[DalllasPink]

I will try and make this as short as possible. So I've been with my hubby for over 6 years before we finally got a civil ceremony. We are doing the ceremonial wedding in april. Next thing is that he has an older sister who is a very big control freak. She is extremely succesful and thus thinks her word is gold. I've tried being nice to her and right when I think w emight get along, something else will come along. A few examples
- She rarely returns my phone calls even when I call to wish her happy birthday.
-She doesn't even thank me when I got her new born baby boy some gifts and sent it with my hubby (bf at the time) when he went to visit. (We lived on the other end of the country and I couldnt make it).
- My hubby and I graduated from medschool and are applying for residency positions. She told hubby the only reason I got many interviews is becasue Im a girl....seriously? I don't mean to be braggy but I think I deserve it.

- And now, the latest addition (the last straw in my mind as I've let ALL the other incidents slide).
-Since we don;t have jobs right now his parents are paying for my ring. (which is common in Indian traditions. My husband and I are both American but of Indian origin). She messaged me saying " I I need to know what kind of ring you want. We all want a 10 karat ring but my parents are paying for it and not my brother so it has to be reasonable".

Honestly speaking, REALLY bothered me. My family is getting her jewellery as well (traditions yet again, although I'm tempted to give her a piece of coal and call it a day!) Anyway, I would never ever consider telling her "my parents are paying for your jewellery so make it reasonable!" Just typing it out makes me feel like I'm being extremely rude.

I called her today and told her I appreciate all her help but that her comment was a tad bit unecessary.

She lost it on me and told me that it was a joke and that I am going to cause problems for everyone if I dont grow up. I said I didn't really think it was funny and I felt like it wasn't nice especially since I would obviously be reasonable. She got really angry and even went as far as to say "Im doing you a favor by letting you have a say in your ring instead of just picking it out for you." Like wow . She just continued to yell at me until my hubby just took the phone from me. She then proceeded to yell at him too , especially for getting involved and taking my side.

I've had it with her! I really am at my wits end and don't know what ot do. If it truly was a joke why not just say "Hey it was a joke Sorry you took it that way" but instead she got angry and started yelling.

I apologize for the length but I really really just don't know what to do ! Hubby's mad now since he feels like he's stuck in the middle. I feel so alone!

[CantePe]

Amazon.com: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage (9780060507855): Susan Forward: Books

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blac...d_rhf_se_shvl1

http://www.amazon.com/When-Difficult..._rhf_se_shvl29

These three books saved my sanity when it comes to SIL\FIL.

[EleGirl]

I think you got some good advice about your problem from CantePe above.

But I have a question. Could you elaborate on the custom of the grooms family buying the ring... and the brides family buying jewelry? Who does the brides family buy jewelry for and what kind? This is a custom I am not aware of so I'm curious.

Thanks

[Cooper]

Here's an idea, buy your own ring. Yes I know you don't have any money but so what, will a 10K ring make you any more married than a ring that cost a dollar? You are Americans, start new customs and live life how you like, the in laws can only bother you as much as you let them.

[FirstYearDown]

Whenever I see posts from first generation Americans, my heart swells with recognition. It is so easy for others to say "Do whatever you want" because they don't understand how rigid cultural traditions are. Everyone is a a product of their environment and culture plays a huge role in the way people live their lives.

My husband comes from a reserved WASP clan, while I come from a loud and emotional Caribbean family. When we didn't allow my parents to plan a splashy wedding for me and eloped, we were cut off for about a year. It is tradition that a daughter have a large wedding paid for by her father. Sons can have elope or have small weddings, but daughters are required to be a showpiece. My husband was uncomfortable with how overbearing my mother was and I didn't want to let her think that she could control our lives after the wedding. I did what would have been best for the boundaries of our marriage, but it came at a heavy price.

So do whatever you like, but be prepared for the inevitable fallout. Your SIL has been very rude and you were right to confront her about the ring comments. Discuss this with your husband and come to an agreement about what you will and will not tolerate from his family.