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Hi All
I just joined this forum and am hoping to get lots of feedback from all the parents out there. I'll try to make this as brief as possible.
I have always said that I didn't want children. My life has been a bit unusual growing up. I was raised by a single mom and as a teenager she died. SO then I was on my own. It was my senior year in highschool and I had to declare myself an orphan with the state. Anyway, I think this had a lot to do with why i always said I didn't want children. there were other reasons too.
So, now im 35, have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 4 yrs. We both agreed before marriage that we did not want children, and that if i ever got pregnant by mistake we would of course keep it but that we didn't want them. Well over the past year I have been having serious second thoughts. And now, over the past 3 months I have really decided that I do want to make my own family and have kids.
A few of my other reasons to say No to kids was that I was terrified to have a toddler, seeing so many in stores having tantrums scared me, and then I was also terrified to have a teenager, seeing so many that are horrible to their parents, saying FU, using drugs etc, it scared me.
BUT, i have observed many families and it seems like children are a product of their environment and if you raise them to be respectful then they will be. And not all kids automatically turn out bad just because they hit 13 or so.
Soooo, now im really feeling I want children and want a family with my husband, and I have told him this - he is shocked and says needs time to think about it as its such a HUGE decision and so different than what we planned. He has asked that I stop bringing it up and give him time.....im afraid he'll say no, or say yes for me and then regret it.
So i guess im here because i have NO ONE else to talk to and its times like this that i wish i had a mom to talk to.........
I am still scared of having kids and i want to ask, how hard is it?
is raising an infant really aweful? what about teens, what about toddlers, how do you teach them to be good, respectable people, have you ever regretted having children?
OMG so many questions. I hope you guys dont think im crazy. I just am still scared at this new decision and hubby doesn't want me to talk about it with ANYONE we know (until he decides either way if he wants them or not).
So how has your parenting experience been like? i know a loaded question!! do the positives outweigh the negatives?????
When we chose to have kids... finally... after already been married for 10 years - similar to you, it was very scary-exciting all at the same time. Both of us never had any aspirations to have kids (and I mean NONE), its just that we got to a point in our lives where everything seemed to fall into place and it seemed that it was time. We had a home, good jobs.. we had lived a little, been married a while. I told her flat out that I wasnt sure our relationship could withstand kids. I was very unsure about the entire prospect. Eventually I warmed up to it, more quicky than I thought.
If you and your husband are in that place..of calmly considering it - congratulations... its really a fantastic time. Without knowing anything about you besides the few sentence you posted - my thoughts would be - forget the fear and doubt. You stated about 3 times that now you want to do it. My wife knew before I did that she was ready. I bet we mulled the idea over for a good year, maybe 2. We had our first when I was 39... she was 37. We had a second one later.
go for it.
Is it hard? sometimes. The first few years are a serious adjustment in life. Actually, forget that - your entire life changes pretty much forever. Everything changes.
But... it is also... without a doubt, THE best thing we ever have done. When I look back on us now... you know... ''BK" (before kids)... the carefree, d.i.n.k.s that we were - we seem like totally different people. How little did I know! We are more a family now, and it is a good thing. I bet it will get much harder as our kids get into the teenage years - not far off now.... is it is for many of my friends and family that I have watched, but from what I have seen... I dont think I have ever known anyone who said 'wish I didnt have kids'. Kids can challenge you.. but in a good way. If the concern and care with which you are considering this is any indication - you will probably be just fine.
Seems to me you know what you want. Throw yourself into it. You will be glad you did. Nothing worthwhile is easy.
You dont know ANYONE with kids you can talk with? Wow... I'd probably bust. My wife certainly would. :-)
Hi All
I just joined this forum and am hoping to get lots of feedback from all the parents out there. I'll try to make this as brief as possible.
I have always said that I didn't want children. My life has been a bit unusual growing up. I was raised by a single mom and as a teenager she died. SO then I was on my own. It was my senior year in highschool and I had to declare myself an orphan with the state. Anyway, I think this had a lot to do with why i always said I didn't want children. there were other reasons too.
So, now im 35, have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 4 yrs. We both agreed before marriage that we did not want children, and that if i ever got pregnant by mistake we would of course keep it but that we didn't want them. Well over the past year I have been having serious second thoughts. And now, over the past 3 months I have really decided that I do want to make my own family and have kids.
A few of my other reasons to say No to kids was that I was terrified to have a toddler, seeing so many in stores having tantrums scared me, and then I was also terrified to have a teenager, seeing so many that are horrible to their parents, saying FU, using drugs etc, it scared me.
BUT, i have observed many families and it seems like children are a product of their environment and if you raise them to be respectful then they will be. And not all kids automatically turn out bad just because they hit 13 or so.
Soooo, now im really feeling I want children and want a family with my husband, and I have told him this - he is shocked and says needs time to think about it as its such a HUGE decision and so different than what we planned. He has asked that I stop bringing it up and give him time.....im afraid he'll say no, or say yes for me and then regret it.
So i guess im here because i have NO ONE else to talk to and its times like this that i wish i had a mom to talk to.........
I am still scared of having kids and i want to ask, how hard is it?
is raising an infant really aweful? what about teens, what about toddlers, how do you teach them to be good, respectable people, have you ever regretted having children?
OMG so many questions. I hope you guys dont think im crazy. I just am still scared at this new decision and hubby doesn't want me to talk about it with ANYONE we know (until he decides either way if he wants them or not).
So how has your parenting experience been like? i know a loaded question!! do the positives outweigh the negatives?????
Any feedback would be really great please!!
Well, I can say, you're 35 now and a woman's fertility declines at around this time. Give your husband time, but if he says no and you really want them, you're going to have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you and worth divorcing and meeting someone else who wants them. Don't trick him into parenthood if he doesn't want them.
As for children, I have 4 of them and they are at times, very trying on my nerves, but all in all I love them and wouldn't change a thing.
Infants: This is my favorite age for a child, they eat, poop and sleep a lot, but when they get a little older are usually full of giggles and fun. I miss this stage with my children.
Toddlers: They are ALWAYS going to have tantrums and push boundaries, it's what they do and how they learn, tantrums aren't usually about how they are raised, it's just what they do sometimes. You, as the parent, need to teach them what those boundaries are. You have to teach them what is appropriate and what is not, it's not easy, but at this stage in life, they learn a lot from you.
Teens: Another stage in life where they push, experiment, etc. They are getting ready to become young adults, add in hormonal changes and peer pressure, this is another part of growing up. This is the age that is bittersweet I think. Because once your child hits that teenage mark, it won't be much longer until they are an adult. Stick with your boundaries, even when they push them to the brim. Make sure they know you love them no matter what. Even if they say they hate you, odds are, if you're a good parent, they don't really hate you, they just think they know everything. They most likely will come to you in their 20's or 30's, after they marry and have children and say "Gee mom, I know you did your best and you loved me so much, now I know why you did xyz" You're hard work will be acknowledged by them!
Parenthood isn't a box of rainbows and sunshine all the time, but it's worth it, imo. I do believe the positives outweigh the negatives. You will always see your smiling little faces that will always love you. Then they'll be teens and scowl a good majority of the time, but deep down you know they love you and are glad they have you to love and protect them.
Good luck, don't push the hubby, he knows how you feel so give him time to think on it
Thank you both for the quick responses. Hoping for many more and I am TRYING to not push hubby or not bring this up too much, its just very difficult for me. i want to discuss these things with him, i want to talk infants, and schedules and names, etc.
But he needs "time" and im NOT very patient. Im aweful.
I will try - maybe being able to come here will help me a bit.
Thank you
I wouldnt start on the names and schedules and how to raise infants *quite* yet! Lets get the man on board first!
We realised at about.... like I said 38, she was 36.. that it was going to have to be soon.. or not. I do remember feeling a little bit cornered - not necessarily by the wife, but by the situation... in retrospect it was all fear. Fear of the crushing responsibility, fear of the magnitude of the changes it would bring, insecurity about the durability of our relationship... etc. But it all works out in the end.
One thing I will add is that Hubby and I have discussed kids a few times since I "broke the news" that I wanted them.
Things we talked about were
1) names (believe it or not) i came home one day and he said, now dont freak out BUT here are some names I came up with and he HAD THEM IN AN EXCEL SPREADSHEET ON HIS LAPTOP!!!!!
2) my age 35, and down sydrome possibility, then getting an amniocentesis
3) will he have to give up certain things, motorcycle, cigar smoking on occasion, man room downstairs.
4) cost, he told me he was at walmart and looked at the formula and it was over $30 for a can, he said how are we going to afford that???
SOOOOOOOO - these are all good signs right? at least he's thinking about it?
BUT, he's tough and WONT be forced into anything - OY
Oh god help me ........ lol Im so glad I found this site.
thank you again so far for listening and responding!!
Sounds like he has bought into the program, are you kidding me? Names and formula??!! woohooo!
(my wife breastfed - she was ervous about that too but in retrospect would have it NO other way. We used almost no formula... we in fact had trouble getting our first to even take it.)
You gonna drop the "So... we going to do it?" question? You know.. then you have license to for example... stop the pill, etc.
wow. it can happen fast.
My wife was stuck on 'Ainsley' or 'Cody' or 'Reece' for names. Gads, she sucked at picking names. What the heck is an 'Ainsley'??
Once things started rolling and we found out she was preggers... I spent he next 6 months redoing the baby room... it was quite a trip. I thank my lucky stars we 'planned' for it, rather than having to react to a surprise parenthood.
One thing I will add is that Hubby and I have discussed kids a few times since I "broke the news" that I wanted them.
Things we talked about were
1) names (believe it or not) i came home one day and he said, now dont freak out BUT here are some names I came up with and he HAD THEM IN AN EXCEL SPREADSHEET ON HIS LAPTOP!!!!!
2) my age 35, and down sydrome possibility, then getting an amniocentesis
3) will he have to give up certain things, motorcycle, cigar smoking on occasion, man room downstairs.
4) cost, he told me he was at walmart and looked at the formula and it was over $30 for a can, he said how are we going to afford that???
SOOOOOOOO - these are all good signs right? at least he's thinking about it?
BUT, he's tough and WONT be forced into anything - OY
Oh god help me ........ lol Im so glad I found this site.
thank you again so far for listening and responding!!
Breastfeeding saved a LOT of money. And it really helps burn calories and makes your boobs look pretty nice (and leaky, but only until your body adjusts to your baby's needs). I nursed 3 of my 4, but supplimented my twins with formula, my daughter didn't have 4 oz of formula her entire babyhood.
But yes, he is thinking about it, so that's a good sign.
I had an amnio when I was preggers with my daughter, and honestly, it wasn't a huge deal, I really couldn't even feel it at all.
I know right?!?! He woulnd't be looking at names if he wasn't considering it right????
He is just very PROUD and needs to decide this "on this own".
He is also the breadwinner so to speaks, makes more than me and I want to be home with the baby, or atleast go down to part time, so this puts a big weight on him.
BUT>>>>> i definitly think he's in or sort of in IF he's looking at names.
I just need to wait i guess for him to give me the green light. I told him the other day that I had been doing some research and to let me know when he wants to talk about it. Its only been 36 hrs and Im friggin dieing over here!! LOL
I still have time though, I was on depoprovera and it doesn't run out til next month, so we technically can't even start trying til then, so why can't i just relax?
Thats funny on the names thing. Ainsley??? is that for a boy or girl?? Did you have your baby yet? how old/
Names we seemed to agree on were
Logan, Mason and Robert (after his deceased dad)
Marlena and Chloe for girls
Breastfeeding saved a LOT of money. And it really helps burn calories and makes your boobs look pretty nice (and leaky, but only until your body adjusts to your baby's needs). I nursed 3 of my 4, but supplimented my twins with formula, my daughter didn't have 4 oz of formula her entire babyhood.
But yes, he is thinking about it, so that's a good sign.
I had an amnio when I was preggers with my daughter, and honestly, it wasn't a huge deal, I really couldn't even feel it at all.
My fingers are crossed for you!
THANK YOU
I would hope to nurse and long as I could too, and then pump - I hope it would work out that way for us. Also, what do you think about cloth diapers, i have been researching them (and everything baby related) and found some that are for newborns up to 30lbs. They are like $19 each but you can wash and reuse, Im wondering if this is a realistic way to save money.
Wow, you had twins?? do they run in your family? honestly, secret god hubby would die, but i really would like 2 children, i'll be happy if he just agrees to one but twins would be wonderful!
Doctor told us to wait a couple months before 'trying' after stopping the pill. She had been on it for 15 years at that point.
Wow I cant even remember what we did - it can take a month or 3 to level out your hormones. I think we used condoms for a bit. Its all such a blur now.
Check with your doc. Once we 'got busy' it didnt take long AT ALL, but your mileage will vary.
...Thats funny on the names thing. Ainsley??? is that for a boy or girl?? Did you have your baby yet? how old/
Names we seemed to agree on were
Logan, Mason and Robert (after his deceased dad)
Marlena and Chloe for girls
Ainsley?
My wife had Logan too. Ainsley, it seems is a girls name, Gaelic.
We have 2 now, ages 8 and 6. Girls both. Smart, funny, loving and heart stoppingly beautiful, but Im not an impartial party. I'll private message you a link to our website if you like for pics. Shrug.
THANK YOU
I would hope to nurse and long as I could too, and then pump - I hope it would work out that way for us. Also, what do you think about cloth diapers, i have been researching them (and everything baby related) and found some that are for newborns up to 30lbs. They are like $19 each but you can wash and reuse, Im wondering if this is a realistic way to save money.
Wow, you had twins?? do they run in your family? honestly, secret god hubby would die, but i really would like 2 children, i'll be happy if he just agrees to one but twins would be wonderful!
Yes, cloth diapers are great! Though I would really recommend waiting until a baby is born. I bought some online, really nice ones that I was so excited to use, but my daughter was a LOT bigger than my boys, so I ended up not using them haha. I will dig through some of the sites and PM them to you. They can be expensive all up front, but if you break it down to disposables, they are in the long run a lot cheaper. And they're so damn cute!
Yes, twins run in my family, and then I got preggers with my daughter when my twins where 6 months old. Honestly, it was easier than I though it was going to be, and it was nice because they always played together and kept each other busy
I know right?!?! He woulnd't be looking at names if he wasn't considering it right????
He is just very PROUD and needs to decide this "on this own".
He is also the breadwinner so to speaks, makes more than me and I want to be home with the baby, or atleast go down to part time, so this puts a big weight on him.
BUT>>>>> i definitly think he's in or sort of in IF he's looking at names.
I just need to wait i guess for him to give me the green light. I told him the other day that I had been doing some research and to let me know when he wants to talk about it. Its only been 36 hrs and Im friggin dieing over here!! LOL
I still have time though, I was on depoprovera and it doesn't run out til next month, so we technically can't even start trying til then, so why can't i just relax?
Thats funny on the names thing. Ainsley??? is that for a boy or girl?? Did you have your baby yet? how old/
Names we seemed to agree on were
Logan, Mason and Robert (after his deceased dad)
Marlena and Chloe for girls
1Likes
Decision to have children- HELP !!! 
I'll private message you a link to our website if you like for pics. Shrug.
