The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
I apologize if this is in the wrong area but the topic came up at work and we were debating it.. I myself would adamantly refuse date a woman with children as would "nearly" all the other single and childless men that I talked too. The caveat being that those single men that said they would were what' I would consider to be of lower stock value (less financially secure, uglier etc.) than the ones that said they would not. As for me, again I would not, under no circumstance as I feel that's her cross to bear not mine and I honestly feel that she has lower intrinsic value than a comparable female without kids. I'm not trying to hurt anybodies feelings, just giving an opinion..
So I'm curious what the forums take on the issue is...
If I was in my 20s or even early 30s, I just couldn't see getting into a serious relationship with a woman with children. Why start with a new relationship early in life with a boat load of complications?
Now I would be less concerned and I don't think I have any absolute rules. But I would still be cautious. Depending on the jurisdiction, there might be a huge concern for a potential support obligation for her children in the event of a break up.
you are perfectly allowed to have that opinion, if you don't want to date a woman with children then please don't, everyone is better off when we live according to our principles, so hold out for the one you really want.
Personally I think you are foolish for writing such a person off, I understand there are some extra considerations that go along with that but it doesn't mean they have less worth, you are likely passing over some very wonderful people all because of the stigma of some label. Also for me, as a newly divorced father of one, I find that most single childless women are very not compatible - they are either younger and are more interested in being at the gym, the nightclub or going after rich guys that pay for them to travel the world, or else they are older and haven't found someone to love forever yet because they have psychological issues. I realize I am unfairly generalizing too, but I am open-minded and am certainly not going to assign value based solely on their history, I want to look at the good qualities too.
You obviously haven't met my best friend. She's a 31 year old single mother of three. She is HOT. I mean smokin hot and super nice to boot. Her kids are nice/well behaved/cute and whoever gets her is one lucky guy.
Only reason she got divorced is she unknowingly married a narcissist who didn't want to do anything in the marriage. Too selfish.
But hey if you don't want to date single moms then don't.
Wow, I am glad my hubby didn't have your opinion 15 years ago. I was a single mom with 3 little kids.
What is your reasoning?? Why is a woman with kids inferior, and why is a guy who dates her inferior??? Way to pass judgement.
Nice to know you think I'm a lesser being. Good grief.
Take what I am about to say with a grain of salt and understand I that I use a lot of metaphors and/or analogies to get my point across so don't get offended.
Why would I get a used car if I can get the same model new and at a lesser cost?
It could even be more to the extreme in that why would I choose a burned out structure over one that is still inhabitable?
If perhaps I had goofed earlier in life and had kids my opinion would probably be different, but as a man that has no kids there is no incentive to date a woman that has them. The reverse is also true and women without kids are less likely to date men with them.. again as they see men tied down with baggage have less intrinsic value than men without them.
There could also be a genetic component to it as I could never love somebody elses kids like they were my own, or more than my Australian Shepherd for that matter as there is no genetic tie in either instance. In it's most primal sense I achieve no benefit from the survival of "her" offspring as my genetics are not being pushed forward; it is however a good deal for the female that now gets help from an unrelated male pushing her genetics forward (the reverse is also true)..
Additionally I think that those with kids are for the most part resigned to the fact that they will be forced to date or considerably more likely to have success dating 'others with kids'; thus missing out on potentially healthier or better mates themselves.
For those that stated this choice 'limits my ability to meet quality people' or 'am missing the chance to connect because some women with kids are really great people' I will rebut that the following way. There is no loss for me nor can there be as having kids is an instant dis-qualifier regardless; you are in my opinion not worth dating. The same would hold true for other beliefs that people hold, some won't date big girls, thus all big girls are not worth dating regardless of the personality; or others won't date a specific race, does that mean that race is without good people? nope.. just that it does not matter because that is a line that cannot and will not be crossed and thus the are not worth dating because the fail to meet certain criteria.
That's like saying your missing out because you don't like licorice.. nope.. I hate the stuff... not missing out on a thing..
My choice to not date women with kids is 'a choice', not a stipulation forced upon me by my situation. It would be considerably easier for me (if I chose ) to play both sides of the field (dating both women with and without kids) than it would be for someone without kids to do the same. The opportunities for me would also be greater amongst both types of women than for a single dad.
Again not trying to hurt anybodies feelings, just debating a topic and getting perspectives.
I don't feel that way at all.
It's probably better for you that you are a man, so you will never have to worry about feeling that way personally.
I think that you can tell a lot about a woman from the children she has raised, and how she manages parenting and dating. Who knows, if you grow your own you could get a woman who changes both in shape, personality and availability to you after she bears your children.
There's also the risk that she might not be a good mother after all, I mean, in parenting there is the mother and your child...your child might not be easy to parent, some easy-going men have children who don't have exactly the same personality as them, it's not really something you can control. Ask any parent.
I think it's good to be in touch with your own desires in terms of dating and marriage. Only one person needs to agree with you and I guess that would be the woman you marry. It's good to respect your own preferences.
Some men date women with children so that they can use the children as a sort of reason to keep the women in a bad relationship, or because they can't deal with an independent woman who might not need to stick to a schedule imposed by school, day care, etc. These men choose women with children because they know the woman is kind of trapped.
So I don't think that all men who are willing and want to date women with children are saints.
It has to do with intent.
I think you might do well to try to be more open-minded, so that you don't unintentionally sell yourself short. If you want children, you might check to make sure that you are fertile, for instance, before making a decision about a wife. Of course, there's always adoption.
I once dated a guy with two kids and I had to break it off because I couldn't agree with his parenting style. It was really sad. I think that's a risk you take when dating and you keep the kids out of it til it's serious, then you meet the kids and it is clear that there's some kind of issue and it's a huge elephant in the room. I guess if I'd been more experienced and mature, I might have suggested some kind of counseling, but the guy was a psychologist and also it would have been really forward of me to think that we had that kind of commitment that I could suggest 'family' counseling. I think he had some issues still to work out with his family so I suggested he live in a duplex next to his ex-wife and kids and that's what he did. But I seriously don't know how it worked out for him, maybe they all reconciled. I know his kids needed him, so that's the choice I made. I can really see your point about not dating people with kids, but the underlying reasons of lower value, I can't say I agree with that. I think value is stable whether a person has kids or not, maybe value to you and the time you would want from a spouse is lower, but generally speaking, I don't think it applies.
You're on a marriage/divorce forum with people who have children who may be dating soon.
Way to boost the morale
It's not about boosting morale, its' about facing the facts.. Granted I am probably one of those soon to be divorced folks if reconciliation fails due to the fact that my other half "shopped around so to speak"-- you can track down my other posts if your interested.
Looking at it for what it may be I am SOOOOOOOO Glad, we never had kids and I was careful... as I much prefer to go back into the dating world a truly single human being without baggage...I want to be as marketable as possible and kids would lower my resale value on the open market; thus limiting my options considerably. (hence the debate at work started)..
Are there any guys in here without kids such as myself that have an opinion?.. I seem to be getting jaded opinions, from women with kids who justify their lifes choices and personal value by holding an alternative point of view- IMHO - I may be wrong.
My question is would you ladies feel the same way if you did not have kids and were back in the dating arena? Would you feel more empowered and more confident in choosing your mate without your own baggage? Would you be less likely to date a single dad than the a guy without kids (all else being equal, they both have jobs, a head on their shoulders and their stuff together and neither are a playboy.)?
Look at it from that perspective, the perspective of you don't have kids and are looking for a new serious relationship.. Which way are you going to lean? the single dad or mom or the single guy or woman?
I like it when a guy is chatting with me and tells me flat out he doesn't date women with kids. Saves time. Doesn't offend me at all. I do get leery though when I hear a guy flat out say he likes kids. To me, that sounds like a red flag, because he hasn't met MINE. LOL. I would never say I like kids. It really depends on the kids. I've met kids I got along with great, click, click, click. Whereas their parents were just baggage. Not a dating relationship, but just by example. Children are not really extensions of the parent, they are separate people and you are either open to having a working relationship with them and know how to relate to them whether they are in your family or not, or you don't want anything to do with them unless they're biologically yours. Another issue would be to confuse the children with the fact that they often come with an extended family, representing a potential spouse's history. I can certainly see wanting to avoid that, why expose yourself to a relationship with your spouse's ex, on account of the children being involved. In a small town or a big city, maybe this works. In suburbia it seems to have more land mines involved, maybe that's just my impression though.
Bandit, we all have our preferences, and there is nothing wrong with looking for a woman who doesn't have children. But this is your own personal values, just because you don't value it doesn't mean something has no value... but you probably won't understand this distinciton because you seem to hold very objective opinions about people - people aren't the same as cars, no people are the exact same model.
The fact is there are single men out there who don't diminish a woman's value just because she has children, in some cases it may even help you determine how good of a mother she may be to your own future children if you are looking to ever have any.