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I have two boys 10 and 18.
My husband seems to pick on my youngest more now that my oldest is working and has a job and HF.
Yesterday he told my son if he doesn't finish his dinner he gets no snacks ever again. He used to say no snacks for the night but my son would always say OK then ask later in the evening. The answer was no of course. So last night my son said ok to no snacks ever. Knowing full well he couldn't stick to that punishment his Dad agreed. His punishments are a little extreme. If dad is in a bad mood from work he will verbally yell at him or hits him lightly upside the head. He never spends time with any of the boys. He tells me I am too nice to the boys. No I am just the voice of reason. My youngest has comes to me crying saying he cannot deal with his dad any longer and he wants me to leave him. Any suggestions? My son is seeing the social worker at school but he hasn't brought this up because he doesn't want to cry. Posted via Mobile Device
OK, I'm going to try and not read too much into what you said - because it does not look very good to me. BUT.
I think you should have a talk with the hubby and formulate a discipline strategy ahead of time that can be at the ready when needed. Then he will not be in a position of reacting on the spot - since he obviously cant think clearly or rationally when pressed to do something. I also dont think biffing the 10 year old upside the head is necessary - there clearly are better ways to react to bad behavior than yelling and whacking. If your husband is unable to control his frustration or reactions in those types of situations - you need to find a way to define the rules ahead of time and try and remove that variable from the equation. He may welcome it as a chance to clarify the rules too if you are 'too nice' - and even to articulate the rules to the 10 years old so that he will know what to expect.
If your son is seeing the social worker - thats a good thing. I assume your hubby knows this as well.
I have zero tolerance for hitting kids - that, IMHO needs to be aired out. You should establish that it is unacceptible and that you need to find other ways to deal with it. And it isnt about inflicting pain... 'lightly hitting him upside the head' communicates to the child about how conflict is resolved and those are not the types of lessons you want to inject.
If I had a husband who was hitting my kids, yelling at them, and never spending any time with them, I would leave him. That is not the kind of person I could have any respect for, let alone live in the same house as.
Ugh. Yah, that's a problem. You don't have to discipline kids by yelling at them and hitting them. That makes you (or in this case, your H) the discipline problem. Dad clearly has no authentic power. His kids don't see any reason to look up to him. He has no power but threats. And fairly useless unenforceable ones at that.
I recommend you read: Children, The Challenge which is by Rudolph Dreikurs. It talks about natural consequences.
As for your H, I'm not sure.
For your son, I think next time he gets 'disciplined' like that, you get in your car that is pre-packed with overnight things and leave. But, be sure to tell your H that this will be a consequence of him making threats, hitting and yelling. That you respect his right to parent in his own way, but that as a parent yourself, you also respect your right to parent in your own way, and that means giving your son a reason to look up to you and to admire you and overall, to TRUST you.
Anotherguy: I agree with your thinking that I should talk to him about how we discipline my son. I have dne just that. Problem is he thinks that is the only way he will listen. Not true....he needs to step back and realize he isn't always right and needs to look at other ways of getting thru to him. Violence or raising your voice is not the answer. Its just difficult when he thinks he is right all the time. Posted via Mobile Device
Hope1964:
It is so nice to hear that everyone thinks he is wrong for doing what he doing to our son.
I hate bringing this up and starting all kinds of turmoil but he has to be stopped. My son doesn't deserve to be a nervous wreck around his dad. His dad stares at him while he is eating and picks on him for the little things he is doing wrong. He just cannot relax which makes me glad during the week we eat without him since he works until 8PM. Posted via Mobile Device
Bring your boy to a private counselor. He needs an adult that can help him learn coping strategies. Sending the boy to speak with the school social worker is not a great idea. A social worker is not a counselor, and are not heavily trained in this area, either. Sure, they take some psychology courses, but certainly not enough to treat your son. Also, the sessions are not protected health information under HIPPA federal laws. Bring him to a licensed psychologist, as you will not regret the move.
Why is your H so obsessed with him. Not finishing dinner isnt the biggest crime. Has your H a wide circle of friends. I think you have to somehow create for you H other outlets.
I'm going to say your husband is a bully, he is bullying the younger son because he knows he can get away with it and because he doesn't have the skills to parent any other way. That dynamic just becomes a habit for them, it can and needs to be changed. I'm not sure how receptive your husband would be but I think he needs to start by reading books on parenting, maybe even attending parenting classes and seeing a counselor. I would have your son see a counselor also, or even a life coach that works with young children.
Do you stand up for your son? I wouldn't start a fight with your husband in front of the boy, but when he spews out some ridiculous garbage like "do this NOW or you'll never EVER have this" send the boy out of the room and then confront your husband and ask him if he realizes how unrealistic it is to speak that way. And the hitting has to stop.
Accept: yes my husband has an online video game addiction.
He plays excessively on the weekends. He knows what he is saying is wrong and hurtful but doesn't think before he speaks. Then later when he cools down he thinks about apologizing. Too late at thathpoint!
Cooper:
I think you are correct. My husband does not understand what it means to be a father to his son. He helps very little with his homework and I sign him up for everything extracurricular. He attends none of the practices and when my oldest son, who is now 18 played football he went to none of his games.
I was the one who attended every practice and game. His excuse was he worked too late. That was a lame excuse. He would have missed 20 min of his games!
I confront him about my youngest son and tell him he needs to control himself and he lashes out at me and says he needs descipline. He doesn't get that he is hurting him emotionally. That is why I was thinking of moving on so that maybe he would appreciate him more if he was not around so much. Posted via Mobile Device
An online gaming addiction is not an outlet. Considering his time is being 'spent' it would be very hard to create a real outlet. You must both have some family. That seems to be the only thing.
I would also tell your son that his father has a problem and he should do his best to keep away and not antagonise him.
I have a ADHD child and he was out of control while young, I had him on medication which he lost 10lbs. my husband said no more medicine, and started dicipline he would correct and not let anything slide, as he got better and better. Now my son is an Air Man and has very good morals. I couldn't ask for a better son.
Honestly you need to have a talk with him ASAP...I wasn't at home one night and something happened without my knowledge. I was blindsided the next day with CPS and since I wasn't there when it happened and knew nothing of it I was able to take my boys..... Do it soon because if they find out you knew about it it could take forever to get your kid back... Just my two cents
I have a ADHD child and he was out of control while young, I had him on medication which he lost 10lbs. my husband said no more medicine, and started dicipline he would correct and not let anything slide, as he got better and better. Now my son is an Air Man and has very good morals. I couldn't ask for a better son.
You got lucky because my husband discplined our child and it turned bad because some states will not put up with Corpal punishment period for children with ADHD and other special needs.
Accept: yes my husband has an online video game addiction.
He plays excessively on the weekends. He knows what he is saying is wrong and hurtful but doesn't think before he speaks. Then later when he cools down he thinks about apologizing. Too late at thathpoint!
Cooper:
I think you are correct. My husband does not understand what it means to be a father to his son. He helps very little with his homework and I sign him up for everything extracurricular. He attends none of the practices and when my oldest son, who is now 18 played football he went to none of his games.
I was the one who attended every practice and game. His excuse was he worked too late. That was a lame excuse. He would have missed 20 min of his games!
I confront him about my youngest son and tell him he needs to control himself and he lashes out at me and says he needs descipline. He doesn't get that he is hurting him emotionally. That is why I was thinking of moving on so that maybe he would appreciate him more if he was not around so much. Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like it will take your husband going through what mine did a year ago to get it in his head. He was raised getting spankings (that left marks) he never realized or understood the damage he did until he was told by a third party. If you cant reach him by talking to him (I had the same talk to my husband a month before our CPS thing happened and he told me the same thing) Presently things are great and nothing happened to the hubby except for him knowing how to parent the right way now because they make you go through parenting classes.
5Likes
Verbally Abusive or Discipline? 
