Can you help me figure out at what point exactly in my original post to have him miss practice (which is a MUCH bigger deal to him than losing device privileges)? When he was screaming in the car? Or earlier in the day when he was loudly balking at expected chores? Or when he criticized my parenting his younger bro?
I would have waited in the car till the screaming stopped, not even leaving the driveway. Not said much, maybe a reminder that you understand he's anxious to arrive on time but that doesn't give him license to be abusive to his ride, but mostly just waited. If he's calm, he gets to go to practice.
And do I warn him at all first, or do guys just respect the instant consequence more?
The warning should come another time, when he's calm, recently fed, in a good mood. Have a quick discussion (not a lecture) to remind him that being disrespectful and yelling at people who are doing him a favour isn't productive, and will get the favour retracted. So later, when he yells, he's already had the warning and you can jump right to consequences.
I stopped the car twice and both times felt that I should not continue driving him, but backed out because I knew his coach would be disappointed and my son apologized. I know you're right- he should not be there right now. I need to know exactly at what point though to take it that far.
His coach might become your biggest ally and a good role model (male?). Tell the coach that your son may have absences when his behaviour is disrespectful. You may find the coach reinforcing the consequences and reminding him that sports are a privilege and not a right and if he wants to attend practice, to remember to be grateful for your taxi service.
Is the practice within bike ride distance?
Thanks for your support, I'm still pretty upset (with myself mostly for allowing it).
It's best to put some time between yourself and the upset before you analyze the situation and figure out what to do. It's hard to think what to do in the moment, but if you decide what should happen next time, it will be easier to enforce it later.
Oh teenagers. The executive function emotions management skills are lagging far far behind the hormone driven emotions. But they still need to be taught. He's also testing boundaries, so you have to be consistent, no matter what.