The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
Yeah, it's the old marriage problem. I've already lost hope that my wife will like my mom now, the good thing is my wife is very civil when they meet. So there are no big fights whatsoever.
But the real problem is when my wife complains something about my mom said. She couldn't say this things to my mom herself, so she took it out on me.
I know my mom isn't the easiest person to get along. She's very straightforward in expressing her opinion, that it could sometimes comes out rude. Me having lived 30 years with her, could detect this and formulate a cooling down answer or jokes that maintain respect, but also relay the message to her that I don't agree with her.
For a little background on what I think caused this:
my family is pretty well off, while my wife's family isn't. Before we got married, me, mom and my sister went to my wife house for some wedding preparation. Her house is small, and a bit shabby. Afterwards, my mom made a joke remarks (she laughs without any sign of malice when saying this) that how could my wife house could still stand. She was very hurtful by this comment, and now see my mom as a snob who is being disrespectful to her family. I haven't got a clue on how to handle this, one hand I do agree that it's crass, but on the other hand, I know she doesn't mean any harm. My parents didn't born into money, they worked hard themselves.
Another incident is when just after my wife gave birth to our son. We both couldn't cope with the amount of work and stress in caring for the new born, so we moved in with my parents. My wife wanted her mom to come and live with us, but due to the circumstances at that time, it was virtually impossible, so we lived with my parents instead. My son already had teeth and at that time has trouble with breastfeeding. He has virtually mangled my wife nipples and she's in a lot of pain. In effect, my wife found hard to sit still while breastfeeding so she sits in various places in the house, wherever she find most comfortable. One day, my mom saw my wife in the living room breastfeeding my son. She was worried that if someone come in without knocking and see her like that. So she asked my wife to move into our room and remarked "there you can even go naked without any problem". My wife gone to our room crying and I was furious. I complained that I don't appreciate she talks like that. But my dad give me a big dressing down saying you shouldn't talk like that to your mother. Big fight ensues. The next day, after we all calm down my dad sit us down, he apologized for coming hard on me last night, and said he's sorry. He told me to apologize to my mom. I went to apologize but she never apologize back for the things she said. I feel she should, but I don't want to prolonged the problem.
Back to the present, I've move back again into my own house and I already forgive and forget about all that stuff. I don't want to get angry to my parents, they've raised me well and I'm taught to always respect your parents. I've decided that if they said something I don't agree with I just wouldn't take it seriously, just forget about it and smile. While my wife, now everything that comes out from my mom mouths is seen as a critique. And she complains to me about it. I'm literally at lost on how to handle it.
The newest problem come yesterday. I've been away on business trip out of the country. We usually chat on messenger to catch up with one another. Last night, while chatting, she said that my mom called her earlier that day. Since I've been away for 2 weeks, my mom thought that it would be nice if she comes and visit her and our son. My wife said that she already on the way to her mom house to stay for a few days. She also said that she also had planned to meet her sister's family there. My mom, thought that they all going to stay the night asked whether is there enough room for everybody. Now I see this as a logical question, that I would also asked. Her sister family is a party of five, if my wife and my son also joined in I don't think there's enough space for everyone. But my wife thinks that this is another attempt from my mom to undermine her family. That her house is too small and shabby. When she told me about this I was "yeah, I thought so too, is it enough?" I literally didn't see any problem with what my mom asked. Then slowly the chat become nasty. She then shift her anger toward me how I never support her. She also becomes offensive towards my family, not just my mom. How the house my parents lived in is a gift from my oldest sister, and that her late father is much better because he bought their house on his own. She went on and on, trying to downplayed my family.
I was getting tired of this, I really thought that she was being a drama queen, and now being nasty just to gain an upperhand. I was also tired physically and seriously need dinner as I have been out for a while during the day. So I did what I now know I shouldn't do: escape from the situation. So after she wrote: "One day, I'll buy a good house for mom so that nobody underestimate my family again". I wrote: "that's good idea, we'll do that when we had the money. So, I really need to take a bath and get some dinner soon. ttyl". I waited for a few minutes to see whether she still have something to say. After seeing no reply I log off and do what I need to do. However, after I finished, I got a very angry text from her. Saying that how could I log off when she still wasn't finished. I text back saying I thought we're done because she was silent, and I don't mean to upset her. I text her that I've log back in if she wants to continue. She just seemed getting angrier, how could I think about shower and dinner when she still has something to say. And she text that how much she hated my mom and will always hate her if she still like that. and my son doesn't want to get close to my mom because he knows how bad my mom is treating her. She also text me not to contact her for the next few days and I just replied "ok". I haven't try to talk to her up to now.
Now, I've read some suggestion that I should stick to my wife side first and foremost. While I understand and want to do this, I don't see how I get on her side without talking bad about my mom. And it's kinda hard to be on her side if she was being offensive about my family.
Sorry for the long post, but I'm trying to put everything that might caused this. So if anyone have any idea on how to approach this I'll be grateful. Muchas gracias.
Hello
I don't think there is a side to take between your mom and wife. I can see that it's been affecting you and your relationship with both of them.
There is a lake of communication between your mom and wife, and this is their job to do something about it, not you. You are kind of stuck in the middle.
Did your mom and wife ever have a conversation on this situation? Maybe it doesn't sound very fun to have this conversation, but it will have a lot of benefits. What would be the benefits?
They to talk this out, there is a need to take action here. Both of them are unhappy in this situation, change needs to happen.
One of them should ask the other when would it be a good time to talk. A neutral conversation without any angriness, both of them want to be understand.
Your wife and your mother started their relationship off badly, and this will probably not get any better. Acknowledge your wife's feelings, tell her that you understand that your mother has said some very insensitive things to her. Then state that your mother does not know how to express herself diplomatically. Tell your wife that it hurts you when she denigrates your family. If you start off by acknowledging your wife's pain, it should help to make her feel that you understand her anger toward your mother. Say that your mother was wrong to make comments about the shabby house.
You can also try having a talk with your mother, but somehow I doubt that this will do any good. Your best bet is to calmly tell your wife that it hurts you to hear negative things about your family, and you would appreciate it if she did not go on and on about her anger. Keep repeating this to her. Gently change the subject if she refuses to let it go.
Normally I would say you need to man up and support your wife's position over your parents. But it's pretty hard to man up when you're living under their roof. So, are you teen agers or something? Now that you're a parent yourself perhaps it's time to cut the chord.
I've had a lot of issues with my MIL and my husband did not stand up to the plate. It got so bad that one day his mom tried to drop me off in a city with no money over 18 hours from home. I had gotten fed up with taking my MIL remarks and treatment- and I snapped. I don't think you would want that to happen. My suggestion is you choose your wife or mom- if your wife does not want to communicate with your mom then that is her choice- but you shoulld still communicate with her...your wife shouldnt have a problem with that. Unless all three of you are willing to go to marriage counseling that seems like the best solution. It has been for me. My MIL is not allowed in my house for the time being, although I am civil to her...send her presents, short phone call, thats it. But if we are around eachother- it will turn into a very bad fight...A man leaves his mother and father when he marries, and his wife becomes his other half....thats the way it is supposed to be. But many men including mine, seem to have a problem with that. Your wife probably has built up tension, and if you don't address your mother, she is only going to continue to try and push her way into your wives sanity-which will in turn make you angry with your wife...as you have told us, your wife is angry, WITH YOUR MOM...but YOU AS WELL....bcuz she feels like she is not the #1 woman and that your mom is...you need to prove to her that SHE IS and if you cannot do that...then just hope u don't end up in a bad situation were ur mom makes u choose her or your wife like my MIL did- thats when my husband finally stood up to the plate- and we embarked on our bus ride home for 3 days...but if its possible maybe they should try to talk, but if ur wife is too angry- ur better off doing it.
Just to clear up a few things.
We already have our own place for almost our marriage life. We only lived a few months at my parents place on 2 occasions. The first was earlier in our marriage when our house was having major renovation, it became untenable, so we have to live in my parents house for a month. The second occasion was when my wife was 8 months pregnant, she can barely move and would need help once the baby is born. So it was practical to move in with my parents at least until my son is 3 months old.
Anyway, we've made up. My wife apologize to me saying that she shouldn't say those things about my mom. And I apologize to her for not seeing the situation from her perspective. Told her that she's always be my number 1. She seems very happy with that.
I think personally it's not the fact that I don't agree with her that made her mad, but it was my initial reaction of not trying to see the situation from her perspective given her bad experience with my mom (which I should have known).
I will try to remember that if she complains again.
__________________ www.toprelationshipcoaching.com
Five frogs are sitting on a log. Four decide to jump off. How many are left? Still 5 frogs because there’s a difference between deciding and doing.
To get what you want, take action!
You come across as a momma's boy. Why are you still living with your parents when you are married? Is this a cultural tradition? The reason I ask is where I live, italians and east indians tend to stay home until and even after marriage.
A married couple needs their own space to learn to live together and make decisions independently. You are not married to your mother, yet you are putting mumsey above your wife. This is not healthy. Your mother seems very manipulative; insulting with a smile. Remember that your wife does not know your mother very well; you have had more practice in dealing with your parents.
Respect goes both ways in a parent-adult child relationship; you and your wife deserve respect as well. Some parents squawk about respect when they really mean "Do as I command at all times and never question my authority."
You come across as a momma's boy. Why are you still living with your parents when you are married? Is this a cultural tradition? The reason I ask is where I live, italians and east indians tend to stay home until and even after marriage.
A married couple needs their own space to learn to live together and make decisions independently. You are not married to your mother, yet you are putting mumsey above your wife. This is not healthy. Your mother seems very manipulative; insulting with a smile. Remember that your wife does not know your mother very well; you have had more practice in dealing with your parents.
Respect goes both ways in a parent-adult child relationship; you and your wife deserve respect as well. Some parents squawk about respect when they really mean "Do as I command at all times and never question my authority."
They don't live with his parents. Read his last post, he clarifies the situation.
I think your mom is wrong for the comments she made and she is making your wife feel like she isn't good enough for you or your family and she doesn't feel like she's accepted and that's not right because you all should be one happy family not 3 unhappy, stressed out families. Your Dad stood up to you and that's because he took your Mom's side because he loves her and obviously your Mom was offended and told him about it and he said something, like you should be doing for your wife. It doesn't have to be an argument just go talk to your Mom and tell her everything and tell it like it is. If she gets mad... oh well, she wont be mad forever, she'll probably stop being nasty to your wife, your wife will feel good that you stood up to your Mom for her (she also probably feels like she can't say anything to your Mom out of respect for you.) Imagine you in her shoes.
As Dr. Phil said years ago, it's up to the adult child of that parent(in this case you) to lay out the boundaries concerning your parents. If your mother says something rude or insensitive it's your job to step in-and mediate.
I've always laid down the rules with my family as far as how they are to talk/treat my partner. I don't allow them to bash treat my partner badly-and they don't Since they are my family, I understand them better than my partner does,and they take my feelings into account here more than "that" guy she's with.
My MIL is a selfish witch who I personally can't stand. I remember when our 14yr old was a month old-my inlaws decided(without calling first) they would come visit and stay with us for a couple of weeks. The worst part besides being exhausted caring for a newborn was having a MIL who treated our home like a hotel and left messes all over the place. When I asked for someone to help with dishes-she had a fit. Not only is she inconsiderate,she thinks my partner is far more superior to me and always loved trying to get in the middle of things...
The major problem is that my partner has NEVER tried to stand up for me-lets him mom do or say anything she wants and it hurts that he'd always excuse her rude behavior.
Point is-you're NOT married to your mom. She did her job raising you. As an adult you need to define the boundaries with your parents(when everyone is calm)and make them understand how what they say/do can be misinterpreted and help MEDIATE the two sides.
So very common. Your initial instincts were mostly right. A few things come to mind.
Those who are looking to be offended usually are. Your wife doens't like your mom and so tries to read between the lines with every word that comes out of her mouth. Is it justified. Maybe. Is it relevant (no). How about a third option where she takes her words at face value. Being polite and letting the past be the past. If the mother is abusive that is a different matter but at this point it sounds like sniping.
The best advice I could give is be confident in who you are and where your family is headed. Listen to advice and if you disagree then disagree politely and move on. If you are dealing with reasonable people they may be hurt initially if you reject their advice but will respect the strength of your conviction as long as it is in the best interest of the children and your family.
Another great quote to remember is "We wouldn't worry what other people thought of us so much if we knew how seldom they did". Then take a moment to think about how often you sit around thinking about other people you know. (Almost never), we are busy living our own lives and seek out people that we have positive interactions with.
1Likes
my wife has a problem with my mom 
Since they are my family, I understand them better than my partner does,and they take my feelings into account here more than "that" guy she's with.
Not only is she inconsiderate,she thinks my partner is far more superior to me and always loved trying to get in the middle of things...
