never reward one for poor judgement and deny the other for doing things right, but that's my choice.
I believe in death just like in life, where one distributes his/ her assets is where that person has found value. Therefore, it helps when there is some explanation / coherence / consistency in the decisions that are made.

furthermore, there is still pressure in western society to take elderly parents in / make sacrifices in one's life to accommodate the caring of that parent. I'm afraid you can't have one without the other. I certainly don't to allow a parent to bankrupt me while they hand over assets in their death to someone else.

My mother took care of her mother in the last 10 years of her life. Of course, there will be some who disagreed with how she did it:
1. She effectively kidnapped my mother. My grandmother would go in and out of lucidity. in the year before my mother brought her to her town, she had had to rush to my grandmother's house for various emergencies.... like causing a fire in the house. She lives inthe midwest. My grandmother lived on the east coast.

my mother's brother did nothing to help even though he lived a 30 minute drive away.

2. My grandmother refused to quit smoking. both of my parents are non smokers. I later heard from one of my mother's friends that my grandmother was so defiant, she smoked right in front of them. My father said she had to go. my mother found an assisted living place a 20 minute drive form their house.

This is the same woman who told my mother that she made a horrible choice in husbands because my father was still finishing medical school and couldn't afford the train fare to go visit my grandmother in the 50s.

But my parents lavished my grandmother with money as long as I can remember.

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post #41 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

Funny I have 5 kids (not adults yet).

Two are on the spectrum (autism). I'd still leave it equal, mind you one would be in trust with a monthly allowance (or possibly two).

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post #42 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 04:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

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Bottom line is its nobody's business who the parents choose to leave their estate to, and frankly it's being petty to be mad over it.


I wasn't suggesting that an individual doesn't have the right to leave their estate to whoever they choose, that would be silly. And actually my husband's reaction was very accepting even though it made him a little sad that even to the last she would be causing divisions between his siblings.

What I was wondering....is this a typical response to this hypothetical question or is it quite unusual. From what I can gather here, most posters would treat their children equally except from exceptional circumstances. So this is making me think about the larger picture of a very dysfunctional family. Hope that makes sense.
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post #43 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

My grandparents had 10 kids. They left their house and farm (valued at about $100,000) to my aunt who stayed with them as a full time caregiver for the last 10 years of their lives, and who also agreed to continue supporting her disabled younger brother in the family home for the rest of his life. They left the other 9 siblings $10,000 each. One of the stipulations of the will is that the property can't be sold out of the family until all 10 of the siblings have died.

It hasn't exactly caused dissension in the family, but my aunt has, not by her choice, been " elected" as the head of the family and seems to get stuck as the person dealing with all the family difficulties now. When the disabled brother died, she was expected to take care of all his funeral expenses alone. If someone in the family is hard up, she's expected to take them in (she got stuck with one of my cousins and her 4 kids for 2 years after her divorce, and they didn't pay their way at all). She's expected to host all extended family gatherings. The family seems to think she's better equipped to deal with these things because she got "more" - even though she was the only one who didn't get any actual money!

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post #44 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 06:30 AM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

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I believe in death just like in life, where one distributes his/ her assets is where that person has found value. Therefore, it helps when there is some explanation / coherence / consistency in the decisions that are made.

furthermore, there is still pressure in western society to take elderly parents in / make sacrifices in one's life to accommodate the caring of that parent. I'm afraid you can't have one without the other. I certainly don't to allow a parent to bankrupt me while they hand over assets in their death to someone else.

My mother took care of her mother in the last 10 years of her life. Of course, there will be some who disagreed with how she did it:
1. She effectively kidnapped my mother. My grandmother would go in and out of lucidity. in the year before my mother brought her to her town, she had had to rush to my grandmother's house for various emergencies.... like causing a fire in the house. She lives inthe midwest. My grandmother lived on the east coast.

my mother's brother did nothing to help even though he lived a 30 minute drive away.

2. My grandmother refused to quit smoking. both of my parents are non smokers. I later heard from one of my mother's friends that my grandmother was so defiant, she smoked right in front of them. My father said she had to go. my mother found an assisted living place a 20 minute drive form their house.

This is the same woman who told my mother that she made a horrible choice in husbands because my father was still finishing medical school and couldn't afford the train fare to go visit my grandmother in the 50s.

But my parents lavished my grandmother with money as long as I can remember.
I understand your reasoning, it's just not necessarily how things always work out. I easily believe at times an inheritance is given in appreciation, but many times it is given as a safety net. While I would never find fault with where someone decides to leave an inheritance I would be upset with some of the stipulations I have read here. Who wants to the burden of receiving the family home under the stipulation you need to keep it forever and allow others to move in and out? Knowing my siblings I would refuse and pass the house to one of them.
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post #45 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:03 AM
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Re: Hypothetical question....inheritance

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I wasn't suggesting that an individual doesn't have the right to leave their estate to whoever they choose, that would be silly. And actually my husband's reaction was very accepting even though it made him a little sad that even to the last she would be causing divisions between his siblings.

What I was wondering....is this a typical response to this hypothetical question or is it quite unusual. From what I can gather here, most posters would treat their children equally except from exceptional circumstances. So this is making me think about the larger picture of a very dysfunctional family. Hope that makes sense.
In my experience I have seen where estates have been divided unequally based on perceived need, actually two different families in the last couple of years. In both cases it has caused huge issues within the families, both these families I have known for most of my life, both are what I considered very close families. Unless I was missing something all those years I never saw ongoing dysfunction, yet today both those families are splintered, because of how the parents estate was divided. In my mind it just isn't worth the energy required to be angry over.

I left much out about my mothers estate, if I explained it all I think everyone would see how I came up on the short end. In my family the issues caused from an inequitable division of the estate is certainly from long term dysfunction. I could be furious over how things ended up, but chose not to be.

Free money seems to take rational people and make them sick in the head.
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