How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post

My advice: Do not let your son get you to the point of anger. If he is not interacting with you in a reasonable away, you just stop and disconnect. Let HIM suffer the consequence of your disconnection. He caused it, he needs to see the result of his actions.

When you teach him how to respectfully interact with you, then you can talk with him like an adult and enjoy his company. How could you possibly have any kind of relationship with a son who bullies you. And that is EXACTLY what he is doing. He's bullying you. You don't seem to see that.

Consequences are the only thing that will change behavior. Don't give him consequences and this will all get worse. Don't be mean, don't lose your temper, just disengage and let the cards fall where they may. You are not his taxicab. You are not his wealthy sponsor. You are his parent. Anything you do for him other than provide food and shelter and safety is a privilege. YOU have taught him that he is ENTITLED to all this. He isn't, and needs to learn that.

Again, this is just my advice. I am not a perfect parent, either.
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I do think there is entitlement going on and I am putting a stop to it. Can you give me an example of how to disconnect? We are about to leave town for a tournament where we will all share a hotel room for 3 days. If he is rude/disrespectful to me, I know my husband will address it by talking to him, but like you said, just talking with him does not stop the behavior. That has been our strategy for a while now and the behavior towards me is getting much worse. The only recourse I will have is to tell his coach and his coach will likely discipline him by benching him. But I'm not sure if making rude comments to me, or even just one rude comment, warrants this?

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post #62 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

I have a teenage son. Parenting a boy is so much more difficult than a girl. He is more quiet and reserved. Non-Communicative and very defensive. He demands more privacy and is very private.

My D throws everything out there. She shows all of her emotions and thoughts out for us to share, even if we don't want to hear it.

I am very respectful of his privacy. I am very watchful of him and try to figure out what is going on with him because he never says. I have tried different question techniques, none works. Every now and then, I get a trickle of info. I am training myself to go with this and let it be ok. Because I hear @Ynot, saying not to judge him. I am letting him be and I hope all that I have imparted to him in the last 18 years have left some sort of imprint on him.

We have a policy in our home, we speak with respect to everyone. We don't curse or say bad things to each other. We don't hurt each other. I remembered when my kids were in elementary school, my D said one day, dad is a ****ty dad because he never comes to any school event. I told her the reason her mother is able to attend all of her events is because her dad works long hours to support them and me, so that we can do all things we do. She never complained or bad mouth her dad again.

With my son, I allow him to manage his life. He has his things he does around the house, take out garbage, sort recycles, clean the hallway and he gets about @120 a week. What he does with his money, is on him. He never ask for more. He also, manages his after school stuff because he does not want me involved and I am letting him.

We are in the process of choosing college. He picked his own schools, never asked me where I wanted him to apply to. All he asked for was our tax return and his acct. balance. One day he asked me to do his FAFSA and his CSS, he gave me a list of schools and that was that. I would have liked for him to have applied to different schools but he did not give me the chance to do it.

This past two months we have been visiting his accepted schools and when ever I ask, where would you like to go....he always says, I don't know. Then, a few days ago he came into our bedroom and said, I am staying home to attend college and this is the school I am going to. I asked if he was worried about money because dad got this, he said no. He wanted to stay home. Ok. That was it. He does not require much from me I guess.

I am trying not to butt in and direct him too much. With our daughter it was so different. We were overly involved and she needed our input for everything. He is just different. I have to accept that because if I don't it will change our relationship. He is a sweet loving boy and I am thankful for that. I don't want him to become angry and resentful at me. So, I am giving him his space and room to grow.

He knows what we expect from him, he knows our boundaries and when ever he gets out of hand we just gently remind him. Some times I want to murder him, but I like living outside of jail. This morning on the way to school, he made me laugh when he asked if I will drop him off at college next year. I said, we will see.

I belief kids need boundaries and have an understanding of what is expected of them. Don't give them everything they ask for and don't give them the upper hand in the relationship. They are always going to test the boundaries to see what they can get away with.

At this point, I am just trying to teach my son to be self reliant and make good choices, that he can live with. Thats all I can do.
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post #63 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:53 AM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Thank you. I needed to hear this. I do think there is entitlement going on and I am putting a stop to it. Can you give me an example of how to disconnect? We are about to leave town for a tournament where we will all share a hotel room for 3 days. If he is rude/disrespectful to me, I know my husband will address it by talking to him, but like you said, just talking with him does not stop the behavior. That has been our strategy for a while now and the behavior towards me is getting much worse. The only recourse I will have is to tell his coach and his coach will likely discipline him by benching him. But I'm not sure if making rude comments to me, or even just one rude comment, warrants this?
Yes, it's simple. You load the stuff in the car, you turn the car towards home and there is no tournament for him. Will missing a tournament ruin his future? Will photosynthesis stop on the planet? Will the tides stop flowing?

You act like that this sport is as important as employment.

Show your son that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. He's not an idiot. HE will figure it out.
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post #64 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Yes, it's simple. You load the stuff in the car, you turn the car towards home and there is no tournament for him. Will missing a tournament ruin his future? Will photosynthesis stop on the planet? Will the tides stop flowing?

You act like that this sport is as important as employment.

Show your son that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. He's not an idiot. HE will figure it out.
Thank you again, this is very helpful to me. Can you give me advice on how to approach my husband with this? He's trying, he's listening to the Boundaries with Teens audiobook with me, and we had a good talk this morning about setting boundaries by instilling consequences for disrespect with teen, but I know that my husband will disagree with me if I do this because my son is rude to me once this afternoon or tomorrow before a game. It would take a lot more for him to even consider this a punishment that fits the crime. My husband's tolerance is simply MUCH higher than mine. Our younger son is in the tournament as well, though on a different team. He will want to talk to our son, or ignore the disrespectful behavior, which causes it to escalate. If I do this, my son will immediately apologize and beg to stay.

I have options- take 2 cars, or rent a car to drive home if need be. But it will require a lot of strength from me to do this alone. I agree with you, this is what needs to happen, and I know his coach absolutely will understand.
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