[Ready2work]

I hope you all can offer insight and opinions on our situation. My husband and I are newlyweds and just recently moved about an hour from his immediate family after living out of state for years. We are also an interracial couple and dated for 6 years before getting married.

He had bad arguments with them and I believe they realized that they were alienating their son so they seemed to lay off. Things were better after our engagement because they stopped making those comments to him and know that if he is invited, I am invited. At the same time, I stopped caring about what they thought of me. We reached a point in our relationship where we stopped allowing their unhappiness affect ours.

The issue I have now is them wanting to be too close. I'm not sure why, but they have expectations of seeing us weekly since we live so close. I don't want to see people who didn't agree with us being together or tried to manipulate him into not being with me. Nor do I want to fain some type of relationship that doesn't exist. Even under normal circumstances, every week is too much.

For normal reasons (gossipy, self-centered, generally just annoying, and overbearing) I don't particularly like my MIL and SIL. The way they treated me in the past though makes it hard to imagine me just "starting over" and meeting them for lunch or dinner weekly. I'm fine with having a surface level relationship with them. We are cordial and pleasant around holidays but that's about all I care to stomach. He is okay with me having limited interaction with them, because he does. The difference is he makes up an excuse as to why he can't go to things with them whereas I rather tell them we don't want to hang out with them.

But how do I express this to them? I don't think they are genuine about really wanting to get to know me and even if they are, it's a little late for that now. I'm just tired of getting invitations and feeling like the bad person when I don't want a separate relationship with them, outside of what my marriage requires. Is that wrong? How do I express this and what role should he play?

[tacoma]

Your feelings aren`t wrong BUT I would take this as an opportunity to make things better with them if I could.

If you can build a healthy relationship with them wouldn`t it make everyones life better?

If you try and decide it`s not possible ..at least you tried.

It isn`t going to be easy but it`s worth doing to try and strengthen your marriage.

[Ready2work]

Thank you!

The only thing I can think of is to lay out the things that were said and done that were very hurtful to me. I don't see them saying "Yes, I'm sorry I attempted to sabotage your relationship because I don't believe in 'race mixing'. That was quite disgusting of me and I realize now there is nothing wrong with your race". Anything short of that and I'm not sure I would feel better. So that's why I haven't bothered. How do I move past this, even if they don't acknowledge how hurtful and WRONG they were?

I feel like I shouldn't, but if it will make my husband and I's life better, than I can try.

[tacoma]

Well, I`d at first let the past lie, if you can form a relationship with them bringing it up in the future once they`ve formed a bond with you would make it easier to deal with.

I`d simply go to any family function I was invited to and play my role as daughter in-law with as much class and respect as I could muster.
If after sincerely attempting to become part of this family in such a way I was still getting a crappy racist vibe from them or any overt insult or implication of one I`d right then tell them my problem with them and point out their bull**** before leaving.

At home I`d apologize to my husband because of what the situation does to him but I`d not take any blame for the outcome since I had sincerely given it a shot and still got disrespect in return.

I`d then cut the racist *******s out of my life as best I could knowing I gave it my best shot.

Now here`s where the tricky part comes in.

How does your husband react to his families alienation of you?

No one insults my wife in my presence NO ONE INSULTS MY WIFE IN MY PRESENCE.
I don`t care if the one doing the insulting carried me for nine months and nursed me at her breast or not.
ANYONE who has a problem with my wife has a problem with me and I have no problem excising them from my life immediately blood or no blood.

How does your husband feel about this situation?
Does he have your back?
What are his boundaries concerning his families treatment of you?

[Ready2work]

I never thought about it but you may be right about being easier to deal with if we have a bond. My biggest fault has been keeping quiet for so long. I didn't feel like it was my place to stand up to his family if he wouldn't.

I have a tendency to dispose of people once they hurt me so this is a big step for me, even trying to have some type of relationship with them. My biggest issue, I think, is getting over the hurt, even if it goes unacknowledged.

In theory he supports me. My observation is that when he has an issue with their behavior his mom and sister play victim. Tears, crying, screaming. Once his mother or sister start crying, I'm on my own. He will slowly tell them it's okay, he apologizes, he knows they mean well etc and they apologized for nothing....He feels like he can't win. I wish he weren't so moved by their tears.
He acknowledges he doesn't know how to stand up to their crying and when I put pressure on him to do so he avoids them altogether so he doesn't have to deal with it.

[tacoma]

Originally Posted by Ready2work

I never thought about it but you may be right about being easier to deal with if we have a bond. My biggest fault has been keeping quiet for so long. I didn't feel like it was my place to stand up to his family if he wouldn't.

It`s not your place.
It`s his responsibility.

I have a tendency to dispose of people once they hurt me so this is a big step for me, even trying to have some type of relationship with them.

I have the same tendency, anyone who goes out of their way to cause me harm is cut out of my life.
I will and have made exceptions for my wife and yes, it`s difficult but for the most part well worth it.

My biggest issue, I think, is getting over the hurt, even if it goes unacknowledged.

Again, if they are sincere in their wishes to bring you into the family this can be dealt with at a later date when you know them better and can approach it at a good time in a good way.

He acknowledges he doesn't know how to stand up to their crying and when I put pressure on him to do so he avoids them altogether so he doesn't have to deal with it.

This is a distinct lack of courage and is a serious problem.

You cannot deal with this on your own because of the family situation.
He NEEDS to have your back.

Oddly enough I`m willing to bet if he just once stood up to them and drew a firm boundary that this crap would stop and they`d get their act together if for no other reason than fear of losing him.

You need to discuss this with him and let him know you need his strength in this matter to support you.
You also need to always be on the high road with them during this attempt at reconciliation because if it does go off the rails and they get nasty you need to have your hands clean.
You cannot give them any issue to point at and say "See what she did?" "How can she treat your family like that and you not care?"

You need to be the one standing on the moral high ground with no dirt on your hands if this comes down to your husband being in the middle in a position where he has to take a side.
It`s very likely if they act up he will be in just such a position.
You need to give him no excuse for being weak by doing something/anything that could even remotely justify their crap.

I said before you can tell them what you think of the way they treat you if you give it a sincere shot and they disrespect you but no name calling, no yelling, no over the top dramatics.
Calm cool and collect and to the point then get the hell out.

Give them no ammo and push your husband towards a place of courage so he will stand with you.

He really needs to man-up for you in this situation.

[sadlymoving]

I too have problems with my MIL and SIL. I posted my life story earlier today. I have to say that while not quite in the same boat as you, I am however drifting in similar waters. My MIL and SIL have treated me terribly for the last 16 years and won't stop. I only 2 years ago stood up and said I had enough and won't tolerate them treating me that way anymore. I have since pretty much cut them out of my life. My husband will attend the gatherings with our children but I refuse to go.

From your story I relate in terms of now that my husband knows I have had enough and things went as far as they did, can they ever be normal. I know in my heart that I will never be able to put myself out there with them again. Even if they tried to be nice which they never do. I don't trust them and have built up so much anger towards them for it. It will eventually cause a strain on your marriage. Nip it in the bud quickly if you want to keep your marriage strong.

You and your husband should sit with his family and explain that their behavior in the past was wrong. Go into detail with the things they did that bothered you BOTH. State how you feel now. Tell them that you will try and work on building a relationship with them but that they have to understand how much their actions have hurt you and that it may be a slow process. Baby steps. If they understand this and admit that they were wrong then I think you can move forward slowly. Having them admit their fault in this is key. If they can't do that then they are not sincere in their intentions.
I hope I helped. Good luck with everything.

[FirstYearDown]

My mother was horrible to both of us during our engagement; we are also a mixed couple. She also manipulated the whole family into not speaking to us for a long time, just because we eloped. We didn't need her very negative energy or her lack of regard for my husband's side when she tried to take over our wedding.

She often asks why we rarely visit, call or share holidays with my immediate and extended family. We just want to keep our marriage private and not up for discussion. My mother just wants to gossip about us and control our lives.

A little distance can be very helpful. You have been deeply hurt and disrespected; your husband needs to put you first. If not, let him go marry his mother and sister!