04-06-2012, 08:43 AM
Join Date: Apr 2012
| | 2nd marriage: Must he choose between wife and children?
DH and I were married 6 years ago. We each have 3 children. His two older children have had a hard time accepting our new family and do not spend much time with us. It is beginning to bother DH so much that he's actually considered divorce. He says he still loves me but doesn't know if our relationship is worth not having his children spend time at our house. Even though they are now 21 and 19, and branching out on their own. I think the main issue for his kids is my son who is 19. Our older boys are very different and SS has never liked my son's friends. There is some tension or uneasiness when they are together. They are pleasant but not friends. On the other hand, our younger three children (13,13,17) are great friends. And his youngest daughter (13) gets along great with with my oldest son. (She's at our home about 30% and I'm very close to her...she's like my own daughter.)
I get along fine with my two older SKs, but there is emotional distance. DH is the same with with my 2 oldest. I want my family to remain together. I have high hopes for the future. DH is in a negative mindset.
He is bothered that he doesn't have a "home base" for his kids to gather. The older kids when they come home from college stay with their mom who lives a mile away. But he's sees quite a bit of them and has a great relationship with them. I spends more time with his son (who doesn't live with us) than I do with mine who does.
I guess bottom line is: the step family experience has not lived up to his expectations and he's having regrets. EVEN THOUGH we had a great relationship (until he shared this with me 3 months ago). Now it's put a huge strain on our relationship and he's put up a wall. He thinks that in step families, the kids should come first. I think that's a sure fire way to get divorced. His kids shouldn't have a say in if or who he's married to.
I see things differently, but then my kids want to hang out at our house/his don't very often.
How do step families deal with older step kids who aren't friends and don't really want to hang out as one big family? I think my husband's guilt is turning him into a martyr. He's actually thinking of divorcing me so he can have his adult children stay at his house a few days/week a year. I can't make sense of it. And if his kids heard that dad got divorced so he'd have more room and a comfortable place for them to stay periodically, wouldn't that put a lot of pressure on them? Young adults want to spend time with friends/dating, not hanging out with their parents.
I guess I'm venting, but has anyone else experienced such an issue? It seems very unusual to me.