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All my life I was very close with my mother. Then my sister came along when I was 12 and we also were very close. As the years passed, we three had a common bond, a total dislike for my borderline personality father. We joked about him all the time because of the stupid and mean things he did. It was a GOTTA LAUGH OR YOU WILL CRY situation. So we laughed instead of cried, A LOT. Yes, yes, this was highly disfunctional, but it was our way of coping. My relationship with my mom and sister was so concrete, no man or force of nature could break us . . . or so I thought.
My father is a horrible man who raised us in extreme fear of him who rules my mother and she is weak and won't leave him. She always stuck up for him, but behind his back she would tell us how she really felt. It was then okay for us to tell her how WE really felt about him too. He was such a bastard with his mood swings and his nonsense and stupidity. For years we had this secret bond with my mother (my brother was kinda in on it too, he hates dad, but doesn't really see us often).
Once we opened up about our feelings, I was able to share with my mother how hurt I was as a child that she never protected me from his rages. She was so sorry, she cried and I hugged her. She vowed to me that she would never do that to me again. That I was her eldest daughter and she loved me unconditionally. For years we lived like this, only stressing out at Holidays and hoping dad wouldn't come. He ruins every outing and party so we always try to get him NOT to come. This was my life. This was the norm. And I was as happy as I was going to be because I was not alone in my hatred, I had my siblings and my mother who felt the same way.
About a year ago, my father had another heart attack (he has had many and I wish they would just take him already) and none of us kids raced to the hospital and my mom was there alone. This was nothing new. It was then my mother sent me THE EMAIL I will never forget. Her email was devoid of any motherly love and was mostly angry because we kids didn't rush up to the hospital to comfort my father. We all thought she was joking. She wasn't. Her letters got more and more hateful towards me. I wrote back that this is how it has always been, why does she choose NOW to be all DAD IS GREAT again? I wrote her back and said that if she was once again going to choose dad's feelings over mine, our relationship will have to change. She wrote back SO BE IT. To this day, I am still floored my sweet mother who promised never to hurt me again regarding my father has betrayed me. So I started to back off. Not answering my phone, not attending many family functions. For that I was the devil.
My sister lives closer to my mom and they see each other more so my sister started to separate from me as well. Then when my father came into a very large inheritance, that was all she wrote. My father took over and started buying gifts for everyone. His gifts have strings attached for miles and miles. So I don't partake. He bought my brother expensive things, my sister he got a car for her, lots of stuff for my mother. OOO, look how nice daddy is now that he has money. Take his presents or he will shove them up your ass. And you better say thank you YOU BETTER SAY THANK YOU!! Since I won't come to him, my father is sending me gifts all the time, but they are things HE likes, and not things I like. Then I get the email from mom CALL YOUR FATHER AND THANK HIM. Did I just hear her right? My mother is telling me to call my father? When did the rules change? I still hate him! Anyone else? Oh, you like the money, HE OWNS YOU NOW. I refuse to answer my phone because the only one that calls me now is my father, leaving me mean messages as if he were speaking to a little girl who is still afraid of him. There are no missed calls from my sister or mother. They seem to be happy just to let me go.
They sold their souls for presents and dinners and trips. I have no one to reach out to. I am in a bad marriage and in a major depression where I sit in bed all day and watch horror movies. My sister will make nasty comments like GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF THE COUCH AND COME AND VISIT ME. She hasn't been to my place in two years. My mother won't come visit me because my dad will want to tag along and she is so weak, she will let him.
Now I am the outcast, swinging in the wind and they don't notice I am gone. My family is pretty greedy, so I am not surprised they are licking his taint for money, I am suprised they would let me go so easily knowing I am alone and in pain.
And how much of a pain in the ass must I be if I got turned away by the fricking ADDAMS FAMILY!!!! Or more aptly put, THE MANSON FAMILY. I have mentioned this on here before, but it's like they have drunk the kool-aide and are now faithful followers of my father's cult. So I stay away. I do not answer my phone. The only way this is going to be resolved is me and my mother alone at a table talking it out, and me and my sister alone and face to face. Screw this texting, phone crap. FACE TO FACE.
In closing, I find it absurd that I tried for so long to get my father out of my life. As it turns out, he is now the only family member who will speak to me (threaten me with voicemails saying YOU KNOW SOMEDAY YOU WILL NEED SOMETHING FROM US AND WE WON'T BE THERE). It kills him that I won't obey him and answer my phone. I just won't. So I am at home and they are at the sickening fake lovefest party. May their new cars, money, appliances, iphones, etc. keep them warm at night. I cannot be bought.
Oh, and on a side note, my father feels about HIS mother the exact same way we feel about him. My family sees the parallels but deem my father's behavior towards his mother "just" and my behavior towards my father not right.
Re: You left the party and noone knows you are gone
Well, if you stay in bed and stay depressed....then he wins.
You have to BE better than them....not just gripe about how crappy they are, and they are. You are standing up for yourself in a way, not giving in to his bs... but I think that you can take control of your life, make it work for YOU, no matter who else is there with you. If your marriage sucks, then either figure out how to mend it, or let it go. If YOU get your sh*t together, then the rest of the crap fades into the background.
Re: You left the party and noone knows you are gone
Boy you are right, I need to get my sh!t together. I wish I could hire someone to do it for me. I did realize last night that instead of looking at this situation like they abandoned me, I will look at it like a break from the drama. Perhaps my mother and sister know I needed a break from them and are leaving the ball in my court because I have been arguing with them and told them to leave me alone. Perhaps I got what I wanted. Hmmmmmmm . . . .