The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
I'd say that people have a tendency to stick with their same situation. So a guy with kids might seek a woman with kids about the same age. Or someone who doesn't have kids might look for someone without kids. Just makes things easier, as that other person probably will understand where you're at in your life. It's the same reason why many people stick to someone close to their own age, close to their own income level or education. Of course, there's always room for people to step outside their box, and there's nothing wrong with that, either.
I don't see this as one person having a lower "dating rank" than someone else. It's just a way to seek out someone you're compatible with. Perhaps thats where objections start in this thread...
I apologize if this is in the wrong area but the topic came up at work and we were debating it.. I myself would adamantly refuse date a woman with children as would "nearly" all the other single and childless men that I talked too. The caveat being that those single men that said they would were what' I would consider to be of lower stock value (less financially secure, uglier etc.) than the ones that said they would not. As for me, again I would not, under no circumstance as I feel that's her cross to bear not mine and I honestly feel that she has lower intrinsic value than a comparable female without kids. I'm not trying to hurt anybodies feelings, just giving an opinion..
So I'm curious what the forums take on the issue is...
i thought the same thing...
then i met someone and fell very in love with her and it didnt seem to matter any more.
I can appreciate your position of preferring not to date someone with children because I feel the same way (especially small children). However...
As a woman who is educated, financially independent, emotionally stable, very attractive (not meant to sound egotistical - I'm a model so it's part of the job)... and I just so happen to be single mom with a brilliant, athletic, charming & well mannered teenage boy; I do take offense to the notion that I am less valuable than another woman (or any woman or man for that matter).
I've yet to date or have a long term relationship (almost married two) with any man between the ages of 25-38 who had any reservations about my single parent status. I don't expect any of them to step into his father's shoes as that position has been filled.
If I could make a suggestion not only for the point of your discussion but in the event you do find yourself "on the market" you may want to consider revising your approach & choice of words to avoid inadvertently offending others... especially those of us that consider our beloved child(ren) the greatest achievement & blessing of their life.
It's not about boosting morale, its' about facing the facts.. Granted I am probably one of those soon to be divorced folks if reconciliation fails due to the fact that my other half "shopped around so to speak"-- you can track down my other posts if your interested.
Looking at it for what it may be I am SOOOOOOOO Glad, we never had kids and I was careful... as I much prefer to go back into the dating world a truly single human being without baggage...I want to be as marketable as possible and kids would lower my resale value on the open market; thus limiting my options considerably. (hence the debate at work started)..
Are there any guys in here without kids such as myself that have an opinion?.. I seem to be getting jaded opinions, from women with kids who justify their lifes choices and personal value by holding an alternative point of view- IMHO - I may be wrong.
My question is would you ladies feel the same way if you did not have kids and were back in the dating arena? Would you feel more empowered and more confident in choosing your mate without your own baggage? Would you be less likely to date a single dad than the a guy without kids (all else being equal, they both have jobs, a head on their shoulders and their stuff together and neither are a playboy.)?
Look at it from that perspective, the perspective of you don't have kids and are looking for a new serious relationship.. Which way are you going to lean? the single dad or mom or the single guy or woman?
I wouldn't date a man with children because usually there is a crazy ex wife. lol.
My ex was not crazy. He stays away from our life, but is very involved with our daughter. No craziness. But I set it up that way.
And every one has a preference. I don't date White boys. lol but I'm white. oh well.
I like it when a guy is chatting with me and tells me flat out he doesn't date women with kids. Saves time. Doesn't offend me at all. I do get leery though when I hear a guy flat out say he likes kids.
I agree I think honest is the best policy; however, I have found times in my younger years when a woman was downright offended when I said those exact words.. It's a deal breaker.
Yeah taking Michael Jackson home is probably a bad idea..other red flags "I used to be a Catholic Priest" or "I used to be actively involved in the Scouts".
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Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno
I can certainly see wanting to avoid that, why expose yourself to a relationship with your spouse's ex, on account of the children being involved. In a small town or a big city, maybe this works. In suburbia it seems to have more land mines involved, maybe that's just my impression though.
Also true, no need for me to bring all those extra folks into my potentially blossoming relationship unless I am forced to as a matter of my own circumstance..ie.. I also have kids.
I wouldn't date a man with children because usually there is a crazy ex wife. lol.
I can relate to this. I dated a really nice single mom back in the day, but the f@#$ing ex would not quit. He would always find some reason to disrupt the relationship. After awhile, I just couldn't deal with his sh!t... I had to let her go. I really dug her too.
I apologize if this is in the wrong area but the topic came up at work and we were debating it.. I myself would adamantly refuse date a woman with children as would "nearly" all the other single and childless men that I talked too. The caveat being that those single men that said they would were what' I would consider to be of lower stock value (less financially secure, uglier etc.) than the ones that said they would not. As for me, again I would not, under no circumstance as I feel that's her cross to bear not mine and I honestly feel that she has lower intrinsic value than a comparable female without kids. I'm not trying to hurt anybodies feelings, just giving an opinion..
So I'm curious what the forums take on the issue is...
Congratulations. That is one of the more reprehenible lines of thought I have seen in quite a while. Nice job!
'lower stock'? 'her cross to bear, not mine'? 'lower intrinsic value'? Are you effing kidding me?
Good luck with all that. Grow up, and someday you may see that women with kids have, in all liklihood, leared much more about life and love than you have so far, evidently.
I don't see this as one person having a lower "dating rank" than someone else. It's just a way to seek out someone you're compatible with. Perhaps thats where objections start in this thread...
C Posted via Mobile Device
Wouldn't you say though that "rank" is relative to the pool you're in? I mean, in a lot of areas, I'm pretty well educated, have a good job, make pretty good money. But if you put me in a different social setting, that "rank" can change drastically. If I were being compared to the docs and faculty I work with, my masters degree is nothing to write home about. If I'm at a neighborhood pub for football, I could well be the only one in there with a postgrad degree. It doesn't change me.
Personally, I wouldn't ever seriously date a guy with kids at home. I don't want them myself, why would I want someone else's? And while I realize that a new partner doesn't replace the other same-sex parent, talent shows and soccer games just aren't a part of what I want to be doing with my time. I'll stick to spending brief intense periods of time spoiling my nieces and nephews in wildly inappropriate ways, lol. And then going back to my quiet, peaceful, neat home.
So for me, all other things being equal--the guy with no kids has a significantly higher "dating rank". For me. Now, I don't consider a guy with kids "used goods" or otherwise "defective", which may be the point of contention here. But I don't consider them an ideal partner either. To each their own.
Bandit,
What jumps out at me is this very "formulaic" model you seem to favor. That approach lends itself to a fairly clear cut "trade the car" if a nicer one is willing to share your parking space.
Funny thing about loyalty - it only matters when things go bad through circumstances beyond your control.
BTW I find it a bit ironic you are on here telling a whole class of females that you wouldn't consider them, while your wife is clearly stomping on her vows and your self esteem.
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Originally Posted by Bandit
I agree I think honest is the best policy; however, I have found times in my younger years when a woman was downright offended when I said those exact words.. It's a deal breaker.
Yeah taking Michael Jackson home is probably a bad idea..other red flags "I used to be a Catholic Priest" or "I used to be actively involved in the Scouts".
Also true, no need for me to bring all those extra folks into my potentially blossoming relationship unless I am forced to as a matter of my own circumstance..ie.. I also have kids.
Bandit, we all have our preferences, and there is nothing wrong with looking for a woman who doesn't have children. But this is your own personal values, just because you don't value it doesn't mean something has no value... but you probably won't understand this distinciton because you seem to hold very objective opinions about people - people aren't the same as cars, no people are the exact same model.
The fact is there are single men out there who don't diminish a woman's value just because she has children, in some cases it may even help you determine how good of a mother she may be to your own future children if you are looking to ever have any.
To add to that, there are some single moms who don't diminish their own value based upon having had children. A woman who parents well builds self-esteem. So it may very well be that the tables are turned, and you can't measure up yourself value-wise in the eyes of the single mom, since you have nothing to show in terms of proven parenting ability, yet if willing to date a woman with children, are suggesting that you are competent based on interest alone. This doesn't always end well. The upside is that if the single mom is a good parent, the children are resilient, and the tidy little tricks stepdaddy has used to gain approval are found to be short-lived and of little value to the children in their day to day lives. They might end up feeling used, even bought. It's a rare man who is allowed the opportunity to step parent. As you suggest, it's not for everyone. I mean, kids call the shots as they see them. They will tell a person they've got a big nose, ask nosy questions, laugh when you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs, snitch on mom about your driving habits, and so forth. It really takes experience to share one's life with kids, and a huge sense of humor, and a forgiving and flexible ego. For some people, it's just an easy matter of cleaning up their language. Or having to pick up habits that the kids are expected to have - like washing hands. And not picking boogers. Hey, look at Obama, when he had to start sharing his life with all the kids of the nation, he gave up smoking!
those single men that said they would were what' I would consider to be of lower stock value (less financially secure, uglier etc.) than the ones that said they would not.
Believe me, brah... I'm the total antithesis of what you just described.
"those single men that said they would were what' I would consider to be of lower stock value (less financially secure, uglier etc.) than the ones that said they would not. "
OP. Your single men friends should be asked to explain why it is that the ugly, financially insecure women got laid by men, which is, presumably, how they became pregnant. I think they have some kind of logic gap going on. Usually women with kids are attractive enough to have gained sexual attention, and generally speaking have more tax deductions and child support than their counterparts. Before kids, chances are they were financially secure, because really, finances are what makes a woman attractive? Or 1/2 of the equation proposed by your friends, the other being not ugly. I suppose that it's possible that the procreation took place in the dark, where bank accounts were not checked prior...but then that makes the dads equally as unattractive and unfit as partners as the women who become mothers, due to bad selection techniques and lack of understanding of consequences of short-term choices.
Ask your friends to explain why only poor and ugly women get knocked up, by guys who were single and chose them for partners, and please get back to us on their remarks to this question.
I'm sure he'll just say that it was having kids that made them poor and ugly and that the guys who knocked them up were obviously of lesser quality than he and his friends, the exalted beings they are.
52Likes
Re: Dating a Woman With Kids 
Grow up, and someday you may see that women with kids have, in all liklihood, leared much more about life and love than you have so far, evidently.
and that the guys who knocked them up were obviously of lesser quality than he and his friends, the exalted beings they are.
