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post #61 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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My advice: Do not let your son get you to the point of anger. If he is not interacting with you in a reasonable away, you just stop and disconnect. Let HIM suffer the consequence of your disconnection. He caused it, he needs to see the result of his actions.

When you teach him how to respectfully interact with you, then you can talk with him like an adult and enjoy his company. How could you possibly have any kind of relationship with a son who bullies you. And that is EXACTLY what he is doing. He's bullying you. You don't seem to see that.

Consequences are the only thing that will change behavior. Don't give him consequences and this will all get worse. Don't be mean, don't lose your temper, just disengage and let the cards fall where they may. You are not his taxicab. You are not his wealthy sponsor. You are his parent. Anything you do for him other than provide food and shelter and safety is a privilege. YOU have taught him that he is ENTITLED to all this. He isn't, and needs to learn that.

Again, this is just my advice. I am not a perfect parent, either.
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I do think there is entitlement going on and I am putting a stop to it. Can you give me an example of how to disconnect? We are about to leave town for a tournament where we will all share a hotel room for 3 days. If he is rude/disrespectful to me, I know my husband will address it by talking to him, but like you said, just talking with him does not stop the behavior. That has been our strategy for a while now and the behavior towards me is getting much worse. The only recourse I will have is to tell his coach and his coach will likely discipline him by benching him. But I'm not sure if making rude comments to me, or even just one rude comment, warrants this?

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post #62 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

I have a teenage son. Parenting a boy is so much more difficult than a girl. He is more quiet and reserved. Non-Communicative and very defensive. He demands more privacy and is very private.

My D throws everything out there. She shows all of her emotions and thoughts out for us to share, even if we don't want to hear it.

I am very respectful of his privacy. I am very watchful of him and try to figure out what is going on with him because he never says. I have tried different question techniques, none works. Every now and then, I get a trickle of info. I am training myself to go with this and let it be ok. Because I hear @Ynot, saying not to judge him. I am letting him be and I hope all that I have imparted to him in the last 18 years have left some sort of imprint on him.

We have a policy in our home, we speak with respect to everyone. We don't curse or say bad things to each other. We don't hurt each other. I remembered when my kids were in elementary school, my D said one day, dad is a ****ty dad because he never comes to any school event. I told her the reason her mother is able to attend all of her events is because her dad works long hours to support them and me, so that we can do all things we do. She never complained or bad mouth her dad again.

With my son, I allow him to manage his life. He has his things he does around the house, take out garbage, sort recycles, clean the hallway and he gets about @120 a week. What he does with his money, is on him. He never ask for more. He also, manages his after school stuff because he does not want me involved and I am letting him.

We are in the process of choosing college. He picked his own schools, never asked me where I wanted him to apply to. All he asked for was our tax return and his acct. balance. One day he asked me to do his FAFSA and his CSS, he gave me a list of schools and that was that. I would have liked for him to have applied to different schools but he did not give me the chance to do it.

This past two months we have been visiting his accepted schools and when ever I ask, where would you like to go....he always says, I don't know. Then, a few days ago he came into our bedroom and said, I am staying home to attend college and this is the school I am going to. I asked if he was worried about money because dad got this, he said no. He wanted to stay home. Ok. That was it. He does not require much from me I guess.

I am trying not to butt in and direct him too much. With our daughter it was so different. We were overly involved and she needed our input for everything. He is just different. I have to accept that because if I don't it will change our relationship. He is a sweet loving boy and I am thankful for that. I don't want him to become angry and resentful at me. So, I am giving him his space and room to grow.

He knows what we expect from him, he knows our boundaries and when ever he gets out of hand we just gently remind him. Some times I want to murder him, but I like living outside of jail. This morning on the way to school, he made me laugh when he asked if I will drop him off at college next year. I said, we will see.

I belief kids need boundaries and have an understanding of what is expected of them. Don't give them everything they ask for and don't give them the upper hand in the relationship. They are always going to test the boundaries to see what they can get away with.

At this point, I am just trying to teach my son to be self reliant and make good choices, that he can live with. Thats all I can do.
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post #63 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:53 AM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Thank you. I needed to hear this. I do think there is entitlement going on and I am putting a stop to it. Can you give me an example of how to disconnect? We are about to leave town for a tournament where we will all share a hotel room for 3 days. If he is rude/disrespectful to me, I know my husband will address it by talking to him, but like you said, just talking with him does not stop the behavior. That has been our strategy for a while now and the behavior towards me is getting much worse. The only recourse I will have is to tell his coach and his coach will likely discipline him by benching him. But I'm not sure if making rude comments to me, or even just one rude comment, warrants this?
Yes, it's simple. You load the stuff in the car, you turn the car towards home and there is no tournament for him. Will missing a tournament ruin his future? Will photosynthesis stop on the planet? Will the tides stop flowing?

You act like that this sport is as important as employment.

Show your son that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. He's not an idiot. HE will figure it out.
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post #64 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Yes, it's simple. You load the stuff in the car, you turn the car towards home and there is no tournament for him. Will missing a tournament ruin his future? Will photosynthesis stop on the planet? Will the tides stop flowing?

You act like that this sport is as important as employment.

Show your son that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. He's not an idiot. HE will figure it out.
Thank you again, this is very helpful to me. Can you give me advice on how to approach my husband with this? He's trying, he's listening to the Boundaries with Teens audiobook with me, and we had a good talk this morning about setting boundaries by instilling consequences for disrespect with teen, but I know that my husband will disagree with me if I do this because my son is rude to me once this afternoon or tomorrow before a game. It would take a lot more for him to even consider this a punishment that fits the crime. My husband's tolerance is simply MUCH higher than mine. Our younger son is in the tournament as well, though on a different team. He will want to talk to our son, or ignore the disrespectful behavior, which causes it to escalate. If I do this, my son will immediately apologize and beg to stay.

I have options- take 2 cars, or rent a car to drive home if need be. But it will require a lot of strength from me to do this alone. I agree with you, this is what needs to happen, and I know his coach absolutely will understand.
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post #65 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

He should not treat you like a person, he should treat you like a parent. In return, you treat him like your son. Actions have consequences and he needs to learn that. He treats you with respect or he gets no practice or video games or whatever.

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post #66 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

What's rude disrespectful and what isn't?
This is where you decide what's important and you let the rest go.
It helps to remember he's around a different crowd, his primary influences are no longer "adults".
Yelling, swearing, racist remarks, bullying others, physical violence could be possible boundaries.
Judging and criticizing others cannot really be your business, as it's true for him, at that moment.
But you can help him learn how to judge others.
If he criticizes how you drink loudly, ask him "hmm why do you think that" and keep asking him questions "why is it important to you" " how do you feel when that happens " etc etc
It's a way of not accepting criticism without judging people for judging you.
Hopefully that helps


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post #67 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

$120 allowance a week? Wow. Let's hope my kids don't read that 😁
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post #68 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 09:26 PM
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I'm curious as to how it got this way. Have they always been disrespectful? Did it seem to happen overnight, or was it a gradual process.

I guess I'm the oddball here; I have a 15 and 18 year old, and I can't remember the last time there was an "issue" of any kind. I can't say I experienced any teen grumpiness. It seems the older my kids got, the more mature they became.
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post #69 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 09:56 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Thank you again, this is very helpful to me. Can you give me advice on how to approach my husband with this? He's trying, he's listening to the Boundaries with Teens audiobook with me, and we had a good talk this morning about setting boundaries by instilling consequences for disrespect with teen, but I know that my husband will disagree with me if I do this because my son is rude to me once this afternoon or tomorrow before a game. It would take a lot more for him to even consider this a punishment that fits the crime. My husband's tolerance is simply MUCH higher than mine. Our younger son is in the tournament as well, though on a different team. He will want to talk to our son, or ignore the disrespectful behavior, which causes it to escalate. If I do this, my son will immediately apologize and beg to stay.

I have options- take 2 cars, or rent a car to drive home if need be. But it will require a lot of strength from me to do this alone. I agree with you, this is what needs to happen, and I know his coach absolutely will understand.
Honey, I am not ok with son being disrespectful to me. I spend my time doing things to give him social enjoyment, exciting sports activities, and anything else he desires to enrich his life. But lately, rather than respect and appreciation, I am getting talked down to, an entitled attitude, and spoken to as if I am an employee and he is the boss.
I need your support in giving plain and obvious consequences for this behavior. If it means going home in the middle of weekend plans a couple of times, I'm expecting your support. I am unable to have you to assist me in dealing with his behavior on a daily basis. I have to be able to know that our son is going to react in a respectful way when he's alone with me. In order to change his behavior, I need to impose stern consequences without you interfering.

If your husband won't support that (I think he will be happy to), then simply inform him that you will happily step back and let him deal with getting son to his activities, since he is better able to handle the boy. Just basically let him know that you are done with the disrespect and are planning on solving it in x,y,z way. I can't see why he wouldn't see the importance of this. What do you think he will say? (Your husband)
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post #70 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Btw, have you ever seen a kid that won't dare say a word to one parent, but walks all over the other?
You can darn well get some respect from your son by imposing consistent consequences for bad behavior. He may never speak to your husband in a way that you think is respectful, but he very well CAN learn to speak differently to you. And that's all in your power, if you choose to exercise it.

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post #71 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-29-2017, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Honey, I am not ok with son being disrespectful to me. I spend my time doing things to give him social enjoyment, exciting sports activities, and anything else he desires to enrich his life. But lately, rather than respect and appreciation, I am getting talked down to, an entitled attitude, and spoken to as if I am an employee and he is the boss.
I need your support in giving plain and obvious consequences for this behavior. If it means going home in the middle of weekend plans a couple of times, I'm expecting your support. I am unable to have you to assist me in dealing with his behavior on a daily basis. I have to be able to know that our son is going to react in a respectful way when he's alone with me. In order to change his behavior, I need to impose stern consequences without you interfering.

If your husband won't support that (I think he will be happy to), then simply inform him that you will happily step back and let him deal with getting son to his activities, since he is better able to handle the boy. Just basically let him know that you are done with the disrespect and are planning on solving it in x,y,z way. I can't see why he wouldn't see the importance of this. What do you think he will say? (Your husband)
VERY helpful! My husband and I had a conversation along these lines before leaving for the weekend tournament on Friday and went over expectations with our kids right before starting the road trip. Teen was pleasant and respectful all weekend and has been all week. He genuinely seems happier, too, just all-around calmer.

Someone asked when the disrespect started. When he was younger, even an infant, I quickly learned that he responded favorably to a very strong routine- any deviation or unexpected transition was difficult for him, so for many years my husband acquiesced to my somewhat rigid schedule with the kids (consistent mealtimes, rest times, early bedtimes, etc.). The whole travel sports thing totally threw that off, as we were with 12 other families and not on our own schedule at all. This is when things started to go south in terms of behavior, discipline, etc., and lack of support from my husband due to him not agreeing or wanting to follow a schedule/routine anymore. So this is when I stepped back, since it was causing stress and arguments. This is also when the disrespect started, so it has been escalating for a couple of years, but this year it was becoming much worse.

I'm now having to learn to address the behavior and talk about what could be contributing to the irritation, aggression, etc. (poor sleep, poor diet, exhaustion). My husband was very helpful this past weekend with that. I'm sure we will revisit the conversation again, but I think the key is staying one step ahead and setting expectations and agreeing on what to do if they are not met.
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post #72 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-29-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Wishing you the best, glad you had a good weekend. Interesting how they respond when they think there might be actual consequences for bad behavior. Even more interesting ha how they are a whooe heckuva lot happier when boundaries are known and bad behavior isn't tolerated.

I think that's awesome that you and your husband got on the same page and things went smoothly.
Sure makes for a better week when the weekend is without drama and harmony exists...
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post #73 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-29-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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$120 allowance a week? Wow. Let's hope my kids don't read that 😁
Pretty wild. I got $1/day until I was 16, which wasnt that log ago!
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