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My daughter is a great student, good friend, well mannered 9 year old, unless around my husband, her step dad. For 2 years now she has disrespected him, he becomes angry, i step in to support him and repremand her, and here's the result:
*She says i'm choosing him over her,and that she would be happier if he didn't live here.
*He says i don't discipline in a way that stops her behavior, and wonders how long i expect him to put up with it.
I'm wondering what it takes to get her to be respectful to him, and me.
I'm wondering what it takes to get him to acknowledge that:
a. i'm in the middle and it's difficult
b. the disciplinarian suggestions he makes, and i utilize, are not working either...
HELP!!! Has anyone experienced this???
This is indeed a tough spot. Children are masters at pushing our buttons. What consequences are you giving your daughter for her behavior? Words alone do nothing.
yes I have experienced it and it's incredibly difficult
I met my stbxh when D was 2, her real dad isn't in the picture so he's the only dad she's ever known. It's been a real challenge - he wasn't used to kids, she resented sharing my attention even from a very young age because it had only been me and her up until then
all I can tell you is that it is important to be absolutely fair when dealing with her - you should present a united front when it comes to discipline but you also need to observe how he acts with her. My H was always quite strict about behaviour, which has made her grow up into a thoroughly decent kid, but one who has been a bit scared of him (not in a physical sense but emotionally). She has only just admitted this and it makes me feel terribly guilty that I wasn't really aware of her feelings. But it also works both ways, she has to respect him too and respect his position in the family as her father figure - does she see her biological father?
funnily enough my ex and D got on much better when I wasn't around, because when I was it was a constant fight for my attention.
I do wish you luck - 9 is a very difficult age as she's starting to 'find' herself and push boundaries
*She says i'm choosing him over her,and that she would be happier if he didn't live here.
*He says i don't discipline in a way that stops her behavior, and wonders how long i expect him to put up with it.
coming from a situation with an ex-step dad who was too authoritarian (not saying your H is) I'm with everyone else on wondering why she feels that way.
And from his standpoint, "how long you expect him to put up with it"
kids are kids. My ex step dad felt that way. My moms current man, might have his flaws, but the one thing I've seen that makes a difference is his basic understanding that kids are kids, and they're difficult, misbehave, etc. and that its not a matter of "putting up with it" but a matter of parenting them in a positive direction.
find out why she feels that way, and why he feels that after so many years as her dad, he's merely putting up with her behavior. the tone behind that just sounds wrong in my head.
In the husbands defense CLucas the OP did say he husband disagrees with the OPs parenting methods.
So your idea of "parenting in a positive direction" might be impossible from his POV which then leads to the "how long do you expect me to put up with it" statement
Wish the OP would come back Posted via Mobile Device
...don't know how to respond to individual replies to my post, but i appreciate them all. I'm reading them and thinking about what you all have said/asked, and will figure out how to reply...
Thanks for your reply...she gets sent to her room alot due to the words that fly out of her mouth! ...hurtful words directed towards him, and arguing and defensive words directed towards me. If the behavior gets too severe and defiant, she'll get a spanking from me. Groundings mainly, but at this point if i send her to her room for lengthy periods of time, she'll never get out of there.
So you are taking action to provide a consequence for her behavior. Have you tried a family discussion where both your daughter and your husband can air their grievances? Neither one is allowed to criticize the other or to get defensive. They both must listen. I think your daughter feels that she has been pushed out of your heart by your new marriage, and she needs reassurance that she still has an important place in the family.
The other thing that I would suggest is that your husband take her out for some activity that she enjoys. Breakfast, lunch, a movie, horseback riding, shopping at the mall, whatever she would like. They need time to bond without you there.
She says i'm choosing him over her,and that she would be happier if he didn't live here.
You are giving your 9 year old way to much power.
Explain to her without a flicker of guilt in your voice that-
1- Your husband is your equal partner in the household, and the adults run the household, so there is no choosing involved here. Tell her to stop with that kind of manipulation, because it won't work.
2- Tell her AGAIN that your husband is your partner, he will not be moving, and that is not going to change, PERIOD.
End the conversation because it's not a negotiation.
Seriously, your daughter needs to hear these things from you. Hearing them will not make her shrivel up and die of insecurity. I'm sure she well knows that she is loved. If you let it go she is learning some very unlikeable traits (manipulation by guilt) that will never serve her well in the long run, as a child or as an adult.
Explain to her without a flicker of guilt in your voice that-
1- Your husband is your equal partner in the household, and the adults run the household, so there is no choosing involved here. Tell her to stop with that kind of manipulation, because it won't work.
2- Tell her AGAIN that your husband is your partner, he will not be moving, and that is not going to change, PERIOD.
End the conversation because it's not a negotiation.
Seriously, your daughter needs to hear these things from you. Hearing them will not make her shrivel up and die of insecurity. I'm sure she well knows that she is loved. If you let it go she is learning some very unlikeable traits (manipulation by guilt) that will never serve her well in the long run, as a child or as an adult.
YES. This is exactly what needs to happen.
I have three step kids, and had a similar relationship with one of the girls early on.
For me, it was simple. It's my home, my rules. Wife and I set the standards and one of them is that we are both parents. Not step parents.
It took several months of testing boundaries, but we held to them and now things are good. In fact, the 'trouble daughter' is now closer to me than her mother.
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My daughter vs My husband 
Re: My daughter vs My husband 
