What has happened to my life?
I never imagined that today I would sit here telling strangers just how at a loss I am with my life. Asking myself daily if I can take another day.
I want to actually go back to when I was a kid and go from there. It will be long. But I hope that someone will read this and share their thoughts.
I grew up with a young mom. She had me at 15. She and my dad married and then divorced and later married again and divorced. When they parted ways for good, my mother stopped me from having any contact with him or this family. She remarried. Ten years later, they had a girl. We were never really close. I often had my sister put onto me to look out for her. And soon became the person responsible for her.
My mom was very abusive to me. From beating me to the mean things she would call me. She never trusted me. Often I was beaten for the hell of it. If we planned to be anywhere, I was to keep my mouth shut or I'd get beat again. I remembered when I started my period. I was in sixth grade. I went to the nurse and she called my mom. She wouldn't come and get me. I had blood all down my pants. She made me walk home like that. One time my girlfriend and I went to catch the snow cone guy on our bikes and coming back, I had to pee so bad. I tried like hell to not. But lost the battle. I get home and my mom tells me to undress right there on the porch and yells at my friend to go home. I get inside and get my ass beat.She hated me. She was a Jehovahs Witness by the time I turned 9.And she changed.She was just mean. An Even family didn't want to be around her. On top of the stuff she put me through at home, I was bullied and teased at school because I was a JW.She cut my hair short and dressed me like a boy.
Anyway moving on, I finally walked out when I was 17. I wasn't going to let my step dad pull my pants down and whoop me with the belt any longer. I was turning into a young woman and didn't think it was appropriate to do that. He didn't feel comfortable it either. But I knew that the only way to not deal with it was to go. So I moved in with family on my dad's side. Then later with my dad until I graduated. And in that time, having never lived life like most kids, I was sheltered. I ended up trusting the wrong people. I was raped. I had a loaded gun put to my head. Life really didn't seem any more different then living at home with a crazed mother.
I finished school and went off to the Army. Ended up being forced out due to problems with my legs. Marching and running in boots killed me. So that was the end of what I thought was going to be my career.
1986...In that time that I was on Profile...anyone who is military would know, I had a lot of time where I was allowed to do whatever. And I met a guy who cooked for the soldiers. He was obviously attracted to me. He would make me my own omelet. He always was slipping something good in my meal. So we ended up hooking up and by the time I was released, he and I were living together. Some time had passed. I got a job. He was still working on the base. We decided to have a child. We weren't married. We had talked about it. But it seemed he wanted baby first. Well, I collapsed at work one day and had to quit because I started having pregnancy issues. During the first three months of it, all was ok, then something clicked. He started hitting me. I nearly lost my son from a threatening miscarriage. Found out he had been doing drugs for who knows how long. Heroin to be exact. All this time I never knew. Been around his family and saw that his brothers were abusive as well. Most of them all did the drugs together. Shared needles. But he managed to hide it well.
1989.....A son and daughter later, after years of abuse. The back and forth and finally a divorce, I get a call from the doctors that I needed to come in with him. They had something to tell me. I knew at that moment life was about to change. And it did. He was diagnosed with full blown AIDS>They weren't aware we had divorced. So months had gone by before he and I had even talked.
I can not describe in words what I felt at that moment. I had never been so scared in my life. I didn't know if my children would be ok. Or if I would be here for them.
The test went on for years. I was consumed with it all.I was and still am terrified of dying. During the time we got the word, the whole community found out. I had death threats. My house and car were always egged. No one would check out my groceries. I had people I didn't even know tell me that I had to leave town or they would kill me and my kids. I walked away from the best job I ever had. I was supporting my kids and myself. Doing it all on my own.I moved away. Tried to start fresh. I started working within three months. I had been through so much I needed a rest. I was dealing with heavy stuff. I ended up taking him back because he didn't want to die back home alone. So I took care of him to the very end.
No one understood it. But it was for no one to understand. I felt an obligation. He actually took his last breath in my arms. I watched him rot away. He was 78lbs the last time they weighed him. Just something I'll never forget. The image will always be there. All the times he was so sick. So helpless. And through it all, my family....not one person supported me until my husband now came into my life.
I have known my husband now since I was 9. We grew up together. I never knew he always wanted to marry me. He said as a kid he would always tell his brothers that he was gonna marry me.But shortly before my husband died, we reconnected. My mother called me a *****. But it wasn't like that. My husband was and still is an honorable man. He has a good soul.He knew what I had been through and wanted to help me.And it took a lot for him to be there. And I just wanted to live again and do it with someone who I knew loved me. We did through the years come and go. He had married at some point and divorced. But we always found a way back and I was not about to lose that for good.He was good for me and the kids. He treated them as if they were his. For years...life was good. I was so happy. We all were. Our kids got along. We were just this perfect family.
2017....Almost 25 years of marriage. Our children are grown. They have kids of their own. We always put them first. Gave them a home that was of love and peace. We taught them to respect everyone. We always did things and never was without them. But they never made it easy when they turned teens. Life went from wonderful to hell overnight.
My daughter has caused most of the turmoil.She was always in trouble. In school. At home. She lost a lot of friends.She hooked up with the wrong people and went crazy. She got pregnant. Went through the men. Had two more kids with an ******* who abused her. Things were rough. She changed with him. She did things to her boys. She only cared about what was happening with her. Through the years we would get calls in the middle of the night to get her and the boys. We moved her so many times back and forth. Often we would tell her to leave because she would lie to us and use us to watch the boys. The last time she was here would have been eleven times. Just so you all know, during the raising of our children, we always had one of his family members living with us. Our entire marriage we were never alone.Always drama. But always my daughter was causing issues. We never got along. She became very materialistic. I remember one night she called saying she was able to get her husband's wallet and get tax money out. That she was leaving him for good. But come to find out the first thing she did with the money was go get nails done. By the end of the night after her shopping spree, we went to get the boys and her stuff and omg, first off, they lived at his brother's house that they were trying to sell. The place was a dump. The only thing they had was a bed and the boys slept on the floor.And we showed up with him just laying there and the boys were soaked in piss. Head to toe, all day they had been in these diapers that were so soaked that they crystallized. I was so angry. Angry more at her. Why didn't she grab the boys and go?
Just recently she had asked us to watch the boys for a few days but later called to ask for more time. I thought it was pushing it. Because I have real bad health...the four days was a lot. These boys are all out of control. They have bad behavioral issues. The burn things. They fight. They cut up stuff.The poop in the yard. Sadly messed up little boys.I love them very much. I enjoy time with them. But she is always wanting a break. I have never known someone personally who always wants to leave their kids.Anyway, I said I guess and she lost it and starts yelling..telling me I'm ugly inside. Thank god for her mother in law. She is happy without me. She is done done done. At one point she called me a ****face. So we don't talk.
And my son, well his wife caused drama. And instead of trusting his own mother who would never hurt or lie to my kids, he has taken his wife's side and so we haven't spoken in months.
The loves of my life....gone.It's caused so much stress on my marriage.I have wanted to check out so many times. I have always been there for them. The darkest of times to simple requests. I did so much for them as they grew up to make sure they had a good loving home. That they would be with people who would never bring them harm. I never wanted that for my kids. I had many years of that. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But no matter what I do, what I say, I'll always be the bad guy.
There is no discussing it.They call that drama. They feel entitled. Like we all owe them something. My kids have put me in the poor house. My son totaled my car and never paid any money for that.My daughter, we cosigned and she and her husband filed bankruptcy and left us with the debt. Time again we help them and they **** on us.
Maybe I did too much for them. Maybe I created the demon. But I didn't just hand it all over. I made my kids learn things. I made them do chores. They didn't roam the streets. They were home at night. I had rules. I enforced them.But my daughter since she left home had a weapon..and it was the boys. They are helpless in all that mess. So every time I let her get to me through the boys. As far as my son...he won't even speak.He uses nothing.He simply has moved on.
So here it is. I cry daily. I suffer from chronic pain. Fibro, arthritis.I have OCD> So every day I am unable to shut down the thoughts. I don't sleep.When I do, I'm exhausted because days went by that I didn't. I'm so sad. I lost two very important people in my life. Two that I fought so hard for. Some keep telling me that they will come back. They always will go back to the place of love. But as the month's pass, I feel like I'll never have my son. Is it terrible to say I need the break from my daughter? She wipes me out. I'm so tired of her drama. Her issues turned into my issues. When she met this new guy who she married, he had three kids as well. She has two STD's. She admitted to me a month or so ago that she has been with two other men since she has been married.I see her buying all this stuff. She gets SSI for the boys because they have ADHD. She won't work. She wants child support and money from the state.Her life is a mess.She caused it but blames me. I didn't choose her friends or the men. I didn't make her sleep around. Everything my kids feel I feel too. But it's all too heavy. I'm tired. I think my daughter for sure needs tough love.She needs professional help as well. She needs to see how much I helped her out in her life when no one would. No one wanted to bother with her. But it's just not right for her to do me like she does. I just don't know how to get through life like this. I started counseling. Tomorrow is my third visit. Still very fresh. We are still in the getting to know my life, who I am, what I have been through. Getting the tools to deal with this is, however, taking too long. I understand and know the process. But I just wish I knew now what to do.
The pressure is on.My husband has been the person in the middle who has tried to settle things with my girl and I.He gets very upset about their actions. But at the same time while telling me to be tough and walk away, will send a message to her saying differently. I feel like I can't trust him. That someone is always stabbing me in the back. What more can I sacrifice for these people? If my husband supports me, he should do it totally. He told me the other day to be done with it. She isn't going to change. He said if she is done so be it. We won't deal with it. He said he isn't going to deal with her. But then he sends a heart to her. And right away she responds. He is sending things like this yet telling me to stand my ground and that he has my back.WTH. She always says that she wants him in her life. Not me.If it wasn't for me, she would still be on the street.Every time she wanted back in, I had to pull his arm to get her back. I'm the one who pushed because I wanted to be there for her. How is it I'm the bad one?
So this is my life. What has happened to it, I don't know. But I have never been so sad and lost in my life. I'm tired of questioning my own worth all the time. Feeling like a failure. Always having things put on me.I can't win no matter what I do. I always have good intentions. I only want peace.Now that it's just my husband and I, why can't we just live our life? Why aren't we entitled to trips and treating ourselves? We did so much for so many. I'm almost to the point I can't do much.I'm not getting younger and I'm certainly not getting healthier.To my daughter, love isn't enough when it comes to the boys.What they need is love and our time. No more than that. It's not up to us to help pay for the school clothes. It's her job.But she has these expectations of what a grandparent is supposed to be like.
I just want to be happy before I die. As a kid, I didn't have much control over my life. Certainly not over what my parents did to me.But I'm 51. Saw and learned a lot in my life. Started real young dealing with heavy ****.Most my age was dealing with college or boyfriend issues. I was taking care of a dying husband.I had no childhood.I only had adult issues.So what do I do? Can I even fix this mess or is even for me to fix? I'd really like to know.I just dont know how much more I can take.......