Thanks everyone and @frusdil
(glad you replied).
I think it is a very good idea that the siblings get together as did H. One of the siblings is a real trouble maker (its like dealing with a small child), but the others totally understand and are good people.
One issue that is going on at the moment is both MILs brother and sister are very ill with dementia. They are living in their own homes but have a great family support system where they are taking turns to care. One relative has even moved in with his dad. MIL appears to be incredibly jealous and is lashing out at them (telling them they are being selfish etc) and at the same time ramping up her own demands to be looked after more by her (terrible ungrateful children). Its a confusing paradox but that's the world of a narc.
She changes her will at breathtaking frequency depending on who is in favour. I started a thread a while ago about her changing her will so her daughter will be the beneficiary. Now she has fallen out with her, she wants my husband to be the sole beneficiary with the agreement that he looks after them in their old age and they do not go into care. My husband has told her he DOES NOT want to be included in the will and that they need to release equity to pay for someone to go into their home and help. (She is not happy about this).
Yes h is totally aware of the games she plays. But at the end of the day its his mum.
Peace.... your story sure brought flashbacks. I was lucky, I had a great MiL. She was my 2nd mom. Most... are nowhere near that lucky.
My mother and I were close. She had a heart attack in summer 2015. She seemed in great spirits after the triple by. What did her in was... the mini strokes. For her last year (Fall '15 to Fall '16), she was Jekyll / Hyde. She had two older sisters but they had already passed. Her one brother had died the year before her HA. While mom cared for him... he became mean and violent.
Her remaining sister... well....let's just say I do not recognize her as family and barely a human being. I can name 5 disorders she would fit right into. But let's just say.. drama queen who loves to stirschit. When mom's dementia started, it was hardly noticeable. In hindsight, it had started around five years earlier.
Mom would regress to the teen / early 20s hot mess she was in the 1960s (picture Raquelel Welch). Mom would try to play her sister and I. I know I knew it, I don't know if her sister did or not but if it garnished her attention, she wanted it. At first... with me, mom wasn't bad. Basic guilt trips over very petty things. As mom revved up her anger, I began instituting boundaries.
Peace...... this is where I can relate with your H and you are very understanding of his situation. Up until mom's mini strokes, we were close. The one person in the world I could trust 100%. When she changed, to me, it was like she slowly died. But she knew she could push me, even though I would stop talking to her for periods of time. (At this time, it was already know she had cancer in stomach and she refused to have it looked at). She knew she could run to her sister and say (insert anything, I mistreated her, I cussed her, I starved her) "save me."
You'd have to know her sister.... you can only take her presence for short periods of time. Then... she would run her off, and call crying to me. This push / pull she had with her sister and I went on for about eight months. As a last resort and olive branch, I had her start moving in with me. (She did not want to go to one, her family(s) weren't that way. Plus they would make her go outside to smoke. Ration her cigarettes. Trying that with her is like kicking a pit bull and finding out he wasn't chained up)
She was great the first couple weeks. Then.... the cussing, how sorry a son I was, crap that stung. And..... when I refused to listen to her degrade me, I went into my bedroom, locked the door. She kicked, hit the door, broke the lock, slammed the door knob into closet door. I told her to leave or I will call the police. "I'll tell your a$$ this, if abortions were legal in 1971, I would have aborted you.'
Next day told her to leave, start getting her stuff moved back to her apartment. This.... Peace... will probably be what your H will be in for. I am glad to say, mom and I did not speak for three months... until the hospital called. God dementia had ravaged her, even worse than the cancer. We made our peace and I was at her bedside her last night her... talking about Christmas' past and how much of an ornery schit I was as a kid.
But it took it's toll on me.... and I am the alpha / IDGAF type. Mom wasn't herself for the last year, I accepted that. I remember who she was.
Peace... your H wants to make both of you happy. Two most important people in the world to most men, his mother and his W. But when you have a family, kids...parents have to understand. When I first got M, she had child from previous M, mom vanished like a fart. She didn't want to come between my M.
Heck I meant to give you advice and this came out. Well... I don't talk about it much so... for what it's worth. The advice you have already received..... is very sound and correct.