How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:10 PM Thread Starter
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How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

For those of you with teenage boys (or who have raised teenage boys), can you share some practical ideas for handling the disrespect?

My son is now in the phase of openly talking back, arguing, and criticizing me and today was especially challenging.

I was 2 min late (and still 15 min early for when we actually needed to leave- he likes to get to sports practice VERY early) getting into the car because I'd been checking texts from his coach to make sure practice was still on (rainy today and coach said stay tuned). He was screaming in the car while I was checking texts.

I got in, told him he didn't need to scream, I was checking his coach's texts. Son ignores me, looks at phone. I say "Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"

He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"

I turn off the ignition and explain that I won't be driving him to practice if he treats me like that. He apologizes. We drive 2 streets and he starts arguing that all he did was ask why I always say to treat me like a person, it's so weird.

I pull over. He is giving me dirty looks. Finally, we get to practice, and he tells me that I make everything a big deal. I remind him that he's the one who was screaming in the car. He says "OMG! Everything is an issue!"

He screamed today when reminded to put away his laundry. He growled when told to do a chore before video games. Each time, I called him on it and it turned into "OMG, you're SO strict."

Then he started criticizing me for telling his brother to throw away the banana peel.

I'm at my wits end. He lost device privileges for his rudeness.

But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.

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post #2 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:19 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Explain what's expected before hand. Provide feedback and positive reinforcement.

Talk to them. A lot.

Start all of the above at age 2.
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post #3 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

If you Don't threaten and actually give consequences--- it will change.
Kids ignore yelling, reason, etc---- but like all humans, they remember and respect consequences.

If he misbehaves, he misses practice. Get backup from your weak disciplinarian husband.

If he still misbehaves, he loses tv and conputer privileges.

Don't give in, show strength.
Gain respect. Result--- different attitude. But it takes effort. Can't give in.

Last edited by Evinrude58; 04-19-2017 at 09:28 PM.
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post #4 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
If you Don't threaten and actually give consequences--- it will change.
Kids ignore yelling, reason, etc---- but like all humans, they remember and respect consequences.

If he misbehaves, he misses practice. Get backup from your weak disciplinarian husband.

If he still misbehaves, he loses tv and conputer privileges.

Don't give in, show strength.
Gain respect. Result--- different attitude. But it takes effort. Can't give in.
Can you help me figure out at what point exactly in my original post to have him miss practice (which is a MUCH bigger deal to him than losing device privileges)? When he was screaming in the car? Or earlier in the day when he was loudly balking at expected chores? Or when he criticized my parenting his younger bro?

And do I warn him at all first, or do guys just respect the instant consequence more?

I stopped the car twice and both times felt that I should not continue driving him, but backed out because I knew his coach would be disappointed and my son apologized. I know you're right- he should not be there right now. I need to know exactly at what point though to take it that far.

Thanks for your support, I'm still pretty upset (with myself mostly for allowing it).
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post #5 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

So sorry. Trade you my step daughter for an hour. But that would be cruel.
Teenagers are cranky, hormones, pressure to "get a life" all that stuff.
Take some time to decide what's really a big deal. Talk to your husband about it.
The rest...you gotta let him decide what kind of person he wants to be. He's not you.
He doesn't think like you
He doesn't know what "treat me like a person" is.
Your cute kids turn into these grisly half beings so you CAN let them go into the world. Ha ha.


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post #6 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:29 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
For those of you with teenage boys (or who have raised teenage boys), can you share some practical ideas for handling the disrespect?



My son is now in the phase of openly talking back, arguing, and criticizing me and today was especially challenging.



I was 2 min late (and still 15 min early for when we actually needed to leave- he likes to get to sports practice VERY early) getting into the car because I'd been checking texts from his coach to make sure practice was still on (rainy today and coach said stay tuned). He was screaming in the car while I was checking texts.



I got in, told him he didn't need to scream, I was checking his coach's texts. Son ignores me, looks at phone. I say "Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"



He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"



I turn off the ignition and explain that I won't be driving him to practice if he treats me like that. He apologizes. We drive 2 streets and he starts arguing that all he did was ask why I always say to treat me like a person, it's so weird.



I pull over. He is giving me dirty looks. Finally, we get to practice, and he tells me that I make everything a big deal. I remind him that he's the one who was screaming in the car. He says "OMG! Everything is an issue!"



He screamed today when reminded to put away his laundry. He growled when told to do a chore before video games. Each time, I called him on it and it turned into "OMG, you're SO strict."



Then he started criticizing me for telling his brother to throw away the banana peel.



I'm at my wits end. He lost device privileges for his rudeness.



But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.


I have 3 boys: 17, 15 and 11. Love them to death but the teenage years are definitely challenging!

I'm still trying to find the magic bullet myself so I'll be following your thread as well and you have my empathy

Biggest problem in our house is that Mr HB won't back me up as he finds discipline too stressful and he likes being the fun parent. He also has significant health issues so he loses patience faster and is more prone to let them get away with being rude just to make them stop.

I on the other hand can't stand it. A few things work temporarily: shutting off cell phones and blocking them out of wifi through the router. No rides to activities, that sort of thing.

They are expected to do chores but still fight back pretty regularly. It's very slowly improving the more consistent I am.

Stay strong! They will grow up eventually, right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway!


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post #7 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:31 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

It sounds to me like your son was feeling very anxious and not knowing how to communicate that, just as most people and most especially people of the male persuasion, he jumped down your throat instead.

I really like the way you stood up for yourself and insisted he treat you the way you wish to be treated, that was awesome! Honestly, I've seen sooooo many parents, typically mothers though, who allow their teens to speak to them in absolutely disgraceful ways! So well done!

Okay back to late to practice... in the moment your best bet is to do exactly what you did. Later on though, have a chat about what was going on with him at the time and don't let him mumble how he hates to be late. He needs to dig deeper and identify what was making him feel so out of sorts that he thought talking to you that way was okay to do. This chat needs to be calm calm calm. Best to be done when you're driving and he knows you can't see his face but he can't walk away. The car is the BEST place to talk to kids to get them to dig deep and open up.

As far as his, "OMG You're so strict!" goes, you can pat yourself on the back because if a parent of teen isnt hearing that at least once per month, you're doing it wrong. That's a general rule kind of thing, every kid is different and some kids are very content without pushing boundaries.

It's directed at you because of a few reasons and you can decide which one you like best.
1. Your husband doesn't enforce boundaries so your son doesn't push back.
2. Your husband has already smacked your son enough that your son doesn't push around him.
3. Your husband isn't involved enough to be in the position of enforcing boundaries.
4. Your the safe parent with whom he can be his emotional self and that means the nasty emotional self as well as the needy emotional self.
5. Your son does mouth off to his father but his father doesn't react to it so it's not a big deal to either of them.

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post #8 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:35 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

You need to let him know when you and he are both calm that raising his voice to you in any way will result in xxxxxx. Expect to enforce that within two days.
Then expect to reinforce it with another consequence when he tests you. He won't test you a third time, most likely. If he does, follow through every time.
Work on one thing at a time.

But reinforce that one thing with an iron fist. Yelling at YOU? Lol, yeah, I'd get him, lol.

He will figure out quickly that you aren't bs'ing on the yelling.
Then do the same thing with not doing chores without complaint.

New kid in two months.

Iron fist. He says you're strict? He's baiting you. He knows exactly what you'll tolerate. Change your tolerance.

I'll bet he's an intelligent kid-- probably 110- 130 IQ at least.
Schoolwork comes easy to him?

I'm no expert, btw. My teenager is a jerk,too. But the boundaries have a narrower range, lol.
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post #9 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Originally Posted by heartbroken50 View Post
I have 3 boys: 17, 15 and 11. Love them to death but the teenage years are definitely challenging!

I'm still trying to find the magic bullet myself so I'll be following your thread as well and you have my empathy

Biggest problem in our house is that Mr HB won't back me up as he finds discipline too stressful and he likes being the fun parent. He also has significant health issues so he loses patience faster and is more prone to let them get away with being rude just to make them stop.

I on the other hand can't stand it. A few things work temporarily: shutting off cell phones and blocking them out of wifi through the router. No rides to activities, that sort of thing.

They are expected to do chores but still fight back pretty regularly. It's very slowly improving the more consistent I am.

Stay strong! They will grow up eventually, right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway!


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Ok, so you don't give rides either when they are disrespectful, good to know. I'm on it with the devices, but you're right- it's only temporary.

And I have the same issue with the husband- his "focus on the positive" bs really chaps my hide in these instances.

@crocus, you think I should ignore it when he acts like this? Ugh...I literally cannot stand it. It violates every boundary in my body to be treated so poorly by someone, especially as I am doing things for them. It just feels so wrong to me.
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post #10 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:39 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
It sounds to me like your son was feeling very anxious and not knowing how to communicate that, just as most people and most especially people of the male persuasion, he jumped down your throat instead.

I really like the way you stood up for yourself and insisted he treat you the way you wish to be treated, that was awesome! Honestly, I've seen sooooo many parents, typically mothers though, who allow their teens to speak to them in absolutely disgraceful ways! So well done!

Okay back to late to practice... in the moment your best bet is to do exactly what you did. Later on though, have a chat about what was going on with him at the time and don't let him mumble how he hates to be late. He needs to dig deeper and identify what was making him feel so out of sorts that he thought talking to you that way was okay to do. This chat needs to be calm calm calm. Best to be done when you're driving and he knows you can't see his face but he can't walk away. The car is the BEST place to talk to kids to get them to dig deep and open up.

As far as his, "OMG You're so strict!" goes, you can pat yourself on the back because if a parent of teen isnt hearing that at least once per month, you're doing it wrong. That's a general rule kind of thing, every kid is different and some kids are very content without pushing boundaries.

It's directed at you because of a few reasons and you can decide which one you like best.
1. Your husband doesn't enforce boundaries so your son doesn't push back.
2. Your husband has already smacked your son enough that your son doesn't push around him.
3. Your husband isn't involved enough to be in the position of enforcing boundaries.
4. Your the safe parent with whom he can be his emotional self and that means the nasty emotional self as well as the needy emotional self.
5. Your son does mouth off to his father but his father doesn't react to it so it's not a big deal to either of them.
Your 5 reasons were accurate.

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post #11 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You need to let him know when you and he are both calm that raising his voice to you in any way will result in xxxxxx. Expect to enforce that within two days.
Then expect to reinforce it with another consequence when he tests you. He won't test you a third time, most likely. If he does, follow through every time.
Work on one thing at a time.

But reinforce that one thing with an iron fist. Yelling at YOU? Lol, yeah, I'd get him, lol.

He will figure out quickly that you aren't bs'ing on the yelling.
Then do the same thing with not doing chores without complaint.

New kid in two months.

Iron fist. He says you're strict? He's baiting you. He knows exactly what you'll tolerate. Change your tolerance.

I'll bet he's an intelligent kid-- probably 110- 130 IQ at least.
Schoolwork comes easy to him?

I'm no expert, btw. My teenager is a jerk,too. But the boundaries have a narrower range, lol.
I am copying this post into my notes app. Thank you very much. Yes, he's highly intelligent, in TAG at school. And he's very intense. Never needs help with school work and loves sports. On paper, he's a great kid. But I'm big on behavior first, which is what I keep telling him, but it's not getting through.

I agree- time for action. I've had enough.
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post #12 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:45 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

It's a battle of wills with anyone.

Just make sure you are the one who perseveres. Whose will is unshakeable. Kids don't all yell at their parents. Mine has once or twice. There were tears flying.
That was time to keep my cool and step back. Don't escalate.

I guess I'm just saying you are correct in that your son should not be doing what he's doing.
Yes, if you allow this it will carry over to his later life.
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post #13 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
It sounds to me like your son was feeling very anxious and not knowing how to communicate that, just as most people and most especially people of the male persuasion, he jumped down your throat instead.

I really like the way you stood up for yourself and insisted he treat you the way you wish to be treated, that was awesome! Honestly, I've seen sooooo many parents, typically mothers though, who allow their teens to speak to them in absolutely disgraceful ways! So well done!

Okay back to late to practice... in the moment your best bet is to do exactly what you did. Later on though, have a chat about what was going on with him at the time and don't let him mumble how he hates to be late. He needs to dig deeper and identify what was making him feel so out of sorts that he thought talking to you that way was okay to do. This chat needs to be calm calm calm. Best to be done when you're driving and he knows you can't see his face but he can't walk away. The car is the BEST place to talk to kids to get them to dig deep and open up.

As far as his, "OMG You're so strict!" goes, you can pat yourself on the back because if a parent of teen isnt hearing that at least once per month, you're doing it wrong. That's a general rule kind of thing, every kid is different and some kids are very content without pushing boundaries.

It's directed at you because of a few reasons and you can decide which one you like best.
1. Your husband doesn't enforce boundaries so your son doesn't push back.
2. Your husband has already smacked your son enough that your son doesn't push around him.
3. Your husband isn't involved enough to be in the position of enforcing boundaries.
4. Your the safe parent with whom he can be his emotional self and that means the nasty emotional self as well as the needy emotional self.
5. Your son does mouth off to his father but his father doesn't react to it so it's not a big deal to either of them.
Thank you so much for this post. I will have a chat with him after his practice. I never do this, so thank you very much, I didn't even think bringing it up again would be helpful but what you're saying makes so much sense.

And reasons 1, 4, and 5 apply to our situation. It's very frustrating because my intense kid (who does run anxious) seems to do best with boundaries in all ways, has since he was an infant, except with his dad. He genuinely likes my husband more and is really close to him, and my husband does not enforce boundaries with him at all. I've stood up to my husband about this too, it has been an issue for us. But it's genuinely not in him, and I can't force him to discipline. If my son did his screaming, yelling thing, my husband might say quietly "C'mon, you don't need to do that." And that's it. Every time.

But I think the "safe" part with me is that he wants to save face with my husband. He gets embarassed because sometimes my husband will say something totally non-PC like "you're being a baby." But no consequence.
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post #14 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
It's a battle of wills with anyone.

Just make sure you are the one who perseveres. Whose will is unshakeable. Kids don't all yell at their parents. Mine has once or twice. There were tears flying.
That was time to keep my cool and step back. Don't escalate.

I guess I'm just saying you are correct in that your son should not be doing what he's doing.
Yes, if you allow this it will carry over to his later life.
Thank you for this. It helps so much, especially when I keep hearing that "this is just how teenagers are." I'm starting to want to avoid my son as much as possible.
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post #15 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:52 PM
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Re: How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect

Jessica
Nope nowhere did I say ignore it. "Decide what's important ".
Listen, as he is telling you what some of the conflict is. "Everything is a big deal". And he did tell you he didn't know what "treat me like a person " means.
Aside from the tone or yelling, take away the message. Out of respect for him. As a separate person.
HOW he communicates needs to be taught and practiced.
Consequences for that, but not the message. If it were me, I would say thank you for sharing your input, I will consider how you feel. (Later, of course) but provide him tips for how to share / communicate and make it clear THAT is what was unacceptable


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