02-27-2012, 09:56 AM
Join Date: Jan 2012
| | Re: Step children and resentment
I'd like to pick out one statement and try to make a point from it. You use terms like '...can do no wrong', '...blame for everything', 'when I say anything...'. Now I completely understand and appreciate the feeling, and it's probably well founded, but I'd caution against allowing these generalizations in your mind and try to focus on specific situations/incidents. You may even be correct with the generalization, it may be true in 10 out of 10 incidents. However, I think the generalization will be automatically discounted by your spouse because it is so general.
This is NOT easy, I know. Try though, with all you can, to calmly and respectfully be very specific about incidents you have problems with. I think it's absolutely vital for the parents to present a unified parental front. On one side are the parents, the other are the children, ALL of the children. In your house everyone should fall in one camp or the other and there should be no other camps. This isn't adversarial, it's about healthy lines for the proper raising of children.
There was also something said (by another poster) about not being able to treat your spouses kids as your own. I've heard similar statements from very experienced social workers. I respectfully reject this idea, belief, or fact. As I've told my kids, and I only had to say it once, "You're step-mother is not you mom, there is no conceivable way that she could ever replace your mom and she's not trying to, but she is a parent and authority figure in this house and you WILL respect her as such. In this house her law is my law and vice-versa, there is no difference." Along with this the term "You are not my mom..." was officially outlawed in the house. This is a known and appreciated fact but has nothing to do with the discipline or direction currently being provided.
Now you may read this and think, "what an a__hole". I'll tell you though that the peace and harmony in my house rose considerably after having these conversations. I've seen in behavior and discussed with them the feelings that now step-mom is more important to me than they are but I've tackled that head on as well. I also see a great deal of love for their step mom and attempts to drive a wedge between us are non-existent because of my firm stand on the issue.
Good luck. This isn't easy but you can create the home life you're after. Keep the faith and be relentless in your pursuit.