The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
It seems like the norm is that couples must have 1 or 2 or more kids or there's something wrong with them, and that their marriage or relationship is incomplete without them. In our case my wife is unable to have kids because she doesn't produce enough eggs and they won't drop properly; so after many many different treatments early on in our marriage and then messing around with adoption but not finding what we wanted, we finally decided that there wasn't going to be any kids and especially now that we're in our 40's and both have careers going.
Anyone else in the same boat or have any issues with couples who DON'T have or want any kids?
After having three children myself, I can understand why some people elect to remain childless. It is mentally and physically draining--especially having a set of twin girls who are high school seniors this year. Children are a blessing, but they aren't for everyone.
We don't have kids, and since we are in our mid-40's, we don't plan to.
Raising children was not a life experience we ever really wanted. I think both of us had to take on a lot of familial responsibilities at a young age, and that made us wary of the kind of lifetime responsibility and care that children require.
I spent a lot of my teen years taking care of my much younger baby sister (whom I adore), but that gave me a view into the...anxiety?...a parent feels in wanting to protect her from everything and wanting her life to be Perfect. It's too much, I think, for me to handle. I'd always be worried about something bad happening.
This way, we don't have worries about illnesses, school bullies, what our kids are searching on the internet, sexting, school systems, drug/alcohol abuse, hurtful sexual experiences, college tuition, or whether the kids will ever be able to find jobs. Oh, and no paperwork! Man, the paperwork involved with kids and insurance and medical care and immunization records and school records, ugh!
Our free time is our own, as is our money. We are able to take lots of opportunities to travel all over, invest for retirement, paid off mortgages, indulge in our hobbies (or be lazy whenever we want) and to sleep in on weekends!
Oh, and we don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about it. Our lives, our choices. I think the would-be grandparents are the only ones who really care, but they have accepted it at this point and don't judge.
People shouldn't judge others for not having kids. It is more admirable to not bring a child into the world if you are not ready for one. Though many people jump into parenthood without thinking, usually by accident. What's selfish is getting pregnant and/or bringing a child into the world without thinking about it beforehand.
Infertility is very sad for those couples who do want a baby. If it is your personal decision to not adopt or have children in other methods, and that is what makes you happy, there is nothing wrong with that. There will always be people who judge, but ignore them. Who are they to say how you should live your life??
At 46 I am definitely over the idea of having or raising any kids, but I did definitely wanna be a dad from about age 25 until my late 30's but as I got into my 40's the desire became less & less for me. Now my wife is still toying with the idea and maybe feeling a little guilt over not having any, but I am slowly convincing her that life can be pretty darn nice without them.
There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with not wanting kids or choosing to not have kids..... and devoting your lives to each other, to your careers, vacationing.... it's all good. More leisure time, more money!
I am sorry for the failed attempts at conception. I was a woman who wanted kids SO BAD...it was unrelenting... and when secondary infertility hit our lives for 6 long yrs, I was a bit difficult to live with. I thank God , after many tests & a surgery ....we went on to have more or I might still be angry today. I hated being an only child, I envied others with large families my whole life, I wanted that more than anything in this world (but that is me!).... It was my dream. It did all come to pass, so I am utterly thankful.
If your wife has neices & nephews to fill that void...this is often so very helpful. Heck, there are so many kids in our society with parents who aren't there for them, you never know who might walk into your life ....for you & her to be Like a second Mom & Dad even. Some of my kids friends call me their 2nd Mom.
I am assuming your wife had to to go through some stages of grief/ loss.... letting go of this dream... if you have arrived at Peace.... God bless you both.
I come from a very large family growing up with little or no privacy until I was in my 20's, and my ex had two kids from her ex husband who were spoiled brats and I helped raise them for the short time we were together(2 years & 2 months), so I have kind of had my fill with the whole having kids and family stuff.
I came from a family with four children and an abusive mother. It negatively shaped my views on motherhood, especially when I noticed how overworked and stressed out my mother was. My father was traditional so he did very little childrearing or housework. La Maman felt that she had to stay with my father when he cheated because of her children. My mother deeply resented the sacrifices she made for her kids and I feel that she would have been happier without offspring.
I have looked after children since I was ten years old, from babies to school age youngsters. The insistent siren wail of a colicky baby nearly drove me insane and left me in tears. I would hate having to go through that for months.
We get a lot of pressure to have babies and I hate it, so now I just tell people that I cannot reproduce. La Maman was shocked to learn that my husband recently had a vasectomy; she thought our childfreedom was "a phase." I shared that private piece of information because I wanted her to get off my back. I used to get angry when she pushed me about children, but now I realize that all mothers want their daughters to take the path of becoming a mom.
It has occurred to me that both my mother in law and my mama must be sad that we are not having kids. My MIL doesn't know about the vasectomy; she is waiting on us to "change our minds".
I never want to feel obligated to stay with my husband if I am not happy with him. I do not want to be stuck doing all the work and I see mothers tied down with kids much more than the fathers. The freedom to go away on a whim or make love all over our place is intoxicating. Pregnancy and giving birth disgusts me-I can't imagine carrying a human inside me or the humiliation of bringing that child into the world. I have to prepare myself mentally for a simple pap smear, so I have no interest in being splayed open in front of people for pregnancy exams and birth. I think the aversion to having my lady bits examined comes from my history of sexual abuse.
I implied that having children adds certain challenges to a couple's sex life and I believe that based on what parents tell me, as well as what I read on TAM. Look how many new dads post about not getting any sex after the baby is born. You can't just have sex in the living room if your children are home, right? Childfree couples don't have those concerns. That is all I was trying to convey and there is no reason to be annoyed if I mention the advantages of our choice. After all, I don't mind if parents talk about the joy of raising children. I love hearing about my friends children as well as my nieces.
When children are too young to stay home alone, childcare has to be arranged if the parents want to have some adult time. There is more planning involved when parents want to have a vacation away or a date. We can just pick up and go without having to consider the needs of a child. We do not always plan our trips or dates either.
Motherhood is not for me, but I am certainly not above it just because I would rather not submit to humiliating exams or listen to loud crying all night. It takes a lot of humility to admit what one cannot handle and I know I would be a disaster as a mother. I'd probably leave my kid on the train or something.
It takes a lot of humility to admit what one cannot handle and I know I would be a disaster as a mother. I'd probably leave my kid on the train or something.
There is nothing at all wrong with admitting these things 1st year.....I wouldn't fault you at all. You have taken the right path for your life on not having children.
There are things I would NEVER NEVER want or have the patience to put up with either...and some would judge me... .for instance.... and I think you'd agree .......I wouldn't be able to put up with a Low drive spouse who didn't desire sex on a regular happening near daily basis....ha ha ... I'd kick him to the curb and go find me a sex fiend. I could likely handle 10 brats (I have enough piss & vinegar energy ...somehow even patience for them)...but I better be having some HOT engaging sex with the husband when we shut that bedroom door at night, that is MY relaxation pleasure time.......or I'd turn into a WITCH in dealing with ...well ....everyone. .. Some things roll over me easily.. then other things... not so much.
We all have our gifts in life....and our limitations.
To know who we are and what we can ...and can not handle....IS wisdom indeed. And to pursue that which we love & are passionate about.
There was a time period for me from like age 25 to around 39/40 where I was quite interested in being a dad, and willing to dedicate my life to making it all about my child. But now as I am well into my 40's most of that desire is gone and I have no paitence for it all, and I'm now looking forward to making the rest of my life all about just me and my wife.