my husband won't let me have an abortion - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

User Tag List

 149Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:32 AM
Member
 
Spicy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 599
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostSnow View Post
Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.
I edited my reply above to clarify my stance.


Ciao,

Spicy
Spicy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:34 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,097
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostSnow View Post
Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.
She has said the nanny is there from 8am till 7 pm. That's 55 hours a week, how is that not full time??? Its much more than full time, equivalent to seven 8 hour days.

As someone who bought up three children with no outside help at all(family or paid) and a husband who worked shifts and most weekends, its hard to imagine this senario being hard in anyway.

Last edited by Diana7; 02-19-2017 at 03:48 PM.
Diana7 is online now  
post #48 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:36 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,097
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
Don't try to make it sound innocent. It isn't. If she consented, she would have stated that. She didn't. She was raped. She was not tricked. She needs an attorney and a psychoanalyst, not TAM.
Of course she wasn't raped. Good grief.
Diana7 is online now  
 
post #49 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,097
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostSnow View Post
All i can tell you to do is to keep the baby and things would get better, i've been there before and decided to have an abortion but couldn't then when i had the baby things go so much better and now i love him so much and don't regret keeping him
Most in that position feel that way.
Diana7 is online now  
post #50 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:42 AM
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
I think you are reading a bit more into it than she has stated. She was the one who said "I guess you could say I was tricked". She never stat3d that he forced her to comply. She said he told her he would use condoms, but didn't. She could have refused to have sex if he tried without a condom. She, it appears, did not endure one was in place. He requested that she stop taking birth control pills, citing the toll they can (and in her case may very well have) take on the body. He approached that aspect, apparently, out of concern for her health. If he forced her to comply, I would agree that it would fall under the umbrella of rape. However, from her own posts, I am not so sure your assessment is correct.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk
Read the law. It might change your mind. I left a link there.

You don't have to have force involved for it to be rape under the law. If she agreed to have sex with him while he wore a condom, and he did not, which she states, it is considered rape, under the law.

Yes, I did jump to conclusions, in a sense, to make a point to the member I quoted. That wasn't necessarily for GhostSnow(ooops, Snowflake or some kind of snow. Hey, the op. Too much snow on the brain. Sorry op).



@Diana7, please read this post, too. You ladies want to play games with the law when it doesn't suit your purposes.


She doesn't have to prosecute her husband. He did rape her, by law.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."

Last edited by 2ntnuf; 02-19-2017 at 11:53 AM.
2ntnuf is offline  
post #51 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:51 AM
Member
 
Maricha75's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 7,208
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowflakes View Post
It is my fault indeed, i'm taking full responsibility of that and i guess i should just keep the baby.. Thanks a lot everyone that was helpful
I'm sorry if my post came across so harshly. What I meant was that you are EQUALLY responsible for ensuring that birth control is in place, not just you, not just him. He said he would use condoms. If he didn't buy them, you could have, to ensure they were available. Shoot, had you bought them, he would have known you were 100% serious about NOT wanting a baby at this time, and if he wasn't 100% on board with using them, go back on birth control. It would tell him that if he was unwilling to take care of birth control, you would do it.

But, hindsight is 20/20, of course. I do have strong feelings about abortion, but I cannot tell you what to do. No matter how I feel about it, it is not my decision to make. I do think you need to have a long talk with your husband about the baby, the children you already have, and changes that MUST be made now that you are expecting again... if you choose to have the baby. And, one of the changes... in your shoes, I would request that he get a vasectomy while you are pregnant. And, to be sure he actually has it done, I would inspect lol. Make sure he actually DID get it done, request to see the paperwork from the procedure, and all followup appointment receipts.

I do wish you luck in this situation. I know how hard it is with an unexpected pregnancy... my third was unexpected, too. My middle child had just turned 1 year old when we learned I was pregnant again. I was still nursing her, and continued for another 5 months until she weaned herself. My youngest two are 20 months apart... and I got a tubal ligation when I had the youngest (scheduled c-section, since the other two had been c-section, as well).

If he is unwilling to get a vasectomy, then I suggest that you take your reproductive health into your own hands, whether pill, shots, iud, or tubal ligation. That way, he knows you absolutely do NOT want more children, and you are not letting him dictate your reproductive choices.

I do wish you the best. Whether I agree with your choices or not is irrelevant. Right now, you need to figure out what is best for your family... and put your foot down regarding your husband's current lack of involvement with raising the kids.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

You can use the 2x4 without adding nails to it.
Maricha75 is online now  
post #52 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: England
Posts: 28
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow.. I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.
Snowflakes is offline  
post #53 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:02 PM
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowflakes View Post
I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow.. I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.
It feels like an attack because you didn't realize it was rape under the law.

You just figured he was being a jerk, and he was.

I get that you somehow didn't realize he wasn't using a condom until it was too late. Though, I find that horribly difficult to understand, I am a man, so it is possible I can't understand. I don't know what it's like to be a woman.

Help? Here it is. It is not illegal to have an abortion for whatever reason you decide, in the U.S. If you want to get one, the best place to go and decide is to a clinic which provides such services.

If you are a religious believer and your faith says it should not be done for some reason, then I'd suggest you go to your pastor and talk with him/her.

You may want to do both.

So far, I didn't mention anything about the abortion. This post changes that.

My stance on abortion doesn't matter. It's yours that matters, and your husband's.

If you don't talk to him first about this and get his opinions, you will certainly be leaving him out of an important decision.

That will likely go badly, even if he sees your side of things.

You need to talk with him about this condom thing and his promises. That's a big problem. He was wrong to do that to you. I don't care whether he wants another child or not. He was dead wrong.

I hope that helps you to feel better.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #54 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:07 PM
Member
 
Maricha75's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 7,208
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
Read the law. It might change your mind. I left a link there.

You don't have to have force involved for it to be rape under the law. If she agreed to have sex with him while he wore a condom, and he did not, which she states, it is considered rape, under the law.

Yes, I did jump to conclusions, in a sense, to make a point to the member I quoted. That wasn't necessarily for GhostSnow(ooops, Snowflake or some kind of snow. Hey, the op. Too much snow on the brain. Sorry op).



@Diana7, please read this post, too. You ladies want to play games with the law when it doesn't suit your purposes.


She doesn't have to prosecute her husband. He did rape her, by law.
I read the link. It doesn't fit. So, no, it doesn't change my mind, at all. But, thank you for sharing. It might help someone to whom it DOES apply.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

You can use the 2x4 without adding nails to it.
Maricha75 is online now  
post #55 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:21 PM
Member
 
Spicy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 599
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

You seem to understand this law.

One question- if a wife forgot or didn't take her birth control pill and got pregnant, can her husband charge her with raping him?


Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
It feels like an attack because you didn't realize it was rape under the law.

You just figured he was being a jerk, and he was.

I get that you somehow didn't realize he wasn't using a condom until it was too late. Though, I find that horribly difficult to understand, I am a man, so it is possible I can't understand. I don't know what it's like to be a woman.

Help? Here it is. It is not illegal to have an abortion for whatever reason you decide, in the U.S. If you want to get one, the best place to go and decide is to a clinic which provides such services.

If you are a religious believer and your faith says it should not be done for some reason, then I'd suggest you go to your pastor and talk with him/her.

You may want to do both.

So far, I didn't mention anything about the abortion. This post changes that.

My stance on abortion doesn't matter. It's yours that matters, and your husband's.

If you don't talk to him first about this and get his opinions, you will certainly be leaving him out of an important decision.

That will likely go badly, even if he sees your side of things.

You need to talk with him about this condom thing and his promises. That's a big problem. He was wrong to do that to you. I don't care whether he wants another child or not. He was dead wrong.

I hope that helps you to feel better.



Ciao,

Spicy
Spicy is offline  
post #56 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:24 PM
Forum Supporter
 
TX-SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,469
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

God forbid she actually TRUSTED her husband to do what he said he would (condom). Now it's her fault for not trusting the person she is married to? I don't believe this is rape, but I do believe he USED her to suit his own desires. He did so through deception. What part of that is her fault? What part of that is RIGHT?

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
TX-SC is offline  
post #57 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:33 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,250
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowflakes View Post
I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow.. I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.
Yes, you do need help. You are obviously overwhelmed and exhausted in a situation that should not be exhausting at all. Don’t despair. There are things that you can do to get to the bottom of this to find what is causing your distress and how to resolve it.

You seem to feel powerless and that may have a lot to do with why you are overwhelmed. You are not powerless. There are things you can do to make your situation better.

You have said that you are exhausted from your last pregnancy and you had PPD. Are you still depressed?

You said that your boys can get out of hand. There are ways to teach them self-control. The earlier self-control is learned, the better. Yes children get loud and are energetic, but if they are out of control that is a different matter. There are ways to teach your children self-discipline that will make for a calmer, happier household.

Is your husband faithful to you?

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #58 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: England
Posts: 28
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Is your husband faithful to you?
i guess so
Snowflakes is offline  
post #59 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:07 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 31,522
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowflakes View Post
I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow..
Some of the posters here are being harsh with you. That what happens on an open forum like this. Some people will empathize with you and try to find ways to help you. Some will see things only through their own life circumstance and be harsh.

You need to ignore the harsh posts and take the input that makes sense to you. I have deleted some posts because they were harsh, judgmental, arguing the political issue of abortion and quite honestly provided you not helpful input. They were basically attacking post. Abortion is a very hot political issue. I will continue to monitor your thread so that it stays on track, giving you support and not harsh judgements. As a moderator, it can be hard to know when to draw that line. You can always report posts that you feel are attacking you. The reports go out to all moderators. Use the little triangular button on the lower left hand side of the offending post.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowflakes View Post
I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.
It was someone else who brought up the legal issue of rape. You are right, you did not say that. But, people here love to argue points like that with other posters.

2ntnuf is right. That under the law, if he told you that he was going to use a condom and then did not it's rape. Had you called the police, he would have most likely been charged with rape.

You did not sound selfish when you talked about the unprotected sex. Your husband abused your trust in what he did.

To me, you sound overwhelmed. But I will talk about this in another post.
EleGirl is offline  
post #60 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:16 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,250
Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

You are not sure that your husband is faithful? If you cannot answer this with assurance, there are things going on in your marriage that are likely part of the problems you are having in dealing with your pregnancy. Obviously your husband wanted another child and went about getting one in a way that causes you to not trust him to have your back. A significant part of marriage is doing life together. This requires having each other's backs and making decisions together. If you feel powerless in your marriage, that can cause all sorts of other problems making you feel like your life is out of control.

Even the title of your thread has helpless and powerless written all over it. I think the key to finding some area of power that you can start with and build from there. Not to overpower your husband, but to be on equal footing with him and able to have your needs met.

I'm glad that you have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and believe that you will be glad that you did, but in the meantime, I recommend you develop a real understanding of what is causing your distress and how you can resolve it so that you no longer feel exhausted, but you feel energetic and happy.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
abortion, children, marriage

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Abortion as a general topic jld Politics and Religion 92 12-09-2016 12:24 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome