my husband won't let me have an abortion - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:51 AM Thread Starter
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So your marriage is "surviving" meaning that it's not all that good.

Why don't you and your husband get much time together, just the two of you?

About how much time is he home each week?

How many hours a week do you have a nanny to help you?

Do you do all the housework, shopping, cooking, etc?
Well i dont really have a problem with that, i thinj we're fine well he comes back home late everynight so..

The nanny comes everyday except for the week end and stays from 8am till 7pm

I take care of Most of it yes

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post #32 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:18 AM Thread Starter
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How much time do you spend doing quality things with your children. Who takes the seven year old to school and picks him/her up?
All the possible time, i do

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How are they disciplined? Do you do it or do you leave it to someone else? Who do you leave it to, if that is the case?
Depends really

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What fun things does your oldest do in school that you have helped with? What did you do to help?

Are there any school activities that you and your husband have gone to see? I guess I'm thinking of little plays or choir or some sort of Christmas or Holiday festivities. How did you help to prepare him/her for the activities?
We spent time helping him practice for the little play they had at school

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When the three year old gets out of hand, what do you say/do?

How often do the children get out of hand and drive you crazy? What is it they do to make you so miserable?
When the 3 yo gets out of hand i try to calm down and ask the nanny for help
Same thing when they both get out of hand sometimes i lose it and let them do whatever they wish to do as long as it does not really harm them but other time i always ask for help

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Do you make dinner or does someone else? What do you make?
Depends, sometimes i tend to make one of my first borns favourite food otherwise its something healthy i care about that a lot

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How about lunches for the children? What do you do for lunch for the seven year old? What do you do for lunch for the three year old?
I dont prepare lunch for my 7yo on school days because he gets to have lunch at school but for the three years old as i said before its always something healthy, vegetables obviously play a huge part of it

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Have you seen your doctor about your depression? Have you told her/him about how you are tired and don't look forward to each day?

Have you talked with a psychologist about these issues? When was the last time?

Are you on any medications for help with sleep? Do you sleep well any time? Do you smoke, drink or do any drugs not prescribed by a physician?
I dont really like psychologists or therapists they dont really help... no im not taking anything

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Do you have friends you spend time with? How much time do you spend with them in a week?
Yes, once a week
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post #33 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Thank you.

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post #34 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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he just said he wants to have the baby...
i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...
were you on any form of birth control when you got pregnant ? i.e., is this a case where birth control failed to work, or were you having sex without using any birth control. And if so, why if you didin't want another child now ?

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post #35 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:59 AM Thread Starter
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he just said he wants to have the baby...
i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...
were you on any form of birth control when you got pregnant ? i.e., is this a case where birth control failed to work, or were you having sex without using any birth control. And if so, why if you didin't want another child now ?
You could say i was tricked he told me to stop taking the birth control pills because they arent safe and that he'd use condoms and i idiotically did but he didnt use condoms and here i am now simply fooled because he knew i wouldnt want that now but eh....
Im not mentally ready but i guess i have no choice
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post #36 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

-A full time nanny. (Monday thru Friday 8am to 7pm; one of the two kids in School all that time too!)

-Unprotected sex without a condom betweeen two married adults results in pregnancy...
(If my husband was using a condom or not, I know it before he sticks it in, it's not like putting it on happens in another room in secret without your sexual partner knowing it! There's opening it, putting it on etc. If I have went off the pill, and this is the birth control WE AS A COUPLE are using, that d!ck wouldn't be in me without a condom if I don't want any more kids. I don't buy the "tricked" excuse when an innocent life is now at stake.)

-Wants to kill the baby because she's tired from not working and watching a nanny raise her 2 kids that are noisy.

-She depressed some of you say. Killing her child will help that?

This is BEYOND logic for me. I'm out.

Ciao,

Spicy

Last edited by Spicy; 02-19-2017 at 11:32 AM. Reason: More details
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post #37 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

It really should be a joint decision about the abortion. My thinking here is that even though it will be tiring, you will make it through and will learn to love the third child. But, I would only agree to do this if he agrees to a vasectomy. It seems like your husband tricked you into this and doesn't respect your wishes very well. That doesn't bode well for your marriage. Your husband really isn't much of a father. Yes, he works hard so you can raise the kids with the help of a nanny. But, children need a father figure in their life. He is failing in that regard.

If you abort, you'll likely end up in a divorce. That certainly isn't a desirable situation, even if your husband doesn't act as a father should. I would see a doctor about your tiredness, look into having the nanny help more, and also look into whether you may still suffer from PPD.

This will not be easy on you and may destroy your marriage in the end if you resent your husband over it. But, if you do have this child, make sure to love him as you do your other children. Relish the fun parts and trudge through the hard parts.

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post #38 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

One other option, you could consider daycare for your children instead of a nanny. You could get a job and work while they are in daycare. That would give you a chance to get away from family life a while each day. My wife and I both are professionals with full time jobs. We also have no family close by. So, that's what we did. Both of my children started daycare very young. They are both teenagers now and things worked out well.

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post #39 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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A full time nanny.
Unprotected sex without a condom betweeen two married adults results in pregnancy...
Wants to kill the baby because she's tired from not working and watching a nanny raise her 2 kids that are noisy.

I'm out.
Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.
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post #40 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

All i can tell you to do is to keep the baby and things would get better, i've been there before and decided to have an abortion but couldn't then when i had the baby things go so much better and now i love him so much and don't regret keeping him

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post #41 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.
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Marital Rape:

". . . sexual acts committed without a person's consent and/or against a person's will when the perpetrator is the individual's current partner (married or not), previous partner, or co-habitator."

Marital Rape, Spousal Rape - HealthyPlace

Don't try to make it sound innocent. It isn't. If she consented, she would have stated that. She didn't. She was raped. She was not tricked. She needs an attorney and a psychoanalyst, not TAM.

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post #42 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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You could say i was tricked he told me to stop taking the birth control pills because they arent safe and that he'd use condoms and i idiotically did but he didnt use condoms and here i am now simply fooled because he knew i wouldnt want that now but eh....
Im not mentally ready but i guess i have no choice
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Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.
Sort of tricked, not completely. From her post above, she believed he WOULD, but it appears she knew he DIDN'T. All it would have taken is a quick check to be sure it was on, or for her to put it on him. But, that didn't happen. Tricking, IMO, would have been him saying he got a vasectomy, but didn't... even going through the follow up actions, faking it... That didn't happen. The responsibility of ensuring that a condom was in place was equally his and hers. The only other way I could see it as him tricking her is if he put it on, showed her it was on, then slipped it off without her noticing. I don't get that impression from her post.

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post #43 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

It is my fault indeed, i'm taking full responsibility of that and i guess i should just keep the baby.. Thanks a lot everyone that was helpful
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post #44 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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It is my fault indeed, i'm taking full responsibility of that and i guess i should just keep the baby.. Thanks a lot everyone that was helpful
please do not pressure your self to do something you don't really want to do no matter what the others are saying
i personally still believe he must have done that without your permission which is a selfish thing to do honestly
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post #45 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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Don't try to make it sound innocent. It isn't. If she consented, she would have stated that. She didn't. She was raped. She was not tricked. She needs an attorney and a psychoanalyst, not TAM.
I think you are reading a bit more into it than she has stated. She was the one who said "I guess you could say I was tricked". She never stat3d that he forced her to comply. She said he told her he would use condoms, but didn't. She could have refused to have sex if he tried without a condom. She, it appears, did not endure one was in place. He requested that she stop taking birth control pills, citing the toll they can (and in her case may very well have) take on the body. He approached that aspect, apparently, out of concern for her health. If he forced her to comply, I would agree that it would fall under the umbrella of rape. However, from her own posts, I am not so sure your assessment is correct.

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