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post #31 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 05:49 AM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
I just got a surprised visit from my son's girlfriend or such I say ex-girlfriend. She took the day off from school to come see me because my idiot of a son broke up with her. I asked her what happen and she said she does not know. He would not talk to her. She heard from some friends that he was talking about breaking up with her. So, she asked why and he said it was complicated and did not want to talk about it. WTF?

So, she was crying and ask me if I knew anything. I said no but he was just a stupid boy, who can't express his feelings well. So, after having a long talk with her and trying to reassure her that she will be ok, I found out she went to Mexico and saw an old friend there. So, I think someone of those foolish kids told my son that she saw a boy there and now he thinks that she cheated. The old friend was never a boyfriend, just someone who knows her family. So, my son and his friends decided she cheated and they all stop speaking to her.

Young people drama.

Last night, I gave my son a bottle of perfume for her because I did not like it and thought she might like it. My son told me that I should stop giving her stuff and not to get too close to her. Not realizing he was already broken up with her. I asked if everything was alright and he said mum, you don't need to know everything about me.

I am trying to get him to learn to talk but nothing is working with this boy.

She is such a nice girl and I really liked her. My son is a good kid, with no problems expect his addiction to his Xbox. He is involued in a lot of sports and is involved in youth development and leadership. So, he is always busy and is only home on Sundays. He has taken classes on communication and he does speech/debate, so how on earth he can't talk to his girlfriend?

Anyone with similar stories/trials?
I wish I had good problem solving advise to give you but I just don't, my son is the same way. When in high school his girlfriend came over crying to my wife (now ex) that she didn't think our son loved her because he didn't talk, and she was going to break up with him. It turned into a big drama fiasco between my son and his mom because she kept pushing and pushing him, she wanted a million details and he just wanted for her to stay out of it. So I asked my son, "what's going on with you and katie?" son says "I never really liked her that much", I say "OK". That's guy talk, those million details a woman needs to hear were all summed up in "I never really liked her that much".

My point is maybe your son does communicate in his own way, maybe you just haven't figured out how to listen.

Here's is one nugget of advise I will give you, stay out of the kids personal life unless they come to you to talk. My kids are 26 (daughter) and 23(son), both are semi estranged from their mom because she doesn't respect boundaries. I know the girl came to you crying and looking for a sympathetic ear, but that should have been the end of it. Not sure how you found out from others that she had been to Mexico unless you did some prying. What you should have did was say "son, ex girlfriend stopped over today very upset that you had broken up with her, she doesn't really understand why, let me know if there's anything I can do to help or if you want to talk" Give him a hug and ask if he's OK, if he says "yup" then let it go.

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post #32 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:52 PM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I have identified your problem for you. Is it any surprise that a young man whose Mother posts on a message boy calling him a stupid boy has some trouble talking about his feelings?

Your completely dismissive of him. I wonder if he has learned not to bother because of this. Guys are to dumb to talk about their feelings as we know. /s
THIS!!! My sentiments exactly. The "stupid" reference answered everything for me. Being an adult "child" of parents who always seem baffled that my siblings and I don't let them "in" anymore than we do...I can tell you right off the bat: NOTHING is more frustrating and demeaning than your dismissive approach to your child and how that causes you to invalidate his feelings/needs/opinions/hurts/emotions/etc. Even if you don't call him "stupid" to his face, the fact that you think of him that way will inevitably come across in how you relate to him.

His refusal to communicate is probably a coping mechanism that he has learned to protect himself. And given your choice of descriptors, it is WELL justified.

Sorry if that's harsh, but this one strikes a familiar nerve for me...
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post #33 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:41 AM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
You think I am judging him?

I thought I was just trying to understand him. It's kinda hard to listen to him when he does not speak.

I totally understand that maybe she is not the one for him. And he has ever right to keep his feeling to himself. I just don't want him to become one of those men who can't communicate.
In your initial post you called your son stupid.


Stupid....

Idiot.....


And you wonder why he has a hard time communicating with you and other females? He knows you see him this way, so he takes his feelings to peers....who do not think he is stupid.

This girlfriend that you hold in so high esteem has crap for boundaries. He knows it and he did the healthy, wise thing by showing her the door. You should be supporting him and lauding him for his smart and very mature handling of the situation.
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post #34 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:47 AM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

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Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
LOL, wrong TAM forum logic, this isn't CWI. They aren't married and they are High School teens. TAM logic, in this case, is they are too young to be serious and he needs to make mistakes.
But he didn't make a mistake. I'd say the kid is quite savvy. He saw her little trip to Mexico as a slap in the face, and I don't blame him.
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post #35 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:34 AM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
In your initial post you called your son stupid.


Stupid....

Idiot.....


And you wonder why he has a hard time communicating with you and other females? He knows you see him this way, so he takes his feelings to peers....who do not think he is stupid.

This girlfriend that you hold in so high esteem has crap for boundaries. He knows it and he did the healthy, wise thing by showing her the door. You should be supporting him and lauding him for his smart and very mature handling of the situation.
Words of wisdom.

Read and re-read... particularly about him knowing you see him this way.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #36 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

I have learned a long time ago that opening up to a women just dosen't work at least with all the women in my life.......mother sister girlfriend and wives. They don't really hear what I'm saying and put words in my mouth and try to read between the lines and the vast majority of the time they will use it against you when ever they can twist what you say to fit their logic instead of listening and taking what I am saying at face value.

hun does my ass look fat in these jeans

no you look great come over hear and show you bare ass you sexy thing.

your just saying that because your my husband.




hey hun I really wish we could spice up our sex life

what you don't like the way I make love!!!!


so its a lose lose situation when dealing with someone who rearranges what your trying to communicate and then throws it in your face and acts all bothered and pissed because we tried to communicate with them.




I was appalled by your reference to your son as stupid. wow just because he wants to decide who he likes In your mind that makes him stupid.


did this girl tell your son she met an old boyfriend in mexico? or did she keep it quiet if she kept it quiet then she is devious. hope she learned her lesson.

maybe there were other things your son didn't like about her maybe shes a prude and won't take care of his needs or their sexual style don't match up and after her trip to mexico he just figured F this shes not for me.
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post #37 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

Cheaters start young. I had two high school girlfriends two-time me. I did what the OP's son did and broke up with both of them pronto. Never spoke to them again.

Sure enough, one of them got married years later and ended up driving her marriage into the ground with serial cheating.

Don't punish your son for having self-respect.
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post #38 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

So I have been giving this topic some thought. I think most people here hit my thoughts. I think part of the issue (as mentioned already), the OP has referred to her son as stupid and an idiot. Now, I would hope the OP hasn't actually called her son this to his face (and I do understand some of this is just venting online), but don't be surprised if just through conversation he has gotten that impression she feels this way about him. Right there that is a big negative.

According to the opening post, the OP called her son a "stupid boy" to his ex. So you not only are actually calling him stupid in person to someone, but now it appears that you decided to take the side of his ex. Another huge negative here (if I was your son, regardless of whether I was right or wrong, I would hope you would ultimately have my back, which in this case it doesn't appear so). Also, what happens if the son talks to his ex and she says the OP referred to him as a stupid boy?

I think the bigger issue, it is clear the OP has some sort of bias against men (young?). Just look at these quotes:

Quote:
I just don't want him to become one of those men who can't communicate.
Quote:
I think it's young men. The girls are still taking. And the boys are still internalizing everything and can't express themselves. This is his second relationship. The first one broke up with him because he needed to speak more and he would not talk that much to her. So, she end things. Now here we are agAIN.
So just because two people (or I guess how you view it men/women) communicate differently, you view communication done differently then how the females do as an inability to communicate Who says these girls are talking? Who says their way of communication is any better? I may actually start a separate thread on this topic b/c it is an interesting discussion.

I bolded part of the quote above, b/c once again, it appears you are taking the side of his first GF (i.e. it was all his fault, he needed to talk more and didn't).

Not trying to bash you at all @brooklynAnn . However, I think taking the approach where your son has to communicate like a female, or taking the female side of things over him, I can guarantee you that he has sensed this, and will only push him further away from openly communicating with you.
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post #39 of 41 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:08 PM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
But he didn't make a mistake.
Let's try this one more time.

TAM logic, in this forum is to say kids make mistakes and not go immediately to cheating. The mistake I am talking about is blaming CWI TAM logic for something in the parenting forum. He may or may not have made a mistake, neither you, nor I nor his mom know anything and we are all just guessing. She thinks it is a mistake so, I'm not going to argue her conclusion or your "...but..but he's savvy" comment. He's a teen, therefore let him make mistakes and learn form them unless they are going to SERIOUSLY impede or damage his life. Breaking up with a girl your mom likes isn't in my top ten of life altering or damaging events. Taking her side is bad and will affect their relationship.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 03-17-2017 at 12:12 PM.
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post #40 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
I just got a surprised visit from my son's girlfriend or such I say ex-girlfriend. She took the day off from school to come see me because my idiot of a son broke up with her. I asked her what happen and she said she does not know. He would not talk to her. She heard from some friends that he was talking about breaking up with her. So, she asked why and he said it was complicated and did not want to talk about it. WTF?

So, she was crying and ask me if I knew anything. I said no but he was just a stupid boy, who can't express his feelings well. So, after having a long talk with her and trying to reassure her that she will be ok, I found out she went to Mexico and saw an old friend there. So, I think someone of those foolish kids told my son that she saw a boy there and now he thinks that she cheated. The old friend was never a boyfriend, just someone who knows her family. So, my son and his friends decided she cheated and they all stop speaking to her.

Young people drama.

Last night, I gave my son a bottle of perfume for her because I did not like it and thought she might like it. My son told me that I should stop giving her stuff and not to get too close to her. Not realizing he was already broken up with her. I asked if everything was alright and he said mum, you don't need to know everything about me.

I am trying to get him to learn to talk but nothing is working with this boy.

She is such a nice girl and I really liked her. My son is a good kid, with no problems expect his addiction to his Xbox. He is involued in a lot of sports and is involved in youth development and leadership. So, he is always busy and is only home on Sundays. He has taken classes on communication and he does speech/debate, so how on earth he can't talk to his girlfriend?

Anyone with similar stories/trials?
Sounds to me like you're too involved in your son's relationship.

I remember getting dumped by girls for the exact same reasons your son gave so it's not just boys


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post #41 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Why are young men having such a difficult time communicating

Kudos to you brooklynAnn for not raising some panzyass Nancy who thinks he needs to alter his wants and ways to please a girl - and explain himself.
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