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my husband won't let me have an abortion

27K views 93 replies 29 participants last post by  Cynthia 
#1 ·
I'm new here and i hope you could help me...
i've been married for 8 years now and i have two boys, 2 weeks ago i found out that i'm eight weeks pregnant (obviously ten now) and i've decided to have an abortion but when i told my husband about it he refused to let me. The news of my pregnancy made him happy but i don't think i want or can have another baby now. i tried explaining that to him and tell him that we can have another baby later but he wouldnt listen... even my own mother agrees with him and she told me to keep the baby...
i really don't know what to do.. i'm just not ready but they don't understand that...
what should i do?:frown2:
 
#4 ·
I can fully understand that your husband doesn't want you to kill your baby(which is also his). I am sure you will both manage, so many women do, and you will love that child as you do your other children.After that one of you can get permanently sterilised to avoid this happening again.

I also understand your mum. I would be devastated if one of my grandchildren was killed in this way.
 
#6 ·
he just said he wants to have the baby...
i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...
 
#7 ·
How old are your two children?

I get the impression that your husband is not anti-abortion. He just wants this child. Is that right?

Are you having any complications with this pregnancy?

Did you have complications during those pregnancies?

Did you have any PPD after either of them?

I get exactly what you are saying that you are just too exhausted right now to do this.

If your husband and mother are pushing you to not have an abortion, then ask them what extra support they are willing to give you to help you carry this baby.

Do they believe you, when you tell them that you are too exhausted and don't think you can do go through with this pregnancy?

What I think I'm seen here is that you are telling them that you have a serious problem with not felling physically and mentally capable of this pregnancy. And they are not listening and/or do not care.

Have you talked to your doctor about how tired you are? Is there any help you can get from your doctor?

If you abort this baby your marriage is probably over.

If you don't abort this baby, you might end up so run down that you cannot function well. And your marriage might be over because your husband is dismissing your very real concerns.

(I am not a huge proponent of abortion. But have sort of been where the OP is and think I understand what she is saying.)
 
#9 ·
they're 7 and 3 years old

right

it's not that i don't think it's the right time

yes, i almost lost second baby

yes

they just say it will change once i give birth

thanks a lot for understanding, really.. it's just a hard decision that's going to wreck my family either way and i'm just afraid...

and no i do not work
 
#11 ·
No it wont wreck your family either way, you will have a very reasonable age gap with your other children, as has been said ask your family for more help. If you are very tired go and see the doctor, you may be anaemic. Have you told your husband why you are so worried? Does he help when he is around?

Mine were aged 4 and 7 when I had my third, yes its a busy time but well worth it. You maye well have deep regrets if you kill this baby, so many women do. I am sure that in time you will be so glad that you didn't abort this child.
 
#12 ·
For another reason I signed up for this forum and before I could post my troubles and saw your post and felt compelled to reply.

When I got a verse tome, I had to go through an emotional evaluation to prove that I really wanted it, and my wife had to sign it. The point is that it is not a negotiation on either part, but a joint decision.

Five years ago my wife and I had two incredible children and we discussed whether or not we should have a third. The end result of the conversation was a consensus to not try, but not NOT try for a month and if it happened, it happened.

While we were having sex a month later, I came inside her (we used the pull out method). She freaked out because she had changed her mind and neglected to tell me. Sure enough, she got pregnant with our third at a time when we didn't think we could handle it. We decided to go forth with the pregnancy and now we have three kids.

It's hard. It's not easy. Raising three young kids and trying to do the right thing. We have less time. We see less of each other. And I would not have changed my decision for the world. My life without my third would be less full than my life with him. Our family is stronger. We make it work. No matter what.

The point is, communication before, during, and after having a baby is key. The fact that the communication did not happen beforehand is not your unborn baby's fault. Mostly people who are not well mentally are the ones who claim that their unexpected babies were a bad decision. You will have to be stronger and overcome bigger hurdles, but overall it will make you two stronger. Work together. Communicate. Love.

I don't know how old your other children are, but it is amazing how much they step up to the plate when needed. Set that expectation with them. They have responsibilities now along with you. Raise that kid. There is no shortage of love within us and you will surprise yourself.
 
#13 ·
so many women do, and you will love that child as you do your other children.
As a child who mother was talked out of an abortion, please lets not spread this rhetoric that birth somehow transforms all women into caring mothers who just blossom into glowing love for their children. My mother has never cared for me the way she felt about me the way she feels about my siblings whom were planned. It's been obvious my entire life, let's please not spread this crap.
 
#18 · (Edited)
@Red Sonja I'm not doing what you claim, I have been there and done that with my wife, neither of us regret the abortion at all, and are perfectly okay with it, and given identical circumstances as discussed this morning would make the same decision.

Plus I can relate that neither my wife nor I have ever suffered from any mental illness, depression, anxiety et al and have thus never been on medication for the same.

As someone who has actually been there and done that, I think it is appalling that some people in this discussion have been using this discussion to vilify those who have faced this. All I have done is challenge some of that vilification.

Participants here should make no mistake, not all of us have a problem with it and some of us given the right circumstances consider the decision to abort a very sensible one.
 
#19 ·
If you can't handle a third...consider Adoption over abortion. So many women can't conceive and would do anything for a baby. Please don't kill one because the timing is bad and your tired. Imagine the regret. My one friend who did this was haunted by it the rest of her life. She had two boys already, and like you, was just exhausted. It tuned out it was not the right choice for her. Please be completely sure before you kill your baby.
 
#20 ·
Please, debating abortion is really not going to help Snow. It's pretty clear that she knows all the arguments pro and con.

She has stated a problem that she has. She does not feel capable of handling the pregnancy.

How about actually helping her and lets find out why she feels this way and what kind of support she needs.

The thread jack of arguing the pros and cons of the abortion debate will be deleted. (speaking as a moderator)
 
#28 ·
Making a baby is certainly a "team project" and as such, so is it's raising!

I agree with your H: It takes two votes to not want that beautiful child!

To wit: Keep this precious baby, but shortly after its birth, go get your tubes tied or have your hubby undergo an immediate vasectomy!
 
#36 · (Edited)
-A full time nanny. (Monday thru Friday 8am to 7pm; one of the two kids in School all that time too!)

-Unprotected sex without a condom betweeen two married adults results in pregnancy...:surprise:
(If my husband was using a condom or not, I know it before he sticks it in, it's not like putting it on happens in another room in secret without your sexual partner knowing it! There's opening it, putting it on etc. If I have went off the pill, and this is the birth control WE AS A COUPLE are using, that d!ck wouldn't be in me without a condom if I don't want any more kids. I don't buy the "tricked" excuse when an innocent life is now at stake.)

-Wants to kill the baby because she's tired from not working and watching a nanny raise her 2 kids that are noisy.

-She depressed some of you say. Killing her child will help that?

This is BEYOND logic for me. I'm out.
 
#39 ·
A full time nanny.
Unprotected sex without a condom betweeen two married adults results in pregnancy...:surprise:
Wants to kill the baby because she's tired from not working and watching a nanny raise her 2 kids that are noisy.

I'm out.
Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.
 
#37 ·
It really should be a joint decision about the abortion. My thinking here is that even though it will be tiring, you will make it through and will learn to love the third child. But, I would only agree to do this if he agrees to a vasectomy. It seems like your husband tricked you into this and doesn't respect your wishes very well. That doesn't bode well for your marriage. Your husband really isn't much of a father. Yes, he works hard so you can raise the kids with the help of a nanny. But, children need a father figure in their life. He is failing in that regard.

If you abort, you'll likely end up in a divorce. That certainly isn't a desirable situation, even if your husband doesn't act as a father should. I would see a doctor about your tiredness, look into having the nanny help more, and also look into whether you may still suffer from PPD.

This will not be easy on you and may destroy your marriage in the end if you resent your husband over it. But, if you do have this child, make sure to love him as you do your other children. Relish the fun parts and trudge through the hard parts.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
 
#38 ·
One other option, you could consider daycare for your children instead of a nanny. You could get a job and work while they are in daycare. That would give you a chance to get away from family life a while each day. My wife and I both are professionals with full time jobs. We also have no family close by. So, that's what we did. Both of my children started daycare very young. They are both teenagers now and things worked out well.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
 
#52 ·
I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow.. I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.
 
#53 ·
It feels like an attack because you didn't realize it was rape under the law.

You just figured he was being a jerk, and he was.

I get that you somehow didn't realize he wasn't using a condom until it was too late. Though, I find that horribly difficult to understand, I am a man, so it is possible I can't understand. I don't know what it's like to be a woman.

Help? Here it is. It is not illegal to have an abortion for whatever reason you decide, in the U.S. If you want to get one, the best place to go and decide is to a clinic which provides such services.

If you are a religious believer and your faith says it should not be done for some reason, then I'd suggest you go to your pastor and talk with him/her.

You may want to do both.

So far, I didn't mention anything about the abortion. This post changes that.

My stance on abortion doesn't matter. It's yours that matters, and your husband's.

If you don't talk to him first about this and get his opinions, you will certainly be leaving him out of an important decision.

That will likely go badly, even if he sees your side of things.

You need to talk with him about this condom thing and his promises. That's a big problem. He was wrong to do that to you. I don't care whether he wants another child or not. He was dead wrong.

I hope that helps you to feel better.
 
#56 ·
God forbid she actually TRUSTED her husband to do what he said he would (condom). Now it's her fault for not trusting the person she is married to? I don't believe this is rape, but I do believe he USED her to suit his own desires. He did so through deception. What part of that is her fault? What part of that is RIGHT?

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
 
#60 ·
You are not sure that your husband is faithful? If you cannot answer this with assurance, there are things going on in your marriage that are likely part of the problems you are having in dealing with your pregnancy. Obviously your husband wanted another child and went about getting one in a way that causes you to not trust him to have your back. A significant part of marriage is doing life together. This requires having each other's backs and making decisions together. If you feel powerless in your marriage, that can cause all sorts of other problems making you feel like your life is out of control.

Even the title of your thread has helpless and powerless written all over it. I think the key to finding some area of power that you can start with and build from there. Not to overpower your husband, but to be on equal footing with him and able to have your needs met.

I'm glad that you have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and believe that you will be glad that you did, but in the meantime, I recommend you develop a real understanding of what is causing your distress and how you can resolve it so that you no longer feel exhausted, but you feel energetic and happy.
 
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