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This could be a VERY long story, but I will try to make it brief. We have been married for 16 years, have 3 kids, 15 yos, 12 yos, and 11 yod. I was a SAHM for most of our relationship, which I appreciate. I was going back to school, but due to financials, I also had to go back to work. During that time, my DH's business took a dive as did his ego. We fought constantly over EVERYTHING big and small. He took up drinking in a way that he had never before and long story short, the fights were bad and very, very long, and very very frequent, and in front of the kids. He never hit me, just grabbed me occassionally. I would always try to walk away, but he would always follow me. It was very bad. The yelling was bad, he would go on and on all hours of the night.
Long story short, the kids have lost respect for him. Especially the oldest. There was a time when DH hit him because he was being disrespectful. DH was drunk at the time. DH also recently got a DUI. The oldest found out and that made an already bad situation worse.
I have graduated and have been working for 2 years. The financials are getting better. His attitude has changed since his DUI and the drinking has lessened. He is kind of trying, but the oldest refuses to speak to him. This causes DH to get angry and frustrated. I try to explain that the oldest is going through a lot trying to deal with the past few years. I try to talk to him and tell him that his father is trying to do better, but he doesn't believe it. DH has had a few relapses and they were bad, but overall he is trying at about a 75% effort which is a lot for him.
Then there is the sex. When DH gets upset with our son, he goes to bed. He is upset that I don't initiate more, but really...how can I initiate with a turned back at 8:30? His attitude around the house is just all around very negative, partially due to the fact that the kids don't respect him. It is hard for me to want to have sex with someone who is so negative. We don't have sex much...like honestly, 1-2 times per month. I'd like to have it more, so would he. It is just difficult to go from such a negative and bad day in our home to romance at bed time. The two just don't go together.
At times I think about the crap he put us through and have a really hard time getting past the emotional end of it to just initiate anyways. It's really hard.
He really has never owned up to his end of our problems. He tends to project all of the problems onto me or the kids.
I never talk bad to the kids about him, I always try to talk him up to them, which makes me seem like an idiot when he has his relapses.
On one hand I feel like an enabler
On the other hand I feel like a bad wife and mother
On the other hand I feel like running away from it all
Well, I can understand why your 15 year old son will not talk to his father.
Your son is actually acting appropriately. He’s not pretending that everything is ok. Unfortunately for him he cannot divorce his father… you would have to do that to give him some peace.
Are there any relatives who do not have problems like drinking who would take in your 15 year old? If you do not do something to help him through this you will most likely lose him as soon as he can leave. Why would he want to stay around?
Why are you still around your husband? It does not sound to me like your husband is doing all that well… not with the anger that he seems to still have.
You are allowing your husband to abuse your children. Thus you are abusing them by proxy. Let that sink in.
Why are you still with this man? Have you considered going to Alanon?
I don't think he would agree to go to AA. I don't think he thinks he has a problem.
He doesn't usually think he's ever wrong. He hated the classes he had to go to for his DUI.
He has such a HUGE ego that he doesn't think he has a problem he can't control.
Part of me thinks it would be easier to just leave him and start over. He has put me through
so much crap that I'm over it.
However, the other part wants to believe it will work especially when
there are kids involved. I see he's giving a bit of an effort. We don't fight anymore, at least
We fight like adults....except 2 months ago when he aired our dirty laundry
in front of my family AND the kids (yes drinking was involved). But nothing since...except when
He threw a fit over the lack of sex (not drinking and not in front of kids).
I have no idea of what to do or where to begin. In my dreams, things would
be good. He'd get along with the oldest and he would respect him enough
to have a polite conversation. There would be peace in my home.
It's so sad that I have no one to talk to to give me advice that I have
to turn to complete strangers, but maybe it's more objective this way.
Any thoughts or advice will be appreciated. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, I can understand why your 15 year old son will not talk to his father.
Your son is actually acting appropriately. He’s not pretending that everything is ok. Unfortunately for him he cannot divorce his father… you would have to do that to give him some peace.
Are there any relatives who do not have problems like drinking who would take in your 15 year old? If you do not do something to help him through this you will most likely lose him as soon as he can leave. Why would he want to stay around?
Why are you still around your husband? It does not sound to me like your husband is doing all that well… not with the anger that he seems to still have.
You are allowing your husband to abuse your children. Thus you are abusing them by proxy. Let that sink in.
Why are you still with this man? Have you considered going to Alanon?
My son is very smart. He sees things for what they are and i dont blame him
for how he is reacting. I'm thinking of spending the summer with my parents
with the kids, but there is no where locally my son can go to live. I hate
to put him in a different high school.
I also hate to loose him. I almost would rather loose the DH! Posted via Mobile Device
Your story takes me back 36 years to when I was a 15 year old boy. I wanted nothing more than to kick the **** out of my father and protect my mother, but I was scared and how do you hit your father? Looking back I tried to direct his anger at me because it's all I knew to do, and trust me I did a pretty good job of making him angry. Your son wants to be a man, he wants to protect you and can't bare to see you hurt, emotionally or physically. But he is conflicted, he see's your husband direct hostility toward you, he see's his father act like a jerk and a bully, but how does he confront and challenge his own father? So he let's him know how he feels by showing him he hates him for what he does, by not speaking to him, by showing him he is disgusted with him, embarrassed by him, and by showing him he has zero respect for him
I can't tell you how to fix this, but I remember being that 15 year old boy. Your son is pissed and he wants dad to know it. And it sounds like your son is right, do you want your son to grow up thinking that kind of behavior from a husband and father is OK ? I think you should give the boy a hug and thank him for caring.
Your story takes me back 36 years to when I was a 15 year old boy. I wanted nothing more than to kick the **** out of my father and protect my mother, but I was scared and how do you hit your father? Looking back I tried to direct his anger at me because it's all I knew to do, and trust me I did a pretty good job of making him angry. Your son wants to be a man, he wants to protect you and can't bare to see you hurt, emotionally or physically. But he is conflicted, he see's your husband direct hostility toward you, he see's his father act like a jerk and a bully, but how does he confront and challenge his own father? So he let's him know how he feels by showing him he hates him for what he does, by not speaking to him, by showing him he is disgusted with him, embarrassed by him, and by showing him he has zero respect for him
I can't tell you how to fix this, but I remember being that 15 year old boy. Your son is pissed and he wants dad to know it. And it sounds like your son is right, do you want your son to grow up thinking that kind of behavior from a husband and father is OK ? I think you should give the boy a hug and thank him for caring.
That is a lot to shoulder for a 15 year old, no matter how mature. So I should
Figure out a way to leave DH asap for the sake of the children... I wish he would just
leave sometimes. Posted via Mobile Device
I understand that you want to keep the family together, because that is exactly what you have been doing FOR YEARS. You are exhausted, and you are probably not aware of it.
You and the DH need MC, and it would probably be good if you could get a family counselor in it.
So your DH is "better"-how nice. That does not erase the pain that he has caused and the only way for the family to heal if for him to own it, apologize and improve his behavior.
Respect isn't bestowed on a man for being a father. Respect is earned. And your DH is still in the red in that department and your son knows it.
I understand that you want to keep the family together, because that is exactly what you have been doing FOR YEARS. You are exhausted, and you are probably not aware of it.
You and the DH need MC, and it would probably be good if you could get a family counselor in it.
So your DH is "better"-how nice. That does not erase the pain that he has caused and the only way for the family to heal if for him to own it, apologize and improve his behavior.
Respect isn't bestowed on a man for being a father. Respect is earned. And your DH is still in the red in that department and your son knows it.
Agreed. DH has no idea of the pain he has caused. He only sees how today his son wont speak to him. Now our son is getting to the point where he is talking to his father, but he is saying
disrespectful things, like " get out of my way" and telling his father to go to bed!! See DS goes to bed as soon as he gets home from school so be won't have to speak to his father. Then will get up when his father goes to bed. It's his way of avoidin him. But DH stayed up real late last night to confront him
So DS was being rude last night and DH said basically he had better straighten up
or he's taking his phone away.
I feel SO caught between them. I try to get DS to just be congenial to his father, while I try to make DH see
what he has done to cause all this!!! All while trying to keep the other kids from over hearing and hating him too!!
DH blames me for everything!!!! Says DS learned all his disrespect from ME!! I just want to scream! He has this so twisted but he'll say IM
twistin it!!
I didn't screw up his relationship w his son and I can't fix it. I wish to God I could
Cause Lord knows I would in a heart beat!!
I have a feeling things are about to get real ugly real soon and I dont know
what to do to prevent it! There is no where we can go, not until summer. Posted via Mobile Device
WhyoWhy, my heart went out to you. Your story resonated with me so much! My 15 yo is a daughter but she is reacting the same way as your son. I have three sons but they left home as soon as they were able to. I don't want my daughter to leave sooner than she normally would because of her homelife but unless I do something that is what I believe will happen.
I would advise you to allow your son the opportunity to speak to someone outside of the family, a counsellor or trusted teacher perhaps? My daughter has started counselling and it was only after the counsellor spoke to me with real concerns about D's mental and emotional health that I was able to get D to open up to me and discovered just how deeply our situation (almost identical to yours) has affected her.
I understand how difficult it is for you. D's counsellor made me feel very guilty for not removing her from this situation but although I think it is for the best that we leave, the times when H is 'good' make me feel that I should try to make things right.
I don't really believe I can do that. But until I convince myself that there is no hope I can't seem to find the strength to cut the ties.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and there are some others out here who know what you're going through and that the Right Answer (and I think we both know deep down what that is) may not be easy but our children must come first.
Probably the only thing I didn't agree with you on was your statement " I almost would rather lose the DH!" In my case, I know I could live without my H but I can't live without my D.
Respect is earned and your husband has had 15 years to earn it. I don't generally condone sons disrespecting their fathers but in your case, your son has very much earned the right to be angry. His father is a weak person who tries to bully those about him while a bottle controls himself. I applaud you for attempting to keep the peace in your home. Forgive the pun, but this isn't your beer. Your son's disrespect is a direct result of your husband's addiction. Your lack of enthusiasm about sexual relations is a direct result of your husband's sullen, abusive, selfish demeanor...also a consequence of his addiction. If he wants to get better from others he's going to have to "do" better. He expects love from his family? Was he thinking of his family when he drove DUI? You could very easily be a widow and your silent 15 year old an orphan. Why should anyone respect a man who loves a bottle more than this own wife and kids? Sadly, most alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they seriously get help. Apparently the DUI arrest wasn't low enough for him.
Respect is earned and your husband has had 15 years to earn it. I don't generally condone sons disrespecting their fathers but in your case, your son has very much earned the right to be angry. His father is a weak person who tries to bully those about him while a bottle controls himself. I applaud you for attempting to keep the peace in your home. Forgive the pun, but this isn't your beer. Your son's disrespect is a direct result of your husband's addiction. Your lack of enthusiasm about sexual relations is a direct result of your husband's sullen, abusive, selfish demeanor...also a consequence of his addiction. If he wants to get better from others he's going to have to "do" better. He expects love from his family? Was he thinking of his family when he drove DUI? You could very easily be a widow and your silent 15 year old an orphan. Why should anyone respect a man who loves a bottle more than this own wife and kids? Sadly, most alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they seriously get help. Apparently the DUI arrest wasn't low enough for him.
Needing strength, while I am sad for your situation, I am "glad" to be among friends. It is a very hard decision. I would love to get my son into counseling, just to get it out. I will be looking into somewhere this summer.
Fortunately, things have died down here. I had a long talk with my DS, we realized that what is going on here is that rather than me being th target, HE has become the target! See back a few years ago while I was in school and DHs business tanked, I took a job bartending. This brought in much needed money, but also all of the problems we are facing today. He came to my work, drank excessively, and we fought at home. He would follow me around the house yelling at me and saying nasty things because he was drunk. When i would refuse to talk to him he would say to me "you are destroying this family!"
Now, I don't work at a bar and have a rather sweet and innocent profession, he can't blame me or accuse me for anything. But now that it's my son who won't talk to him he has said those exact words to him after following him around the house!!!! It was an epiphany for my son and I the other night!! He's now the target!!
See DH won't accept any responsibility for his own actions, so he blames others!! I think that realizing what is going on has helped DS tremendously. It doesn't make having an @$$hole for a father easier, but at least he realizes it's not his fault or doing in any way.
This summer we will be staying with my parents quite a bit. This will give us all the much needed break from him. If I find a job while there, maybe we wont come back... Posted via Mobile Device
Even if your name were Jack Daniels, you wouldn't be to blame for an adult's decision to abuse alcohol. If my wife took a job as a veterinarian's assistant, that wouldn't make me give birth to a litter of puppies. Of course, drunks and druggies are great at figuring out how they are the victims of life and everyone else is to blame for the misery their addiction creates. When a 15 year old has a mean drunk for a father, he has three choices: 1. He emulates his father and becomes a drunk himself. 2. He assumes the father's abandoned role of family protector and beats his father senseless or worse. 3. He avoids his father, praying for the day he turns 18.
Seems that your son has chosen the best out of three bad options. The trouble with this scenario is your son will also be father to your grandkids. He can't shield his children from your drunk without keeping your grandkids away from you, too. In a way, your son is doing your husband a huge favor. He's giving him a tiny taste of the very real, permanent abandonment that your husband can expect, should he choose to continue his path. A wiser man would smell the coffee and get some help before finding himself reduced to being just a name decent people only mention in whispered tones.
WhyoWhy, my heart went out to you. Your story resonated with me so much! My 15 yo is a daughter but she is reacting the same way as your son. I have three sons but they left home as soon as they were able to. I don't want my daughter to leave sooner than she normally would because of her homelife but unless I do something that is what I believe will happen.
I would advise you to allow your son the opportunity to speak to someone outside of the family, a counsellor or trusted teacher perhaps? My daughter has started counselling and it was only after the counsellor spoke to me with real concerns about D's mental and emotional health that I was able to get D to open up to me and discovered just how deeply our situation (almost identical to yours) has affected her.
I understand how difficult it is for you. D's counsellor made me feel very guilty for not removing her from this situation but although I think it is for the best that we leave, the times when H is 'good' make me feel that I should try to make things right.
I don't really believe I can do that. But until I convince myself that there is no hope I can't seem to find the strength to cut the ties.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and there are some others out here who know what you're going through and that the Right Answer (and I think we both know deep down what that is) may not be easy but our children must come first.
Probably the only thing I didn't agree with you on was your statement " I almost would rather lose the DH!" In my case, I know I could live without my H but I can't live without my D.
The other night DS and I had a heart to heart. Bottom-line is this, he doesnt want to be anything like his father, he's afraid if he spends time around talking to him etc., that he will end up like him. My issue with that is that by him (DS) being rude and disrespectful, he actually IS being a bit like him. His dad is actually trying pretty hard lately. He has backed off of him, isnt pushing him to talk, and has been going to church. He's quit smoking and drinking. DS of course is just waiting for DH to have an outburst/ episode again. I feel that as long as DH is trying, he (DS) has to realize he's a human being and not perfect. No one is.
I feel so stuck in between the two of them.
DS has developed such a disrespectful/arrogant way about him. He has been rude to me too lately. During our heart to heart, he said that was somethig that he doesn't like about himself and is having a hard time controlling it. He blames that on his father. He says that he wants to be a better person than his dad has been. He wants to be a terrific father. I see how he is with his little bro and Sis and I know he will be an amazing dad someday.
I feel like he's battling so many things..his past with his father, his own character flaws, his hormones, etc. I'm sure here's a bunch more that I don't even realize.
I just don't know what to do or to say to either of them anymore. Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like you're hitting all the right buttons. DS acknowledges his behaviors are sometimes inappropriate. One of the main differences between adults and kids is that adults are held accountable for their actions. Kids often get away with doing as they feel but adults have to do what must be done regardless of how they feel. Your DS isn't a man yet so his awkwardness in making the transition is only natural. Another difference between kids and adults is that adults have little use for the notion of "fair". Kids imagine that everyone is supposed to get great parents, great jobs with great bosses; infallible teachers who read minds, etc. Adults live in the real world where some folks have drunks for fathers, cops sometimes make mistakes, the best employee doesn't always get promoted, college grads don't always find work, and "fair" is where you buy cotton candy and ride the merry-go-round.
3Likes
15 yos refuses to speak to his father.... 
