My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

My girlfriend is obsessed with having children, More specificly - Having my children. I have known her for 7 years and have been dating her for 2 (our 2 year anniversary is 5 weeks away). I love her and care about her a lot (and vise versa) but recently she has been driving me crazy with this baby talk.

It all started when her best friend got pregnant almost a year ago. She was heavily involved through out her bf's pregnancy (I was as well, Her bf is like a sister to me) and eventually became godmother to her bf's baby girl (I was choosen as godfather). Since then she gone overdrive into this baby craze. Always telling me how she cant wait to have my children, what she will name them, so on so forth.

About two weeks ago I got sick of hearing it all and laid down some cold hard truth on her: We are a young couple (both of us are 23) who have only been dating for 2 years. We are too immature to have children right now, Let alone think about having them. Wait a few years (2-3) and then I will be more open about the idea but until then we gotta bury this thing for the time being.

What a huge mistake that was. She broke down crying (I immediately starting saying I was sorry and tried to calm her down) but to my suprise she wasnt crying about the rant. She is pregnant (3 months, 2 and a half when this arguement happend) and I pretty much told her (through my rant) that I didnt want children at this point in my life. She took some clothes and left, She has been at her bf's house for the past 2 weeks.

To be honest, I dont know what I will do. Thankfully, I have been saving money since I started working at 13 (my father's idea) and I have a rather large sum saved up (a little over 20,000 at this point). I plan on using all of that for the baby (god I hope she isnt having twins). I havent spoken to her much but we are talking (thats a start). I have been reading baby books, looking for supplies, looking for a new apartment (I currently live in a one bedroom, I am looking for a nice two bedroom that will be perfect for the baby), and dealing with a ton of other things on top of this. I have talked to her today and we will meet up and talk tomorrow about things, I hope this goes good.

I just wanna know if anyone can give me tips on what to expect for the future, Thanks.
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

How long did she know she was pregnant before she told you? Geez, talk about timing being off.

It sounds like you are manning up to the situation. So that’s good. You have to talk to your girlfriend as soon as you can. Right now you have been doing baby stuff on your own and have left her hung out to dry. She needs to know ASAP that you are with her on this. She and the baby are really going to need you.
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Old 02-06-2012, 07:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

I think you are old enough at 23. Many kids are born to parents of that age and are none the worse for it. Although my own kids were born a lot later, their kids my grandchildren were born at this time. I wouldnt spend too much money when they are so little and dont need much. Very few parents get it 'right' however old they are. Each child is different and needs different handling usually by trial and error. You should make it up to your wife as soon as possible.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

At 23, a person is still finding out who they are.

People who settle down too young often have terrible midlife issues.

That is why the experts say that the closer you are to 30, the more successful your marriage will be. Of course, couples from days gone by are a special situation because society was so different back then.

I commend you for being a man about the situation. Now you have to work on winning back your girlfriend's trust.

I wonder if she became pregnant to trap you; happens all the time. Women want to keep men with them, so they secretly stop taking birth control. I have no respect for females that are so devious. Nobody should be forced into parenthood and relationships based on obligation rarely work out.

Last edited by FirstYearDown; 02-06-2012 at 11:29 AM.
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

If you are not ready for children, then you should not be having unprotected sex.

Now that you have created life, you should marry your child's mom, and take care of your family to the best of your capabilitites.
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

(I will put up 2 posts today. The first is about the conversation we had today and the second will be replies to you guys/girls)

We talked about a few things today but not much. I told her that I would be there for her and our child. I told her that I did feel immature about having a child but it didnt mean that I did not want to have kids (She thought I didnt want them based on my previous rant). There was other stuff as well but I wont be typing it because it will be featured in my other reply to your posts. She decided to move back in with me and we chated for a little more (about the past two weeks apart). She is sleeping right now but when she gets up we will start looking for a new apartment. So wish me luck.
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Old 02-06-2012, 02:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

EleGirl - She knew for about two months before she told me. She said she was afraid of telling me because she didnt know how I would react.

Accept - My mom had kids very early in life (she is in her early 40s now and has 7 children) so she was forced to grow up and missed out on a lot. This effected her later in life because she wanted to go out more and more while my dad didnt. Her new "nightlife" soon resulted in an affair and a divorce from my father, She hasnt been apart of my life since (I was 3 at the time). Thats why I didnt want kids early on in life because I wanted my gf and I to enjoy our lives now and get it out of our system before we had got married or had kids.

First Year Down - Couldnt agree me. I am mature and I am responsible but I am still a young guy, Having children effects your life greatly and I wanted be older (25-27) and married before I had kids. Also I completely agree with your idea of her trapping me (which I will explain when I address another poster).

Angel5112 - Thanks for all the advice, It really helped. I have talked with her about marriage during our chat earlier today. I love her, I really do, but I refuse to have a shotgun wedding. I am sort of forced into parenthood already, No way I am going to be forced into a marriage that I am not prepared for. I told her that she better be prepared for a waiting game because I dont plan on asking her for a few years. As First Year Down said - Its better to be married later on in life because you are far more mature then you are when you are in your early 20s. This is exactly why I am waiting, Neither of us are ready for marriage now.

Hicks - Idk if you had mean to but you came off as an ******* in your post (just saying). We had used condoms all the time but a few months ago (about 5 months ago), My gf decided to switch to birth control so once she started that we decided not to use condoms anymore (we both get checked for STDs all the time though just to be on the safe side). The reason she got pregnant is becuase she wanted to have kids and she stopped taking her BC, It didnt take long for her to get pregnant once it got out of her system. I do plan on sticking around (made that clear in my first post) and I will always be there for her and my child. As I said early in this post, I wont be doing a shotgun wedding, I am waiting a few years before I even think about that. So next time you post, Get the whole story first (ask questions for example) before you go bashing anyone.
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Old 02-06-2012, 04:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

I did confront her about this and she got pregnant because she didnt want me to leave her (dont know what gave her that idea). She cried and apologized for tricking me, Begging me not to leave her. My anger towards her melted and I calmed her down by telling her I was going to stay with her no matter what because I love her (which is true).

I also told her that I am going to need a lot of time before I can forgive her. Also I told her that she is gonna have to put a lot of effort into rebuilding the trust we had together. She happily agreed with me and is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship.

Im suprised by her actions because she never was insecure, I have known her for years and she never came off as that. She did have a few bad relationships in the past though. Im guessing that she did what she did because she realized how good our relationship was and she wanted to be with me forever, Yet thanks to her way of thinking - She did more harm then good.

She's thinking about getting help in order to get over her insecurity, Which I think is a good thing. Right now we are just taking it a day at a time. Ill post in a week or so and tell yall how things are going.
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Old 02-06-2012, 04:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Hicks, why on earth do you support shotgun weddings?

Marriages based purely on pregnancy are often unhappy unions.

With all of the BC out there, there is no reason for unplanned pregnancies. I have been sexually active for nearly 12 years and I have never needed an abortion. Pregnancy can be easily prevented and sometimes women are just fibbing when they say they became pregnant inadvertently.

Asylum, what a horrible thing to have to deal with-a woman who is so sneaky and selfish that she would try to use a baby to keep you with her. Her actions say a lot about how dishonest and codependent she is.

You can be a decent father without being forced to stay in a relationship with an underhanded liar.
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Old 02-06-2012, 05:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

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I did confront her about this and she got pregnant because she didnt want me to leave her (dont know what gave her that idea). She cried and apologized for tricking me, Begging me not to leave her. My anger towards her melted and I calmed her down by telling her I was going to stay with her no matter what because I love her (which is true).

I also told her that I am going to need a lot of time before I can forgive her. Also I told her that she is gonna have to put a lot of effort into rebuilding the trust we had together. She happily agreed with me and is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship.

Im suprised by her actions because she never was insecure, I have known her for years and she never came off as that. She did have a few bad relationships in the past though. Im guessing that she did what she did because she realized how good our relationship was and she wanted to be with me forever, Yet thanks to her way of thinking - She did more harm then good.

She's thinking about getting help in order to get over her insecurity, Which I think is a good thing. Right now we are just taking it a day at a time. Ill post in a week or so and tell yall how things are going.
eegads.

'thinking about getting help'? really? Why would she, she got everything she wanted. Of course she 'happily agreed' - and you seem perfectly willing to...

{delete 3 paragraphs}

oh never mind. 23? Makes me want to weep.

good luck.
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Old 02-06-2012, 06:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Me too, AnotherGuy. Yet another young man forced into fatherhood too early.

I knew a very controlling woman who met a man four years her junior. She had an "unplanned" pregnancy and I watched her boss about the poor kid. M had no escape really; the car was in her name and the job M worked at came from her father pulling strings.

So she had another baby to tie him down even more. After nine years and two children ages 5 and 3, the young man finally left to live his own life. M isn't an involved father because he never wanted children so early in life; he was just pushed into it by a woman with her own agenda.

Worst part is, she never learned her lesson. She had another baby for a different man, who proposed right after ths third child was born. She finally got what she wanted and all it took was three babies.
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Old 02-06-2012, 10:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Dont really see how she got everything she wanted. Our relationship took a huge blow because of her actions and she knows this. She did want a baby but she also wanted us to have/keep our amazing relationship (her words not mine even though our relationship has been great until this point). I said to her that our relationship has taken a huge blow from her actions and if she ever did anything like this again then it would be over between us. The look on her face was proof enough that my message got across.

I also told her that I dont want another child for 3-6 years and she will start taking BC again when we are ready to become intimate again (after this pregnancy of course) and we will use condoms as well. I would be open to having another child sooner but it all depends on how well things go with this one. And we actually have to discuss this and agree together that its what we want, Not just what she wants.
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Old 02-07-2012, 08:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Hicks, why on earth do you support shotgun weddings?

Marriages based purely on pregnancy are often unhappy unions.
I believe children have the right to be raised within a marital relationship. Two adults made a decision to have sex. The child made no such decision. For the good of the child, the parents owe this child a marriage, and commitment to doing the heavy lifting required to make it a successful one.

Any man who has sex with a woman should do so understanding that both adults are creating a responsibility to the life they can potentially be creating. Just Sayin.
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Old 02-07-2012, 08:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Don't you think a child deserves to see a happy marriage?

I have never seen a joyous marriage that was based on a pregnancy. The husband's resentment always showed in his lack of involvement with the kids or apathy for a marriage he never wanted in the first place.

Asylum, if your girlfriend will pull this shxt once, nothing you say can stop her from doing it again. By staying with her after such a huge deception, you are playing with fire. She can always poke holes in condoms or just go off the pill again.
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Old 02-07-2012, 08:41 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My girlfriend's baby talks come back to haunt me

Hopefully things will all work out. Being taken into this new phase of life via one of the biggest lies you can possibly inflict on another person is simply inexcusable and shows - deceipt aside - how immature, controlling, selfish, dishonest, irresponsible and unprepared she to be an adult in a giving relationship. Sorry - I dont mean to openly pontificate. Much. Notice I didnt add 'insecure'. Maybe she is, but to me it is more about boundless, undilluted, premeditated, selfishness.

The thing is - responsibility, maturity, selflessness, are some requirements of being a parent. Simply getting pregnant and having a baby is the easy part, believe me.

The next few years will be very difficult & challenging. They can also be very rewarding. May you have more of the latter and less of the former! Sleepless nights, the feelings of total loss of control over your life that has been supplanted by this new life. You are young and probably not really financially secure yet so you will both need to work I expect - and its not easy working full time and also being a full time parent. Hopefully she wil prove up to the task, because how this came about is the exact opposite of what it takes to succeeed.

Dont despair though - people have babies all the time.

Very frankly... I would never trust her with BC again. Sorry. Its not the sort of thing where you can simply hope for the best.

Again - I dont mean to use your situation as a soap box for my own outrage.. thats pretty unfair to both of you. I think you can get some very good advice on this board not only about about what to expect with a new baby, but insightful relationship advice... so do come back and report what happens. I expect your head must be absolutely spinning!
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