What should I do when my parents ask an insulting question about my fiance's family? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-01-2012, 09:25 PM
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Re: What should I do when my parents ask an insulting question about my fiance's fami

You have already posted about your mother and her inability to let go. She says nasty things to make you feel guilty about living your own life. I won't say that you shouldn't let it bother you, because it is natural to be upset when mothers are insulting.

Capricorn, I have a strong feeling that you already know what you need to do. You readily admit that you need to be much more assertive, so there is no need to constantly seek validation for your feelings or standing up to your mother. This problem is not new.

Why did you have to ask your parents for help? That is what moving companies or friends are for. Do not invite negative people into your private business! It just gives them ammo. My mother groans about knowing very little about my life, but we like it that way. I know she likes to gossip and put me down, so I hardly share anything.

My parents tried to stifle me and keep me a little girl in their home forever. I was viewed as rebellious and picked on by other family members, because I dared to make my own choices and lived on my own. I had to stop caring about their approval in order to learn about myself. You need to do the same. I can certainly appreciate growing up in a toxic family, but you are behaving as if you are still a scared child and not a woman. You no longer need to be afraid of your parents!

I will paraphrase what I said to you in the last thread about your mom: Be civil, but never friendly. Do not tell her anything about your life and coldly let your mom know that your husband comes first: "Nothing you say will change how I feel about my husband and his family. If you cannot be positive, you don't need to be around us." Not standing up to your mother and then complaining about it to others solves nothing. Only you can help yourself, babes.

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post #17 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-02-2012, 08:09 AM
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Re: What should I do when my parents ask an insulting question about my fiance's fami

Originally Posted by capricorngirl_99 View Post

I need to be more assertive with them for sure. I grew up in an environment where you do not dare question the parents or authority, even when the parents are in the wrong. If I ever tried to, I got spanked for it. But I need to be not so afraid of my parents and stand up to them. I am tired of their holier than thou attitude towards people. I am tired of them making my life a living hell, as well as my fiance's.
I'd rather grow up in a messy house where I knew I was loved, than in a house where I had to toe the line or not get love.

You will definitely have to TEACH your parents - since you are an adult, after all - how to treat you and your fiance. Any time they say such things, smile, take their hand, and say 'I love you, but I can't let you disrepect my fiance or his family. If you continue, I'll end up not wanting to be around you.' Then change the subject.
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post #18 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-02-2012, 08:10 AM
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Re: What should I do when my parents ask an insulting question about my fiance's fami

Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
Simply tell your parents your loyalties lie with your husband and that he will hear every snide comment they make.

They'll shut up
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