How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

User Tag List

 112Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:17 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Embarrassing them in front of their friends is a very powerful tool. My sons bring incidents like those up to this day.

You know, if your husband isn't going to support you when you put your foot down, tell him that he can handle ALL the discipline all by himself for the forseeable future. Then every time - EVERY time - your kids want or need a ride somewhere or money or you get a call from the school or WHATEVER, HE has to handle it HIMSELF. Go on strike, if you will.
I could try that again, but that's how I've been coping this last year. And now that husband is busy coaching other son (who is a totally different personality, I do not have the same issues with him) I actually do have to give older son daily rides or he would not be able to participate in sports, which is his life. He needs the healthy outlet for his intensity.

So I'm back to square 1. And it infiltrates in other ways too, the constant criticizing me for the way I drink, walk, do my hair. It is abusive.

Jessica38 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:22 PM
Forum Supporter
 
heartbroken50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: New England
Posts: 1,741
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Can I co-parent with you?

I'm just not sure how I'm going to get through this with a husband who really does feel very differently about parenting. "If you try to control them, they will rebel." "It's tough growing up." "Boys need their freedom." "We just have to get through the next five years." "All teens are like this." "Teens aren't supposed to be polite." "There were many nights where I didn't say a word to my parents at the dinner table." "It's just going to suck for a while." "Everyone else on the team gets a ride to practice last minute. They all find ways to make it work, so we can be on call too."

Ugh, I hear you!

I have struggled so much with our parenting mismatch over the years. Honestly the only thing that has helped me get stronger has been more recent, and it's pretty depressing. Mr HB is terminally ill now and pretty much removed himself completely from parenting. I've HAD to take more control because before I know it I will be the only parent, and in a lot of ways I already am.

It's hard. They still go to him behind my back and often he will undermine me. I've had to explicitly tell them that when they do this it is NOT VALID. Dad is not able to parent and there are consequences if they go behind my back. It's slowly getting better.
heartbroken50 is offline  
post #48 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken50 View Post
Mr HB does not back me up at all.... he mostly sees it as me stirring the pot and creating drama. It's very frustrating.

This is exactly how I feel too. My husband acts like I've disciplined HIM when I give son a consequence.

Recently, my 15 year old was supposed to have a friend visit for the weekend from out of state to attend a local convention together. My son was particularly mouthy toward me the week prior, actually F-bombed me which I will not tolerate. And then refused to even apologize as I was being difficult. Mr HB did not back me up at all. The weekend in question Mr HB and my other son were away attending a college weekend, so I would be home with the other two boys and the friend all weekend... needing to provide them rides all weekend... AND my work schedule is busiest on the weekends.

These are our issues too.

I was so upset by his behavior and lack of remorse that I made him call his friend to cancel the visit, and also made him work to earn the money to reimburse his friend for his bus ticket and convention admission. Mr HB thought it was too harsh, but Mr HB wasn't going to be there to cater to him all weekend.

Yep, just making him cancel the friend visit would be too harsh here.

I so wish he would just do what @GTdad described and stick up for me. I have asked him to say those very words SO many times. He just won't
Not in my husband's DNA either. His dad is the same, let his mom handle all discipline. But my husband wasn't this disrespectful to his mom. I just don't get it. My son and I were very close when he was younger, and I get that teens need to separate, but the disrespect is just so mean. I never taught him to behave this way. I don't swear or call names, I don't say mean things to people. I have my faults, but I don't see where he is getting this from.
Jessica38 is offline  
 
post #49 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:28 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 19,583
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I could try that again, but that's how I've been coping this last year. And now that husband is busy coaching other son (who is a totally different personality, I do not have the same issues with him) I actually do have to give older son daily rides or he would not be able to participate in sports, which is his life. He needs the healthy outlet for his intensity.

So I'm back to square 1. And it infiltrates in other ways too, the constant criticizing me for the way I drink, walk, do my hair. It is abusive.
I would not take the abusive tack, Jessica. You are the parent here; you have lots of power.

How about sitting down with him and asking him to work with you to come up with a plan for tackling these challenges you two have in getting along, starting with his complaints about you?

That would show humility and openness. And your vulnerability would likely make him feel safe to open his heart to you, too.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #50 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
I would not take the abusive tack, Jessica. You are the parent here; you have lots of power.

How about sitting down with him and asking him to work with you to come up with a plan for tackling these challenges you two have in getting along, starting with his complaints about you?

That would show humility and openness. And your vulnerability would likely make him feel safe to open his heart to you, too.
Ok, thanks for the reminder.

I hate to keep saying it, but talking to him does not work. I've tried. It's how my husband handles it too, when I have asked him to step in. He says we just need to keep working with him and talking to him. This is why I feel powerless. It's starting to be a very stressful environment, and I don't know if this is normal or not.

Consequences do work. But they don't do anything for our relationship.

Someone asked if I remember being a teen- yes, I do, but my parents simply would not allow disrespect. But we were afraid of our parents, and our boys haven't been raised that way. We've always talked with them and encouraged open dialogue. But never meanness.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #51 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:43 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 373
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
@dubsey, very helpful, as that absolutely would send a very clear message to my son because sports are his most favorite thing in the entire world. However, I guarantee my husband would not support me in benching him as it would humiliate him in front of his teammates. And I would need that support because before and after, my son would push back very hard. I'm not afraid of my son, but I would suffer as much if not more than him because it would cause problems with husband and son. It would take massive strength on my part to pull that off, so I guess I need to dig deep? I could go to the coach, who would support me.
A couple of things. Yeah, I did go to the coach first. Coaches are typically parents too and totally get it. The conversation went something like this:

me: kid's not playing. He's grounded, but I'm making him explain to you and the team
coach: that bad?
me: not at all. Nothing really, but he chose to double down and lie.
coach: understood

then had a big laugh about it after the game. A couple of parents didn't think it was fair (they didn't even know what happened) in that the team didn't need to lose because my kid was an idiot.

Now, at the end of the day, driving across town to watch him not play, and watch the team lose may have actually been much harder on me. That said, a few valuable lessons were learned.

1. Don't be stupid
2. When you've been stupid, don't lie.
3. Lying will get you in more trouble than being stupid
4. There will be consequences, think about what you're doing/saying.

I haven't had to touch the phone or video game privileges since for behavior issues.
dubsey is offline  
post #52 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:47 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by dubsey View Post
A couple of things. Yeah, I did go to the coach first. Coaches are typically parents too and totally get it. The conversation went something like this:

me: kid's not playing. He's grounded, but I'm making him explain to you and the team
coach: that bad?
me: not at all. Nothing really, but he chose to double down and lie.
coach: understood

then had a big laugh about it after the game. A couple of parents didn't think it was fair (they didn't even know what happened) in that the team didn't need to lose because my kid was an idiot.

Now, at the end of the day, driving across town to watch him not play, and watch the team lose may have actually been much harder on me. That said, a few valuable lessons were learned.

1. Don't be stupid
2. When you've been stupid, don't lie.
3. Lying will get you in more trouble than being stupid
4. There will be consequences, think about what you're doing/saying.

I haven't had to touch the phone or video game privileges since for behavior issues.
I'm running with this because in our case, an added lesson will be learned that I've been trying to impart for a year now:

5. Your behavior and how you treat people is more important than sports.

And his coach is a dad too, and his son is my son's best friend. So thank you!
Jessica38 is offline  
post #53 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:49 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 103
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Jessica
What jumps out at me about the socks thing and friends...
Yes you are right to think he should buy the next pair. But don't threaten to do so, or embarrass him. Just do it. let him go buy more. When he's out, he's out. Too bad.
It's more of "matter of fact" attitude.
Let him fail, fall due to his own lack of foresight or gratitude .
I wouldn't say a word about it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
crocus is offline  
post #54 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 02:27 PM
Member
 
BetrayedDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 3,022
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I believe it. Problem is, I don't have back up from husband, who would likely get upset with me for destroying his property.

He went through a phase of door slamming so hard it would shake the entire house. I warned him that if he continued to do it, we would remove his bedroom door. He did it again and I unhinged his door. He was so embarassed when friends came over that he begged us to put it back on, which my husband did. He never slammed a door again.
Your husband is doing him a huge disservice by allowing him to disrespect authority.

I'd focus more on getting him on board first, before dealing with your son's behavior.

Or else your kid's just going to continue to play both sides and play you both for fools.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
BetrayedDad is offline  
post #55 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 02:38 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 19,583
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

I don't think her son is "playing" anyone. She has said he is an intelligent, intense young man. She just needs to learn to work with that, instead of trying to control it.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #56 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 02:39 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,650
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by crocus View Post
Jessica
What jumps out at me about the socks thing and friends...
Yes you are right to think he should buy the next pair. But don't threaten to do so, or embarrass him. Just do it. let him go buy more. When he's out, he's out. Too bad.
It's more of "matter of fact" attitude.
Let him fail, fall due to his own lack of foresight or gratitude .
I wouldn't say a word about it.
EXACTLY. Shaming them in front of their friends isn't the goal. With the socks thing, I'd just say "Hmm, you don't have any socks? Didn't I just buy you a pair?" and that would be it. If he then asked for me to buy him another pair, I'd simply say nope, and leave it at that. And ignore the haranguing. When he whines about the fact he doesn't have the money, I'd reply "Hmm, you have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"

Actually, that line "Hmm, you have a problem. What are you going to do about it?" used to make my kids SO mad, because they know when I said it that I was NOT coming to their rescue. Because I never did.

As for your husband, I know what you mean about talking to him and that not working. You can employ all of the 'active listening' and humility and openness and vulnerability in the world, all that does is make you feel like you've been banging your head against a wall.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I actually do have to give older son daily rides or he would not be able to participate in sports, which is his life. He needs the healthy outlet for his intensity. .
No, actually, you don't. You have a choice here. All you need to do is make it clear to your son first, and your husband second, calmly and matter of factly, that you are unable to continue doing what you've been doing under the circumstances you've been doing it. It will stop NOW. If husband will come on board and start backing you up, you can resume ride duties. But until that time, you can't do it, and it is therefore husbands responsibility to arrange something for son to get to his sports games. Whether husband pays for cabs, or arranges another kids parent, or gets him a bus pass, or WHATEVER, husband is the one who has to make sure he gets there, by whatever means it takes.

If you landed in the hospital, who would take him?? Your husband is perfectly capable of figuring this out, is he not?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #57 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

@Hope1964 and @crocus, I'll do that next time, just say "Nope" when he tells me he needs a new pair of grippy socks for jumping. I did tell him that I just bought him a pair so if he'd like a new pair each time he visits the trampoline park, he will need to pay for that himself. I see this is where I went wrong- giving him a solution that offended him, instead if just limiting the conversation to "Nope." This turned into "You cant even pay $3 to get me a pair of socks? Wow, just WOW." And then I'm offended and want to discipline him. My concern was that we'd show up at the jump place with his friend and my other son, and older son wouldn't be able to participate unless I buy him jump socks (they don't let you use the indoor trampolines unless you have special socks).

@Hope1964, I know that you are right- I just need to be wiling to take that next step. It will cause big issues though, so it will be my last resort if starting with missing a practice in the moment doesn't solve the issue.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #58 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:07 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 909
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
For those of you with teenage boys (or who have raised teenage boys), can you share some practical ideas for handling the disrespect?

My son is now in the phase of openly talking back, arguing, and criticizing me and today was especially challenging.

I was 2 min late (and still 15 min early for when we actually needed to leave- he likes to get to sports practice VERY early) getting into the car because I'd been checking texts from his coach to make sure practice was still on (rainy today and coach said stay tuned). He was screaming in the car while I was checking texts.

I got in, told him he didn't need to scream, I was checking his coach's texts. Son ignores me, looks at phone. I say "Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"

He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"

I turn off the ignition and explain that I won't be driving him to practice if he treats me like that. He apologizes. We drive 2 streets and he starts arguing that all he did was ask why I always say to treat me like a person, it's so weird.

I pull over. He is giving me dirty looks. Finally, we get to practice, and he tells me that I make everything a big deal. I remind him that he's the one who was screaming in the car. He says "OMG! Everything is an issue!"

He screamed today when reminded to put away his laundry. He growled when told to do a chore before video games. Each time, I called him on it and it turned into "OMG, you're SO strict."

Then he started criticizing me for telling his brother to throw away the banana peel.

I'm at my wits end. He lost device privileges for his rudeness.

But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.
Jessica, teenagers have a great need to be treated as adults. From your post I have read, you seem to put a big emphasis on controlling behavior which is viewed by a teenagers as being treated as a child.

I understand that it is important to be respected by your kids and I agree that there should be consequences when they are disrespectful. However, you need to have many opportunities during the day when you have treated your son like an adult.

For example, with the bolded, why is it your responsibility to check the coach's texts to see if the training is on? It should be your son's responsibility. Your involvement should only be to drive him to practice, not more.

Transfer as many responsibilities to your son as possible.

Last year, with our now 18 year old son, we had an issue. He was responsible to make his own SAT test registration and preparation. Weeks passed by with no great movement from his part. Finally he registered but the prep was still going very slowly. 2 weeks prior to the test he realized he was far from ready and entered into a panic mode. He reached out to us and explained his challenge. My wife advised him and helped him focus and re-prioritize his schedule. He took the test and did well.

Try to lessen the control and give him as many responsibilities as you can.

Je suis Charlie, Russian Metrojet, Beirut, Paris, Bamako.
Duguesclin is offline  
post #59 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Duguesclin View Post
For example, with the bolded, why is it your responsibility to check the coach's texts to see if the training is on? It should be your son's responsibility. Your involvement should only be to drive him to practice, not more.

Transfer as many responsibilities to your son as possible.

Last year, with our now 18 year old son, we had an issue. He was responsible to make his own SAT test registration and preparation. Weeks passed by with no great movement from his part. Finally he registered but the prep was still going very slowly. 2 weeks prior to the test he realized he was far from ready and entered into a panic mode. He reached out to us and explained his challenge. My wife advised him and helped him focus and re-prioritize his schedule. He took the test and did well.

Try to lessen the control and give him as many responsibilities as you can.
I'd love to do that. I brought this up to my husband, that son now has an iPhone and I can show him how to use iCal to schedule his practices and get him on the group text alerts from his coach.

Husband and son disagreed, as all group text goes directly to parents, not the kids. I'm sure this is due to our teens being under driving age.

Do you have advice for moving this direction? Practices are often called and changed last minute. I'm on call many days and often don't even know if there will be practice or where, or how many (indoor and field work), though usually there is.

Hotel and parental help feeding team in between games during out of town tournaments and other logistics are dealt with this way too, which goes to the parents.

Last edited by Jessica38; 04-21-2017 at 09:01 AM.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #60 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:31 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,698
Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

You are not building a relationship by allowing your son to run roughshod over you.

I personally don't believe in EVER embarrassing a kid in front of anyone. I think that is NOT the way to build a relationship with them.

Being LOGICAL, FIRM, and DECISIVE is a strength that he should learn from you. You are not his buddy, his friend. Once his brain is fully developed and he is responsible and works and has his own life, you can just be his friend. Right now you need to be teaching him how to treat people, especially you.

What JLD says about talking to him and being vulnerable and such---- I think is nonsense. He will see it as WEAKNESS and continue to take advantage.

My advice: Do not let your son get you to the point of anger. If he is not interacting with you in a reasonable away, you just stop and disconnect. Let HIM suffer the consequence of your disconnection. He caused it, he needs to see the result of his actions.

When you teach him how to respectfully interact with you, then you can talk with him like an adult and enjoy his company. How could you possibly have any kind of relationship with a son who bullies you. And that is EXACTLY what he is doing. He's bullying you. You don't seem to see that.

Consequences are the only thing that will change behavior. Don't give him consequences and this will all get worse. Don't be mean, don't lose your temper, just disengage and let the cards fall where they may. You are not his taxicab. You are not his wealthy sponsor. You are his parent. Anything you do for him other than provide food and shelter and safety is a privilege. YOU have taught him that he is ENTITLED to all this. He isn't, and needs to learn that.

Again, this is just my advice. I am not a perfect parent, either.
Evinrude58 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome