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How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

6K views 72 replies 23 participants last post by  Keke24 
#1 ·
For those of you with teenage boys (or who have raised teenage boys), can you share some practical ideas for handling the disrespect?

My son is now in the phase of openly talking back, arguing, and criticizing me and today was especially challenging.

I was 2 min late (and still 15 min early for when we actually needed to leave- he likes to get to sports practice VERY early) getting into the car because I'd been checking texts from his coach to make sure practice was still on (rainy today and coach said stay tuned). He was screaming in the car while I was checking texts.

I got in, told him he didn't need to scream, I was checking his coach's texts. Son ignores me, looks at phone. I say "Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"

He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"

I turn off the ignition and explain that I won't be driving him to practice if he treats me like that. He apologizes. We drive 2 streets and he starts arguing that all he did was ask why I always say to treat me like a person, it's so weird.

I pull over. He is giving me dirty looks. Finally, we get to practice, and he tells me that I make everything a big deal. I remind him that he's the one who was screaming in the car. He says "OMG! Everything is an issue!"

He screamed today when reminded to put away his laundry. He growled when told to do a chore before video games. Each time, I called him on it and it turned into "OMG, you're SO strict."

Then he started criticizing me for telling his brother to throw away the banana peel.

I'm at my wits end. He lost device privileges for his rudeness.

But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.
 
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#3 · (Edited)
If you Don't threaten and actually give consequences--- it will change.
Kids ignore yelling, reason, etc---- but like all humans, they remember and respect consequences.

If he misbehaves, he misses practice. Get backup from your weak disciplinarian husband.

If he still misbehaves, he loses tv and conputer privileges.

Don't give in, show strength.
Gain respect. Result--- different attitude. But it takes effort. Can't give in.
 
#4 ·
Can you help me figure out at what point exactly in my original post to have him miss practice (which is a MUCH bigger deal to him than losing device privileges)? When he was screaming in the car? Or earlier in the day when he was loudly balking at expected chores? Or when he criticized my parenting his younger bro?

And do I warn him at all first, or do guys just respect the instant consequence more?

I stopped the car twice and both times felt that I should not continue driving him, but backed out because I knew his coach would be disappointed and my son apologized. I know you're right- he should not be there right now. I need to know exactly at what point though to take it that far.

Thanks for your support, I'm still pretty upset (with myself mostly for allowing it).
 
#5 ·
So sorry. Trade you my step daughter for an hour. But that would be cruel.
Teenagers are cranky, hormones, pressure to "get a life" all that stuff.
Take some time to decide what's really a big deal. Talk to your husband about it.
The rest...you gotta let him decide what kind of person he wants to be. He's not you.
He doesn't think like you
He doesn't know what "treat me like a person" is.
Your cute kids turn into these grisly half beings so you CAN let them go into the world. Ha ha.


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#6 ·
For those of you with teenage boys (or who have raised teenage boys), can you share some practical ideas for handling the disrespect?



My son is now in the phase of openly talking back, arguing, and criticizing me and today was especially challenging.



I was 2 min late (and still 15 min early for when we actually needed to leave- he likes to get to sports practice VERY early) getting into the car because I'd been checking texts from his coach to make sure practice was still on (rainy today and coach said stay tuned). He was screaming in the car while I was checking texts.



I got in, told him he didn't need to scream, I was checking his coach's texts. Son ignores me, looks at phone. I say "Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"



He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"



I turn off the ignition and explain that I won't be driving him to practice if he treats me like that. He apologizes. We drive 2 streets and he starts arguing that all he did was ask why I always say to treat me like a person, it's so weird.



I pull over. He is giving me dirty looks. Finally, we get to practice, and he tells me that I make everything a big deal. I remind him that he's the one who was screaming in the car. He says "OMG! Everything is an issue!"



He screamed today when reminded to put away his laundry. He growled when told to do a chore before video games. Each time, I called him on it and it turned into "OMG, you're SO strict."



Then he started criticizing me for telling his brother to throw away the banana peel.



I'm at my wits end. He lost device privileges for his rudeness.



But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.


I have 3 boys: 17, 15 and 11. Love them to death but the teenage years are definitely challenging!

I'm still trying to find the magic bullet myself so I'll be following your thread as well and you have my empathy [emoji173]

Biggest problem in our house is that Mr HB won't back me up as he finds discipline too stressful and he likes being the fun parent. He also has significant health issues so he loses patience faster and is more prone to let them get away with being rude just to make them stop.

I on the other hand can't stand it. A few things work temporarily: shutting off cell phones and blocking them out of wifi through the router. No rides to activities, that sort of thing.

They are expected to do chores but still fight back pretty regularly. It's very slowly improving the more consistent I am.

Stay strong! They will grow up eventually, right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway!


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#9 ·
Ok, so you don't give rides either when they are disrespectful, good to know. I'm on it with the devices, but you're right- it's only temporary.

And I have the same issue with the husband- his "focus on the positive" bs really chaps my hide in these instances.
@crocus, you think I should ignore it when he acts like this? Ugh...I literally cannot stand it. It violates every boundary in my body to be treated so poorly by someone, especially as I am doing things for them. It just feels so wrong to me.
 
#7 ·
It sounds to me like your son was feeling very anxious and not knowing how to communicate that, just as most people and most especially people of the male persuasion, he jumped down your throat instead.

I really like the way you stood up for yourself and insisted he treat you the way you wish to be treated, that was awesome! Honestly, I've seen sooooo many parents, typically mothers though, who allow their teens to speak to them in absolutely disgraceful ways! So well done!

Okay back to late to practice... in the moment your best bet is to do exactly what you did. Later on though, have a chat about what was going on with him at the time and don't let him mumble how he hates to be late. He needs to dig deeper and identify what was making him feel so out of sorts that he thought talking to you that way was okay to do. This chat needs to be calm calm calm. Best to be done when you're driving and he knows you can't see his face but he can't walk away. The car is the BEST place to talk to kids to get them to dig deep and open up.

As far as his, "OMG You're so strict!" goes, you can pat yourself on the back because if a parent of teen isnt hearing that at least once per month, you're doing it wrong. That's a general rule kind of thing, every kid is different and some kids are very content without pushing boundaries.

It's directed at you because of a few reasons and you can decide which one you like best.
1. Your husband doesn't enforce boundaries so your son doesn't push back.
2. Your husband has already smacked your son enough that your son doesn't push around him.
3. Your husband isn't involved enough to be in the position of enforcing boundaries.
4. Your the safe parent with whom he can be his emotional self and that means the nasty emotional self as well as the needy emotional self.
5. Your son does mouth off to his father but his father doesn't react to it so it's not a big deal to either of them.
 
#8 ·
You need to let him know when you and he are both calm that raising his voice to you in any way will result in xxxxxx. Expect to enforce that within two days.
Then expect to reinforce it with another consequence when he tests you. He won't test you a third time, most likely. If he does, follow through every time.
Work on one thing at a time.

But reinforce that one thing with an iron fist. Yelling at YOU? Lol, yeah, I'd get him, lol.

He will figure out quickly that you aren't bs'ing on the yelling.
Then do the same thing with not doing chores without complaint.

New kid in two months.

Iron fist. He says you're strict? He's baiting you. He knows exactly what you'll tolerate. Change your tolerance.

I'll bet he's an intelligent kid-- probably 110- 130 IQ at least.
Schoolwork comes easy to him?

I'm no expert, btw. My teenager is a jerk,too. But the boundaries have a narrower range, lol.
 
#11 ·
I am copying this post into my notes app. Thank you very much. Yes, he's highly intelligent, in TAG at school. And he's very intense. Never needs help with school work and loves sports. On paper, he's a great kid. But I'm big on behavior first, which is what I keep telling him, but it's not getting through.

I agree- time for action. I've had enough.
 
#12 ·
It's a battle of wills with anyone.

Just make sure you are the one who perseveres. Whose will is unshakeable. Kids don't all yell at their parents. Mine has once or twice. There were tears flying.
That was time to keep my cool and step back. Don't escalate.

I guess I'm just saying you are correct in that your son should not be doing what he's doing.
Yes, if you allow this it will carry over to his later life.
 
#15 ·
Jessica
Nope nowhere did I say ignore it. "Decide what's important ".
Listen, as he is telling you what some of the conflict is. "Everything is a big deal". And he did tell you he didn't know what "treat me like a person " means.
Aside from the tone or yelling, take away the message. Out of respect for him. As a separate person.
HOW he communicates needs to be taught and practiced.
Consequences for that, but not the message. If it were me, I would say thank you for sharing your input, I will consider how you feel. (Later, of course) but provide him tips for how to share / communicate and make it clear THAT is what was unacceptable


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#18 ·
Now I understand, thank you. Focus on the delivery, not the message. That's hard for me, so thanks for the challenge. Without the tone, yelling, and mad dogging, I still don't appreciate being told that I'm weird for wanting to be treated like a person, or that I make everything a big deal. It sounds like I need to get over this and develop thicker skin? I'm really glad you brought this to my attention. It seems I played a role in this tonight too.

This is where I second guess myself.
 
#19 ·
No, you aren't weird. It's weird to him because he's developing as a person that is different from himself. Different is weird. To all teenagers.
Same as treated like a person.
Judgmental aliens. Until they are about 30. So naturally, they notice that their parents are the most judgemental people around. Geez. It's brutal


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#21 ·
He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"
This was my answer to this (and other such ornery, silly questions) ...

"You are required to be respectful, responsible and fun to be around". That is how people treat each other as human-beings."

My kid knew this phrase and what each word meant by the time she was 6 years old and, she knew that I enforced it. I always gave her one warning when she acted out (I would ask "Are you being respectful, responsible and fun to be around?") and if she continued consequences were immediate (withdrawal of privileges).

The key is to be calm, don't engage them in arguments and do not explain yourself (they know the rules). Remember teenagers are expert at DARVO, even if they do not know the term.

In the situation you described with your son, if it was me, the car would have never left the driveway. You want to scream and be a little **** to your mother ... oh well, no ride to practice for you.
 
#23 ·
My boys are 18, 14, 11, and 8.

While I would not tolerate disrespect, I would also seek to understand their frustrations. You are trying to build a relationship for the long term, right? Taking too rigid of an "I'm the parent and you will do as I say, period," position could make for some frosty times ahead.

Shoot for a collaborative approach instead. "Son, I do not feel great about how things went down yesterday. I don't think you do, either. How do you think we both could have handled things better?" might be a good place to start.
 
#24 ·
Wow! That's a lot of boys!

Anon Pink nailed it- his frustration was triggered by not leaving at the exact time he wanted. His anxiety reared, and I was the punching bag.

I just calmly talked to him while preparing his dinner. I told him that while I am fine with discussing concerns with him about possibly running late, that he doesn't know what treating me like a person means, and that he feels I make things a big deal, I am not ok with the delivery. From now on, if he raises his voice to me, the car will not leave the garage. And I will let his coach know why he will not be at practice. We covered what "treating me like a person" means (respect, politeness).

My husband actually totally jumped in and backed me up, so that was wonderful! I think setting the boundary and putting in my son's court really helped my husband see that it's now no longer up to me if he gets to practice- it's up to our son.

Thanks to all of you for the help! Every single one of you helped me today.
 
#26 ·
"Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"

I've been thinking about your post and this keeps coming up in my head.

Teens are like 2 year olds on steroids. They act out their feeling. But now they are big, and loud and think they are smarter than their parents. This is why teens are so much "fun".

But the are still kids and still need some things to be very clear. I agree with him, what does "threat me like a person mean?" I'll bet it means something different to different people. You might want to try working that is very direct and simple....

Instead of "Please reply to me and treat me like a person", be more direct.

"Please reply."
"Do not yell at me."
"I'm not giving you a ride to practice if you yell at me." and follow through.

Short and to the point.
 
#27 · (Edited)
Having raised two boys, suspending their allowances and privileges seemed to have worked absolute wonders in curbing their seldom abhorrent behavior!

They're coming in to their own during this phase and greatly feel that they are so much smarter than Mom or Dad, or any authority figure, for that matter!

And to a certain extent, there's probably an element of some of that self-ingrained justification in their line of thinking, but if they are going to give serious credence to any of those thoughts, it might be far better that they are already moved out of the house and at the very same time, also considerably more financially well-heeled than good ol' Mom and Dad!
 
#28 ·
Just wondering, does your son do any volunteer work? Something for the community, the disabled, something that requires patience, empathy, and care for another? If not, it may be a good idea to have him start. I was once a pretty intense teen but I was a good egg. I challenged my parents plenty and I expected to be heard more as I got older and close to adulthood. I volunteered for many hours in HS at a hospital in my town. I volunteered at a nursing home, too. I think it gave me a perspective many of my peers at the time didn't care to have because they were too busy trying to be "cool."

Also, relaxation techniques are a good idea for teens. They learn to cram so much into their lives, their hormones are going, their brains are developing, they neglect to take time for calm introspection alone. It's always go go go and sleep when you're not.

Agreed that you should follow through if there is a next time and turn the car around. There's nothing wrong with telling him this clearly right now, before the next practice. Set the expectations, ask him if he thinks you're being reasonable in having the expectation of not being yelled at, then exact consequence if he crosses the line. Basically talk logically through to the source of the frustration and allow him to catch himself for his own unnecessary behavior. You are not a punching bag.
 
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#29 ·
Ok, I kind of skipped through the last half of the thread. I'm in a hurry, but wanted to throw in 2 cents.

The single best thing I ever did as a Dad, was make my kid go to one of his sporting events, and watch from the bench. He'd done something wrong, it was no big deal, but then he lied right to my face about it. It was February.

I looked at him and said after dinner we were going to have a chat about the consequences of his actions, after everyone calmed down.

So...

Video games - gone indefinitely. No end date, he could choose when he earned them back by being a reasonable human being.

But, the big kicker was, his next sporting event, he had to go up to his coach, tell him he was benched by dad, and why. He had to apologize to his teammates for being a bad teammate because he couldn't play, and if he lied to his teammates about why, he'd be sitting another one until he got it right.

It actually got even better because the referee knows him, and knows he's good player so came over to talk in-between periods asking him how he got injured and he had to say "not injured, grounded."

At that moment, he knew I wasn't f'n around, and I wouldn't be in the near future. Are there still challenges from time to time. Sure, but he KNOWS, that I'll follow through on ANYTHING, even if it hurts me more than him. The best part is, I was able to do it without raising my voice. Very matter of fact - this was your choice (to lie), and this is how it is.

So, if I were you, when you're having a good evening, sit down as a family and talk about how the new normal is going to be, and you'll do your best to be respectful to him and not raise your voice at him as well, and come up with some word that he can say that you're not allowed to be offended at if he feels like you're stressing him out and vice versa, and go from there.

edit: looks like you already had a chat. keep revisiting it, especially if he's going a good job with it and let him know you appreciate his efforts.
 
#31 ·
@heartbroken50, the rides would hit mine where it hurts too. It's something he needs from me for sure. I think your natural/logical consequences sound great, I'll look for more opportunities like that. We've had our share of loud complaints about dinners too. I tried a year ago to set up a reward system where the boys had to earn everything extra, like trips to trampoline park, etc. by completing their chores without complaint. It turned into more complaints from teen about how ridiculous it was to have a chart system. My husband agreed and wouldn't really go along with it, so I gave up.
@EleGirl, I will try to be more direct and leave the subjective stuff out. I see where that was my mistake, as @crocus pointed that out too, that my son really didn't know what that meant.

He also gives me dirty looks repeatedly every time I take a drink at dinner or any other time he's near by. He criticizes me for swallowing too loudly. And my ankles pop in the morning and he repeatedly criticizes me for that- "Do you have a disease? That's really not normal." Over and over. I tried to talk to him about it by explaining that many people have that, are like firecrackers, in my yoga class. I tried finding humor in it, like "Well, it must be nice to move through life perfectly soundless." I finally told him that if he didn't let it go, he'd have a consequence. So now he just gives dirty looks and shakes his head and he might do a grunt. Every day. It is very frustrating.

I feel like I live with an abusive husband, only it's my kid.
@arbitrator, I am going back to staying consistent with the consequences. Thanks for sharing your experience in how that helped with your boys.
@Satya, YES to the relaxation techniques. He needs it. He has done EMDR therapy and it did wonders for him. We've done Headspace meditation app and it was great. But he has a very full schedule with school/travel sports so time is very limited in what he can consistently add. And it would be another thing for me to have to work with him on. He has volunteered in the past and it didn't go well because it was me getting him to do it, not by choice. I finally let it go. I'd love to make it a requirement but it would fall squarely on my shoulders and likely lead to more push back at this point.
@dubsey, very helpful, as that absolutely would send a very clear message to my son because sports are his most favorite thing in the entire world. However, I guarantee my husband would not support me in benching him as it would humiliate him in front of his teammates. And I would need that support because before and after, my son would push back very hard. I'm not afraid of my son, but I would suffer as much if not more than him because it would cause problems with husband and son. It would take massive strength on my part to pull that off, so I guess I need to dig deep? I could go to the coach, who would support me.
 
#51 ·
@dubsey, very helpful, as that absolutely would send a very clear message to my son because sports are his most favorite thing in the entire world. However, I guarantee my husband would not support me in benching him as it would humiliate him in front of his teammates. And I would need that support because before and after, my son would push back very hard. I'm not afraid of my son, but I would suffer as much if not more than him because it would cause problems with husband and son. It would take massive strength on my part to pull that off, so I guess I need to dig deep? I could go to the coach, who would support me.
A couple of things. Yeah, I did go to the coach first. Coaches are typically parents too and totally get it. The conversation went something like this:

me: kid's not playing. He's grounded, but I'm making him explain to you and the team
coach: that bad?
me: not at all. Nothing really, but he chose to double down and lie.
coach: understood

then had a big laugh about it after the game. A couple of parents didn't think it was fair (they didn't even know what happened) in that the team didn't need to lose because my kid was an idiot.

Now, at the end of the day, driving across town to watch him not play, and watch the team lose may have actually been much harder on me. That said, a few valuable lessons were learned.

1. Don't be stupid
2. When you've been stupid, don't lie.
3. Lying will get you in more trouble than being stupid
4. There will be consequences, think about what you're doing/saying.

I haven't had to touch the phone or video game privileges since for behavior issues.
 
#32 ·
#33 · (Edited)
Thank you for this! I've read Townsend's Boundaries in Marriage and found it very helpful. I've read so many parenting books and most recently, The Awakened Family, but so many don't seem to help. My son really does best with boundaries, so I think this one would actually be very helpful. Downloading it today!

Ps. I forwarded link to husband and asked him to tell me which format he'd prefer because it would mean a lot to me if he'd read it too ;)
 
#34 ·
Like JLD, I have 4 boys (two of them are adults now). I've always gotten along with them, and over the years we've had lots of fun and laughs. But one thing they know not to do with me is to be (overly) disrespectful, because they know I'll come down on that crap pretty hard.

Unfortunately, they sometimes feel freer to talk to their mom harshly. The thing I've found that's worked the best in that situation (I've had to do it twice now) is a Come-to-Jesus meeting where I get in their face a bit and tell them that she is my wife, and there's no way in hell that they're going to speak to my wife that way. In that instant, it's irrelevant whether she's their mother, I'm simply not going to stand for the woman I married being treated that way, and to their credit they got the point immediately.
 
#36 ·
But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.
1) Buy a barrel

2) Put it out on the front lawn

3) Text his friends to come over

4) Throw all his stuff into the barrel

5) Pour lighter fluid on it and ignite.


He'll never disrespect you again.
 
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#37 ·
I believe it. Problem is, I don't have back up from husband, who would likely get upset with me for destroying his property.

He went through a phase of door slamming so hard it would shake the entire house. I warned him that if he continued to do it, we would remove his bedroom door. He did it again and I unhinged his door. He was so embarassed when friends came over that he begged us to put it back on, which my husband did. He never slammed a door again.
 
#38 ·
Do you remember what you were like as a teen?

I have 3 sons. All grown men now. I'm very proud of them. There is a list of things to remember when dealing with a teen.

01. What do you want your relationship to be in 10 or 15 years from now?

02. It's temporary. Whatever it is it's temporary.

03. Hormones.

04. You and he are both going through the same thing. It is part of the pain of separating of one functioning social arrangement into two.

05. Always keep in mind that there are things you can say or do that you can not take back. You can get past it but it is always there.

06. Make them be responsible for their choices.

07. You need to earn respect from your children. It is not given. Children sometimes grow up thinking that parents are servants.

08. They hate being dependent on you until they understand that it is the best thing that ever happened to them.

09. You are their teacher. They are what you teach them to be.

10. Killing them will get you in trouble.
 
#39 ·
My boys are 25 and 27 now. I think I've just blocked out a lot of their teenage years :)

I am a huge believer in natural consequences. So if we're in the car and they start in on me, I stop and they have to get out and I drive away. If they don't show up to pick their sister up after school and instead go to the mall and get high, I confine them to their room until they come down and then find out where they got the pot and call that friends mother and tell them and also tell them that if their son supplies my son with pot again I will be calling the cops. If they don't come home by curfew and won't answer their phone that I pay for, I go to the friends house where I think they are and bang on the door to wake everyone up and see if they are there and when I find out they are I take them home. If they have a party while we are away and one of their friends breaks a window I get that friends phone number from the cell bill that I pay (after calling several of their other friends to find out who it was) and harass them until I get my window replaced. If they won't get up for school I blow an airhorn at them.

Those things actually happened. Only once. They HATED when I involved their friends. I think I might have briefly been known as psycho mom. Or maybe not so briefly. Oh, and I still pay for the cell bill (I get reimbursed now), and they damned well answer me if I call or text them too :)
 
#41 ·
LOL.. I did the air horn thing once too! Worked like a charm but it traumatized the dog so I've been afraid to go there again. My boys still have a lot of trouble getting up so I'm just very firm that if they don't get up they will have to walk since I'm only making one trip (we don't have bus service). That usually works. Occasionally I break out the Megaphone as the dog doesn't mind that as much!
 
#40 ·
Oh, by the way, discipline was pretty much up to me because the kids were from my first marriage and the boys didn't develop good relationships with their stepdad till after the teen years were over. My oldest son and he actually got into a fistfight once.
 
#45 ·
Mr HB does not back me up at all.... he mostly sees it as me stirring the pot and creating drama. It's very frustrating.

Recently, my 15 year old was supposed to have a friend visit for the weekend from out of state to attend a local convention together. My son was particularly mouthy toward me the week prior, actually F-bombed me which I will not tolerate. And then refused to even apologize as I was being difficult. Mr HB did not back me up at all. The weekend in question Mr HB and my other son were away attending a college weekend, so I would be home with the other two boys and the friend all weekend... needing to provide them rides all weekend... AND my work schedule is busiest on the weekends.

I was so upset by his behavior and lack of remorse that I made him call his friend to cancel the visit, and also made him work to earn the money to reimburse his friend for his bus ticket and convention admission. Mr HB thought it was too harsh, but Mr HB wasn't going to be there to cater to him all weekend.

I so wish he would just do what @GTdad described and stick up for me. I have asked him to say those very words SO many times. He just won't :(
 
#48 ·
Mr HB does not back me up at all.... he mostly sees it as me stirring the pot and creating drama. It's very frustrating.

This is exactly how I feel too. My husband acts like I've disciplined HIM when I give son a consequence.

Recently, my 15 year old was supposed to have a friend visit for the weekend from out of state to attend a local convention together. My son was particularly mouthy toward me the week prior, actually F-bombed me which I will not tolerate. And then refused to even apologize as I was being difficult. Mr HB did not back me up at all. The weekend in question Mr HB and my other son were away attending a college weekend, so I would be home with the other two boys and the friend all weekend... needing to provide them rides all weekend... AND my work schedule is busiest on the weekends.

These are our issues too.

I was so upset by his behavior and lack of remorse that I made him call his friend to cancel the visit, and also made him work to earn the money to reimburse his friend for his bus ticket and convention admission. Mr HB thought it was too harsh, but Mr HB wasn't going to be there to cater to him all weekend.

Yep, just making him cancel the friend visit would be too harsh here.

I so wish he would just do what @GTdad described and stick up for me. I have asked him to say those very words SO many times. He just won't :(
Not in my husband's DNA either. His dad is the same, let his mom handle all discipline. But my husband wasn't this disrespectful to his mom. I just don't get it. My son and I were very close when he was younger, and I get that teens need to separate, but the disrespect is just so mean. I never taught him to behave this way. I don't swear or call names, I don't say mean things to people. I have my faults, but I don't see where he is getting this from.
 
#53 ·
Jessica
What jumps out at me about the socks thing and friends...
Yes you are right to think he should buy the next pair. But don't threaten to do so, or embarrass him. Just do it. let him go buy more. When he's out, he's out. Too bad.
It's more of "matter of fact" attitude.
Let him fail, fall due to his own lack of foresight or gratitude .
I wouldn't say a word about it.


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#56 ·
Jessica
What jumps out at me about the socks thing and friends...
Yes you are right to think he should buy the next pair. But don't threaten to do so, or embarrass him. Just do it. let him go buy more. When he's out, he's out. Too bad.
It's more of "matter of fact" attitude.
Let him fail, fall due to his own lack of foresight or gratitude .
I wouldn't say a word about it.
EXACTLY. Shaming them in front of their friends isn't the goal. With the socks thing, I'd just say "Hmm, you don't have any socks? Didn't I just buy you a pair?" and that would be it. If he then asked for me to buy him another pair, I'd simply say nope, and leave it at that. And ignore the haranguing. When he whines about the fact he doesn't have the money, I'd reply "Hmm, you have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"

Actually, that line "Hmm, you have a problem. What are you going to do about it?" used to make my kids SO mad, because they know when I said it that I was NOT coming to their rescue. Because I never did.

As for your husband, I know what you mean about talking to him and that not working. You can employ all of the 'active listening' and humility and openness and vulnerability in the world, all that does is make you feel like you've been banging your head against a wall.

I actually do have to give older son daily rides or he would not be able to participate in sports, which is his life. He needs the healthy outlet for his intensity. .
No, actually, you don't. You have a choice here. All you need to do is make it clear to your son first, and your husband second, calmly and matter of factly, that you are unable to continue doing what you've been doing under the circumstances you've been doing it. It will stop NOW. If husband will come on board and start backing you up, you can resume ride duties. But until that time, you can't do it, and it is therefore husbands responsibility to arrange something for son to get to his sports games. Whether husband pays for cabs, or arranges another kids parent, or gets him a bus pass, or WHATEVER, husband is the one who has to make sure he gets there, by whatever means it takes.

If you landed in the hospital, who would take him?? Your husband is perfectly capable of figuring this out, is he not?
 
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