my wife and her mother and their relationship - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-03-2012, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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my wife and her mother and their relationship


Hope you can help because I am at my absolute teather and can't face a life with my wife to be and mother in law.

My fiance is very close to her mother, like most girls. Unfortunately, not only is she close to her, her mother is her best friend. So not only do I contend with a mother in law, I contend with a mother in law who is a best friend.

She used to ring at all hours until I persuaded my wife to put a 9pm limit there so we can have our own time, but that is raw with them, and they my wife or MIL donít like it and occassionally still rings her mobile at 10pm saying sorry itís only a quick question

Generally her mother treats her like a 12 year old. Pulls her away from me to hug her, if we are sitting down she will pull my fiance to her and craddle her and kiss her head (We are both 26!!)

My fiance sees nothing wrong though and I am the bad guy for having a vendetta against her mother. I just want her to cut the cord a little and for her mother to let us live. my fiance speaks to her everyday and tells her everything that we do.

Her mother is very demanding of her attention and time, and tells her to cheer up if she goes to visit and isn't all happy and smiley. She has had a go at me for not being happy and I told her I am what I am, I won't change.

I am just petrified. I don't want to give in and let them rule the roost, but if I carry on I can't see us being able to carry on.

Her mother will organise new years eve in October to make sure we all attend, and I then get a row for suggesting we do something with our friends and not her family. her mother has already asked if she can be there when my wife gives birth(years off wanting a baby) and when I suggested that it should be our moment I had a row.

Please help me find a way to get my fiance to see what I am saying and to start our own lives and cut the cord. I say lets set boundaries but she doesn't want to and all I hear from them both is how good their bond is. My fiancee always feels sorry for her parents, and her parents put a lot on her. I'm petrified I will lose touch with my family and get dragged into hers especially when we do have kids. Please PLease please help,
In the past she has taken a call from her mother in tesco for instance, and left me just standing there for 10mins, even after getting back from hols as I'm getting the bags she rings her mam, but she cannot see why this drives me mad. Today we arrived back from honeymoon, and when landing we texted both parents as we waited to get off the plane so say we had landed safely. It was 5.30am, and her mother rings her and my wife takes the call. I try and explain why this drives me insane but it's always barked back that I'm trying to ruin their relationship. Please please help, any ideas how I can get through this with my wife and MIL? Neither think they are doing anything wrong, it's just a healthy mother daughter relationship.

Everything is so dramatic and if it happens to them itís x 10 worse than anyone else,
Please any suggestions would be great

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-10-2012, 09:59 PM
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

Have you tried sitting down with her mother and telling her that although you have no intention of ending their relationship, that you need her support for the success of your impending marriage? And that that means the two of you need to be number one in each other's lives? Not the only, but yes, number one?

Can you have this conversation with the ground rules stated that you don't want to be yelled at, and will not shout at her? That you want the two of you to come together as two people who love your fiance with all their hearts?

Would your fiance's father be of any help?
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-10-2012, 10:51 PM
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

Well, could you marry the mom instead ?
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-10-2012, 10:54 PM
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

For holidays insist on seeing your family as well.

Either see both families on each holiday, or rotate holidays...

Thansgiving Early in day..........................Thanksgiving Later in day
XMAS Eve..............................................X Mas Day
New Years Eve........................................New Years Day

And on New Years Eve... make it earlier in the evening with family, and late night with friends

Or some plan along those lines.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-11-2012, 12:27 AM
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

Is it me, or did he just alternate between call his significant other both fiance and wife.

Is there some country / culture where it is the same thing? or are we getting a TROLL on this one?
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-13-2012, 11:00 AM
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

Hi! I had a very similar issue. My mother in law used to be just the same. She used to call at all times just to speak about nothing and unload silly problems onto us.

After a number of soft approaches (that didn't work), I took the bull by the horns and set a curfew for phone calls till 7 am and after 9 pm.

The real breakthrough, though, was to buy a flat far away from where my mother in law and my wife's sister live. Just enough to discourage them to come on foot

I must add that I am not proud of what I did (particularly regarding the curfew) but it was necessary.

My wife started to appreciate the new no-nonsense life right away!
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