[Beach Man]

That’s Amore’

I am at a loss and would like some feedback somehow. There are a few details to think about. Let me start by saying my fiancee and I are in love and have been together for 2.5 years, she has 2 children (4 & 6) from a previous relationship, I have none. We are getting married in 4 months. I am 42,she is 36.

A little background. I grew up in a house with 3 boys and she, in a house with 3 girls. Both from divorced households. Through counseling we've discussed that I have a strong connection to my parents and she has abandonment issues with her parents and multiple step fathers. We have both had past relationships where we were treated poorly, as so many people have. That is why people have Ex's. The children’s father does not contribute a dime nor has he ever spent a measurable time with the kids.

The problem that I am facing is sporadic frustration. She and I come together at times however, for the most part she is pulling in one direction and I am pulling in another. We have never taken an overnight trip away from the kids and rarely have date nights. Our sex life is surprisingly good and we are very attracted to each other. Intimacy can be defined many ways and I wish that we had more time for just her and I. She doesn’t feel that is an issue. A debatable problem but not a deal breaker. She is not comfortable with her family helping that much even though they live in the same city. I have no family that live close by. I do have friends who have helped us to have a date night or two in the past. It seems I’m the only one who wants a date night and I wish she wanted it more. Not sure if it’s a problem or just something that could be better.
In 2.5 years we have shared a bed together only once and the normal routine is that she sleeps with the children. I get up early (before 5am) so depending how you look at it, this could be a good or bad thing but its works for us at the moment, and I am hopeful that as the kids mature she will gravitate to our bed.

I consider myself a well-balanced person. I was raised to cook and clean for myself, be responsible as well as thoughtful of others. I still make time for myself and grab a beer and turn on the game, the driving range on the weekend and the gym a few times a week.

She tells me there is nothing I can’t do, from cooking gourmet meals, making robots for our daughter’s class projects, building a fort from cardboard boxes, playing with the kids and spoiling her with reminders like notes or flowers. I don’t expect anything in return even though the occasional root beer float or text that says “xo” would be very much appreciated. She’s not as expressive as I am and that’s cool with me. In a way we balance each other out.

My thoughtfulness may be backfiring. I help with the kids so much that I believe she is resenting me. She doesn’t think that boundaries are necessary and that the kids should be able to express themselves without feeling controlled (I agree to the last part). I feel that the kids need to respect the parents and the house. I know I can be authoritative and firm and she is definitely permissive because she listens to the kids but lacks rules and structure. I tell her that she is a kids dream. She cries for me to help when the kids get out of control and then she is criticizing constantly and raising her voice to me in front of the children. It makes me not want to help. So I do what I can to keep the home reasonably maintained (for my own sanity).

I notice that when I stop helping she picks up a little more and puts on her “I don’t need you” hat. This only lasts a day or two until she feels overwhelmed and then she gets mad at me and says “I’m not around enough and I need to help more”. She tells me that she “feels like a single parent again”. Even though I pick up the kids from school, prepare dinner, put on a movie for the kids every night, represent a positive male role model to the kids, and show as much love as any father/husband.
The stage was set long ago when we started dating: I take care of her and she takes care of the kids… that is where it ends. Squeaky wheel gets the grease. Maybe I need to complain, but that’s not me, I’m not a needy person. At least I don’t think so… I’m writing this aren’t I.. ha ha.

The bottom line is that we are planning a wedding, a life together and the best time in our lives should be now. We are also planning to have another child. I feel she resents me, we don’t communicate as well as we should and I want us to be on the same page and we are not.

Are things fine and I just need to be happy? Who knows?

[EbonyGrace]

The fact that you have to ask if things are fine must mean that they're not or are you just trying to conform to what a relationship "should be"? If you are both happy with the way things are and they work for you, who cares what anyone else thinks?
I can imagine your partner maybe has insecurities about the fact that her children's father is not around which could explain her behaviour towards you as far as they are concerned. Your as good as their father so she needs to respect your opinions and come together as a parenting team.
It sounds like you are a little needy but its not a bad thing to want attention and affection from you other half, you're getting married after all! I say spend some time alone together, talk to her and get it all of your chest and start your married life together on the same clean page! Good luck!!