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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

Sorry once again i had gotten too involved with working and had forgotten all about this site. I cant believe it's been 3 years. I agree with alot of the comments you have. I fight for my marriage everyday and still do. We are still unable to have any kids. my wife has refused counseling and has stated that if we cant fix it then counseling wont. It has become increasingly hard on me.

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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 08:05 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

I would strongly suggest you and your wife find the funds to go to joint therapy.

This is a very big deal that could ruin an otherwise good marriage with resentment.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 08:35 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

don't even worry about kids until you get your house in order.


my wife and I stopped counting miscarriages at fifteen. that was several years ago. that was only a small part of our marital stress. it was not enough to ruin a good relationship. when our relationship sucked, it just sucked. it wasn't because of fertility issues.

now, that said, I'm assuming yall haven't looked at the option of adopting out of the foster system?
if you decide to go that route, it will not cost you tens of thousands of dollars...

"The ecologist is continually having to look at the aspects of nature with which he is unfamiliar and perforce must be an amateur for much of his working time.... professionals may carp at omissions, misconstructions, or even downright errors in these pages. perhaps ultimately they may forgive them for the sake of the overall vision that only the amateur, or the ecologist, blithely sets out to experience."G. Evelyn Hutchinson
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 11-04-2016, 06:47 AM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

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Originally Posted by As'laDain View Post
my wife and I stopped counting miscarriages at fifteen. that was several years ago. that was only a small part of our marital stress. it was not enough to ruin a good relationship. when our relationship sucked, it just sucked. it wasn't because of fertility issues.
@As'laDain, wow, I am very sorry for you and your wife. It's good to know that what happened did not affect your relationship in a negative way. For many couples, it does... At least in my experience. There can be a gradual buildup of resentment.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 11-04-2016, 06:54 AM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

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Jrock
I suggest you and your wife attend counseling FAST!!!!

I am unable to have children either, my husband has one from before our marriage. I never knew about this child (he is now 15) until two years ago.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years.
Knowing that he had a child made me extremely happy, watching the joy in his eyes when he finally met that child made me bittersweet.

One of the reasons we separated and are divorcing is because I am unable to have children. My husband wants children. We went to counseling once but he didn't like it so we stopped going.
I feel worthless as a woman for not giving him a child.
I feel that one of the reasons he didn't fight to keep our marriage
going was because he also wants children and knows he cant have
them with me.
Does this make him selfish?
No, he just knows what he wants and our love ended.
It is very sad, but it is the truth.

Please go to counseling.
I will never understand a situation like this. There are so many children that need adopting. What leads a person to say it must be of your own body or I am leaving you?

Sorry, NE.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 11-04-2016, 03:08 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

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@As'laDain, wow, I am very sorry for you and your wife. It's good to know that what happened did not affect your relationship in a negative way. For many couples, it does... At least in my experience. There can be a gradual buildup of resentment.
well, it certainly affected us... but, it was just one of the many factors that influenced our relationship. my wife struggled, and still does struggle, with feeling like a failure as a woman because she cant seem to carry to term anymore. if she dwells on those thoughts too much, she starts to see resentment where there really is none. I have never felt bad about it personally, except for seeing the pain it causes her.

my wife and I are planning on adopting out of the foster system, but we are currently working on integrating another family into our home until they can get back on their feet. that will likely take several years. so far, they are doing great, but it will take a little time to get things settled. in the mean time, we are still going ahead with the adoption process, but we wont be looking to place anyone in our home until we have the dynamics between our two families hashed out.

from what I see, its usually the individuals who ruin their own relationships due to stresses like fertility issues. for instance, my wife treating me coldly when she thinks that i resent her when i really don't. or someone fooling themselves into believing that its the woman's fault, continuing to tell themselves that to justify their bad feelings about the subject.

my wife and i have had all kinds of stressors in our marriage. multiple deployments, pregnancy in the first year, sexless first few years, infidelity, crazy In-Law issues, financial problems, financial infidelity, etc. the ONLY ones that really impacted our relationship were the ones that were chosen as an action. infidelity, lying about money, etc.

so, if i chose to resent my wife for not being able to have more children, it would be my choice to blame her that would be the reason our relationship suffered.

is it really the fertility issues that cause the strife in the relationship? from where i stand, its not. that's just the excuse used to manifest an internal problem into an external one.

"The ecologist is continually having to look at the aspects of nature with which he is unfamiliar and perforce must be an amateur for much of his working time.... professionals may carp at omissions, misconstructions, or even downright errors in these pages. perhaps ultimately they may forgive them for the sake of the overall vision that only the amateur, or the ecologist, blithely sets out to experience."G. Evelyn Hutchinson
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 11-04-2016, 04:32 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

I am also in the camp that wanted children but can't. I was married in my mid 20's, we were trying for children but nothing. Found out I was the problem, not low sperm count, but zero count. I was born that way. Despite suggesting adoption, invetro, she bolted. Gee, thanks.

Try dating in your 20's to early 30's and tell a woman you can not father children, some times they leave skid marks going out the door.

I understand wanting children but can't. It sucks.
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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 11-05-2016, 03:54 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

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I will never understand a situation like this. There are so many children that need adopting. What leads a person to say it must be of your own body or I am leaving you?

Sorry, NE.
wow.... this post was over three years ago!

@farsidejunky thank you for resurrecting this..... I have done a lot of heaving since then, and yet I have a lot of healing left to do.

I am divorced now. I was brainwashed back then. Turns out, ex was a very deceitful individual. I thank the Gods who guided me out of the marriage. I needed to read this today. THank you!

I say Left, but mean Purple
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