Son is headed toward adoption/now in foster -- Having trouble with acceptance - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-27-2012, 01:10 AM Thread Starter
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Son is headed toward adoption/now in foster -- Having trouble with acceptance

My husband and I got married two years ago. We had talked around the subject of marriage, but it didn't actually happen until I discovered I was pregnant while I had a visit to my former second home of the crisis ward in the community hospital of my hometown.

My husband had trouble accepting the reality. We both have mental illness, were living in supportive transitional housing programs (his was more permanent but still supportive), and mine... I was trying to find a more long term situation with the same agency, supportive housing on a longtime basis.

I went to crisis house, then started trying to rearrange the furniture -- acting very strangely, and I was afraid to take a shower. Fast forward to when I was finally in the hospital, and I was arguing with the doctor on the subject of medications during pregnancy. I went in to try to stage protest. I thought I would defend myself. He didn't listen at all, and I was afraid he wouldn't let me out if I didn't comply. I suppose I could have stayed in and waited, seen how it went. I wasn't thinking well obviously.

Later on, we looked for a place to stay while I was back at the crisis house. Finally, our social worker referred me to the complex where I live now. I've since moved to a one bedroom from our two-bedroom apartment that we picked out especially to begin the process of raising our son (who will be two years old at the end of April).

Our son is now in foster care. When we first got him home from the hospital, we suddenly got a call from CPS. We hadn't even settled into our home yet, but we were just staying with my mother-in-law when we got the call. They came over, and the investigation began before we even got a chance to breathe.

Our son had a bowel obstruction when he was first born. The doctors performed a procedure to see if they could move the blockage or at least diagnose a way to do so. They ended up rupturing his intestine, came up to get us to allow a colostomy operation, so he had a colostomy bag for the first six months of live.

There were a few other medical needs he had, and we took care of them. My mother-in-law helped with a lot of transportation because we always had to get to the hospital three hours away to stay consistent with appointments, etc.

My husband had a relapse on drugs while I was still at the hospital before our son ever first came home. I wasn't aware until many months later.

The arguments ended up intensifying. My husband went off his medication. The social worker I had then said I had to go stay with the mother-in-law until something was resolved. I felt this was not a good choice, but she threatened to call CPS on us herself if I did not do as she said.

I came back to my husband with the baby just before Christmas 2010. Right after the New Year, the whole thing came to a head. My social worker was supposed to check how things were going with us, but my husband was threatening to leave and go become homeless... I stood in his way, and I know you cannot control people.... I said something terrible, something about our son that I know I'll regret for the rest of my life. My husband hit me, and I know it was in defense of our son.

I called the police right then, and the social worker and police were both at our home. My husband left, went to the crisis house himself, ended up back at transitional housing, and finally I ended up with another meltdown about this time last year over some disagreements I had with my mother-in-law over medical testing for my son.

My son went into protective custody, then with my mother-in-law, then with foster care.

The Family/Children's Services office did psychological tests on us -- two on both of us. They weren't favorable, and we didn't contest. I didn't feel I would get any more support than I had from the beginning. I was nervous, and partly I had decided the things they said about me might be true, so I want my son to have the best possible life -- even if it's not with me.

I don't know what is right. I don't know if I should just accept or even if I have a choice in the matter.

Some people say I should get Chris out of my life completely. Family say that, and my minister's wife from church says that.

I feel like I don't know the right answer. I don't know if I'm blinded and I'm not seeing the events for what they really are. I don't know if I'm being selfish or if I'm giving up too easily.

All I know is I want the best for my son.

The foster/adoptive parents have talked about having it as an open adoption. They would move because the dad is in the Navy, but they have family in the area and would possibly visit with us at different times.

Someone from an agency recommended giving them self-addressed stamped envelopes, etc. We have a Facebook page where we can see photos of him.

Deep inside, I wish it didn't have to be this way. I'm conflicted between the knowledge he is in safe hands (or the assumption anyway) and the desire to be the parental figure, the mother in my son's life.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-27-2012, 02:04 AM
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Re: Son is headed toward adoption/now in foster -- Having trouble with acceptance

Well, your son will hopefully have a good life in a stable home.

It's the best thing for him, it seems.

I can't imagine the anguish you must be feeling about this, but as a mother, I'm sure you want the best for him and our situation doesn't seem to be that place.

Good luck.

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-27-2012, 11:49 AM
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Re: Son is headed toward adoption/now in foster -- Having trouble with acceptance

What is the best thing for your son then? I think you know exactly what is good for him.
If you could see him happy and balance, where would it be? Who would respond to his need in all time?

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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-31-2012, 10:48 PM
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Re: Son is headed toward adoption/now in foster -- Having trouble with acceptance

I commend you for looking at your son's life without selfishness. You want the best for him. Only you know how tough your life has been and what obstacles that you have encountered. Your son needs as much support as he can while he is developing into a man. Will you have that support on an ongoing basis? Are you able to provide the basic necessities? Are you willing to disconnect from the father if he is unstable? I wish you the best....I honor that you are considering adoption.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-06-2012, 09:53 PM
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Re: Son is headed toward adoption/now in foster -- Having trouble with acceptance

From your post, and the decisions that you made, it sounds like you are far stronger than you may give yourself credit for. Do you have family? You do need to consider what is best for your son, but I'm not sure giving him up is. The father is definitely a bad influence, but if you could find some stability then maybe you could keep your son. Do you belong to a church or some organization where you could get help? Based on what you have said here, every decision you have made, every thought is, what is best for your little baby. I do not know your specific issue but you sound pretty amazing to me. There is not enough information here to provide you with much advice except to tell you that the father is not good news, you need to get away. CPS is not always a positive influence either, I've heard terrible stories. They can be bullies. You need someone who is supporting you and wants what's best for your boy but not them. You need perspective. What is this family like? Sounds like the Dad may not be home much. If that's the case, then maybe he is better off with you? I wish you the best, and if you decide it is best for him to be adopted then God Bless you, you are a very selfless person. In any case, it will be a very tough decision.
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