How should I handle this situation?
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Old 03-11-2009, 03:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How should I handle this situation?

To make a long story short, me and my MIL don't get along. I haven't spoke to her in 1 1/2years. I invited her to my home to spend time with her grandson and babysit for a couple days while I went to school. Well, I was 22yrs old at the time and had NO backbone and she disrespected our home in many many ways. For example, she critisized EVERY little thing I did, including how I loaded the dishwasher. She attempted to wean my son by buying him bottles and formula and kept making comments that he, "looked too skinny" and to "get my milk checked out by a doctor". She took naps in me and my partner's bed WITHOUT asking permission. I got mad and had a talk with her and told her that I was going to let her have her time with her grandson and son while I left our place. Well, I went and spent time with my sister while she was around and I came home to my partner snapping at me over stupid little things and my MIL locked herself in the room. I asked my partner what was going on and he said that she has locked herself in the room all day and only came downstairs to eat. I flipped right out and told him that SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE...NOW!!! Well, me and my partner get in a huge huge fight and I called a cab at 12am and me and my daughter slept at my mom's that night. I came back, picked up my son, packed my things and told him that if he thinks that that behaviour is acceptable in MY home then I want nothing to do with him. So, we seperated for a few weeks. I called my MIL and had some very firm words with her. I told her I didn't appreciate her drama and her skulking into the room just because she didn't like what I said to her. The foolish woman started crying saying that she had a hard life blah blah blah... I hung the phone up on her!

I refuse to let my son to go her place to visit(she's 2hrs away) her place because of the people that live iwth her. My partner's brother and his 3 kids live there and those kids have been through the ringer and back...they have been beaten/sexually abused/neglected/verbally abused ect by their mother and her family. The ages of them are 4, 7,8. I feel really bad for them but at the same time I don't want my son around them a whole lot since I don't trust them. They are clearly disturbed, the times i have seen them they have been very inappropriate, they are touchy feely type children, they will hug anybody that walks in the door and sits on just about anyone's lap without permission. I have seen them hit each other's private parts and laughing about it. I am sure they are good kids, they just don't have alot of guidance in their lives. Am I wrong to not want my son around them much? My partner has asked numberous times to bring our son to his mom's place to visit(wihtout me) and I flatly refused. Since her place is 2hrs away a day visit is out of the question, he thinks they need to spend a weekend there. My gut tells me NO NO NO.

So, now, we just had our 2nd child, she's a month old. My partner's family haven't even attempted to see her. I am guessing they sense my hostility towards them and don't want to face me. So, my partner wants me and our 2 kids and his step-child(my daughter) to make a trip to his mom's house in the near future to show our brand new baby off. I don't wnat to do it! I think that if they REALLY REALLY want to see her they'd make the trip and spend THEIR $$ to see their own relative.

I told my partner that if he is going to make me go there, he has to buy me a hotel room and he can take the kids to his mom's place during the day and take them back and if HE wants to spend the night there then he can but my kids stay with me.

Am I handling the situation too harshly? I truly am thinking of the best interest of my children but at the same time since me and his mom don't get along I don't even want to step foot in her home. My partner has shown me time and time again that he'll pick her side over anything so I don't trust that he would back me up if his mom decided to attack me(in her home). My partner tells me he just wants me to be empathetic over the situation and try to think of how this makes him feel. He just wants his kids to know his family - that's it! And I say yes, I do understand but at the same time I want to keep them at arm's length and don't want to take any chances on my kid's possibly getting hurt by these people.

But if they wnat to see the newest addition to their family, shouldn't they make the effort to see her and not me?
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Old 03-26-2009, 01:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How should I handle this situation?

I think that you are correct for the most part in this situation. If there is neglect and abuse at your MIL's house then there isn't a question in hell that you kids should be left overnight there. You may need to be flexible in the future about visiting them though. I don't think you need to stay at your MIL's house but you might need to try and mend whatever relationship you can with his family and be civil. Best friends....NO. Civil...Yes. This seems to be a stressful subjection in your marriage and I think both sides can comprimise to make it a little more bearable.
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Old 03-30-2009, 02:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How should I handle this situation?

Yeah, I guess I will just have to suck it up and put on a pretend civil face

They have planned to come down easter weekend to visit the new baby. Still a couple weeks away, but hey, I guess it's only a couple days out of my life I have to put up with them.

It's just, so much happened, I can't even pretend to like his mom. When I see her, ppl tell me I have a disgusted look on my face. I can't help it!!! I try to pretend but goodness, it's hard. She's sooooooooooooo weird, the things she talks about, and she has this nervous laugh after every sentence.

When I first met her I thought she was a nice lady but once we had kids, holy cow did she ever change.

Gee, I needed to vent that out, haha. One day this will all be old news and I will accept the situation for what it is. It's just going to take time I guess.
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Old 03-30-2009, 04:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How should I handle this situation?

You don't have to pretend to like the MIL. Just be civil and polite. Don't let someone else dictate the joy you have in life. There maybe something you miss out on because you are to occupied with how she is acting. They are there for a finite amount of time and will be gone before you know it. If you are getting irritated, take a "bathroom break" focus on the things you love (i.e. your husband and family) and go back to that joyful place in your life.
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