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post #16 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

Seems like normal growing pains to me, @peacem!

She will likely have a better time at Uni. I was a very old soul odd duck until my mind 20s but had plenty of like minded Nerd friends at Uni. My cousin sounds a lot like your daughter and she's been graduated for over a year. She only had one good friend in college then found more kindred spirits at Uni, and she's kept in touch

She'll find her own way.


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #17 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

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Does she try to invite some of the girls to do things with her? Will she be in a dorm when she goes to the university?
If the popular girls in her year actively dislike her because of jealousy or anything else,this would be a bad move.They would discourage anyone from hanging out with her and kids that age are mostly like sheep they will follow the lead of whoever leads the way.She will then feel awful because nobody wants to hang out with her.She will do much better in college when she is with her peers.
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post #18 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

College is a totally different ballgame from high school. If she chooses to join some social organizations she will make plenty of friends.

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post #19 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

Don't worry about her making friends at university. Every introverted, nerdy person in the history of the world has enjoyed university more than high school. Finally she will be surrounded by people who genuinely find academic subjects interesting. There's nothing better than having a geeky conversation about Greek philosophers until 3 am. And into obscure 80's music with a quirky fashion sense? She'll be surprised at how many people are just like that. She has absolutely nothing to worry about at university.

But your challenge now is how to keep her spirits up. At that age, it's very easy to think you are defective because you don't fit it with some group. She likely would be very happy listening to her esoteric music alone in her room, but because that doesn't fit with what the other kids are doing, she thinks poorly about herself. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. The problem comes about when she feels bad about being an introvert.

In my opinion, don't worry that she doesn't have friends now. Don't try to encourage it. That may make her feel worse if she tries and it doesn't work out. The year is almost over anyway.

What I would suggest is to make her feel great about herself just the way she is. Look up the bands she likes and see if they are touring in your area and take her to a concert. Take her shopping at stores that have clothes she likes. If she comes home during her frees, welcome her with a big smile and her favorite lunch. Do whatever you can to make her feel great about herself so she doesn't care if she doesn't fit in at college. If she loves herself, she won't care if she doesn't have a bunch of friends.

She'll still be an introvert when she goes to university, but she'll be a confident introvert who will make friends if she wants to--or won't if she doesn't. Either way, she'll be happy with herself.
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post #20 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 08:35 PM
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

It happens. DD 1 used to be a social butterfly in high school. Extroverted to no end. Then she found her calling in college (design major), and over a period of four years turned into the North Korea of people 😁

Now she's in grad school and in a relatively remote college town. She has a significant other in the same major but knows nobody else. Her best buddy is her 22 lb Maine Coon cat known as Mies van der Rohe. Best $1000 we ever spent (Mies is purebred from a renowned breeder of white Coons)

Maybe your daughter could benefit from a companion animal?
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post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

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It happens. DD 1 used to be a social butterfly in high school. Extroverted to no end. Then she found her calling in college (design major), and over a period of four years turned into the North Korea of people 😁

Now she's in grad school and in a relatively remote college town. She has a significant other in the same major but knows nobody else. Her best buddy is her 22 lb Maine Coon cat known as Mies van der Rohe. Best $1000 we ever spent (Mies is purebred from a renowned breeder of white Coons)

Maybe your daughter could benefit from a companion animal?
'North Korea of people' - lol That's me! No to pets, been there done that - I end up taking 100% responsibility for them. She needs a boyfriend. But in her own time.
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post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

There's a book called "Quiet: The power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking". Have her read it, you and your husband read it also.

First thing she needs to learn is she has incredible value to the people she loves and the world in general. Just by how you described her I would bet her emotional depth is much greater than most people, and that's one of the things that make it hard for her to connect. Most people live their life superficially, nobody wants to always be thinking and feeling, yet introverts can't help it, she needs to understand that's OK. She may go thru her life with only a handful of friends, but the depths of those friendships are what's important.

I very much relate to your daughter, even though I'm now a grown man. Both my kids went thru exactly what your daughter is now going thru. The hardest thing to do is be the first to reach out, you mentioned these people never invite her to do anything, I would bet she never invites them to do anything either. Seeing how my kids were I forced myself to initiate social situations for them, heck when they were young I would call the other kids parents myself. Have a bon fire, take the kids to an amusement park or swim park, treat them to a concert, take them camping or rent a cabin for the weekend.

Another thing I did with my kids was hire a life coach, that was a great experience for them. She would give them homework forcing them out of their comfort zone. Some of it was learning it is Ok to be alone, go to a movie or go eat at a restaurant by themselves. Other times she would pretty much force them to initiate contact with someone, while in her office she would have the kids call someone and make plans.

Maybe I'm off the mark with why you daughter is how she is, but you description of her fits me and my kids perfectly. Get the Quiet book, first she needs to understand there's nothing "wrong" with her, she just needs to learn to live within her parameters.
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post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 11:21 AM
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

I have been like this all my life as well; I always feel like the outsider.

I’m 49 now, and just yesterday this hit me pretty hard.

The intellectual man in me tells me I do not care.

The emotional little boy in me is hurt.

We are all who we are and must be conscious as to why these things occur, even though we not be able to fix them. I seek out other like me and am lucky that my wife is cut from the same cloth. We must remember to love ourselves 1st everything/body is 2nd at best.

I will say that after high school when i got control of my own life everything did get much better.

I'll 2nd the book "Quiet: The power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking"; great book; I've read it twice.

I was thinking of starting my own thread here on this, then I found yours here this morning.

Very helpfull & thank you

Last edited by Max.HeadRoom; 03-04-2017 at 11:27 AM.
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post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

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I have been like this all my life as well; I always feel like the outsider.

Iím 49 now, and just yesterday this hit me pretty hard.

The intellectual man in me tells me I do not care.

The emotional little boy in me is hurt.

We are all who we are and must be conscious as to why these things occur, even though we not be able to fix them. I seek out other like me and am lucky that my wife is cut from the same cloth. We must remember to love ourselves 1st everything/body is 2nd at best.

I will say that after high school when i got control of my own life everything did get much better.

I'll 2nd the book "Quiet: The power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking"; great book; I've read it twice.

I was thinking of starting my own thread here on this, then I found yours here this morning.

Very helpfull & thank you
Hi

What tends to happen to us all at some point in our lives, as both children and adults, is we compare ourselves to what others are doing.

So my daughter would love to go to a nightclub and stay out all night and get drunk (the experiences she hears from her peers). However she also hates alcohol, likes her sleep and tends towards early nights, does not like loud or modern music. Yet she feels she is missing out and causes anxiety.

The truth is - many of the girls that are doing those things are doing it just to feel they are experiencing 'youth' and it gives them a satisfaction of just fitting in. Many grow out of this when they reach adulthood and start being themselves (even if that means being a little boring). Whilst others never seem to stop wanting to be part of the crowd - I have seen middle age men/women looking rather desperate to impress rather than just be themselves.

A friend of mine has a husband just like that. A friend of his bought a very expensive sports car which gets him lots of attention. My friend told me she could see the look of jealousy in her husbands eyes when he sees the car - but they are stony broke. So he turned up one day with a 'vintage' sports car that is basically a pile of junk that he plans to 'do up'. 2 years later is is rusting on his drive (he has no real passion for cars or mechanics, it is wanting to impress his friends and be part of what he *thinks* makes him look like successful 50 year old male.

So the way I see it, it is important to be ourselves even if it doesn't fit into what society sees as 'successful'. If having lots of friends and a busy social life is important to a person then this is great, but many people feel stressed out by constantly being invited to things and having lots of people to juggle and please. There are many people who are just happy in their own skin and their own company or the company of one or two people. If we didn't compare our lives to others we would be happier to just be who we are....and enjoy life.

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post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

At 50 I am certainly not missing out on anything and for the most part Iím very happy with my wife, life, Home and job(sort of).

I work very well with everyone, but I play well with no one. The latter is my issue.

I July 2016 I was promoted to the job above me. I have been offered it and have turned it down 12 times. This last time no was not an option. More money, more interesting work and a team that wants to play together(team building). They sense Iím different and are now excluding me. My fallback is just to work circles around them all; this has worked for me in the past as I find the work fun.

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post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 02:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My daughter doesn't fit in

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At 50 I am certainly not missing out on anything and for the most part I’m very happy with my wife, life, Home and job(sort of).

I work very well with everyone, but I play well with no one. The latter is my issue.

I July 2016 I was promoted to the job above me. I have been offered it and have turned it down 12 times. This last time no was not an option. More money, more interesting work and a team that wants to play together(team building). They sense I’m different and are now excluding me. My fallback is just to work circles around them all; this has worked for me in the past as I find the work fun.
This is similar to my H - he avoids work social events as he finds large groups too much and says he has nothing in common. However, over the past couple of years he has started just doing lunch with a couple of quieter colleagues and this suits him perfectly. It sounds like your self esteem comes from your work satisfaction and doing a good job. I think 'fitting in' at work becomes less important if you enjoy your work and you have a happy home life. Sounds great actually.
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