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I don't know what to do. My 12 year old daughter, I'll call her Zoe, became good friends with a girl, also her age, I'll call her Ash, this school year.
Ash dresses pretty much in all black, all the time and dyes her hair black also. She considers herself Emo, more than anything else. I don't really know what emo is, but I wouldn't consider her goth.
So time goes by and they start coming over to each other's houses. When Ash is here, I pretty much just stay in the shadows and let the girls do whatever they want to do... movies, Wii, etc. I'm not great with interacting with kids, so I let them alone, but do monitor them. Usually after Ash has been here, her mother will have Zoe over, pretty much right away, like the next night, rather than the next weekend.
Here's the problem. When Ash is here, the mother calls up to six times. I was not real sure why the mother was calling. If Ash doesn't answer her cell phone, the mom will call my house phone. Last weekend I found out why the mom was calling. She called the cell phone, and they put her on speakerphone and I listened in. The mom called to talk about petty drama! They went on for at least five minutes about some boy - some boy that she saw when she was out or something... not some boy that Ash has interest in or anything! Well, what's his hair look like? I swear she went on for two minutes about his hair. So Ash didn't know much about this boy, and said that Zoe knows more about him than she does. So my daughter gets on the phone and was explaining this boy to her. Anyway, the mom was trying to find out who this boy likes and is going out with! I told Zoe to get off the phone and not to play into this crap. After the phone call, Ash tells me that her mom knows more about her friends than she does.
The next morning the mom called and was questioning her daughter about when/why she was on her myspace... ok, the kid brings her own laptop along with her when she comes here... is she not supposed to be on there? No, the mom had just seen that the daughter was on there at some point and just made small talk about it.
Can this stuff not wait til Ash gets home? It's ridiculous and I'm sick and tired of my phone ringing when she's here. When I picked Zoe up from Ash's house one time, this was the only time I had ever seen the mom, the girls were upstairs with a very close in age step sister, and Ash giggled. The mom yells up the steps, "Ash, what are you laughing at?" What??!! It was three girls on the Wii... are they not allowed to laugh? If the dad picks up the girl from my house, he asks if she's got everything, and will make a point to tell her once or twice before they're even out the door that she's supposed to call her mom when they get to the car and that she probably just wants to ask if she's got everything. What?
So last night Ash and Zoe had planned to go see a movie today after school - been planning this for weeks. I would go pick up the kids and take them to the movie, it was all worked out. About 9:30 last night the mom calls. I get on the phone and she says, "Ash can't come over tomorrow (pause, and I say ok) because she told me to shut up." It wasn't the words she said, it was the way she said that... just like she was 12 - full of drama tone!!! Then I hear Ash in the background screaming and crying at the top of her lungs, some rustling, and the mom saying I have to go, and she hung up. I was pissed!!!! Who does that to their child? The phone call was obviously made in the heat of the moment in the middle of the fight. How ignorant to do that to your kid!!
So the phone rings again a few minutes later. I picked it up and she says, "Ash can't go tomorrow." I say, "look lady, this has got to stop..."
Mom - what did I do - in that same 12 year old tone like she was talking to her parents and trying to act all innocent
Me - How can you do that to your kid? I don't need to know why she can't come. My phone has got to stop ringing because my husband is in bed trying to sleep.
Mom - Sorry
Me - click
I really don't know what I said to her, but it was something along those lines. I know I told her the part about my husband sleeping and not needing to know why the kid can't come.
So here's my question... If Ash is ever allowed to come over again, how can I curb the phone calls?
I realized why the kid dresses in all black, I realized why the mom is so quick to have my daughter over... it's not to be generous and return the favor, it's to keep tabs on the kids and annoy them. I realized why the kids would rather be here than at Ash's house.
I feel like I should call the lady and try to get permission to let the kids go this afternoon. But how does one deal with a control freak? And how do I get the phone calls to tone down when the kid is here?
I'll tell ya... my daughter curled up to me last night and sure was glad for the relationship we have.
Always such a tough situation. Everyone is intitled to bring there kids up how they see fit but its so hard not to say something when what you see is so crazy.
some people have better parenting skills ,some kids seem more mature then there parents!
Id phone the mother and apologise and ask if you could meet for a coffee, then you can explain that although she finds it hard not to keep phoning her daughter its stopping the children from playing and having a good time .Tell her that next time she stays over a goodnight call would be fine unless it was a emergency.
Its always better for all concerned to get along even if it is hard at times good luck .
Sounds like the lady wishes she was 12 years old and could gossip about boys.
Big problems down the road for her daughter, becuase her mother wants to be her friend and not her mother.
My son had a good friend whose mother was a drunk. She called me up a few times to say something about ehr husband, or complain about my son...while trashed.
She thought her son was an angel and he had full control of his mother. so much so she quit her job becuase her son told her he did not get to see her enough.
Finally one day the boy and his cousin called our house and decided to prank me, with explicit curses....thought though I was clueless....Untill I called them back isn't caller ID a beautiful thing. I told my son's friend, he is to never call my house again, I then called his parents , no one answered, but I left a detailed message of what the boys did and what number they called from and why I was so angry and I told them to never call our house again.
any normal parent would call up to find out what happened and straighten this mess out...not these two, they are cowards.
I then said to my son, If he were to ever do anything like that I would smack him so hard he wouldn't know his own name, that a Friend does not curse out a another friends parent. I also exploained good friends don't do that, you have good friends that do the right things, those are friends, not ones that get you in trouble.
Again I see big trouble for this girl ash down the line, If I were you I would have Zoe back off from the friendship slowly
Wow, I got a much better response on here than I did on the parenting forum! They basically told me to take it or leave it. Thanks you guys!!
Anyway, yes, I realize that everyone can raise their children how they wish. The problem is when it insults me. When the lady calls her daughter umpteen times in 24 hours, it makes me feel like she's checking up on me. The mom does ask if she's eaten and what she's eaten. I can care for kids, and guess what... I'm even certified to be around them... background check and drug tests and even... ooohhhh... an FBI check.
I feel like my daughter is being punnished along with Ash. The mom told her she could go. We had the plans laid out. Now she can't go. Now my daughter won't go without her friend, which I think is gracious.
GASOCCERMAN... I'm not sure the mother wants to be her friend or wants to smother her or be her. I don't quite get it. I want to be my daughter's friend, but I know that I must be a parent first. Yes, I do see big problems down the road, whatever the situation is. And you're right... friends should not get you in trouble like your son!! That was a cute story. I'm not sure telling my daughter that she shouldn't be friends with Ash is a good idea. I almost feel like my house is a safe haven for the kid, even if the mom is constantly calling. They like being here more than being there.
Humpty... that's all I want is to get along and avoid her drama and have her tone down the phone calls while her daughter visits... is that too much?
Ugh, this is what makes life interesting I guess, huh? lol
sounds just like my house !! i always have a home full of kids I dont think its a good idea to tell your daughter not to be friends though i do think its better for them find out whos a good friend and who isnt. You can guide them but they have to make mistakes to learn.
Its not to much to ask her not to phone so often. When my kids stay out for the night i do like to phone and say night thats all thats needed.
I agree. The girl hasn't done anything wrong yet, so I wouldn't stop your daughter from being friends with her.
Also, on the Emo thing. Emo can be a style or a life style. Emo kids are the ones you see that are somewhat goth. They where the black clothes and the black hair. They will have their hair covering their faces and even their eyes (the boys and the girls)...
The one thing about a REAL Emo type, is they are a very depressive person. The world sucks, they suck, everyone sucks, everything sucks. That's the easy way of putting it. They are all about not conforming to society and trying to be individualistic (which is ironic because they all look the same). If you google it, you will see a lot of things about Emo's committing suicide and things like that because they are typically depressed and would be considered outcasts from the "norm" even though in many cases, they outcast themselves by choice
BUT, before you get worried, a lot of it is just clothing and style... just because they dress like an Emo doesn't mean that they are going to go an kill themselves or something. Especially with a girl that's this age, it's probably just a stage in her life. Maybe because her mother smothers her so much or something, who knows.
I can understand calling once or twice, but as often as this lady does for the stupid stuff she does? Come on. Yes, call to say goodnight, that's awesome, great.
Humpty... when you say it's not much to ask her not to phone, what do you mean? It's no big deal to ask that of her? Or that I really shouldn't go there?
It was happening to me I would say they are really busy playing right now ill get her to phone to wish you good night there really isnt any need for you to call or worry shes safe and having a good time.
Tell her your husband works shifts and her calling wakes him and he need to sleep .
Thank you gpr... that clears up some of the emo thing. Kind of ties in with the jap anime, doesn't it? They always seem so depressed. I do kind of see her being emo to try to "hide" from her mom or something. And the mother is very smothering.
As with so many things in our society... what was originally meant to make a statement and to be individualistic... ends up catching on and does the opposite. It becomes mainstream and stylish. That's why I said to not worry so much about her actually having any depression or problems. 12 year old girls are always trying to find or create themselves. This is more likely just a stage in her growing up.
Yeah, Ash doesn't have that hairstyle, it's just long and in her face. Plus, she wears these fingerless "gloves" (black of course) with skulls on them. Or these long things that go up her arms, fingerless too.
One time she forgot pj's and Zoe put her in a pink pair of hers. It was torture on Ash, but she wore them. =)
my daughter's friend's overbearing mother 
I dont think its a good idea to tell your daughter not to be friends though i do think its better for them find out whos a good friend and who isnt. You can guide them but they have to make mistakes to learn.
