my husband won't let me have an abortion - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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Question my husband won't let me have an abortion

I'm new here and i hope you could help me...
i've been married for 8 years now and i have two boys, 2 weeks ago i found out that i'm eight weeks pregnant (obviously ten now) and i've decided to have an abortion but when i told my husband about it he refused to let me. The news of my pregnancy made him happy but i don't think i want or can have another baby now. i tried explaining that to him and tell him that we can have another baby later but he wouldnt listen... even my own mother agrees with him and she told me to keep the baby...
i really don't know what to do.. i'm just not ready but they don't understand that...
what should i do?

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post #2 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

It's your body and your choice, if you want to have an abortion do exactly that.
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post #3 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:34 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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It's your body and your choice, if you want to have an abortion do exactly that.
if she wants her marriage to end yes.
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post #4 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

I can fully understand that your husband doesn't want you to kill your baby(which is also his). I am sure you will both manage, so many women do, and you will love that child as you do your other children.After that one of you can get permanently sterilised to avoid this happening again.

I also understand your mum. I would be devastated if one of my grandchildren was killed in this way.
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post #5 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Is he against your abortion as a matter of morality, or as a practical matter, I.e. he wants to have the kid.
there's a big difference.

he cannot legally prevent you from having an abortion in the u.s., but he can leave you over this.
many people do believe abortion is killing a child.

what is his stance on this?
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post #6 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

he just said he wants to have the baby...
i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...
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post #7 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

How old are your two children?

I get the impression that your husband is not anti-abortion. He just wants this child. Is that right?

Are you having any complications with this pregnancy?

Did you have complications during those pregnancies?

Did you have any PPD after either of them?

I get exactly what you are saying that you are just too exhausted right now to do this.

If your husband and mother are pushing you to not have an abortion, then ask them what extra support they are willing to give you to help you carry this baby.

Do they believe you, when you tell them that you are too exhausted and don't think you can do go through with this pregnancy?

What I think I'm seen here is that you are telling them that you have a serious problem with not felling physically and mentally capable of this pregnancy. And they are not listening and/or do not care.

Have you talked to your doctor about how tired you are? Is there any help you can get from your doctor?

If you abort this baby your marriage is probably over.

If you don't abort this baby, you might end up so run down that you cannot function well. And your marriage might be over because your husband is dismissing your very real concerns.

(I am not a huge proponent of abortion. But have sort of been where the OP is and think I understand what she is saying.)
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post #8 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

Also, are you a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)? or do you have a job outside the home?
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post #9 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 05:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

they're 7 and 3 years old

right

it's not that i don't think it's the right time

yes, i almost lost second baby

yes

they just say it will change once i give birth

thanks a lot for understanding, really.. it's just a hard decision that's going to wreck my family either way and i'm just afraid...

and no i do not work
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post #10 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 05:58 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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Originally Posted by Snowflakes View Post
he just said he wants to have the baby...
i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...
Require him to get a vasectomy.

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post #11 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 09:17 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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they're 7 and 3 years old

right

it's not that i don't think it's the right time

yes, i almost lost second baby

yes

they just say it will change once i give birth

thanks a lot for understanding, really.. it's just a hard decision that's going to wreck my family either way and i'm just afraid...

and no i do not work
No it wont wreck your family either way, you will have a very reasonable age gap with your other children, as has been said ask your family for more help. If you are very tired go and see the doctor, you may be anaemic. Have you told your husband why you are so worried? Does he help when he is around?

Mine were aged 4 and 7 when I had my third, yes its a busy time but well worth it. You maye well have deep regrets if you kill this baby, so many women do. I am sure that in time you will be so glad that you didn't abort this child.
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post #12 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 09:24 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

For another reason I signed up for this forum and before I could post my troubles and saw your post and felt compelled to reply.

When I got a verse tome, I had to go through an emotional evaluation to prove that I really wanted it, and my wife had to sign it. The point is that it is not a negotiation on either part, but a joint decision.

Five years ago my wife and I had two incredible children and we discussed whether or not we should have a third. The end result of the conversation was a consensus to not try, but not NOT try for a month and if it happened, it happened.

While we were having sex a month later, I came inside her (we used the pull out method). She freaked out because she had changed her mind and neglected to tell me. Sure enough, she got pregnant with our third at a time when we didn't think we could handle it. We decided to go forth with the pregnancy and now we have three kids.

It's hard. It's not easy. Raising three young kids and trying to do the right thing. We have less time. We see less of each other. And I would not have changed my decision for the world. My life without my third would be less full than my life with him. Our family is stronger. We make it work. No matter what.

The point is, communication before, during, and after having a baby is key. The fact that the communication did not happen beforehand is not your unborn baby's fault. Mostly people who are not well mentally are the ones who claim that their unexpected babies were a bad decision. You will have to be stronger and overcome bigger hurdles, but overall it will make you two stronger. Work together. Communicate. Love.

I don't know how old your other children are, but it is amazing how much they step up to the plate when needed. Set that expectation with them. They have responsibilities now along with you. Raise that kid. There is no shortage of love within us and you will surprise yourself.
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post #13 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 09:59 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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so many women do, and you will love that child as you do your other children.
As a child who mother was talked out of an abortion, please lets not spread this rhetoric that birth somehow transforms all women into caring mothers who just blossom into glowing love for their children. My mother has never cared for me the way she felt about me the way she feels about my siblings whom were planned. It's been obvious my entire life, let's please not spread this crap.
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post #14 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:04 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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As a child who mother was talked out of an abortion, please lets not spread this rhetoric that birth somehow transforms all women into caring mothers who just blossom into glowing love for their children. My mother has never cared for me the way she felt about me the way she feels about my siblings whom were planned. It's been obvious my entire life, let's please not spread this crap.
That may have been the case for you, which is sad, but don't assume that always the case. I have known many couples who had an unplanned baby who was much loved and they never regretted having that baby.
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post #15 of 89 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:12 PM
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Re: my husband won't let me have an abortion

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That may have been the case for you, which is sad, but don't assume that always the case. I have known many couples who had an unplanned baby who was much loved and they never regretted having that baby.
I don't assume it's always the case, but I think this "just rise the love up out of you" stuff doesn't work for all people. Also, the number of people who will actually honestly confess to anyone else they regret their kids even if they seriously do is small, it's understood as an unspeakable thing to say.
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