When you both want kids and you can't have them - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 06:35 AM Thread Starter
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When you both want kids and you can't have them

My wife and i have been dealing with this for 7 years now. I feel deep down inside it is the only thing that is keeping us from having a wonderful marriage. We both want kids. The only issue is that she can't have them and may never be able to have them. I on the other hand can have as many as i want. Due to the economy we dont have the means to try in vitro or adoption. I am not sure what others think but i kind of get the feeling deep down inside that this is why we fight all the time. I seem to feel like deep down inside her feelings are a bit towards the resentment or jealousy side because i have that ability to have kids and she doesnt. she is my soul and the love of my life. I just dont know what to do anymore. Anyone have any suggestions, ideas, or solutions on how to cope with something like this?

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 06:39 AM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

If you fight all the time why stay?
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 07:17 AM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

Maybe it's time to let go of that goal. If it's not going to happen, what are your options? Well, one you didn't mention was fostering... Have you guys thought about taking in a foster child indefinitely?

I'm so very sorry for your situation... But it does make me for more grateful for the little baby I'm growing right now... My aunt was never able to have children, either, so I know that pain is great for you.

Wishing you the best. Love, don't fight!
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 07:31 AM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

My H had leukemia treatments as a kid. He's not sterile.. but a high number of deformed sperm. I have a chronic condition that makes it difficult to carry a baby to term. It's a heart wrenching thing for my H, to never be able to have his own kids.
I don't think it ever goes away. It does get "less intense" with time.
You can only reassure your wife that you want to be with her, no matter the outcome. Counselling might help both of you. It's about accepting the way things are, they cannot be changed, and learning to focus on what you DO have in life instead of what you can't have.

Being a foster parent can be soooo rewarding.
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 08:02 AM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

I have more friends that can't have kids than those who can. ALL have adopted or fostered babies/kids. I believe where there is a will there is a way.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 12:24 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

What sucks is that this is through no fault of hers that she can't have kids.....and I just don't like the sentence where he says I can have as many as I want....Idk maybe it's just the way he put it, but it sounds like he is blaming her for the problem when, in reality, it's not her fault, or his, it's just nature....
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 12:32 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

This is indeed heart wrenching. My sister-in law cannot have children either. They have become very involved in my children's lives and that of their other nieces and nephews.

Other solutions are to borrow money from family for medical procedures, take in foster children, or simply realize that this dream will not come true. Some people channel this desire into their pets.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 01:25 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

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Originally Posted by deejov View Post
Being a foster parent can be soooo rewarding.
Or, why not just flat-out adopt? Fostering has less responsibility (i.e. it does not have to be permanent, you get gov't aid) but you have a government agency worker in your business (since the child is still a ward of the state).

I guess the challenge might be to separate the biological from the emotional.

ETA: Counseling is a must, regardless of how the family life works out. She is resentful of his ability to have children naturally and/or she is resentful of his inability to pay for technological assistance (i.e. "well I might be able to have a baby if he would foot the bill").

I think this second possibility is very real and perhaps more damaging than the first because it places long-term blame on him. IOW, if she accepted that her infertility was his fault she would have to get over it. If she became convinced that he denied her a reasonable opportunity then suddenly he's the bad guy and she can avoid responsibility for her physical issues.

Last edited by DTO; 03-22-2012 at 01:34 PM.
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 02:04 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

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Originally Posted by GreenEyes View Post
What sucks is that this is through no fault of hers that she can't have kids.....and I just don't like the sentence where he says I can have as many as I want....Idk maybe it's just the way he put it, but it sounds like he is blaming her for the problem when, in reality, it's not her fault, or his, it's just nature....
Me thinks it is just the opposite. He is not blaming her. He is perceiving that she is resentful of his reproductive health or possibly in denial of her own inability to bear children (I actually knew a couple that had this latter dynamic).
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-25-2012, 09:17 AM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

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...and I just don't like the sentence where he says I can have as many as I want...
OP, it is very repugnant for you to say "I can have as many as I want"... wtf? No, you cant. You are just fertile. And the attitude that you have about being able to have kids makes me think that you might also portrait this kind of attitude to your wife - which will only make her feel worse about being infertile.

Anyways, I suggest you guys go to counseling and make a decision about how you guys will cope with the infertility and find a solution to becoming parents in a different way.

Good luck!


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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-25-2012, 09:52 AM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

Most people don't realize how expensive and grueling the adoption process is. I hate when people say "you can adopt" as if it is buying a kitten.

You can only adopt if you have thousands of dollars for legal fees, near perfect health and a very nice home. The homestudy is very rigorous and I have seen decent couples get rejected for minimal reasons.
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

hello everyone i am so very sorry for replying so late. i had drowned myself in work to try and forget all of my marital issues. during that time i had forgotten about this site and only recently been getting emails from the site. To reply to some of the comments..... I don't blame my wife for anything. I am much older than she is and i am not getting any younger. I understand that she has a medical condition. I dont portray any type of attitude towards her other than love and commitment and understanding. Fostering is out of the question for both her and i as we don not want to get attached to a child only for them to be pulled away from us. We have considered adoption but as one person commented, i dont have thousands of dollars to spend on adoption nor do i have any family members who would be willing to donate to the cause. In fact some of our family members have given us quite a few negative comments about not being able to have kids which have forced us to stop going to birthdays involving children within our family. This dilemma we have in our marriage has made birthdays and holidays very hard for us. it has also put a serious strain on our marriage. It has made my wife very un-affectionate and detached from any real relationship. I appreciate all of the positive comments given, but in the future please keep any and all negativity comments to yourself.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 02:11 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

Have you considered a personal surrogate? As in a family member?

It IS a shame that adoption is so difficult. I was adopted by a wonderful family.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-...-my-story.html

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

although i havent told my wife anything like that i have thought about that after watching some of the reality shows that she watches. the big problem with that is she wants to go through the whole experience of giving birth.
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 06:44 PM
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Re: When you both want kids and you can't have them

Jrock
I suggest you and your wife attend counseling FAST!!!!

I am unable to have children either, my husband has one from before our marriage. I never knew about this child (he is now 15) until two years ago.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years.
Knowing that he had a child made me extremely happy, watching the joy in his eyes when he finally met that child made me bittersweet.

One of the reasons we separated and are divorcing is because I am unable to have children. My husband wants children. We went to counseling once but he didn't like it so we stopped going.
I feel worthless as a woman for not giving him a child.
I feel that one of the reasons he didn't fight to keep our marriage
going was because he also wants children and knows he cant have
them with me.
Does this make him selfish?
No, he just knows what he wants and our love ended.
It is very sad, but it is the truth.

Please go to counseling.
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